The Music Man

Ever have those moments when your iPod falls onto a song that you haven't listened to in awhile, or you put a new or lost CD in your player only to come across the most beautiful song that fills your heart with meaning and excites the mind in ways that you thought might never happen? For me it happens a lot. So much so, that a lot of my blog posts are all inspired through the thoughts that are manifested through the gentle sounds that fill my ears and float through my head. Honestly, if music left this world, this artist would surely struggle and possibly starve. It's the one thing in my life that has helped me through so much (musical therapy if you will) and yet it's the one thing that continuously grows with no end in sight.

Music (in any form) is a lyrical symposium of an infinite creative play on words, notes, metaphors and harmonic symphonies; that plays on every sense that fills my soul. It spins a web through the complex emotions that maze through my mind and allows those feelings that I can't always put into words and sanctions them to escape on the back of tunes that help me let go of sorrow, take hold of joy and feel the warmth of memories that I fear I will lose one day.

Each year I have written a letter to Christopher about how much he still amazes me and how much even after time has passed that I still love him with the wholest of my heart. I write to Ethan about the amazing strides that he has over come and how such a small little person changed my life and did wonders when I needed it the most. And all he had to do was smile to make that happen. I write about what I do on those days that are still milestones in my life and what making it through another year means me, but this year things are different.

Life for me is different right now. I'm in a place where it's not late breaking news that the woman who lives on the corner lost her husband and she's left to raise a two year old son. I'm the woman on the corner who has brought that two year old to day care, pre-school, other transitions in life and now walks him to kindergarten every morning. I'm the woman on the corner who sits outside on nice nights when the son she adores is asleep and drinks a glass of wine on her front stoop letting her mind swim through her day dreams. I'm the woman who finds the humor in shows she thought she once lost. I am the woman who found her rhythm in life if you will.

Now, with Ethan in school, soccer and faith formation classes (aka Sunday School), there is another part of my life that needs to be addressed and shared for this new year. Since Christopher passed I have watched my single friends date; some poorly, some struggling to find their way through the dating scene and all the while others were skipping joyfully through it finding the loves of their lives. It's something I've watched, marveled at and sometimes closed my eyes and shook my head.

One of the thoughts that run through my head for some time is could I ever commit to another man? Yeah I've blogged about how I want it; well more so that I would like another child or even just the idea of sharing my life with someone else. However, each time after hitting the post button I was always left with the question of "do I really want all that"? I knew front ways, side ways and in all ways that Christopher loved me like no other. I was his queen. His cheerleader. His greatest defender. The love of his life. So honestly, how can any man really see me that way too? Aren't you only supposed to have one love of your life? Am I capable of love at all? That was always a weekly war in my head. How can you fathom to give your heart to someone when so much of it is taken by someone else? The idea of being single seems easy after all that runs through your head.

One lone day during therapy my therapist explained to me that I don't have to share my heart; I just have to learn to let it grow and there will be someone who will not only be ok with the fact that part of my heart beats for someone else; but will understand and love the fact that it does.

Ok wait - back up the bus? What did my therapist say? That someone will love the fact that I'm still in love with someone else? Was my therapist smoking the good stuff; because I couldn't see anyone loving me. Or that someone would love me for my loyalty to the relationship that I had. Because honestly, if I woke up one day and just didn't still care for this man, this man that I write about and pour my heart out about - then what kind of relationship did we have to begin with that I could toss aside the love we had just to be with someone else?

Then I met the Music Man. We both found each other interesting. His grandmother had lost her first husband, leaving her with a daughter of only a few years old.  And he had always heard the story of how God always brings love into your life as long as you allow it. Needless to say, knowing that little fact about him; how in a way, he was on the "other end" of what I was going through was comforting. His mom and her older sister have different fathers and he's the grandson from this other love that his grandmother was brought to. It was almost as if I was being shown that life does go on and here is this family as proof.

We talked. Became friends. We both share a love for music (honestly he's the only person I know who listens to music the same way I do). His music collection completely surpasses mine (hence why I've nicknamed him The Music Man). He was the first person that I had ever met that we could not only talk about the bands we like, but talk about how music made us feel and how sometimes there is a song that has the best lyrics in the world and yet the notes that surround it don't light a candle to it. Or just the opposite. He's the kind of person that when he reads the first paragraph of this blog will get a huge smile to his face because he completely gets it. Because he feels music the same way I do too.

