This blog has always meant to be based around the idea of love, light and fighting my way through the situation life has given me. My last blog post got some eyebrow raises and also a standing ovation from friends who praised me for doing what I did.
However, it was hard to dig deep in my soul and make the choice to open the door to my own Pandora’s box for the world to see. But then again, this box needed to be opened to show that I stand my ground and that the line I have placed in the sand isn’t going anywhere.
Yes I “grew a pair”. But to explain how there are nights where I look at my little muppet and think that someone could not have his best interest at heart brings out things that make me not like myself. I don’t like the anger. The sadness and most of all the pain that it brings to my heart.
One day while in the car (on the way to grief therapy of all places) I was radio surfing and caught a line of a song that stuck into my head.
“Mistreated, Misplaced, Misunderstood,” radiated through my ears. Just those three little words got the creative juices flowing and I knew there was a blog post in there somewhere. See to understand how I think would take me days to explain; but let me say sometimes things come to me as simple as a line from a song. Music; what can I say, it’s my addiction. Lyrical poetry that speaks to my heart and seems to put the world in a state of zen when I need it to be.
I spent most of the week wondering what else was behind that song that I missed by having to turn my car off to make my appointment. Then one day while listening to the iTunes radio there it was. Clear as day and at a time of day that I wasn’t tuning the background noise out. It was wonderful. It was inspiring. It hit my soul with a fire that would send a bond fire up like a set of matchsticks.
And like any song that I relate to I had to find out about it – what did it mean, why did the artist write it, what are the lyrics to it. And reading those words just made me love everything about this song even more.
It made me think of all my ups and downs in life and how sometimes I feel mistreated, misplaced and sometimes possibly even misunderstood. But it’s life and we do the best we can at it. It can cause us to second guess what we know is right in our hearts and underestimate the power of our own feelings. But I took my fear and swallowed it whole. I’m not trying to ignore the situation that presented itself.
I will always remember a conversation I had with my dad who shared with me how he wanted things in his life and carrier and didn’t get them – but it didn’t mean that he was any less of a person. It just wasn’t meant to happen. But he made the choices he made to always better his life for his family. That conversation will always stay with me. Because it was my dad’s way of saying that I didn’t have to be President of the United States, he was happy with whatever I was as long as I was happy. And honestly knowing that and having those friends who sent me emails and commented on my blog about how they admired me and what I was doing – it was like a thousand pats on the back that I needed to know I did the right thing.
It’s like the song on the radio who’s words filled my soul with grace and a undefined tenacity; Pink’s F**king Perfect, “Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead. Everything is so complicated; look happy, you’ll make it. Pretty, Pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel like your less than f**king perfect. Because you are to me.”
This song, made me think of Ethan and the ups and downs he will have in his life. How he might find himself “mistreated, misplaced or possibly even misunderstood” with the situation we have been placed in. And it got me thinking that everyone in life should have that person that gives them those moments when they get that pat on the back. Everyone should feel like I did reading friends comments about something that was so hard and gut wrenching for me. And to bring some light back into this blog I want to let some people know some things…
To my late grandparents, you are perfect for the families you created and the love you shared and brought into their lives. Papa Agenlly I wish I could have known you and the graphic artist that you were. I think we would have had some amazing conversations. Grammy Agnelly you were perfect to me in all your short and sassy Italian ways; I know where part of that spitfire in me comes from. Papa Johansson you were perfect in how you cared about those around you and I know where I got a bit of my humor in life. Grams you’re perfect in the ways that you showed me what it meant to be a gentle and yet to be strong like any good southern woman.
To my parents you created two amazing kids who owe you the entire world. You taught us what the word resilient means and how we should never be ashamed of who we are. You showed us how to stand on our own two feet with courage and yet were always the one to give a helping hand when we fell flat on our own faces. I’m more than proud to have you as my mum and dad; you’re perfect to me.
For my brother who never stops amazing me. You were brave to make changes in your life and take steps that most would be afraid of and for that you are perfect to me.
To my friends, D, J (in BR), J (in Gtown) and M – you all are so perfect through my eyes. D you are perfect for working so hard to understand and engulf your self in love and working towards letting it fill you from the inside out. I know that you and T will be so “happily ever after”. J in Gtown your perfect for everything you have done for Ethan and I, thank you . J in BR you perfect in the way that you work so hard to find your sense of zen; one day at a time. M you are perfect in how you raise three kids and always keep a calm and collected head.
To my blog readers your perfect to me for following the ramblings of a stranger and giving me the motivation to know that I’m not the only one out there that sometimes needs to know I’m not alone.
To my other friends and family you all are also perfect to me. You’re out pouring of love amazes me daily and without you all I don’t know where I would be. Especially those of you who live in El Paso and Tennessee.
To my neighbors; you all are more than perfect to me. Without you all, there would be lost a major ingredient of Hope that I find here. I love you all so very very much.
And last but not least – My muppet you are so f**king perfect in my world. You are the collaboration of love and everything that is good in this world between your dad and I. You are perfect from those long eyelashes to your little monkey toes. You are such the perfect blend of compassion and stubborn headedness that even when I’m giving you the eye to correct you – know that I smile from the inside out with the joy that you bring into my life. You my muppet will and always be so perfect to me. So please don’t feel any less than that…
Go home and hug that certain someone who makes you feel like they are perfect to you and let them know it…
No comments:
Post a Comment