One Step Closer

It was Friday around 3pm when the world stood still. The trees rustled with leaves of yellow and orange hues against their dark trunks. For that brief moment in time there were only two people who existed standing next to each other on a cool, damp afternoon. The sounds of the day were muted with only the sounds of one man and his beating heart. Images flashed before my eyes like I was reliving all that I had gone through through the last few years. 

In an instant I was brought to the day that I had convinced myself that I would never be in another relationship; that the idea of being a single-mom for the rest of my life was not only God's plan, but a plan that I could live with. How was I ever going to love when my life was filled with so much fear and loss? How was I going to share my life with someone when my heart had built a wall to protect not only myself, but the love I shared with someone else? The person who was my whole world, my friend, my everything. I was afraid to ever love and open myself up to anyone again because I was afraid of being hurt by something so out of my control. Little did I know, that understand why I closed myself off was just one step closer to unlocking all the pain and really listening to what God's (the universe, whatever it is you put your faith into) plan for me was.

It was a Saturday that I went on a run that changed my life. God shut down all the outside noise of my iPod so that he and I could talk. And I could really listen. My mind was cleared of all that stood in front of me and I was left with just the words and signs that God, the universe or whatever it is you believe in put in front of me that morning. I finished that run and fought back tears that I not only finished a 5k (my first ever), but there was a release that happened when I crossed that finish line. Fear started to leave and it was filled slowly with strength and reaffirmation of my faith. My eyes were open for the first time in a long time and the sounds that I forced myself not to hear started to make a faint and distant sound. I was one step closer to releasing all the misconceptions that I forced myself to believe in. 

On a vacation trip with my family I woke up one morning and started to realize how much someone meant in my life. When I thought about him I wanted to text him and see how his day was going, but I was still so full of doubt. Doubt in letting myself go somewhere I didn't think I could ever come back from. Doubt over the idea that my heart may fall and break into a million pieces all over again. Maybe it was better to just keep myself walled up on the inside. Safe from all that could possibly happen. Little did I know that I was one step closer to letting everything go. 

On a January afternoon I sat at my computer and let my fingers run across a keyboard trying to explain to the world how I was with a man I had nicknamed "The MusicMan". I was again flooded with the idea of fear. How people would react? I was scared that some might find it disrespectful and others would be too overjoyed. As my fingers danced over letters and my eyes darted with each word, my mind processed it all and I was filled with a sense of joy, happiness and peace. I was writing about a man that not only cared about me and my son, but respected all that we had gone through. 

He was the one who taught me that the package deal I had always thought was just Ethan and I was a complete misconception on my part. The package deal was me, Ethan and Christopher. He taught me that people have a past and it can't be ignored but cherished for how it molds the person they are to become and will be in life. At times, I felt like I was in a fairy tale that I would wake up and find everything wasn't real. How could this man be so compassionate towards what I went through and yet so strong to put up with me and my sometimes emotional hurricanes that blew through from time to time? But he did and he brought me one step closer to understanding that I didn't need to know everything in God's plan, I just needed to put faith in myself and trust in that there is one. 

He supported me through the 5ks we ran, the life choices I made for Ethan and myself and and even when I changed the way I ate he found ways to keep me on track. When I was hard on myself he would come over and tell me to look at him, and to gaze upon his eyes was hard. For in them I saw the way he sees me. Strong. Gentle. Loving. Bull-headed. A Fighter. A Mother. Independent. Rough around the edges. Sometimes full of fear. Yet with the gentle touch of his hand and the way pushes my hair around my ear all that leaves me and am replaced with peace. In that brief moment I am allowed to be transparent and all that consumed me to be let go. I am allowed to be me. The "d" I thought I once lost. I was just one step closer to understanding what this man meant to me. 

It was a cool September morning that the MusicMan and I ran a 5k together and ran it side-by-side. It was in that run that my heart swelled with such joy and happiness. Here was a man that supported me in so many ways that my words often fail me when I want so desperately to explain to him that everything he does for me and what it means to deepest recesses of my soul. Here in that run was the physical manifestation of everything that he had done for me. By my side: when life speeds up, slow downs, feels like an uphill climb or downhill coast; he is there by my side pushing me through when I need it the most. 

In his eyes I find the grace and beauty this world has. The touch of his hand takes away all my worries and fears and replaces them with peace.  There isn't a morning that goes by that before my eyes have opened and my feet hit the floor that I haven't already thanked God, the universe, or whatever it is you believe in that the MusicMan is apart of mine and Ethan's life. His love and support truly has brought me one step closer to where I am today. At peace and happy.

It was a Friday around 3pm when the world stood still at the Dallas Museum of Art. While all these images flashed before me and where I had come from; the journey this world has brought me through; I watched in awe as the man who had helped me, supported me, let my tears and sobs fill his ears, knelt down on one knee before the battleground of memories that flashed before me. His gentle eyes gazing up at me; he uttered the words, 

"You make my life beautiful as the work of art that sits here. Will you always make my life beautiful? Denise will you marry me?"

I fought to hold back the tears that wanted to push through and enjoyed the moment of how time stool still for us. I took one step closer and hugged him. I could feel both our hearts beating fast in rhythm with each other. Every breath, every sigh, every tear that had been ever shed during every hour of every day and every year had come to this... 

My heart grew to include another who's love was different; yet equal in it's strength. God's plan that had laid out over the course of time was unveiling it's self briefly to me that even with great sorrow there is always a plan. One only needs to trust in it; to put all of themselves to it.

I've overcome so much and in that I've had the strength of one man to show me what it meant to be loved by the inside out and what love feels like from the inside out. I learned how to be a fighter and never let the world take from me what means the most to me and Ethan. Then I was blessed to have another man come into my life that showed me what great friendship means and how love can be found again when you least expect it. How letting yourself be loved is sometimes the most difficult task, but when you allow yourself to tear down the walls that surround your heart and open yourself up; another great love can be brought to you. Everything in time. One step closer to God's plan.

(ps... I did say yes and my little muppet is to the moon and back with excitement!)