Grief vs Mourning

I have gone back and forth as to if should I even post what you are about to read. There have been several times that I write a post and just don't ever post it. It sits in blogger land waiting for the day I click that "publish" button. Often times I will re-read them and think to my self, "this is private, these are my internal thoughts for me only", or "this is between me and God". But after a much internal struggle I thought I would share this one.

As most of you know, once a week I see a personal therapist to help me through everything that has happened not just in the last 3 to 4 months but the last 18. In my last session I told my therapist that I have come to a conclusion that Christopher's cancer and his death was not in vein. I believe 100% in my whole heart that this had to happen to mold Ethan in some way, this is a path that God choose for all three of us. This might point Ethan to his carrier, his views on cancer and helping those with cancer or may be even save his life at some point in time. (a big step to put your faith into and 4 months in the making)

It was at that point that my therapist said he had a worksheet for me to do. It's a list of six questions that I have to answer. Two, every week for the next three weeks. It will be at that point that he thinks I will be out of grief and in mourning.

Now you might be asking "there's a difference"? Yes there is. You have to go through grief before you can mourn. Grief is an internal response to loss. It is what you feel and think about the loss or death on the inside. It is the internal meaning you assign to the loss. Grief is not an event, it is a process that unfolds over time, and you will experience healing of grief over time as well. So often you won't feel "normal" and need the reminder that what we are experiencing is appropriate and expected. It is a time of confusion and emotional disorientation.

Frequently people use the word grief and mourning interchangeably; however, you can't go through grief and mourning at the same time. While grief is an internal response to loss, mourning is the public or external response to, or expression of loss. We mourn publicly at visitations, memorial services and graveside visits. We mourn as we cry, as we celebrate anniversary dates, special remembrance times. Mourning is taking the internal grief we have and expressing it externally.

I left therapy, got into the car and cried. The idea that I was moving on scared me. I was so mad at my therapist for telling me that I was out of grief and made me feel as if it meant that I was "getting over Christopher". I went home that evening and thought so long and so hard about it that I didn't even really sleep. Why did I have such odd reaction to what he said? What made me so mad? Where were these feelings coming from?

Then it came to me. When Christopher's Mom passed away (13 years ago from the same type of cancer) his Dad came to him around the three month mark of his mom's death and told him that he was going to Florida to move in with another woman, he was "moving on". I remember all the angst and dissatisfaction that Christopher felt for his father during that time and how even as he was dying; he loathed his father. It made me feel that if I was transitioning from grief to mourning around the three month marker it validated what his dad did 13 years ago. I felt if Christopher was here I would have disappointed him for not grieving longer.

Then I came across the definition of grief and mourning and while I still miss Christopher, cry for him and talk to him at night like he was here - I mourn for him. I realized, if a man came up to me and asked me to dinner or out for drinks I would tell them "No". In my mind I am still married to the love of my life - I still wear my wedding rings with pride and honor. Even after being together for 16 year (almost 8 year of that marriage) I love him just like we had first met. I will always love him even if I one day I choose to share my life with someone. While the days get a little easier each day; I have great friends and family who help me when I need them the most. And most of all I have my memories of something so very special with a man that was and is so very special to my heart.