"Here I Go"

To say the last month has been a cake walk would be a farce on several levels. Trying to figure out Ethan's situation with daycare, getting him in preschool, meeting with a lawyer to get my will and living will set so I know that Ethan will be in good hands and those people who don't deserve anything don't get anything - it has been on emotional draining month to say the very least. As I put it to my therapist "I'm DONE. Christopher was my cocaine and I'm going through withdrawls..."

However, this morning while I was making coffee and Ethan was watching Disney the strangest thing happened. Disney has this little short called "As the Bell Rings" (it's a little 5 minute bit in between shows) and one of the characters was doing a music video for class or something. So the guy was singing this song and Ethan jumped out of the chair and ran over to me while I making coffee and grabbed my hands. My fist thought was "Muppet, mummy needs her coffee before we do the vecro bit this morning."

But that's not what he wanted! He wanted to dance, so we danced in kitchen, Ethan laughed his intoxicating laugh and he reminded me at that moment more of Christopher and me than anything. I can't tell you all how many times Christopher and I danced in that kitchen with Christopher always the one to get it started and me laughing my ass off the whole time, it almost brought tears to my eyes.

So as Ethan took a nap I went looking for the song (gotta love Google) - I found it. And I love the chorus! It sorta sums up how that moment made me feel and how I think I'm turning a corner in the grieving process. My tears are no longer for the loss of Christopher, but the great memories he has left me.

I will always miss him, but has left me with memories that I will always treasure from now till forever. Below - the song and lyrics. So.... "here I go walking tall with both feet on the ground and making this world my own."

Tony Oller - Here I Go:
I'm here checkin' it out,
guess I might as well (I might as well)
gonna make the most of this before I hear the bell
always been the one in the spotlight
workin out and havin' a good time
now my worlds turned upside down

[Chorus:]
Here I go, here I go
gonna work it out somehow
walkin tall but I hope you know
got both feet on the ground
it's okay, I know that I will find a way
to make this world my own
so here I go (here I go, here I go)
here I go (here I go, here I go)

See my face in a magazine with the stories that they tell
my picture on your wall,
my ringtone on your cell (ringtone on your cell)
got used to living the good-life,
first class with everything just right
now my worlds turned upside down

[Chorus]
Here I go, here I go
gonna work it out somehow
walkin tall but I hope you know
got both feet on the ground
it's okay, I know that I will find a way
to make this world my own
so here I go

Here I Go - Tony Oller