It’s the idea that something that is locked in our head can turn out to be something so magical for hundreds of thousands of people. Heck millions if not billions. That in and of its self is magical. Can you even fathom the marketing department it takes to keep a place like that running and bringing people to it each year? I would say that working for this company in their art department would be my dream job; but then again the idea of living in a place hotter than Texas? Ummmm…. That dream just might stay there in the white rabbit hole that sits between Neverland and my own Adventure Land.
I recently went on vacation with my muppet. And yes, we went to Disney World. Me, Ethan, my parents and my brother (for a short time) all stayed in my parents RV at Disney’s Fort Wilderness Camp Ground and spent 10 days exploring the World that millions flock to. It was the first time for Ethan and honestly a little over 12 years for my family and I. So yes, in a way there were things different, new and also very magical for everyone.
However, the most magical part about it all was Ethan’s face. He was so excited about the idea of Disney World, I think I could have taken him to a new mall in Dallas and he would have thought it was Disney World. Now don’t get me wrong I showed him photos on the internet and explained things where I could; but honestly, can you really explain a place like this other than through the overwhelming awe that floods into our senses when you walk down Main Street USA for the first time?
Ethan was memorized and I personally couldn’t help but revert to my ten-year-old self for him. To see him completely terrified of Big Thunder Mountain only to be completely shocked when he got off the ride and went from what I thought was him being on the edge of a melt down to jumping up and down yelling at the top of his lungs, “That was awesome! Can we go again?!?”
I loved how with each ride it became his new favorite. And with each new “fav” he added to his list, a new fav was added to mine because it was my muppet’s favorite and the smile that came over his face filled my heart with so much joy, I couldn’t help but smile from the inside out. It made my heart sing to see him so excited and enjoying himself so much.
At the end of our trip Ethan proclaimed that the Buzz Lightyear ride was the best thing in the whole wide world, next to Thunder Mountain, The Speedway and the Carrousel (and who would have thought he would like the carrousel because back home I can’t really get him to ride in a shopping cart let alone anything that moves in a circle and up and down for less than 60 seconds.)
We spent ten wonderful days exploring the new adventures, getting bitten by various spiders and bugs and making memories that I hope Ethan will remember for years to come. But this month wasn’t filled with just a vacation, but two birthdays that were turning points for both Ethan and I.
This year I turned 34 and to be honest this birthday felt different. How might you ask? Well I don’t think I can fully explain without explain what up to this point my 30’s has meant me to be up to this point.
About two weeks before my 30’s birthday Christopher and I got the news that he had cancer – yeah happy birthday to me… We didn’t do anything on my birthday because Christopher had staples that covered the lower half of his stomach. But I saw this birthday as a transition to a new life – a new healthy life. One where we, together would fight this cancer.
On my 31st birthday Christopher was becoming increasingly tired from the non-stop chemo and again my birthday somewhat went under the radar because I didn’t want him to feel bad that he was too tired to do anything. Then just a few short months later I became a widow. Again… yeah to the 30’s (insert largest sarcastic eye roll I can muster).
Turning 32 was hard for the simple reason of this was the same age that Christopher was when he was told he had cancer. I think I spent most of the day wondering how I would feel if someone told me that I had cancer – what would do, what would I think, how did Christopher do this? It made me admire him more and more for all that he went through.
Then there was last year’s birthday. 33. I was the same age as Christopher was when he passed. Looking at Ethan was really hard that day. To think that Christopher knew for a month that he was going to die. He was going to leave this little man that means so much to him. It was heart breaking and to say the least I tired to ignore that birthday to the best of my ability. I didn’t bring attention to it at work and for the most part tried to ignore Facebook the best I could. It was one of the most difficult birthdays I have ever had.
Then there was this year. I expected it to be hard. I expected it to hurt. I even prepared myself for the tears to flow most of the day. But what I got… Shocking. I woke up that morning, excited. Filled with anticipation for the day. This was a new day, yet more than just a new day. This was a new year. Where I expected the pain of living one more than Christopher – it was filled with nothing… No heavy burden on my shoulders; that weight was some how lifted. It was like I was living life through a new set of eyes. When people wished me a happy birthday – I smiled for the first time in four years. And you know what? It felt good to smile and be proud of being one year older.
Why this sudden transformation in the way I saw something as simple as turning a year older? Maybe it’s because I woke up and said I’m tired of the pain and hurt that cancer brought to me. Maybe it’s because I now see the beauty that being able to have that one more birthday means to me; to Ethan. Whatever the case maybe; I’m happy to have felt that feeling and I hope that 35 brings more!
This month was also Ethan’s birthday. My little muppet turned five. Five. Even as I type this I can see him the morning of his birthday when people would ask “and how old are you?” Ethan putting his hand as high in the air as he could reach and spreading his fingers as wide as his little hand could spread them without dislocating any digits and proclaiming that he was “five because his mommy took away his four!”
Watching Ethan so excited about his birthday made me feel good as a Mom and so sad at the same time. This birthday marks a time when Ethan as lived more time without his Dad than with his Dad. As a parent it breaks my heart. Yet as a single Mom, watching my child so happy at his birthday party – running and playing with other children and not even thinking twice about where his Mommy is; well lets just say it made me feel good.
It brought a peace to my heart that even in those moments where I want to throw my hands up in the air and say – I don’t know how to be a single parent, I don’t know how to answer than question of why daddy can’t come home, or why and how do I explain the new set of challenges that comes with being a single parent –it’s all worth it. It’s all worth the books I have read, the articles that others have written and my own personal discovery of the how the mind works when it comes to the loss of someone that filled your life with so much joy. Everything I have experienced has been worth it in one way or another.
So as you can see my month has been packed and full with allot and I’m just starting to get Ethan back on his routine and back in the groove before he and I face a whole new milestone. Kindergarten. (insert deer in headlight look of horror – then insert the thought of a pay raise from less money in daycare – ok so maybe kindergarten won’t be so bad after all… insert evil grin)
I will say I am very excited for Ethan to start Kindergarten, but will save that for another post. For those who follow (and who I haven’t lost over such a long post) I’ve started a Facebook page where I’ll try and update the things that Ethan and I are doing and also something new that I’ll be doing in the month of October. Lets just say that I hope it will go viral and I will have a flood of people who will participate in it. I’m working with a dear friend on it and I hope to announce it soon!
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