Some people have asked how I have handled caring for Ethan full time without any help. And after doing it for three weeks I have to say not much has changed from the old routine, but I would thought I would share with everyone how it has.
In the morning - then:
Normally I would wake up at 7am and get ready for work; out the door by 8am.
In the morning - now:
I get up at 6am and get ready from 6am-7am. At 7am I wake up Ethan, change him and give him some breakfast (some mornings there is time for a small coloring session). I do have to worry about my clothes, my pants seem to be a nice spot for Ethan to wipe his nose or draw on me with crayon. But I figure; "hey what ever, people know I have a child and if they can't get over the fact that there's a boogie on my pants then they are not ready to have children."
Then Ethan and I are out the door by 7:45am at the latest to be to the sitters by 8am, so I can be to work by 8:30am.
After work - then:
I leave right at 5:30pm to go pick up Ethan by 6pm. When then drive home and I ask him about his day, if he had fun with his friends and what was the coolest thing he learned today. When we get home it's dinner then bath and in bed by 8:30 so Christopher can tuck him into bed and maybe one bed time story.
After work - now:
I leave right at 5:30pm to go pick up Ethan by 6pm. When then drive home and I ask him about his day, if he had fun with his friends and what was the coolest thing he learned today. When we get home it's dinner then bath and in bed by 8pm.
As you can see the routine has not changed much.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
The Toothpick
This past Saturday was my first personal therapy session. I think it went really well and so far I like the guy and his point of view on things, so for now he's a keeper. The first session we talked more about where I am and where I want to be in my grief. He was wary of some things in my life and even went as far to call them "toxic" and asked that I try and to put those things on the back burner for now - to be dealt with at a later date and time.
But the real thing that I want to share with those of you out there is what happened before I left for my session. Let me set the scene.
A cold front came through Friday night and left Saturday in the high 50's. So after getting Ethan's stuff ready for my Aunt and cousin who watch him for me while I went to my session (thank you guys!) I went in to the closet to get dressed. The first sweater I pulled out was too thin for the 50 degree weather and I quickly knew I needed something heavier. I grabbed a thick green sweater and threw it on, but for some reason the arms were really tight (which I still haven't figured that one out, because I have lost some weight and found it old that a sweater I wore last season didn't fit) - so that one was dismissed. I then saw the yellow sweater that Christopher had bought for me one winter. His comment when he brought it home was, "You wear too many dark colors; your an artist brighten up your pallet."
So I threw on this yellow sweater. As I was leaving the bathroom I noticed in the mirror out of the corner of my eye that there was something sticking in the sweater. As I reach around to see what it is, I knew it instantly when I touched it. It was one of Christopher's tooth picks. He was notorious for leaving them in his pants pockets and them going through the wash. So here in the center of my lower back was his tooth pick. It was like he was there to tell me that he was there for me; to help me through this.
Speed up to after the session...
After I was done I got in the car and sat there for a moment; I wished I didn't have to go through this. I thought, why us, why Ethan, why Christopher. Then I started the car. The song that Christopher used to listen to when he was on chemo started playing. (Thee Door Down, "It's Not My Time") I broke down in tears. It was Christopher telling me he was there. He's here to help me through this even though he can't be here physically to hug me, to tell me he's ok and that he loves me.
This was an emotional Saturday, but it was good to share with someone Christopher's journey through cancer. How strong he was for Ethan and I and how much I love him for being the man he was and always dreamed of being. I miss him.
But the real thing that I want to share with those of you out there is what happened before I left for my session. Let me set the scene.
A cold front came through Friday night and left Saturday in the high 50's. So after getting Ethan's stuff ready for my Aunt and cousin who watch him for me while I went to my session (thank you guys!) I went in to the closet to get dressed. The first sweater I pulled out was too thin for the 50 degree weather and I quickly knew I needed something heavier. I grabbed a thick green sweater and threw it on, but for some reason the arms were really tight (which I still haven't figured that one out, because I have lost some weight and found it old that a sweater I wore last season didn't fit) - so that one was dismissed. I then saw the yellow sweater that Christopher had bought for me one winter. His comment when he brought it home was, "You wear too many dark colors; your an artist brighten up your pallet."
So I threw on this yellow sweater. As I was leaving the bathroom I noticed in the mirror out of the corner of my eye that there was something sticking in the sweater. As I reach around to see what it is, I knew it instantly when I touched it. It was one of Christopher's tooth picks. He was notorious for leaving them in his pants pockets and them going through the wash. So here in the center of my lower back was his tooth pick. It was like he was there to tell me that he was there for me; to help me through this.
Speed up to after the session...
After I was done I got in the car and sat there for a moment; I wished I didn't have to go through this. I thought, why us, why Ethan, why Christopher. Then I started the car. The song that Christopher used to listen to when he was on chemo started playing. (Thee Door Down, "It's Not My Time") I broke down in tears. It was Christopher telling me he was there. He's here to help me through this even though he can't be here physically to hug me, to tell me he's ok and that he loves me.
This was an emotional Saturday, but it was good to share with someone Christopher's journey through cancer. How strong he was for Ethan and I and how much I love him for being the man he was and always dreamed of being. I miss him.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
One Month
One month ago today, Christopher passed away. I can't say it was sudden, I saw the signs and I prepared my self for that time when it came. And while it seems like last week we had his services, it all so seems like months that he's been gone. Such an odd feeling.
