Clarity

In life, we all have that one topic that keeps our minds running in circles. Bouncing from one thought to the other. Always wondering in the back of our mind if we are over thinking the random snippets of thought or possibly just too lazy to care (or too scared to make a choice that just might impact our lives). I promise you everyone does it. On some level or another, it happens at some point in our lives. From "should I eat in or out?" To "is this choice that I make for myself and/or my child the right one?"

A few months ago, Ethan turned 6. A big whopping, needs-two-hands-to-show-you-how-old-he-is, SIX. (Can I just say where did the time go?) This year's theme was Angry Birds and I was informed by the Angry Bird Master himself (aka Ethan) that I happen to have designed his invite with a sub-par Pig and Yellow Bird…. Sigh, everyone is a critic…. But I digress. This birthday was not only special to Ethan but for me as well. This year we got to celebrate Ethan's birthday with Christopher's Aunt V!

Now for those who don't know the family dynamic; Christopher's mother who passed away had two sisters, V & S. For the sake of this post and for my own personal reasons, we will just call them V & S. Both of these beautiful women did the readings at our wedding and Aunt V did Christopher's eulogy. These two women were the closest thing Christopher had to family that made him feel the way one should feel with family: loved and special to be a part of their lives. They never asked for anything, nor did they ever expect anything from us but our love. These two women meant more to Christopher than I think they will ever know.

A little over a year go Christopher's Aunt S passed away. To say it was tragic was an understatement. There had been so much loss in the family already between the two sisters that my heart broke into a million pieces. I was left speechless, unsure as to what to do or what to say. I coped with it the best I could, but I won't lie, losing her was hard and brought back a lot of memories of emotional upheaval I felt when Christopher passed. Most of all I knew this would be hard on Aunt V. Her last sister gone. Just makes me sad as I sit here and type this post.

But I was blessed and elated when Aunt V asked if she could come down for Ethan's birthday. I was so excited to see her again being that the last time I saw her was at Christopher's funeral and I was even more excited for her to see Ethan who had grown up a lot in the last 4 years. I couldn't wait for her to see his little personality and how much at times he reminds me of Christopher. But I was also scared. Scared that things would get brought up that I had made my mind up on and wasn't planning on moving from my stance. Other than a few emails and phone calls here and there, we didn't really talk about the other side of Christopher's family dynamic and the choices I had made on that front. I was worried that she might have talked to said parties in question and was going to lecture me on how wrong I was or what I should do instead. Or was she going to side with me and support me in my choices? Would she find the man I'm dating repulsive? Or think he's nice? Would she think that I'm too strict with Ethan or not strict enough?

Yes, my mind floated in and out of all the possibilities that one could possibly think of (and I even think I thought of some some people would never think of). It's just sort of how my mind works - think of all possible scenarios and work every plan of attack from that point on. It's exhausting and I'm seriously trying not to be so anal with my thoughts when it comes to this aspect of my life - but then again it's the only way I know to protect myself emotionally. Sad to say.

I picked Aunt V up at the airport and my heart skipped a beat. It was so good to see her and see her smile. We talked the whole way home without stopping about what is going on in my life, in hers and her kids. It was like those 4 years that had passed didn't exist. She bonded with Ethan quickly and he to her. They had so much fun spending time together and bonding over playground and pool antics that it warmed my heart to see Ethan connect to her so quickly.

After Ethan's party (which turned out amazing if I do say so myself) on the last day before Aunt V had to leave she and I went out to see Christopher. We drove out and sat next to his grave and talked for a few hours. We shared our fears, regrets and hopes. She talked about all the things she wished she would have done differently for Christopher and I shared how much he loved and admired his Aunts. We talked about the topics I was afraid might come up and she supported me in my choices and told me that as a Mom she knew that what I was doing was right.

We talked about the man I am dating and how my love for him would never be exactly the same as the love I have/had for Christopher. But that the new love in my heart, while it felt different, was equally as vast and just as comforting. She talked about her own life and how while she didn't lose a spouse to death, she understood the struggles of moving forward in life. She commented on how proud she was of me for everything that I have done for Ethan and in my life - keeping Christopher's memory alive and yet still moving forward with life.

In the passing days after she left, I started to question this little part of me that has always been in the back of my mind. Balance. How do I gracefully balance the life I had with one man that I cared so deeply for with this new man whom each day my feelings grow stronger? How do I respect both equally? Was I really doing the great job that Aunt V said I was doing? Or was I just fooling myself? It's a question that pops up from time to time in my mind and just sits there. Circling around like a shark to it's prey waiting for the right moment to attack the mental swimming's that float in my head.

Then while Ethan was on the start of his vacation with my parents the Music Man and I had had a conversation one night about our grandparents and how much they meant to us; how much our lives were shaped by who they were. Shortly after that with no Muppet to worry about Music Man called me and asked if I wanted to take a short little drive to visit his Grandfather's grave. He hadn't been there in almost eight years and after our conversation he felt the urge to go. So we did.

The drive took a little over and hour and we talked the whole way about all the great memories we had with our Grandparents and shared funny little stories. When we got to the cemetery the Music Man was unsure of where the grave actually was. He told me to look for his Grandfather's name and how he would be next to the grave of a man named "so and so". My first thought was; funny how he can remember the name of the guy his grandfather is buried next to, but not where his grandfather is buried?"

After walking around and looking for a good 30 minutes we found his grandfather. I placed a flower that I had brought from my backyard and placed it on his marker. As I looked to the right I saw the other head stone of his neighbor with the name we were suppose to look for as well. As I looked at the birth and death date I realized how young this other man was when he died. Maybe 27 at the most. As my mind drifted with how sad it was that this other man lost his life at 27; my thoughts were interrupted.

"That was my Grandmother's first husband," said the Music Man.

I turned and looked him with what I'm sure was the most questioning and confused look.

"They are buried side-by-side?" I asked.

"Yeah."

We soon left and I started to realize how eye opening this trip was for me. It was God's (the Universe, whatever it is you believe in) way of giving me a nudge. Pushing me through all those mental road blocks that I had put in my mind for my thoughts and emotions to trip over. Here was a woman who lost her husband, had a young child, and move forward with her life. Here was a woman who had so much balance in her life that the two men she love(d) and adore(d) are buried side-by-side. Equals. Equals in love and stature. This moment in my life was eye-opening, inspiring and just what I needed.  

After we left there we went out and grabbed a bite to eat and beer. I explained to the Music Man that while I knew this trip was for him; I some how felt like it was for me as well. It was the visual explanation that I needed to help me that life does have balance. The only person keeping me from that balance is myself.

Dating is hard. Dating being a widow is even harder. You second guess yourself all the time. Am I doing the right thing for my child? For myself? Is this the person I want to be a role model for my child? And the answer always boils down to this. As long as you have balance and know that in your heart this person fits your values, respects your memories of those gone, supports you in every way that challenges you to always be a better person and in return you do the same for them; then yes, you are doing the right thing. You are with the right person. You have found that balance that life needs and sometimes you just have to step back and see it from a different set of eyes.

I needed that talk with Aunt V to help me understand that to keep life moving forward I needed to forgive myself for my mental mishaps and challenge myself to push through the random hunting's of my mind. I needed to be there for the Music Man to see that in his life his Grandmother found a balance between the man that was taken so quickly and the man that everyone called Granddad. I needed to see that here was a family that accepts that their life was a little different and respects that God put them on this path. I needed to see all of this. I thank God everyday that he gave me those days and the clarity to understand them. Pax.