My Little Dragonfly

Recently my mind has been consumed with a great number of things that there are days where I don't know if I'm chasing white rabbits down a hole or the other way around. My work keeps me busy as it is, but add in the life of single mother hood, stir and sometimes I feel over baked. But then again I always tell my self that I can sleep when Ethan goes off the college and well that's only what 13 years away; I can stay up that long without sleep. Just kidding. Well… maybe not… (insert sarcastic and tired *sigh* here.)

A few weeks ago I did something that for a mom is life changing; but for me, it was ever so bitter sweet. After dropping Ethan off at pre-school I drove to a building, parked in the first spot I found (which happened to be in the very back of the parking lot). Grabbed some paper work, phone, purse and started to make my way towards this building that would bring back so many memories.

As I walked across the parking lot and the sidewalk I began to listen to the droning sound of my heels click against the concert, the rhythmic pattern of it in step with my heart beat, and how both became a little quicker with each step. Those steps drifted me off through a series of memories that have been floating in my head since that fateful Tuesday when I walked into that building and asked the woman behind the desk where did I go to sign up a child for Kindergarten.

As she put me into a room and I waited for someone to help me I sat at a table made for children. I took in every little teaching aide that ordained the walls. The bright colors and over sized letters where almost visually over stimulating for this designer. And as I took in these colors and letters I could hear Christopher's voice in my head.

"Hey wouldn't it be cool if we walked him to school every morning together?," he would tell me every time we walked to the park next to the school. It was his dream to walk his son to school and yet here I sat in this empty room waiting on someone to get my paperwork and those short little walks that will start in August will be minus one parent. While trying to take my mind off these flashback snippets that ran through my head, I reviewed th

e paper worked that I had already filled out to make sure I didn't miss anything.

And there under the question "how does your child act socially," read "Ethan's Dad passed away in 2008 and Ethan sometimes shares at will that his Dad is in heaven and completely aware of what this means and what it means for him verse other children. However, some children/adults might find it shocking when he brings it up (being that it is random when he does bring it up)."

This was the only place where Christopher was mentioned. There was no place for "Father's Name" - just a spot for "Legal Guardian". It was then that I was coming to a pass in our lives, when time has us in the space where it isn't headline news that his dad is gone and yet not enough time for the sting of handling an all new milestones to

go left unnoticed. Then before I could process these feelings a woman walked in and took my paperwork, gave me a stack of paper work and asked that I sign up Ethan for a mini-tour of the school.

As I glanced at the days there it was an April 18th tour. Christopher's birthday and the 6 month mark of when he was laid to rest. I didn't even look at other days or times. I knew that was going to be the day I took Ethan on his tour. It was a way for Christopher to be there in a way that only he knew how. Again, so how he always manages to get his way when I lest expect it. May be it's the artist in me looking for meaning in everything that happens, maybe it's God, the universe, or whatever it is you believe in putting their hand into something so simple and yet complex to expound on a set of emotions that I have struggled and dreaded.

I left there and sat in my SUV for a few minutes taking in what I just did, what it meant for Ethan and how we have both been presented with a new set of milestones that while are bittersweet to me, Ethan will never really know that emotional tug of war that wages in my head and find excitement in it all the little steps in his life. I let my mind flip through the pages of my memories, flashing snippets of images, smells and conversations and finding that this day was more overwhelming than I thought it would or could be. I was joyfully singing my child up for school and struggling not to let the grief of something Christopher looked so forward to not over come the day.

On April 18th Ethan and I went to the school for our tour. Ethan was scared and I think it took all of 60 seconds for him to realize and understand that his friends from pre-school were not going to his "big boy" school. And in classic Ethan meltdown he put on the brakes, cried and begged me to leave. As a mom it's heartbreaking to explain to your child that this all so scary thing - it's not that scary when you yourself remember wh

at it was like to start a new school with no friends. At times it does feel like the world will come to crashing halt and in those moments your fears come crashing in around you. Yet - I put on that "I'm concerned, but you'll be ok" face and explained that his friends on our street are also starting school and he will have friends when he comes here.

What I got back was the classic Christopher look. One eyebrow up, one down, eyes slightly squinted, lips only barely open and the only thing I was waiting for was the "uh-huh" to come pouring out. The good thing about the "Christopher look"; I looked at it for 16 years and it didn't phase me then and I wasn't about to have it phase me now - not when there was still two hours left to this "mini-tour".

Surprisingly it went well with minimal meltdown and after bringing Ethan to his pre-school and me back to work I started putting in his school dates into my computer. Meet the teacher night, popsicle night, holidays, school sessions… it started to become overwhelming. Holy Kindergarten Batman, life is about to change, dramatically.

From that day till about a week ago, there has always been a day that floats by that I think to myself what in holly hell have I gotten myself into. Not only will Ethan start Kindergarten, but he will also begin Faith Formation at our church and will have class one day a week for an hour. Then there is soccer. Yep soccer. Ethan is done with Tot-Kwan-Do and has asked to play soccer. So there goes practice night(s) and game days. SO that's another few days out of the week that I will need to schedule out of the week for us. THEN, yes then, Ethan has asked to take music lessons. And this is where I had to draw the line (for my own sanity and his). But how am I going to do this all?

Then one Saturday while walking back from the pool with my muppet; we saw something wonderful. Something that made both of us stop in our tracks. Ethan saw this subli

me little thing first.

"Mommy, look it's a draco-fly!"

And as quickly as my heart stood stir there is was. A dragonfly. Resting ever so quietly on a branch of our sage bush next to our front door. My first inclination was to just sit and stare and take it in fore the moment before Ethan was sure to bounced through and the dragon fly was sure to fly away. Then before I knew Ethan was so close to this delicate little creature that I wanted to lecture him on getting so close, but I didn't. I didn't because I was more in awe of the fact it just sat there and let us take it in. It wasn't afraid of us. Or Ethan proclaiming loudly that he loved this "draco-fly".

I quickly ran in and grabbed my camera and snapped a few shots off of a creature that represents the love Christopher and I shared and where he was now. See during his funeral our priest explained how leaving this mortal plain was like that of the life of a dragonfly. Immersed in darkness and once it finds light, it can't go home. And here sat this wonderful dragonfly who still to this day has not left my front y

ard and reminds me that even when I think I'm alone in this world - I'm not. He (Christopher) is still there to guide me when I feel as if those new aspects in life seem rough and overly bumpy. He's always here to let me know that I can do anything I put my mind to. And Ethan starting school is no different.

So in a few weeks, Ethan will start something new in his life with going to school and I will also start a new a chapter of our lives with how a whole new routine is about to unfold and be learned. And just like all new things I am sure it will be rough and a little hair pulling truing to figure out how to work, get Ethan to practices and games and balance faith as well. However, what i do know is that no matter the routine - he is there. Christopher doesn't need his name on a sheet of paper to be Ethan's dad, he only needs to rest in our hearts where it's most important.