Our Angels

On Sunday I was visited by a very special couple; an attorney (who is helping me with Christopher's things), his wife and their two beautiful children. Their small group at their church came to together and got Ethan a few things for Christmas. I'll have to admit when they called to find out what would be a good time to drop everything off, I thought that there might be a gift or two. I was (and still am) in shock by what was brought.

Last night while I wrapped everything I was brought to tears looking at everything. I'm not sure if they knew that Ethan LOVES Veggie Tales, but someone got him a Veggie Tale CD and toy! There are crayons and coloring pads, clothes, toys, trucks - the list goes on. And they are all things that Ethan is just going to love and enjoy playing with!

Ethan and I are so blessed to have these people, these angels, in our lives. I don't think I could ever thank these people enough and I hope one day I could say to all of them face-to-face; "Thank you from the bottom of out hearts!"

Luv Toooo

I think I have shared with most people that I worry about Ethan's verbal skills. I feel like he should be way further ahead than he is. Well after last night, I would like to take all that back.

Last night was like any other night: dinner, bath, snack, all followed up by a little watching of Bob and Larry (Veggie Tales). We watched King George and the Ducky (which if you don't know, is Ethan's favorite veggie tale and he watches it once a day - at least!) and the story has just that a rubber ducky. While we watched I was pointing things out to him, "do you see the crown on King George's head?", "oh, look at all the duckies", "what color is bob?"..... And about half way through the show it was like a light bulb went off in Ethan's head. His eyes got really big and his mouth dropped, he looked at me, pointed to the TV and said, "DUC". Then every time the "Duc" was shown he pointed to it again and said over and over again, "Duc, Duc, DUC!"

Something clicked in his head last night. And it was so fun to see him understand that the little yellow thing on the TV was a "Duc". But I have to admit the one thing that did melt my heart last night. After the Duc exchanged it was time for bed and we went upstairs. As I was picking Ethan up to go in the crib I gave him a kiss and told him I love him; to which I got a response from him on that... "Luv tooooo."

I was in shock, my little man told me he loved me and it was heart warming and sad all at the same time. While it felt wonderful to hear, I was so sad that Christopher didn't. In my heart I know he heard it, because my faith tells me that he watches over me and Ethan - I just wish he could have been physically there to hear it too.

The New Routine

Some people have asked how I have handled caring for Ethan full time without any help. And after doing it for three weeks I have to say not much has changed from the old routine, but I would thought I would share with everyone how it has.

In the morning - then:
Normally I would wake up at 7am and get ready for work; out the door by 8am.

In the morning - now:
I get up at 6am and get ready from 6am-7am. At 7am I wake up Ethan, change him and give him some breakfast (some mornings there is time for a small coloring session). I do have to worry about my clothes, my pants seem to be a nice spot for Ethan to wipe his nose or draw on me with crayon. But I figure; "hey what ever, people know I have a child and if they can't get over the fact that there's a boogie on my pants then they are not ready to have children."

Then Ethan and I are out the door by 7:45am at the latest to be to the sitters by 8am, so I can be to work by 8:30am.

After work - then:
I leave right at 5:30pm to go pick up Ethan by 6pm. When then drive home and I ask him about his day, if he had fun with his friends and what was the coolest thing he learned today. When we get home it's dinner then bath and in bed by 8:30 so Christopher can tuck him into bed and maybe one bed time story.

After work - now:
I leave right at 5:30pm to go pick up Ethan by 6pm. When then drive home and I ask him about his day, if he had fun with his friends and what was the coolest thing he learned today. When we get home it's dinner then bath and in bed by 8pm.

As you can see the routine has not changed much.

The Toothpick

This past Saturday was my first personal therapy session. I think it went really well and so far I like the guy and his point of view on things, so for now he's a keeper. The first session we talked more about where I am and where I want to be in my grief. He was wary of some things in my life and even went as far to call them "toxic" and asked that I try and to put those things on the back burner for now - to be dealt with at a later date and time.

But the real thing that I want to share with those of you out there is what happened before I left for my session. Let me set the scene.

A cold front came through Friday night and left Saturday in the high 50's. So after getting Ethan's stuff ready for my Aunt and cousin who watch him for me while I went to my session (thank you guys!) I went in to the closet to get dressed. The first sweater I pulled out was too thin for the 50 degree weather and I quickly knew I needed something heavier. I grabbed a thick green sweater and threw it on, but for some reason the arms were really tight (which I still haven't figured that one out, because I have lost some weight and found it old that a sweater I wore last season didn't fit) - so that one was dismissed. I then saw the yellow sweater that Christopher had bought for me one winter. His comment when he brought it home was, "You wear too many dark colors; your an artist brighten up your pallet."

So I threw on this yellow sweater. As I was leaving the bathroom I noticed in the mirror out of the corner of my eye that there was something sticking in the sweater. As I reach around to see what it is, I knew it instantly when I touched it. It was one of Christopher's tooth picks. He was notorious for leaving them in his pants pockets and them going through the wash. So here in the center of my lower back was his tooth pick. It was like he was there to tell me that he was there for me; to help me through this.

Speed up to after the session...

After I was done I got in the car and sat there for a moment; I wished I didn't have to go through this. I thought, why us, why Ethan, why Christopher. Then I started the car. The song that Christopher used to listen to when he was on chemo started playing. (Thee Door Down, "It's Not My Time") I broke down in tears. It was Christopher telling me he was there. He's here to help me through this even though he can't be here physically to hug me, to tell me he's ok and that he loves me.

This was an emotional Saturday, but it was good to share with someone Christopher's journey through cancer. How strong he was for Ethan and I and how much I love him for being the man he was and always dreamed of being. I miss him.

One Month

One month ago today, Christopher passed away. I can't say it was sudden, I saw the signs and I prepared my self for that time when it came. And while it seems like last week we had his services, it all so seems like months that he's been gone. Such an odd feeling.

Last night I went to a support group for spouses and children whom have lost loved ones. While Ethan is not old enough yet for a group he did have fun in the nursery with other children coloring and watching videos. For me, group was hard and while I can't say what we talked about, just know that I'm the youngest person in my group. It was hard to tell seven strangers about the journey that started almost a year and half ago and how that journey for Christopher has ended.

But one woman at the end of group came up to me and asked if she could give me a hug. That simple gesture meant so much. All in all, I did feel at peace with what I shared and I felt as if as I was leaving, Christopher was there whispering in my ear, "that's my girl, I'm proud of you, good job."

The First Weekend Alone

This weekend was the first weekend with no help from friends or family. I will admit that Friday night was a little lonely. After Ethan went to bed I was sitting on the sofa and I heard our neighbors garage door open. My heart skipped a beat - it was right around the time that Christopher would be coming home from work. It was at that point that I deemed it bed time (and bottle of wine time).

Ethan was a little bit of a handful on Saturday, but he was a real trouper on Sunday when we went out to visit Christopher. I cried, but Ethan whipped my tears and tried to pull me away from the grave site. He's such a wise and strong little man. So I put him in the car, said what I needed to say to Christopher and we left to run errands. He was great with the errand running, that is until he thought the dog food we bought was a snack for him. (We then had the talk about dog food is for Dublin and Goldfish are for Ethan - yes we did have that talk and I think he understood because everytime he looked at the bag of dog food he said, "woff woff").

As I roll into week two, I'm getting ready to meet with the people from Journey of Hope (a support group) and trying to get everything worked out with a personal therapist. We will see how this week goes.

Week in Review

Today I finished up my first week back at work. It wasn't exciting by any means, no one talked to me really and I was left to my own to schedule group sessions for Ethan and I and write some more thank you notes to people who have sent cards and food. Today was my first real project and while it was fun to get back into the work grove, all I could think of was - "I lost my husband, my best friend and I'm working on a flow chart (insert eye brow raise here)".

