Happy 8th

Christopher didn't ask me to marry him, he viewed marriage as a step in life. Just one little step to the greater picture. He asked me to grow old with him. That for him was what he really wanted. For us to be together, celebrating the years and growing old gracefully together. Eight years ago we both made a vow to grow old together in front of God, our friends and family. We had a plan for life, but life (and God) had another.

I accept that plan, as "eeff'ed" up as it seems to be at the moment. I accept with an open heart what is meant for Ethan and I and with this open heart will always be Christopher nervously wiggling his hands like he did on our wedding day.

This song is for you my love on our 8th.

From Where You Are - Lifehouse

Living Strong Day

Today, two years ago, a doctor told us Christopher had cancer. And after several months of therapy I have come to learn and accept that this was the day I started to grieve. I was in denial about the whole thing, trying to put on a brave face in front of the man that was so much stronger than I, but on the inside I knew he was scared shitless. Who wouldn't be.

If a year ago, you asked if I would writing about another year down living strong with cancer, I would have said "hell yeah!" I was and will always be Christopher's biggest cheerleader for his triumphs and his biggest defender against those who hurt him and upset him the most. But this year, on this day, I write about we (Ethan and I) are living strong with the memory of Christopher. He's always in my heart; always have, always will be.

Though he might not walk this mortal plain, he walks with Ethan and I in our hearts, minds and souls; he always have, always will be. And for that, his loss is a little easier each day the sun sets. Knowing that he's not in pain, that he can watch over us and most all he lets me know he's here by the warm feeling I get in my heart when I think of him.

Today is day that I ask all of you, to look toward the one you love. Feel that feeling in your heart that tells you they are special. Remember that feeling. You will carry that around for the rest of your life; you always have, always will.

Happy Birthday, My Love

To my dearest love; Christopher,

Saturday would have been your 34th birthday. I woke up that morning thinking about you and went to bed thinking about you. Your memories filled my thoughts constantly throughout the day. I find it strange that your birthday was the 6month marker for your services - it was like you always planned it that way. But then again you always did have your way when it came to certain things-especially when it held a symbolic meaning.

To say I miss you is an understatement, to say that my love has grown leaps and bounds for you in these 6 months would be a gross trivialization of the truth and to say that this can only get easier.... it will never get easy, I just learn how to live with the situation a litter better as time goes on.

In thinking about you Saturday - I heard a song. I felt like you brought this song to me (because Lord knows I don't listen to this person). I have always felt you there when I have needed you the most and I know you will be here for Ethan and I, now and in the future when we need you and for that I love you...always and unconditionally.

You always told me that it's not about the storm - but rather how we weather the rain. So to say this song is like you speaking me... well I get it...

"There will always be another mountain, I am always going to want to make it move, Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm going to have to lose, It's not about how fast I get there or what's on the other side. It's about the climb...."

Happy Birthday My Love.

Lyrics | Miley Cyrus lyrics - The Climb lyrics

Ethan's Bill

For sometime I have rolled around this idea in my head that for awhile I thought it was more of a fleating random thought of conciousness; but it's not. This idea has been growing in my head and it's now to the point where I need to do something with it - I feel drawn to this path.

It's call it "Ethan's Bill" and it's a bill that I would like to try and get passed in congress. I know this is a huge undertaking, but I feel like this is something that I need to do (at the very least try to get people aware of it). The bill would state if a child's blood parent is diagnosed with any form of cancer before the child is of age 21, genetic testing can be done to find out the risk for the child to have the cancer gene and if it is found that the child does have the gene to be pre-deposed to cancer then 1 - insurance can't say it's preexisting if cancer is found later in life and 2 - routine testing for that child be covered under insurance no matter the age. I'm sure there would be more to the bill, but for now that's the bare bones of it all.

Again, I know this is a HUGE undertaking, but it's something I feel drawn to do. Does anyone out there have any insight on how I would get this started - are their forms? Or if anyone knows anyone that I could talk to about this?

The Garden

So part two of yesterday's post "Here I Go". In that moment after dancing in the kitchen with Ethan I thought of all the things that Christopher and I had once planned on doing or at the least talked about it, but never found time or never got around to it. However, just because Christopher isn't here physically to help me do these things - doesn't mean that he's not here in spirit to help me with them.