But that isn't even the best part about this man - this Music Man. The best part is we are truly best friends. I have to remind myself from time to time that he never met Christopher because he talks about him like he did. When I'm upset he reminds me of the loving relationship Christopher and I shared and how there is proof in my Muppet. We've spent many a conversation sharing about our lives and our own struggles with what has gone on in them that it feels like we have been friends for more than the short time we really have been. He's been there as a shoulder to cry upon, vent on, share my fears with and as of late he's been a driving force supporting the things I do with Ethan and my own personal goals in life. He is always there when I need the random help.

One of our ongoing conversations is for me to find happiness. He's always stated that for me to love anyone I needed to work on breaking down the wall that I placed around my heart. That what I went through was hard, but I've proven I'm more than a strong woman and now I need to work on bringing the things that make me the happiest inside my heart so I can break the wall that surrounds it from the inside out. Yes, there is a wall around me. I've known it from the day I was told that cancer entered into my life. It's one that I've built stronger and stronger as I've tried to make it through explaining those tough questions that Ethan and life put in front of me. It's one that I didn't think would ever really fall and part of me wanted it to stay because it was easier to have that than to allow life to hurt me again.

Then one day I was on my way out and the Music Man volunteered to watch Ethan for me. While I ran around gathering my things I hear Ethan ask him in a inquisitive tone, "Do you know where heaven is?" My heart and feet stopped in mid beat. All I could think of is, please don't answer this question, I haven't warned you as to what to say…..

Then before I could intervene I heard him say in a kind and gentle voice, "Yes I do. Heaven is where God is. God created heaven."

My little muppet paused and asked back, "Do you think my daddy is in heaven?" Again my heart stopped and my mind raced as to how I was going to jump into this overly innocent conversation between the two.

The Music Man paused and said in the same gentle voice, "Yes I do. And I think he's in a wonderful place where he looks down on you every day." I fought back the tears and continued to get ready to head out. The whole time I was gone I thought how blessed I was that Ethan had asked the Music Man those questions and not some random sitter that might have been there, because he answered them the way I would have wanted him to. The way that I had always written I had hoped that someone would. And down fell a little pebble that surround my heart.

I started to realize that this man who was not only my best friend meant more to me. He was more, but not just because he could answer a question right to Ethan; he was more because he has been the person who understands me. He understands the situation I come from and when tears fall he's the first to let me know that it's not only ok to be upset, but that he is there to talk, listen or let me scream about it and will never shun me for any thoughts that pop into my head and possibly cloud my thoughts.

He's the man that finds it beautiful that I have had such a great love already in my life; because that means that what Christopher and I had was special and that in return makes me a special person. He's the type of man that I would want around my Muppet. He's understanding of any emotions Ethan might have, but doesn't let him get away with sneaking a cookie and is the first to always tell Ethan that he should listen to his mom.

He's the type of person that always tries to find a solution to a problem and does what he can to help out. He's calm. Reserved. He's not a hot head and he's not the kind of person that would fly off the handle just because things don't go his way or as planned. He grounds me when I get upset and balances me. His confidence in me brings me strength I didn't know I have and he drives me to want to be a better person, boss, mom and friend.

Some might think he's weak for his kindheartedness; however, those people are the weak ones who can't see that it takes a strong man to be with someone who still talks about her late husband and the struggles that might come from watching the end of a sappy movie. It takes a strong man to want to be a part of a child's life who isn't even his. It takes a strong man to deal with everything that comes on the mix-tape of my life.

It takes a strong man to do all these things and remain understanding and willing to talk about the things that flood my mind. It takes for me the understanding and balance the Music Man brings to my life - not only as friends, but as someone that I want to share all my thoughts and  things with. 

Thank you Music Man for being there for me. For helping me during those times when I needed it the most. Thank you for being that random song that fills my ears and helps me let go of sorrow, take hold of joy and feel the warmth of memories that I fear I will lose one day. Thank you for being the man that I need in my life right now. And most of all thank you for being that man that I can rest my head on and feel like life has a whole new adventure again.