I did go have lunch with Deanna today and it was nice to get out of the office and chat with someone that I haven't spoken to in awhile. While we ate we talked about Christopher, Ethan and the love that Christopher and I shared. I will admit that Christopher and I shared a love that was stronger than most and we both knew our love was special in our eyes. But it was heart warming to hear people also say that they saw it too.

When I got back to the office I had left my music on and when I put my head set on this is what was playing. It reminds me of Christopher and I. Turn it up, think of the one you love and rock out to that feeling - that was how Christopher and I felt about life, love and each other.

My New Normal?

Today, I went back to work. Even with a cold (or flu - what ever this is that has me hacking up grossness). Today I claimed my new normal, a morning of getting ready for work, getting Ethan ready for daycare, then getting us both to our respective places for the day.

The morning was easy, but then again it's just day one. So far at work no one has really said anything to me other than good morning. I think it's the odd feeling of no one really knowing what to say. It's odd, but I think it's more odd for them (my co-workers) than for me. I enjoy being alone to my thoughts at the moment. However, everything is different. The way the key board feels under my fingers, the way the office phone rings at my desk, even the way my purse slides under my desk. It's all weird and different, but I guess it's all part of my new normal. Whatever that may be.

Gran's Arrangments

Everything has been planed out for Gran. The viewing will be Monday, services Tuesday's and we fly to New Orleans for burial on Wednesday.

Crazy two weeks.

Another Loss

Last night, my dear grandmother, "Gran", past away. It was so very sudden and we are all still in a little bit of shock.

God had a plan and it was for her to be up here with me and the family during Christopher's illness. She turned 88 on October 2nd and had a full and beautiful life with so many memories that I will hold on to forever. She will be missed.

So Many Things, So Many Memories

Before Christopher pasted he wanted for the last year to give his Cousin our dinning room set and his Mom china. Over a year ago Christopher packed up the china and was making plans on how to get the dishes and furniture to them in El Paso. When his Aunt and Cousin came in for the services they were able to take everything back with them. I wish Christopher could have been there to see the twinkle in his cousin's eye when she saw the greatest gift he could ever give her, but since he couldn't I was just happy that she could have this wonderful gift before her wedding day in November.

It had always been Christopher's plan to make the dinning room Ethan's play room, so with the room empty we spent the day putting Ethan's drawing table and other toys in the room. The empty room reminded me of the memories of us coming to the house when we were building it.

I found a bag of ties that he had planned to take to the dry cleaners - they had his after shave smell. I miss that smell. I miss him.

One Week Ago...

This morning I woke up and asked God to help me get through today (one day at time). As I prayed I thought, one week ago today I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my love; Ethan lost a father, playmate, and best friend.

The days don't seem to get easier, but I try to stay busy to keep my mind off of things. Last week seemed to go by so easy, but then again there were things to plan, people to meet, it took my mind off of things.

Today's plan of attack: make it through the day.

I want to again thank everyone whom have helped me for the last month. Thank you Lauren and Mitzi for being there to help with things that I just could not handle. Thank You mom for being here this last month to help, Thank you Amber for showing me me that even though we are 1,000's of miles away - you love like you were across the street. Thank you Spring Creek BBQ for doing everything you did and to The Thomas Agency for everything they did for me. Thank you all for the dinners, cards, flowers, donations and kind words. Without any of you I don't know if I would have made it through this week.

Pax,
d

Services for Christopher

A Note from Denise: "Yesterday and today have been long days. And I want to take this time to thank everyone for there kind words of support and prayers. I still don't think I could ever thank every one enough."

Denise has been getting a lot of calls from loved ones wanting to attend the viewing/wake and funeral mass. Below is the information as of tonight:

The viewing/wake will be held Thursday evening at Allen Family Options (2120 W Spring Creek Pkwy, Plano, Tx 75023) from 6pm-8.

The funeral mass will be held Friday at 10:30am at St. Francis of Assisi (8000 Eldorado Parkway Frisco, TX 75034) You can find a map & directions to the church at their website. The burial will immediately proceed the mass at Ridgeview Cemetery which is directly behind the church. Afterwards, a small luncheon will be held at the church.

Again Denise is requesting that in lieu of flowers donations be made to the American Cancer Society in Christopher's name or to the Seibert Family Fund for Ethan's future.

Thank you to everyone who continues to pray for the Seibert's. They are being felt by Denise and Ethan.

Thanks again for everyones support.
Amber

With a Heavy Heart

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this morning to let everyone know that Christopher passed away this morning at 6:53am. He was at home with Denise beside him, as she has always been. Christopher put up an incredible fight for both his beautiful wife, Denise, and his beloved son, Ethan. We will all miss him dearly, and know that he will watch over all of us and keep us all safe.

Denise has requested that in lieu of flowers, she would prefer if everyone would either donate to the American Cancer Society on behalf of Christopher, or donate to the Seibert Family Fund to help Ethan for his future.

Once the day and time of the funeral has been decided, I will update the blog to let everyone know. Please make sure to show your love to this wonderful family, for they need all the support they can get right now.

Thank you to everyone, and especially her neighbors Lauren and Mitzi, who are with Denise as I type this blog from Alaska. They are able to give her the hugs she needs that we can't give her right now.

With the deepest gratitude to all who have helped the Seibert's in this time,
Amber Abney

The Yard Sale

On Saturday (October 11), from 8-11, our neighbors are having a community yard sale for us where all the proceeds will go to help pay for some of the medical bills. We are so blessed to have these people in our lives who care about us so deeply. I have been so over whelmed with every thing they have done for us. Christopher, Ethan and I could not have asked for better neighbors.

Guys we love you all so very much. Words can't express the thanks we have for you all.

Pax,
Denise

Spring Creek BBQ

Today Christopher had visitors from his work. The GM and the AGM (two other managers that he worked with and were close to) came by. They were touched that I called them and told them that if they would like to see Christopher they were welcome too.

While Christopher didn't wake up while they were here; I'm just glad they came by to tell him hello and that they missed him at work.

Christopher did wake up this morning and I was able to feed him a plate of fruit that he really enjoyed. At one point I place a piece of pineapple in his mouth and he said, "Oh, pineapple. Alright." Shortly after I finished feeding him, he went back to sleep.

I would also like to thank everyone for the cards ans sweet notes that have been arriving in the mail. It means so much to me that there are people out there caring and praying for us. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Pax,
Denise

The Bed

Yesterday the hospital bed arrived around 3:30ish. Mom and I had moved the living room furniture that morning to make room for it and I have to say it's odd to see a hospital bed in the middle of our living room.

Once it was set up we quickly moved Christopher into it. I think he's fighting how he's suppose to lay in it - but at least he's in it and I can help him in and out of it better. The bed came with a table that rolls up to the bed, so that's nice for him to eat his meals off of.

Other than the bed there still is no major changes. He's still sleeps most of the day and only wakes up for 15 minutes to say he needs the bathroom or something to eat. Mom has been a big help with Ethan, I could not imagine trying to care for Christopher and Ethan at the same time.

I want again to thank everyone who has helped us out. The out pouring of love to our family is over whelming and I can't begin to thank you all enough.

Sonic

Yesterday (Tuesday), Christopher slept for most of the day. However around 5ish Christopher woke up and wanted food! So I made him a plate of fruit and a grilled cheese sandwich, which he informed Mary-Ann (the woman who comes out once a week to give us mass at home) that I make the best grill cheese. :}

After his dinner and mass Christopher told me he wanted a sundae from Sonic, but he wanted everyone to go: Me, him, Ethan and my Mom. So Mom strapped Ethan in his car seat and I helped Christopher in the car and we were off to Sonic.

On the way home from getting our yummy sundaes and banana splits it was so nice out side that we thought it would be nice to sit outside and eat our cool tasty treats. So I pulled up in the front of the house and we got a chair for Christopher and some blankets to keep him warm (there was a little nip in the air) and he sat out side and watched Ethan draw on the sidewalk with his chalk.

That little outing did tire him out and he went back to bed after wards, but I think he enjoyed.

