Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Happy 8th

Christopher didn't ask me to marry him, he viewed marriage as a step in life. Just one little step to the greater picture. He asked me to grow old with him. That for him was what he really wanted. For us to be together, celebrating the years and growing old gracefully together. Eight years ago we both made a vow to grow old together in front of God, our friends and family. We had a plan for life, but life (and God) had another.

I accept that plan, as "eeff'ed" up as it seems to be at the moment. I accept with an open heart what is meant for Ethan and I and with this open heart will always be Christopher nervously wiggling his hands like he did on our wedding day.

This song is for you my love on our 8th.

From Where You Are - Lifehouse

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Living Strong Day

Today, two years ago, a doctor told us Christopher had cancer. And after several months of therapy I have come to learn and accept that this was the day I started to grieve. I was in denial about the whole thing, trying to put on a brave face in front of the man that was so much stronger than I, but on the inside I knew he was scared shitless. Who wouldn't be.

If a year ago, you asked if I would writing about another year down living strong with cancer, I would have said "hell yeah!" I was and will always be Christopher's biggest cheerleader for his triumphs and his biggest defender against those who hurt him and upset him the most. But this year, on this day, I write about we (Ethan and I) are living strong with the memory of Christopher. He's always in my heart; always have, always will be.

Though he might not walk this mortal plain, he walks with Ethan and I in our hearts, minds and souls; he always have, always will be. And for that, his loss is a little easier each day the sun sets. Knowing that he's not in pain, that he can watch over us and most all he lets me know he's here by the warm feeling I get in my heart when I think of him.

Today is day that I ask all of you, to look toward the one you love. Feel that feeling in your heart that tells you they are special. Remember that feeling. You will carry that around for the rest of your life; you always have, always will.