October 12th

On October 12th my facebook book status was, "[Today] I remember how life all changed 3 yrs ago." It was that day, three years ago that Christopher's battle with cancer ended. It was a day where I knew; life as I knew it was going to be different – completely. And as I started on my new path of my new normal and my own self discovery I saw how it was all so different and yet still the same.

This morning I walked my little muppet to school - in the rain. Yes the rain. Ethan loves the rain like there is no other; which he takes after his dad. Christopher's belief was that the rain was pure and clean; so, ergo you have to walk in the rain at least once in your life to understand what life is all about. It was/is an interesting philosophy to say the least and one that as I move closer to my zen I’m starting to understand where he was coming from. So it didn't surprise me (at all) that that day Ethan wanted to walk in the rain. So we did.

I will admit that when I suggested to Ethan that we drive to school I might have been a hair bent out of shape when he exclaimed that he wanted to walk and I just might have started to put the proverbial Mommy foot down on that choice. However, that day is the one day out of the year that I promised myself that Ethan and I resided in a different plain, for this one day, we are friends – equals in a way. We both experienced a loss and my loss is no greater than his. The pain that might find it’s way into my heart is no sharper or stronger than the one that will/might find it’s way into his. This was a day of celebrating the life of the one we lost and the life of the one who bought so much joy into our hearts. So… we walked… in the rain.

We jumped puddles. We laughed. We goofed off. Ethan told me I walk too fast. I joked that’s because he walks too slow. We made silly faces at each other. I asked him if he was going to have good day and he said in a very loving tone, “today I will be brave mommy.”

I was taken aback. I have never really explained what this day means directly to Ethan. I have never felt like it was the right time; yet. However, I have shown him through changing things we do on this day that today is a very special day for the both of us; even going as far to say, “today is a special day and one day I will explain it all to you when you are older.” So for my muppet to express his bravery to me – it was heart stopping and stopped me in my tracks.

When we got to school he hugged me, told me that he loved me and as he ran into the building turned and blew me a kiss. My heart filled with warmth; he’s never done that on the way to school. See, if you knew Ethan you would know how much he loves school and how as I drop him off he runs to get to his class room because he craves learning. So this simple little gesture of his love and devotion made my day just a little brighter.

I went home and got ready for something I have be working on for the last 16 months. Why 16 months? Well that’s how long Christopher was on chemo. It’s how long h roughly his overall battle with cancer was. So it’s in my way of reminding me of his struggles and keeping in my heart that he never gave up. This day I cut off the 12” of hair that I’ve been growing out. It’s been a labor of love to say the least – the summers are the worst with long hair and we’ve had a pretty warm one here in Dallas this past summer. But it’s a labor of love that I not only loved doing, but knew that at the end of this journey it would go to a child in need and that is all I needed to know to know that this gift was one I couldn’t give up on.

Cutting all that hair off was emotional to say the least. It’s one of those emotions where you feel like as high as a kite before your about to do it – then as it’s happening your asking your self why you are doing this – then it’s done and you look and see what you are able to give someone and it fills your heart with so much joy you almost burst from the inside out.

After getting my hair cut I ran and got some cup cakes and then was off to pick up my muppet. He was so excited to see me and me for him. We hugged and he asked what we were going to do (being that I picked him up earlier than normal). I told him we were going to visit daddy and that I had some cup cakes for us to eat. He was super excited and asked if we could leave a cup cake for daddy too.

When we got out to the grave, we sat and talked about his day at school and what things were his favorite part about the day. We talked about how good the cupcakes were and how he “loved” these cup cakes.

We didn’t stay long, Ethan managed to eat the frosting off a cupcake or two and I realized that we needed to get some dinner before he filled up on sugery-frosting-goodness.

That day was hard to fathom being that it’s been 3 years and yet feels like it was so much longer than that and yet there are times that it feels like only a year ago. Grief is a strange thing. Its one where I don’t think you completely lose the feeling of loss – you just learn how to cope with the emotion that sits in your heart. And there might be times that we encounter triggers and it brings those emotions to the surface, but as long as we work on understanding them and processing them then they become easier to handle and understand.

I had a good day of remembering the one I lost and yet remembering what this life has in store for me and what I can do for it. Pax.