Monday Update

I know everyone flocks to the blog to see how Christopher is doing, so I would thought I would share what the nurse told us yesterday.

On Saturday Christopher slept for most of the day and almost all day Sunday. This didn't really shock me because Christopher's doctor explained to me that this would happen and this would be the "end stages of the liver failing". Christopher would sleep more and more until the point that we could just not walk him up.

Rosemary, our nurse, came out Monday and suggested we get a hospital bed to make it easier for him to get in and out of. Christopher now weighs roughly 224lbs, but that's mostly fluid built up in his body. The bed would make it easier on him and us to get him to and from the bathroom and other parts of the house. The bed (as far as I know) will come some time today.

Christopher tells me daily he loves me and when he sees Ethan he says, "Hey, Booger". In his mind, he can still fight this. He told me last night that "if he just felt normal - he would be ok"

Thank you all again for your prayers and support,
Denise

Thank You To A Friend

Today when I ventured out to our mailbox to get the mail, we had some cards from friends that brought a much needed smile to my face and there was one card with no return address.

When I opened it I found a wonderful card with a beautiful sentiment written on the inside. There was also a Target gift card and it was signed "From a Friend".

Well my "friend" since you left no return address for me to send you a note of thanks and how your gift warmed my heart. I hope you read this blog and know it meant allot to me and my family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Pax,
Denise

A Note From Denise

Two weeks ago I was called to pick Christopher up from work. It's crazy how everything can change with one phone call.

I have to say I'm married to one amazing man. We have had conversations that discuss life and death and it always ends up the same way - he puts his hand on my face and tells me I "don't have enough hope." In his mind even though his doctors have told him - there is nothing more they can do for him, he says he can beat it. He won't give up.

Christopher amazes me daily with outings that he wants to go on. (Yesterday we went to Costco.) And yes while after and outing he's tired and needs oxygen - I think in his mind it's a little battle won. Cancer has not kept him from what he wants to do.

We are so blessed to have the people we have in our lives. I think if I thanked everyone every day - I still would not thank you all enough.

Thank you all for everything you do and have done.
Pax,
-d

Christopher back from the Doctor

Well today Christopher's outing consisted of visiting with Dr. Kirby. Unfortunately, there is nothing they can do about the swelling in his abdomen, legs and feet. As Dr. Kirby explained it, the water is surrounding individual cells, so they couldn't drain the fluid. Dr. Kirby also informed Christopher that he does not qualify for the clinical trials due to his liver failure. Dr. Kirby said his blood pressure was on the high side, but with the exertion it took for Christopher to actually get into the doctor's office, that was to be expected. He checked his lungs, and there is no fluid in his lungs which is a very good thing.

Christopher's will is unbelievable and even has the doctor and his staff in awe. He will be seeing Dr. Kirby on a weekly basis so that Dr. Kirby can monitor him.

Right now Christopher is taking a much deserved nap, while Ethan, Denise, Marcus, Addison and I sit in the den watching the kids eat oreos and color!

Amber

Update

Well yesterday, Christopher, Denise, Mr. Dennis (Denise's dad), and my husband Marcus all took a field trip to Target. They got Christopher a motorized cart to drive around Target in..and they stopped at Subway to get lunch. Although he enjoyed getting out of the four walls, he admitted to Denise that he overdid it. Christopher rested the rest of the day, and this morning he changed Ethan and got him ready for daycare. He gets worn out, but if you asked Chris this is just a hump they need to get over.

The nurse from Hospice will be here this afternoon to check on Chris' vitals, and we have a call into his doctor to see about the process of draining the excess fluid from his body. We'll see if Chris agrees to this procedure, this won't be a one time thing because the nurse has informed us that even if they drained him, the swelling will be back in 2 days. It will be a decision Christopher and Denise have to make. The draining will help him to get around better with less pain to his legs and feet.

While we had a full house this weekend, things have gotten quieter. Denise's dad went back to Houston last night, and Denise's mom left this morning to go back to Houston. She will be back on Wednesday to bring Marcus, Addison and I to the airport.

We are very grateful for everyone's continued support, prayers and concern for the Seibert's. We are very grateful for the neighbor's who bring dinner over every night. The support is just awesome.

Until I write again,
Amber

An Update on Christopher

Over the last two days Christopher has become much more lucid- even ready to get out of the house and wanting to go to Target! Unfortunately with his labored breathing and swelling of his legs and feet, we all know that this would be an impossible task. It's still very hard to tell Christopher that he can't. Hospice is coming in daily to give Chris baths, which he is being very cooperative with Charles!

The outpouring of support and love has been coming in for Christopher, Denise and Ethan from all over and they couldn't be more grateful.

Thank you again for your continued prayers for this wonderful family.

Amber

The Struggle We Go Through

While Christopher is putting up a good fight, it is with sadness that I have to let everyone know that Hospice has been called. Christopher has been put on Oxygen for his labored breathing. The swelling of his lower abdomen, legs, and feet has increased.

He is still getting around the house on his own, (albeit its becoming more and more of a struggle), chiming in as only Chris can with his wit and sense of humor when he thinks its necessary. We all feel very lucky to get to see the "Real Christopher" during his lucid moments.

Family and friends from afar are arriving to spend quality time with Christopher, Denise, and Ethan.

We all remain very grateful, thankful, and overwhelmed for everyone's continued support and prayers during this time.

Amber

A Quick Seibert Family Update

Christopher, Denise and Ethan would like to thank everyone for their generosity, support and prayers over these last few days. They are truly touched by the outreach by people they don't even know who are willing to help them at this time in their lives. While Denise and Ethan are spending quality time with Christopher, I will be updating their blog to let everyone know how things are going. Your prayers and support are definitely being felt, and heard.

Again thank you all for your support to the Seibert Family.
With sincere gratitude,
Amber Abney

What Makes You Stronger

One of my favorite phrases is "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". It's powerful in the respect that who wants to go through something that could possibly kill us or hurt us enough to say, it could be worse.

However in life, God throws us a curve ball and it's up to us to see the blessing in it and help our faith get a little stronger. When going through college I thought the hardest thing in my life was trying to find a job and plan a wedding. Little did I know looking back seven years later - that was a cake walk.

Two months before our wedding, we lost my grandfather. It was so quick and sudden. He passed away on a Monday and Christopher and I had been there that weekend before. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see him. I'll admit, I was furious with God. Why two months before our wedding, why. Could this not wait till afterwards. I had always dreamed of having my grandfather at my wedding sharing in the joy of the day.

It wasn't till 4 years later when I understood. The phone rang at 6am one morning; it was my father. All I really remember of that phone call was, "Sweetheart, the 17th street levee broke - you know where that is?" I responded half asleep, "Yes.... Gran's house is gone isn't it." I don't remember much else of the conversation other than hanging up the phone and crying my self back to sleep. Work seemed trivial that day compared to what my family was going through. But as time went on I saw God's plan.

That October, Christopher and I became pregnant. It was so clear. By losing my grandfather when my grandmother did - it showed her she could live on her own and re-teach herself the things that my Grandfather used to do. She needed to learn this, so she could do it again when Katrina took her house away from her. Katrina also had her move to Houston, closer to us and closer to her great grandchild. Ethan was the first great grandchild she was able to be there for his birth. And I think that meant allot to her. God's plan was coming clear.

A year and half later, Christopher was told he had cancer and I often find my self trying to figure out God's plan for this one. But at this point, I'll leave it in his hands. I know that everything happens for a reason and I may never figure it out - but that is God's plan.

This past Saturday, Hurricane Ike came through Houston. And while he spared my parents and grandmother's home - he took the home of some of my aunts and uncles in Bridge City. We have heard that there are dead fish and snakes everywhere. Almost sounds like something out of a movie. However, we are a strong family that has always risen above the challenges that are put in front of us. And my aunts and uncles will bounce back from this in time. Yet again, God has a plan. And what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Who Said Not To Talk to Strangers

One day, I was out at Target getting diapers and I saw a woman with a scarf around her head and her face was a little sunken in. I knew right off the bat, this woman has cancer and is going through some type of treatment.