So first thing on the list, grow a vegetable and herb garden! So Saturday morning Ethan, my cousin and I went to Lowes and I got all the seeds I wanted to plant! Carrots, Basil, onions, green onions, tomatoes...the list goes on. It was so exciting sitting on my stool out in the garage, while Ethan napped, working on the planting table my dad made for me out of an old rabbit cage stand.

It was freeing to know in my heart that this just one of the many things that Christopher and I will do together; in my heart.

And yes those are my seeds I planted! Can't wait to watch them grow!

"Here I Go"

To say the last month has been a cake walk would be a farce on several levels. Trying to figure out Ethan's situation with daycare, getting him in preschool, meeting with a lawyer to get my will and living will set so I know that Ethan will be in good hands and those people who don't deserve anything don't get anything - it has been on emotional draining month to say the very least. As I put it to my therapist "I'm DONE. Christopher was my cocaine and I'm going through withdrawls..."

However, this morning while I was making coffee and Ethan was watching Disney the strangest thing happened. Disney has this little short called "As the Bell Rings" (it's a little 5 minute bit in between shows) and one of the characters was doing a music video for class or something. So the guy was singing this song and Ethan jumped out of the chair and ran over to me while I making coffee and grabbed my hands. My fist thought was "Muppet, mummy needs her coffee before we do the vecro bit this morning."

But that's not what he wanted! He wanted to dance, so we danced in kitchen, Ethan laughed his intoxicating laugh and he reminded me at that moment more of Christopher and me than anything. I can't tell you all how many times Christopher and I danced in that kitchen with Christopher always the one to get it started and me laughing my ass off the whole time, it almost brought tears to my eyes.

So as Ethan took a nap I went looking for the song (gotta love Google) - I found it. And I love the chorus! It sorta sums up how that moment made me feel and how I think I'm turning a corner in the grieving process. My tears are no longer for the loss of Christopher, but the great memories he has left me.

I will always miss him, but has left me with memories that I will always treasure from now till forever. Below - the song and lyrics. So.... "here I go walking tall with both feet on the ground and making this world my own."

Tony Oller - Here I Go:
I'm here checkin' it out,
guess I might as well (I might as well)
gonna make the most of this before I hear the bell
always been the one in the spotlight
workin out and havin' a good time
now my worlds turned upside down

[Chorus:]
Here I go, here I go
gonna work it out somehow
walkin tall but I hope you know
got both feet on the ground
it's okay, I know that I will find a way
to make this world my own
so here I go (here I go, here I go)
here I go (here I go, here I go)

See my face in a magazine with the stories that they tell
my picture on your wall,
my ringtone on your cell (ringtone on your cell)
got used to living the good-life,
first class with everything just right
now my worlds turned upside down

[Chorus]
Here I go, here I go
gonna work it out somehow
walkin tall but I hope you know
got both feet on the ground
it's okay, I know that I will find a way
to make this world my own
so here I go

Here I Go - Tony Oller

Lemonade

The old saying is "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". Well, me, of all people know that making lemonade when life gives you the bitterest of lemons can be a hard act to swallow no matter how much sugary smiles and watered down interest you put into it. Some times it's just rough and you want to scream at the top of your lungs that you give up; make the sour face and crawl in a whole.

So today I went to give my friend (the one who needed prayers for her daddy) some moral support. So Ethan and I packed up some provisions for her and her family and headed downtown. Deanna (my friend) looked tired and the moment I saw her I knew what feelings she was going through. ( I was there not to long ago, trying to help someone I love, seeing them in a state that you don't wish on your own worse enemy.) Life was just throwing one too many lemons....

We talked about Ethan looking more and more like Christopher, what did God have in store for things going on in life, the journey that life - God - the world puts us on and the ups and downs of it all. I let her barrow a book that Christopher's Aunt Vassie gave him when she came down to be with him when he had surgery almost two years ago. It's about hope, love and the miracles they both bring. That book was an inspiration for us when we needed it and I hope it brings them comfort and solace when they read it.

I'm sure Ethan's and my visit was a good distraction to the whirl wind day she and her family had and are having (I hear that her dad is doing really well right now, but he still needs your prayers - there is a long recovery ahead of him.) Please continue to pray for this family, let your prayers also be for the strength they need to live strong through this journey.