Last night I went to a support group for spouses and children whom have lost loved ones. While Ethan is not old enough yet for a group he did have fun in the nursery with other children coloring and watching videos. For me, group was hard and while I can't say what we talked about, just know that I'm the youngest person in my group. It was hard to tell seven strangers about the journey that started almost a year and half ago and how that journey for Christopher has ended.
But one woman at the end of group came up to me and asked if she could give me a hug. That simple gesture meant so much. All in all, I did feel at peace with what I shared and I felt as if as I was leaving, Christopher was there whispering in my ear, "that's my girl, I'm proud of you, good job."
Last night I went to a support group for spouses and children whom have lost loved ones. While Ethan is not old enough yet for a group he did have fun in the nursery with other children coloring and watching videos. For me, group was hard and while I can't say what we talked about, just know that I'm the youngest person in my group. It was hard to tell seven strangers about the journey that started almost a year and half ago and how that journey for Christopher has ended.
But one woman at the end of group came up to me and asked if she could give me a hug. That simple gesture meant so much. All in all, I did feel at peace with what I shared and I felt as if as I was leaving, Christopher was there whispering in my ear, "that's my girl, I'm proud of you, good job."
Monday, November 10, 2008
The First Weekend Alone
This weekend was the first weekend with no help from friends or family. I will admit that Friday night was a little lonely. After Ethan went to bed I was sitting on the sofa and I heard our neighbors garage door open. My heart skipped a beat - it was right around the time that Christopher would be coming home from work. It was at that point that I deemed it bed time (and bottle of wine time).
Ethan was a little bit of a handful on Saturday, but he was a real trouper on Sunday when we went out to visit Christopher. I cried, but Ethan whipped my tears and tried to pull me away from the grave site. He's such a wise and strong little man. So I put him in the car, said what I needed to say to Christopher and we left to run errands. He was great with the errand running, that is until he thought the dog food we bought was a snack for him. (We then had the talk about dog food is for Dublin and Goldfish are for Ethan - yes we did have that talk and I think he understood because everytime he looked at the bag of dog food he said, "woff woff").
As I roll into week two, I'm getting ready to meet with the people from Journey of Hope (a support group) and trying to get everything worked out with a personal therapist. We will see how this week goes.
Ethan was a little bit of a handful on Saturday, but he was a real trouper on Sunday when we went out to visit Christopher. I cried, but Ethan whipped my tears and tried to pull me away from the grave site. He's such a wise and strong little man. So I put him in the car, said what I needed to say to Christopher and we left to run errands. He was great with the errand running, that is until he thought the dog food we bought was a snack for him. (We then had the talk about dog food is for Dublin and Goldfish are for Ethan - yes we did have that talk and I think he understood because everytime he looked at the bag of dog food he said, "woff woff").
As I roll into week two, I'm getting ready to meet with the people from Journey of Hope (a support group) and trying to get everything worked out with a personal therapist. We will see how this week goes.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Week in Review
Today I finished up my first week back at work. It wasn't exciting by any means, no one talked to me really and I was left to my own to schedule group sessions for Ethan and I and write some more thank you notes to people who have sent cards and food. Today was my first real project and while it was fun to get back into the work grove, all I could think of was - "I lost my husband, my best friend and I'm working on a flow chart (insert eye brow raise here)".
I did go have lunch with Deanna today and it was nice to get out of the office and chat with someone that I haven't spoken to in awhile. While we ate we talked about Christopher, Ethan and the love that Christopher and I shared. I will admit that Christopher and I shared a love that was stronger than most and we both knew our love was special in our eyes. But it was heart warming to hear people also say that they saw it too.
When I got back to the office I had left my music on and when I put my head set on this is what was playing. It reminds me of Christopher and I. Turn it up, think of the one you love and rock out to that feeling - that was how Christopher and I felt about life, love and each other.
I did go have lunch with Deanna today and it was nice to get out of the office and chat with someone that I haven't spoken to in awhile. While we ate we talked about Christopher, Ethan and the love that Christopher and I shared. I will admit that Christopher and I shared a love that was stronger than most and we both knew our love was special in our eyes. But it was heart warming to hear people also say that they saw it too.
When I got back to the office I had left my music on and when I put my head set on this is what was playing. It reminds me of Christopher and I. Turn it up, think of the one you love and rock out to that feeling - that was how Christopher and I felt about life, love and each other.
Monday, November 3, 2008
My New Normal?
Today, I went back to work. Even with a cold (or flu - what ever this is that has me hacking up grossness). Today I claimed my new normal, a morning of getting ready for work, getting Ethan ready for daycare, then getting us both to our respective places for the day.
The morning was easy, but then again it's just day one. So far at work no one has really said anything to me other than good morning. I think it's the odd feeling of no one really knowing what to say. It's odd, but I think it's more odd for them (my co-workers) than for me. I enjoy being alone to my thoughts at the moment. However, everything is different. The way the key board feels under my fingers, the way the office phone rings at my desk, even the way my purse slides under my desk. It's all weird and different, but I guess it's all part of my new normal. Whatever that may be.
The morning was easy, but then again it's just day one. So far at work no one has really said anything to me other than good morning. I think it's the odd feeling of no one really knowing what to say. It's odd, but I think it's more odd for them (my co-workers) than for me. I enjoy being alone to my thoughts at the moment. However, everything is different. The way the key board feels under my fingers, the way the office phone rings at my desk, even the way my purse slides under my desk. It's all weird and different, but I guess it's all part of my new normal. Whatever that may be.
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