I watched other woman walk past her, teenagers snickering, looking at her as if she had the plague. I didn't know what stage her cancer was nor did I care. She had cancer and I wanted to make sure she got a smile out of me. With Ethan in tow in the front of our basket, I wheeled up to her and said "Hi, good afternoon."

She smiled and greeted us back. I think without saying a word, we both knew what the other was thinking and it warmed my heart from the inside out. Ethan gave her a "bump" which I had to explain to her, but she laughed, smiled and bumped him back.

While I can never imagine what someone with cancer goes through; I do know what it does to them physically, but if I can make one person smile - that's all that matters to me. Cancer doesn't have to be a scare thing for anyone as long as there is someone there who is willing to smile and let us know that we are not alone.

Genetic Testing

Yesterday, Christopher left his doctor's appointment with them scratching their heads. Christopher's numbers have gone up yet again, which makes no sense to them what so ever. In the three months that had pasted between CT Scans his numbers jumped 600 points and they prepared us for growth. However, that was no the news we got (more head scratching) - we got it's stable and not growing. Then yesterday more news of numbers going up, but no growth....

So they took some blood and sending it out to California for genetic testing. They are trying to see if Christopher has this certain mutated gene that happens in about 30% of people who have cancer. Which means that he has a 70% chance of not having this mutated thingy. The doctors are hoping this will shed some light on the reason his numbers are going up, but that there is no growth.

My personal thoughts are that this herbal stuff he is on is causing his numbers to go up. From everything that I have read, the CEA numbers measure cancer bi-product in the blood (doesn't mean if it's alive or dead bi-product, just what's floating around). So could it be that the herbal stuff is working an breaking up the cancer and while it leaves a wake in it's path his numbers go up.

So again Christopher has doctor's scratching parts of their bodies and wondering - "what the..." We will find out about the gene in about a week, so I will keep you all posted.

CT Scan and Chemo Update

Last night Christopher and I sat down and prayed a little longer and a little harder - this morning we would find out the results of Christopher's CT scan. It was about three months since his last CT scan and we were both a little nervous. The previous CT Scans had come back with "shrinkage and growth, but with an even amount of shrinkage to growth". In addition, over the past month we have watched his CEA numbers go up a little. Which normally would mean that the cancer is growing and finding a way around the chemo drugs.

However, Christopher has been a new herbal routine for the past two months-ish and everything I had read on this stuff was that his numbers would jump up when this stuff starts to kick in. So we prayed last night that this would be the reason for the jump in the numbers.

Today when Christopher went in for chemo the doctor sat down with him and said - "Well, it's stable. There is no growth what so ever, but there is no shrinkage either. And I have no reason for why your numbers went up." When Christopher called to tell me the news, I had to exclaim "Thank you Lord for you great goodness and mercy." This truly is a miracle in my eyes, but I know it's not over either. The cancer could figure out a way around the treatments; just the thought of word "stable" and "no growth" is a blessing in it's own right.

Christopher's doctor plans on taking his CEA numbers in two weeks to see were they are at. If the numbers remain the same Christopher will stay on the current chemo drugs he's on. If his numbers do happen to go up, he will switch Christopher to a new chemo drug.

Christopher and I are both elated with the new news of "stable" even if that news changes in month or so - the idea of no growth is wonderful!

Really?!....

I've rolled this around in my head and thought I would share a very strange and awkward moment I had a few weeks ago. But before we begin a little back ground info.

In the office building I work in there is a little deli run by a very outspoken little Asian woman. When I was pregnant she would tell me daily that I was so big I MUST be having a boy, and then the next day I would go down there - I was so big I MUST be having a girl. And later my office mates told me that one day they were down there and there was another prego woman getting some lunch and she looked at this woman asked her when she was due, what she was having and then told her that there was another woman who worked in the building and "she big, real big, she have twins and just don't know it." The boys knew - she was talking about me; she had the twin part wrong, oh and the girl part too. Nice lady, but there is a bit of a language barrier or cultural barrier - I just haven't figured out which.

So lets speed up to a few weeks ago, I ran down to the deli to get a coke. Most of the time I grab a can and put my money on the counter and tell them to have a good day because the deli is always packed with people waiting for a sandwich or something to be made. This day was different, there was no one in the deli. I get my coke, pull the exact change out of my pocket, look up and start to say, "have a great..."

"Oh hyi, you baby, he getting big right?" she yells across the counter to me. The first thought that runs into my head, is that I have a deadline that I'm trying to meet and she wants small talk - really could we do this another time.

So I reply, "yes, he's growing like a weed," then smile and head for the door. However, I only make it one step when she asks another question.

"So when you have another baby?"

One eye brow raises. Really, she didn't just ask me that. Seriously. I'm sure I looked like a deer in headlights right before they are run over by the mac truck on route 66. While I tried to roll around the right way to answer this question - which by the way - there is no right way, she throws another question at me.

"You want 'nother baby right?"

Good grief lady, now I was thinking of ways I could just run for the door. Would it be rude, to just walk out - she's going to see me again when I come down for another Coke in a day or two. So I quickly said, "oh yes, more children would be nice." My next thoughts were to smile and get the heck out of dodge. This line of questioning was just awkward and odd for anyone.

I got two steps forward when she asks, "oh, you husbund, he no want more kids?" It was at that point that I took a deep breath and threw the card I hold on to for special situations that need a quick out.

"My husband has cancer. I'm not sure if we will have more children." Then there was silence. I thought, I got her, I can go on my merry way and as I took another step...

"Tisk, tisk, tisk, oh that too bad. Too bad. Where is cancer in his body?"

Really lady, really, you have got to be kidding me! All I could think of was, she was going to hold me here with my Coke dipping water on me until I explain my life, Christopher's treatments, Ethan's views on the matter and how it might have all happened.

So I turned to her and thought of all the nice ways to put things, all the mean ways to put things and all the places I would like put things. But then I thought, she was just trying to be nice and sociable - in a very word vomit sorta way. I took a deep breath and explained in one large exhale.

"A little over a year ago, cancer was found in my husbands colon and liver, he's going through chemo, right now and we are dealing with it one day at a time, he feels great and is doing great considering that every two weeks he gets toxic drugs pumped into his body and asked to endure it with a smile, is there anything else you would like to know before I head back to work?" I grined after I said it - it's not what I wanted to say, but it's what came out of my mouth.

She looked at me for only a split second before, "oh ok, good, at least he doing good and want more babies." It was at that point that I was guessing that was the end of our conversation and I exited the deli.

Now you might ask - have I gone back to the deli since then. Oh yes, several times and she asks each time, "you husbund ok, still get drugs pumped into him?" I know she cares, but really!

Moral of the story: Don't ask total strangers personal questions.

Conversations with Ethan

I have to say one of the best times I have is when Ethan and I get to converse, which for the most part is a one sided conversation. However, there are days like yesterday that make me smile when Ethan shows off his conversing skills. :}

Let me set the stage. We pull into the driveway, I turn off the car, look in the back seat and ask Ethan, "Ready to get out?" I was greeted with a smile and, "Si!" (Don't ask where the Spanish comes into play? Christopher and I both have no clue.)

We go into the house where Ethan stops right in front of the dryer, opens it up and pulls out his swim trunks. Now you might ask how he knew his trunks were in the drier - I don't have an answer but I can tell you one eye brow lifted when I saw this. I looked at him and said, "those are your shorts, what are you going to do with them?"

And grin came over his face, which if you must know is the exact same look Christopher gets when he's up to no good. Ethan then ran into the living room, took his shoes off and tried to pull his shorts off. However, he has not mastered taking his bottoms off (the diaper keeps them on!) So while I stood there looking at my son rolling on the floor trying to take his shorts off and listening to him yell "Auff, auff, auff, mama, auff."

As I knelt down, I was presented with two feet (code for, take my pants off, "peasss."). After replacing Ethan's shorts with his swim trunks, he grabbed his motorcycle and headed for the front door. All the while I'm still standing in one place, I look at him and say, "hey, Ethan, where do you think....."

Before I had a chance to finish my sentence, I heard "ou, peas". So I thought, let's see where he wants to go. As I walked to the front door, Ethan pointed vigorously at the front door, "um, go, um go! ou, peas." (I opened the door) "Pha phu" (that's Ethan's way of saying thank you).

And off he went, the little Muppet wanted to go the water park! He went right down the walkway turned the corner and headed for the park near our house. "Yeah!" and clapping is what I heard when he saw the water going on and off at the park.

Amazing how he knew that he had to put his swim trunks on to go the water park and that he knew right where the water park was! Our little man is growing up. And with that grin, big dark eyes and devilish smile - Christopher and I are headed for a world of trouble!

You can be anything you dream

Christopher and I make a point of telling Ethan daily that he can be anything his heart desires. When he stacks blocks, we say "Great job Ethan! One day would you like to build things?" If he's dancing around, "Ethan your such a great dancer, are you a rockstar?"

Either way his answer is always, "Yeah" and then he goes one with something else. This weekend Ethan and I were drawing at his table and I turned some music on for us - which just going over to the bright shiny computer made him want to sit in the chair and "play Mommy's work" (that's what Christopher calls it. This little video was the end of his dance efforts - but I thought I would share with everyone the spirit of Ethan. I hope everyone stands up in their chair, turns the music up a little and dances like a rockstar!

Chemo Update

Christopher had another round of chemo today and the Doc has scheduled him next week for a CT scan. So everyone please pray that the tumors shrink some more.

The doctor did say that he is thinking of changing Christopher's chemo up a little to a new drug that he take every week, but the good news is he won't have a pump hanging off of him for two days. Yeah no tubes for Ethan to pull on.

Other than that there is no real new news. Please keep us in your prayers, please pray that the tumors shrink and go into remission.

A walk in my shoes...

So, have you ever wanted to know what it's like to work in advertising? Or be a designer. Check out this video someone sent to me. It's my day, everyday and even weekends.

And the sick part is - I love it and I get up every morning loving my job!

http://www.uglydoggy.com/2008/07/its-friday-just-stop.html

ROCK ON!

This weekend was Ethan's big birthday weekend - party on Saturday and actual birthday on Sunday! And it was so awesome to wake up Saturday morning and see the sneak peeks of our photos that Deanna took!

All I can say is "THEY ROCK!" and I so have to get the one of Ethan sitting on the rock!

Deanna they are awesome and I can't wait to see the rest!

Click here to see the photos!

Almost there

In about 8-10 weeks I will be severing a tie...to my hair that is. When we were told Christopher had cancer, I sat down long and hard about how I could help others with cancer. I wanted to do something that most people couldn't do.

I'm not one of those people who has had the same hair cut for as long as they can remember - I think in the 7 years Christopher and I have been married, I have gone from long to short about 4 times. I'm lucky in the sense that my hair grows really quickly and allows me to grow my hair out from shoulder length to belt buckle length in about a year (and that includes trims every 8 weeks). SO I made up my mind and stared growing my hair for Locks of Love. I told my self that every 2 years I would make a donation. It takes 10" of hair for them to make a wig out of and I'm there right now, but I wanted to make sure I had enough for my new hair cut that I will be sporting here in a few months!

And after I enjoy that hair cut for a few months; I'll be back at it for my next donation in 2010! I'm so excited that I can do this for those children out there who lose their hair to treatments.

A Passie, Blanket, Pretzels or iPhone...

In my line of work I direct art; wither it be on paper or film. I drive my team crazy with odd requests like, "the crop on that looks odd, please tweak it. The color on that is too warm, dull it down." So when it comes to out side artists I know what it's like to hear - "I want this and I want that", so I don't try to be that way.

Well it seems as though Ethan might be walking in his mummy's foot steps when it comes to art directing. This morning he wanted to wear the shirt he picked out (not the one I spent time on ironing), then when go to take the photos, he wanted to do it his way. It was all about the passie, blanket, pretzels or iPhone. And even a few times he left "the set" to scout out new venues.

He was, as you say, cranky today! But what can you say when you're dealing with a rock+star! (inside joke from this morning). So in the end, one or all of his photos will end up with either a: passie, blanket, cup of pretzels or my iPhone in the shot. But what can say - when I look at those photos I will always remember my little star on that day!

My Heart Goes Out...

Before we were told that Christopher had cancer and I would hear that someone had just been told that they had cancer; my first thoughts were always "oh, dear, I hope everything works out and I was blessed this was not something we had to go through".

Now when I hear that someone has been told they have cancer, my first thoughts are to cry for that family and person. I know the pain, the anger and the fear they go through. I also know the long road ahead of them. The worst, however, is to hear the loss of a loved one to cancer. It breaks my heart and makes me look at my family and life in a whole new light.

On Sunday, when we were all celebrating Father's Day, one dear family lost their Dad to cancer. I can't say I have met this family, I wish I could one day and tell them what an inspiration they are to me. Cindy (the wife) and I have emailed back and forth a few times and I have been trying to keep up Bill's treatments when I could. When I read the news I was shocked and so upset, I went home and hugged Christopher and told him I loved him more than he will ever know.

This family is now trying to adjust to life without Dad and I'm asking for all those who read living strong; please read about the Freeman's and if you can - please help this dear family.

Mental Warfare

Tomorrow Christopher will go in for his chemo and discuss with his doctor everything we did this past week in Tulsa. One of the major things they stressed while we were there was declaring "mental warfare" on cancer. Since Christopher reads the blog during his treatments I want to rally my troops!

I'm asking everyone to leave Christopher a message to read during his treatments that will help him visualize the mental warfare on his cancer. It can be positive and up lifting or it can as brutal as "Kick it's a$$ Christopher!"

So for all of those of you who read this blog - pass it along to your friends and lets get an ARMY of posts! Together we all LIVE STRONG!

For my love, every time I hear this song I think of you:

3 Doors Down - It's not my time

Everything I know,
There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
There might be more than you can see
And I won't go
No I won't go down (yeahh)

CTCA - Day 5: Heading Home

Again another early morning and another night on the sleep number bed (again I can't explain how much I dislike that bed). Any who. We saw the Mind & Body doctor this morning and it was very interesting and the guy was really nice. In a nut shell, he said that he has seen where cancer has broken up families in the past; but as long as we keep the lines of communication open between the two of us like we do now - then "we can climb mountains". He also gave us a book he would like us to read about a guy who at the age of 13 was told he would only have 3 months to live and then at the age of 15 that he had just a few weeks to live and through the power of the mind he has defied all odds and climbed 7 of the highest mountains in the world. So in a nut shell - "Talk to your cancer and tell it that it has no right to be there. Declaire mental warfare."

At 10:30am we met with the oncology doctor who told us basicly the same thing the radiation doctor told us the day before. Radation is off the table at the moment; but it doesn't mean it can't be done. We need to shrink his cancer about 50% the size it is now so we can do radation. She also explained how she saw the chemo working and made some suggestions of what she would change. (We also found out that as of Tuesday that Christopher's CEA markers went down 170pts. - remember down equals good)

With this wealth of information that we have Christopher is going to discuss with his doctor in Dallas if there needs to be a change in his treatments. We left there feeling really good; we found out allot of great information, met allot of new people with interesting ideas on cancer and also knowing that Christopher's doctors here in Dallas are for the most part doing what they can do.

We were so blessed to be able to catch an earlier flight into Dallas. When we checked in there were three other people ahead of us; but God answered our prayers and we were the last set of stand-by put on the plane. Christopher and I were so excited to see Ethan - we missed him so.

After we got home and relaxed for a few we went and had dinner with Mum and Gran (it was nice to eat with the family). I have to say I'm really looking forward to sleeping in MY bed and away from that Sleep Number thing!

CTCA - Day 4

This morning was really early for us, a little too early if you ask me. We got up around 4:45am and at 6am we had a driver take us to the center. However, with this test I was not allowed to stay with Christopher. With a PET scan they inject radioactive juice into your body and then take an x-ray of your body to see where the cancer is and has been. From everything that I understand and have read this is really the only test where you can see where cancer has been and if it has shrunk into nothingness.

The CT scans that Christopher does every two months they have to compair the last months scan to the more recent scan and measure the masses to see if there is shrinkage. SO, the PET scan does a little more for the doctors visualy (from what I understand).

Christopher handled this scan really well even though it was again a tight space for a long period of time (way to go Christopher)! To boot he gets to wear a neon green band around his wrist that says he's radioactive - and no he's not glowing green...yet.

At 11am we has a physical therapy session. I was really unsure how this would work, but it was really neat. The PT pulled out some ball-point pen looking tools that had little plastic tips on the end of them. Then the doctor tapped the bottoms and tops of Christopher's feet to see if he could feel it and to what degree. He suggested that we try a PT treatment 3 times a week. This treatment would consits of putting a battery type of device that sends electric shock to the bottoms of the feet, so the numbness from chemo doesn't cause perment damage. The good news is we can buy this machince and do the treatments at home. My first thought was to pour a little water on the bathroom floor and ask Christopher to put his finger in the light socket - but thought that he might ruin the tile that way, so we will look into this little machine.

At 3pm we had a meeting with the radiology doctor. She gave us some news we didn't know and some other news that was upseting. The cancer is pretty much contained in the right lobe of the liver, with a few spots in the left lobe. However, with most of the cancer in the right lobe the amount of radiation needed to do any good would do more damage to the liver than help it. This is the same for the glass bead treatments. While we were there she showed us Christopher's CT and PET scan, it's so interesting to see this "cancer" in his body. What is even more interesting is you can see where it has shrunk as well. Shrinkage is shown as a light grey area, cancer looks dark grey and normal tissue is medium grey.

So the upseting news? Well they did a MRI of Christopher's brain and told us it was "remarkable". There is no cancer in his head and it is healthy as a horse! I told the doctor there must be something wrong with the MRI, because the part of the brain that "listens to the wife" is broken or something. :} She laughed and said - no everything seemed to working the way it should.

Tomorrow we will meet with Doctor to go over the findings and suggest what her treatment would be, which at this point (we think) will be another type of chemo drug. On Tuesday Christopher will talk to his doctor at home and shee what his thoughts are on her treatment suggestions. Either way, we are the ones in control of his treatments and even if we don't go to CTCA for treatments, this has been a very interesting expirence and I'm very glad we did it.

We can't wait to head home and see our little man, we miss him so.

CTCA - Day 3

Today was an early day for us. Christopher's MRI was set for 7:30am and he did really well considering he doesn't like tight confind spaces. (Way to go Christopher, I'm so proud of you!)

From there we have seen all sorts of doctors. The first was a nutritionist who said we were doing all the right things and eating all the right foods. She said Christopher was at good weight and wants us to try and keep him around the 170-180lb marker (for his height and build he really shouldn't go over 180lbs). So that was nice to hear. And I found out that the person who wrote the book I based our diets off of was actually a Doctor who worked for CTCA several years ago; which again was nice to hear.

Next we had an appointment with a "pain manager" who is trying to get Christopher's feet under control. The guy reminded me of Patch Adams. Lets put it this way; the doc walks in and says, "what brings you in today?" Christopher explains the issues with the numbness and tingling in his feet. The doctor looks at him and says, "And why do you think that is?" I looked at the doc with one eye brow raised and said, "from chemo."

"What Chemo, why are you taking chemo?", says the doc. By this time I was about to jump up and smack the doctor up side the head; until I figured it out. He was trying to prove the point that cancer should not be the main focus of your life. Christopher LOVED him, I thought he was a little batty for my taste - but he doesn't treatment me, he treats Christopher. He's changing some of Christopher's meds around to see if that helps with the numbness.

We left there and had a really nice lunch in the cafeteria and then a quite stroll around the grounds. At 2pm we met with a Naturpahic doctor - this was someone I was very intreged to meet. He was really impressed with all the research that I had done and said that he would really only suggest one other herb treatment that we might try. He suggested adding Curcumin to Christopher's supluments. He told us that they are actually trying to harness this into a chemo drug. In lab conditions, Curcumin has been known to kill cancer cells on contact (again these are lab results and cancer in your body works a little differently, but this is still a good sign on the fighting front of cancer research).

We are done for the day and tomorrow will be another long day that starts at 6:30am; PET scan, mind and body consult and a PT treatment to help with Christopher's numbness in his feet. Look for tomorrow's update and please keep us in your prayers as we start to wrap up our trip.

CTCA - Day 2

Today we met with the Doctor and I have to say I really like her. She's very upfront and tells you what she thinks. She told us that she reviewed Christopher's old scans and that the good news was everything seems to be contained to liver (which we knew) and there is no cancer to be found in the lyphnods (which is really good news), however she doesn't really see shrinkage per say in the last few months; more stablization than anything.

She has scheduled three test (blood work, MRI and PET scan) and from whatever information they get from that there can be up to three options for us. They are as follows:

Radiation Teatment
This is not your typical radiation, they put a tube through the groan and inject small beads of radation to the liver. This is only an option if none of the cancer is pressing itself against a blood vessil in the liver. This treatment would be done every 4 weeks - however chemo would need to be stopped 4 week prior to treatment and 4 weeks after treatments.

Glass Treatment
This is a fairly new treatment and has only been done in a few cases. They inject small glass beads into the liver in the hopes that it will move into the cancer cells and clog their blood flow - in turn killing it.

Chemo
Depending on the scan she might suggest a change in the chemo drugs.

Either way, she wants to see even more shrinkage and no stablization in the cancer. She was a little dumbfounded in Christopher's paper work. She said, "I don't understand, your liver functions were getting worse - then a month ago they got better and better over the last month." So we shared with her the herbal treatments that we have been doing. She had never heard of the herb we were using, but it seems to be doing something.

Tomorrow will be a fun filled day. We did the blood test today, the MRI is tomorrow and the PET scan is Thursday. Tomorrow we will also meet with some other people - one is a person who is going to try and help Christopher with the numbness in his feet.

We are done for the day and plan on relaxing since tomorrow will be a long day. Look for an update tomorrow!

Cancer Treatment Centers of America - Day 1

As some of you might know, Christopher and I have traveled up to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Tulsa to see what other treatments might be out there. (Thank you Mom for taking care of Ethan for us!)

I thought you all might like to hear what fun and exciting things we are doing.

Day One:

This was a travel day and honestly I hope this is not a preview of what we have in store for us. We boarded the plane and then sat there for an hour and a half while they fixed the mechanical issue the plane was having. Once we took off the couple next to us had a 6-month-old who thought he would vocalize to the plane how he didn't like the flight. An hour and some Motrin later we landed.

The treatment center has put us up in a nice hotel that has a Sleep Number bed - however, we will not be buying one of those in the near future. I think with missing Ethan, a strange city and not being our bed, we didn't really sleep very well.

The best way to discribe Cancer Treatments Centers of America (CTCA) is like a Disney World for Cancer patients. When you arrive in the morning there is a woman there to greet you and give you a big hug - which for those of us that personal space issues it's a little unnerving.

If you want to go any where they have several towncars that will take you to the local mall, Target or Walmart. (We are quickly learning those schedules).

There is a cafiteria here that has 90% organic foods, which makes me wonder if there is a link to processed food and cancer? Or at least to the free radicals that they claim to start cancer.

Other than that there is not much to report. I'll try to post what we are did today, since today is day we get to meet with the doctors.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

What's Your Theme Song?

This might sound nuts, but really think that everyone has a theme song. You listen to a song that reminds you of your college days, the day you got married or your first kiss - those are your theme songs for the things in life you want to remember.

Recently, one song has come up several times on my iPod and today I declared this my family's theme song for the year 2008.

What would be your theme song?

Enjoy the lyrics or click play at the bottom to listen to it - enjoy everyone!

No One by Alicia Keys
I just want you close,
where you can stay forever,
you can be sure that it will only get better.

You and me together,
through the days and nights
I don't worry cause every things gonna be alright.
People keep talking
they can say what they like
but all i know is everything going to be alright.

No one,no one,no one,c
an get in the way i'm feeling and,
no one,no one can get in the way of what i feel for you,
you,you get in the way i'm gonna feel for you

When the rain is pouring down and my heart is hurtin'
you will always be around this i know for certain

I know some people search the world
to find something like what we have
i know people will try try to define something
so real so til the end of time i'm telling there's no one
no one no one no one can get in the way i'm gonna feel
and no one no one no one can get in the way i'm gonna feel for you.

Chemo: Round (who knows)

Today was another chemo day and I have to say these days are so routine for us, I don't really remember life with out them. We finally got the results from the CT scan and there wasn't really any major news. The cancer seems to be staying put so to speak - no real shrinkage and no real growth. So Dr. Kirby will keep Christopher on the same chemo routine (there was talk at his last treatment of a possible change in drugs).

In two weeks they will take Christopher's CEA numbers again (I'm very interested in seeing what those are). And we did have two rather good news fronts. The first being that Christopher gained 5lbs since his last doctor's visit (now weighing in at 180lbs)! Now if I could just figure out a way to take a little bit of my weight and transfer it over to him - I would be set! :}

The other good news is Christopher's red blood cell count was up! Over the last month his red blood cell count was down and they were giving him shots to help boost it. Today his blood cell counts were up and no shot was needed!

And while I wrote this, I was listen to a song that had a section in it that I thought was fitting...

Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Lets rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a hollywood horror

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when...

3 lbs.

When Christopher went into the hospital he weighed (sorry love I have to share) 242lbs and over the past year I have watched him slowly lose weight; to the point of giving him the nick name of "My incredible shrinking husband". At his last chemo visit the Dr. told him that he weighed 175lbs (with close on) and he needed to gain some weight (easier said than done when your on chemo).

Well I am happy to say that Christopher has put on 3lbs! He weighed him self last night (in his boxers) and he weighed in at 178lbs! (And trust me when I say, he has never been at 178 in the past month, so this was really exciting for us both!)

I would do it all over again...

Eight years ago a wonderful man asked me to marry him and seven years ago today we said "I do" in front of all our friends and family. That day could not have been any more perfect; it was everything we dreamed of and then some.

And as Christopher likes to tell me all the time - he would do it all over again and again.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE!
I love you.

Listen up cancer

This weekend, I had a random and odd thought. Yes, I do have those from time to time - random thoughts.

They say that a baby's can hear you in while they are in the womb; what about cancer cells? Can they hear you? So that got me thinking, if I were to be able to "talk" to Christopher's Cancer what would I say. (Besides "Get out!")

What would I say to his cancer if it were to come "knock" on my door. That got me thinking about a song (and this is where the random part comes in). And if I had to tell Christopher's cancer anything - it would be this:

Control
by Poe

Don't you mess with a little girl's dream
'Cause she's liable to grow up mean
Surprised you to find that I'm laughing?
You thought that you'd find me in tears
You thought I'd be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear
Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand
While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me
I was taking control
Now I have taken control

This is beginning to feel good
Watching you squirm in your shoes
A small bead of sweat on your brow
And a growl in your belly YOU'RE scared to let through
You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole
While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me
I was taking control
Now I have taken control

So this is how it feels
To breath in the summer air
To feel the sand between my toes
And love inside my ear
All those things that you taught me to fear
I've got them in my garden now
And YOU'RE not welcome here
COME HERE
Come a little bit closer
Let me look at you
I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool
While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me
I was taking control
Now I have taken control
I WAS TAKING CONTROL
Now I have taken control
...CONTROL
Don't you mess with me

Odd and random, I know - but I will not let this cancer control me or the life of my family.

One Year Ago

About this time a year ago, it all started with a twinge in Christopher's side. Which lead to one doctor telling him he thought he had gall stones to "Oh good news, no stones - just cancer."

It's hard to think that one year ago about this time, we went from thinking - "when should we have baby number two" to "when is your next CT Scan"? I could say that our lives will never the same, but then again if I could go back in time, I don't think I would change anything (except maybe catching this a little earlier than we did). But life, while we have had our ups and downs, has been good to us. Dealing with Cancer has brought our family closer together.

In the worst of time I thank God for what he has given us - I thank God for the bringing our family closer together, through cancer.

On another note, Christopher had another round of Chemo on Tuesday and the Dr said that his red blood count went down a little, but nothing so low they have to change anything. The next CT scan will be on May 13th - so every one pray for us. At the last scan in Feb. we were told the cancer shrank about 35% overall - I'm hoping for that number to go up to 40%. I'll post the results as soon as we have them, but sometimes they make us wait a week for them.

"Thanks", it's not just for a door

Before chemo, before cancer and even before Ethan; there were our walks. Christopher and I would walk around our neighborhood talking about anything and everything. We would point out houses that had an interesting landscape and we would try to figure out how that would work on our house. We talked about the future and what it held for us.

Speed up a few years ahead and well our walks had become far and few between. Chemo has made Christopher's body react oddly to the temperature outside. Some day's he felt like it was 110 outside, when in reality it was only 75.

The other day on the way home from worked I called Christopher and asked him if he was up for a walk and to my surprise he said he was! So when I got home, we changed our clothes, strapped Ethan into the big red wagon and went for our walk. It was so wonderful to talk and enjoy each others company. It was life before the tail spin and it felt good.

As we approached home and maneuvered the red wagon up our walk way to the house, Christopher reached in his pocket to hand me the house keys. It was at that moment that I looked at him in a different light. Here is a man that at the age of 33 has gone through more in his life than most people at the age of 55. Looking at Christopher in that moment reminded me of a verse in a song:

He's a stranger to some
And a vision to none
He can never get enough,
Get enough of the world

For a fortune he'd quit
But it's hard to admit
How it ends and begins
On his face is a map of the world

It was then that I took the keys out his hand and reached over to give him a hug and said, "Thank you for the walk." A schmucky grim came over to his face and he said, "It was my pleasure, but you don't have to thank me."

But the smile on his face was enough for me. I knew when I saw that smile that he was glowing from the inside out and that meant more to me that he will ever know.

Everyone handles their relationships differently, but when was last time we all thanked those special people in our lives for something other than holding the door open or for buying us a gift? Try it next time, that smile on their face might just warm your heart as it does theirs.

Angels and 166

I know everyone is waiting on pins and needles for the results of Christopher's CEA markers - and I am happy to say that they have dropped to 1094 (a 166 point drop)! About two months ago we found out that Christopher's numbers had risen due to a small growth in one of the smaller tumors. This lead doctors to change some of the drugs that Christopher is on and as we can all see the numbers have dropped which is a good indication of more shrinkage. However, we have to wait another week or so for the CT scan to give us visual confirmation.

Now that we have that out of the way, I wanted to blog about something else. For those of you who say Angels don't exist - I would like to stand from the highest mountain top and tell you, "You're Wrong."

Recently, I made the decision to get a lawn service to cut our grass for the summer months. It was a hard choice for me to make. Christopher loves cutting the grass (and I really mean it when I say he loves it), but at his last treatment about two weeks ago, I watched him sit in chair and have no energy to do anything. As I have blogged before, day 1 of treatments is the hardest day on Christopher. He feels stoned and out of his mind (a side effect of the new drug). By the time day two rolls around he tries to cut the yard while Ethan sleeps - which have been very short naps due some back teeth trying to come in.

SO, I looked around - emailed a few people and found a company that gave me a good deal on lawn service. While I was waiting for what day he would start us on; low and behold I got the following email from him.

Denise,
This Saturday we will be coming out to your house to clean it up and
start your lawn maintenance! A little angle sits on your shoulders and
has made arrangements in your behalf for the services.

Thank You,
David

I personally don't remember telling anyone that we were even getting lawn service this year. I was trying to keep it under wraps and the few people I did tell, I don't think I told them who we were going with.

So for our Angel or Angels out there - Thank You from the bottom of our hearts. Words cannot express the gratitude we have for you.

We have been so blessed to have these and other angels in our lives.

Thank you to our Angels who gave us a car when ours died.

Thank you to our Angels who pray for us and our situation.

Thank you to our Angels who bless our lives daily.

From our family to yours - Pax.

Chemo: Round (who knows)

Today is another round of chemo (and to be honest, I've lost count) for Christopher and we had our list of questions for the doctor.

Q1. What's up with the spots? (recently Christopher started to get black spots on the bottoms of his feet - almost like he had mold growing on his feet - yes I know, bad way to describe it, but you get the idea)
A1. A-normal side effect of chemo, but still a side effect. Nothing to worry about. Chalk it up to the other weird side effects he gets that no one else does.


Q2. When is my next CEA marker test?
A1. Next Treatment. (everyone pray for a drop in the numbers!)


Q3. Cryo-Treatemts? Only for kidney cancer?
A3. As of right now the Cryo-treaments are for people with kidney cancer who can't be operated on for some reason or another. It's only been done on a handful of people and still being looked into on the long term effects. Maybe in 5-10 years it will be used as a treatment for other types of cancer, but as for now it's experimental and only for kidney cancer.

So far everything is looking good with his red and white blood cell counts and we are all on pins and needles to see how his CEA markers and CT scan come out next month! We'll keep you posted.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! Christopher, Ethan and I thought we would share some photos of our Easter Egg hunt this morning. For being Ethan's first Egg Hunt - he knew what to do with the eggs!

One Month of Postings

It came to my attention that it has been awhile since I last posted. However, it has been one crazy month! Where to begin!

First, Christopher has had two more rounds of chemo and is handling this new chemo treatment so well I have to remind my self that he is even on chemo. In April (early April I think) he will have another CT scan to see how this new treatment is going - so keep the prayers and good thoughts coming! If had to guess I think Christopher is going to be on chemo for another year or so. (This Monday will be another round of chemo.)

As for me, well, lets just say I have had better months. My wonderful, lovable, thought I would break 150,000 miles with it, Passat has gone to the great big V-dub in the sky. After trying to make it work for another 6 months, it hemmed and hawed and said, "Forget lady; I quit." It was upsetting to see it go - Christopher and I bought that car about a month after we were first married, it was sorta like our gift to each other. Guess it got the seven year itch and thought it would be better to leave us. :}

Work has also kicked into over drive. With 6 artist on staff one would think that we would all have enough to do and give us some free time to do the things in the office we have been meaning to do - yea right! Have 5 artist and have enough work for 6 - have 6 and have enough work for 8! I guess that's what they call job security!

Ethan is doing well and growing like a weed! I think he might have gotten a hold of some miracle grow or something! He's over half of Christopher's height (34 1/2") and weighs in at around 28lbs! I personally can't wait till his 2nd birthday! I've got the theme all planed out and it's going to ROCK!

Our family did have some great news this month. My cousin Kurt and his wife were able to take their son home after several long weeks of Kyle being in the NICU. Kurt and Nat - Christopher, Ethan and I are so happy for you all and we know what a blessing this little one brings to yours and everyone in our family's lives. Enjoy every moment!

Chemo: Round XVIII

Monday was another round of chemo for Christopher and this was the second time he is on his new drug. I now have more information on everything and thought I would let everyone know the whole scoop.

About a month ago we got the results from the CT scan which showed more shrinkage in the three large tumors on Christopher's liver, but also showed one tumor that was very small had grown 1/10 of a mm. In the doctor's words there was more shrinkage than growth so he wasn't worried about it; however, since there was growth he wanted to ADD a new drug to the treatments. So Christopher still gets his same drugs - he just now gets one extra for that added extra kick! (and as a side note there is no new growth in any other parts of his body - everything is still contained in his liver)

Overall the cancer has shrunk about 35% and we are so blessed and happy for that! We are both trying to get used to this new drug that he is on. On day one, Christopher feels high (or half-baked as I like to phrase it). So after chemo he comes home and sits and rests for a little bit, then when I get home I like to ask him if he has the munchies! :}

On day two. Well, lets see. The best way to describe it is.... "The Energizer Bunny on Crack"! And yes the visual you have is the way it is. He has so much energy it makes me tired just looking at him!

Day three and four - the crash, burn, back on your feet days. These are the days that drains Christopher the most, but look at it this way. By day three Christopher is ready to get disconnected from his IV (and carrying around that pack is not the easiest thing in the world), so you would be a little drained too. And by day four he gets to spend the day with Ethan and that makes everything better. Those two guys do everything together - shop, come have lunch with mummy and watch the Disney Channel over breakfast!

Christopher adapts very well to new things and this new drug is no surprise. Here it is the second time he's on it and he's figured out when he needs to do what he needs to do so his treatments go smoothly!

Keep us in your prayers and thoughts, we are both super excited about the next CT scan which will be in April to see how well this new drug is working.

The Next Messy Steps

Today our little man will take the first step to being diaper free. We went out today and bought two training potties (one for our master bath and the other for our half bath). Over the next few months we will show him the potty and let him get used to this new little "thing" that is just his size. Then we hope that around his second birthday we can begin the new and exciting adventures of potty training!

Everything I have read says boys take longer than girls and some books even suggest waiting till your little man is three years old. However, Ethan has showed us that he is aware of things that happen "down there" so we thought "what the heck". Let's try it!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Today was Christopher's 17th round of chemo and we had been waiting to hear back on his scans for about a week and this is the scoop.

The Good
The three large tumors have shrunk some more and the over all shrinkage is a little over 35%! Yea shrinkage!

The Bad
While we had shrinkage, one of the small tumors started to grow. Boo Growth!

The Ugly
The doc says he really didn't want to change the drugs Christopher was on because we did have so much shrinkage; however he wants the best for Christopher and has changed his drugs around. This however, gives him a 60% chance of losing his hair (but hey last time it was 50/50).

Christopher is in great spirits and the doctors re-assure us that this is not a set back. Just his body becoming used to the drugs he was on (which they warned us might happen). They still see things in a positive light and told us not to worry. In two months we will be able to see what this new set of drugs have done. And who knows - maybe this is the shock to his system that the cancer needs to have another big shrinkage!

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers and we will keep you updated on everything! Also I would like everyone to say an extra pray for my cousin and his wife who had their first child Fed. 4th. Kyle was born 8 weeks early and weighed 3lbs. 11oz. Both baby and mummy are doing well and Kurt is being a great support for the both of them. I know a few extra prayers wouldn't hurt for them too!

Chemo: Round XVI

Another chemo day has come once again and the doctors say that Christopher's blood counts are all good. His next CT scan has been scheduled for early Feb. and I don't know about anyone else, but I am on pins and needles to see what everything comes back with. I'm praying that his CEA numbers are in the 400's or lower and that they find even more shrinkage.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Chemo: Round XV

Yesterday was Christopher's 15th round of chemo and I have to say this has all become a routine in our daily lives. Everything is looking good - his number are where they should be and Christopher is in really good spirits. Again the doctors tell us that as long as there is shrinkage, we will keep on the same treatment schedule.

Christopher will go in for another CT scan in Feb. Don't ask me why, but I can't wait for this Feb. scan. They will test his CEA markers again and this time there will be the biggest gap since the last time they were tested - 3 months. So lets hope and pray for a big drop in these numbers (remember the target number is 6 and Christopher was at 633 in November - however that is a still a big drop from the 3300 he was at when this all started.).