2010 Bucket List

Earlier this month my work had our holiday party at a nice, hip restaurant in downtown Dallas. A few weeks before the party I went looking for something to wear to it. Being that I had lost some more weight, the dresses that resided in my closet were all too big. I walked into one store thinking that I wasn't going to find anything, but I always like the clothes they have in their catalogs so I figured what the heck. After a little stroll around the store this cute little black dress caught the corner of my eye and I had to try it on. 

While thumbing through the sizes trying to figure out what size I am in this store the sales woman asked if I needed help. When I told her I was just looking and trying to find my size she said, "well we are all out of zeros in that one". I think I raised an eye brow at her, there was no way she was serious that she thought I was a zero. But shockingly she was. When I told her I thought I was a size six, she raised an eye brow at me and said there was no way and suggested a four. However, a size six and four were placed in the fitting room at my request.

I was shocked to find that I was a size four - I hadn't been a size four since college. I had to grin to my self while I looked at the sleek refection in the fitting room mirror thinking that in my mind I "thought" I personally looked "awesome" in that dress. Then I pulled out the price tag. My grin quickly turned into a frown. I couldn't see spending that much money on a dress that I was only going to wear once. Normally, I would tell myself that it was worth it because Christopher would always find some place for us to go so I could wear it again. But there is no Christopher to tell me that I could wear it again; ergo, there would be no other chance to wear it again; ergo, a giant waste of money. 

I sat on the bench in the fitting room. My eyes darted at all the clothes I had tried on - none made feel the way this dress made me feel. But the price. My logical side told me over and over, "you'll never wear this again - it's a giant waste of money. You'll never go anywhere this nice again that requires a dress like this. Move on to the next store." I started to tear up while the sales associate was knocking on the door asking if I needed more sizes. I composed my self long enough to tell her thanks and no and started to change back into my clothes.

As I started to slip off this dress, this dress that made me feel beautiful, I thought about the last time I felt pretty. It had been a long time. I couldn't even remember the last time I had looked at my self and thought I was pretty. I had spent the last two and half years taking each day day-to-day. Each moment of my day was planed out even while I was at work. I always called to make sure Christopher was up for his doctor's appointments and work. I always scheduled appointments and gatherings with our friends. I planed date nights. Got sitters. I did everything so that the house and our family kept moving forward in the fight against cancer. And with all of this I slowly watched the refection in my bathroom mirror get more tired and worn down. I spent more time worried about everything around me than I did my self.

It was at that point that I zipped the dress back up and took a picture of the dress with me in it and posted it on my Facebook page asking my friends for their thoughts. One-by-one friends responded with "get it", "you look great", etc. So after some soul searching I did go back and get the dress and I wore it to my holiday party. 

Do I regret getting the dress, yes and no. "Yes", because I really don't have another event or place to wear this dress to and more than likely in a few years this dress will get donated with only one wearing out of it. But at the same time "no" because - for the first time I saw my self as something other than a single, widowed, mom. I saw myself as a woman.

This little black dress now hangs in my closet and every time I walk into it I think about everything I went through and discovered about myself during 2009. I spent my days, day-by-day. I missed the man I loved. I cried. I didn't sleep. I created a schedule to cope with the missing and empty place in my heart. I found peace that surpassed understanding in Christopher's passing. I looked into my self to find the new "d", the one that still has to move along without the man she loved. I hit every milestone with conviction and tenacity. I made it a year and came to the realization that the word widow doesn't define who I am - I do. I am who I am and I will always do things "My Way" as Frank Sinatra puts it.

I will always remember 2009 for everything that I went through, but it's not really a year that I think I will find my self day dreaming about. I learned many things about life, my relationship with God and my self. I've learned that when you think you've hit that threshold, grit your teeth because it can be worse and you just might see it in your own life or of those of your friends.

I sat down today for the first time in my life and wrote down everything that I would like to "make" happen this new upcoming year. Now let me explain why I used the phrase "make happen". One of the things I did learn in 2009 is nothing comes to you. You can't sit at home and think about how you wish someone would come and take you out of your house - you have to get up off your rear and do it your self. Sometimes in life the best bet you can make is on your self. Friends and family are great, but they are also not mind readers. Life is what YOU make it. So I wrote my list of things I would like to make happen. Will they all happen - I don't know. But before the end of 2010 I would like to see little check marks next to all the things on my list. Hence why I call it my 2010 Bucket List. These are all the things that I would like to do, see or accomplish before 2010 kicks the bucket!

What are these things? Well there's allot. Some are privately for my eyes only, others are for Ethan and there are even things for Ethan and I to do together. The beauty of this list is that it is never ending. As I think of things I will add them to my list. And while I hope to do everything on my list - I won't be heart broken if some of the things don't happen - they just weren't meant to happen and I am ok with that.

So I know everyone is sitting there wondering what is on this list that I have jotted down in my little black book. Well here are a few and what they mean to me to have them crossed off my list.

A) Break Ethan of his "paci" habit.

Shortly after Christopher was told he had cancer Ethan became attached to his paci. Then after his passing Ethan and his paci became attached at the lips - literally. So I've put up with people's little comments here and there for a year now about how Ethan needs to lose that thing in his mouth. Well now that we have a year under our belt - Ethan has grown developmentally and I think he's ready. So come January 4th - starts his first day of no paci (this would be a good day to start saying extra prayers for my ears). To do this will help prove to me that I can be a great mom - silly I know. But while most people have their spouses to fall onto for support - I do this on my own. 

B) Go Ice Skating

This one sounds silly, but during our relationship the one thing I always suggested to Christopher was that we go ice skating. However, his schedule never really gave us the chance to. And well,  I'm just not going to spend another year wanting to do something and not doing it.

C) Donate another 12" of hair to Locks of Love

Yes in October I hope to have another 12" of hair so I can donate it again to Locks of Love in Christopher's memory. The one thing Christopher showed me was no matter how sick he was; he always thought of others. So in his honor I will continue to donate my hair until I donate the same amount of hair that Christopher was tall. This years donation will be two feet down - 4 to go. 

D) A day to my self each season

This year I plan on taking one day off of work during each season. While Ethan is in pre-school I will go and do things for myself. Maybe a massage, mani, pedi or even go watch a movie. Something for myself. Something to relax from being a single parent (at-least from the hours of 8:00am-5:30pm) One of the things I learned from my friends that are separated from their spouses is that the weekends that they didn't have their kids they used it as down time for them selves. I don't have that option, so this is the next best thing for me and my situation.

E) I want to feel beautiful 

Ok this one sounds strange, so let me explain. Just like that little black dress made me see my self as pretty for the brief moment I wore it - I want to get to a place where I see that in my self everyday without having to put on a little black dress to prove it to my self. How do I go about it - I don't know. But I have 365 days to work on figuring it out.

There are a few more things on my list and I hope that those of you who follow this blog will find some post here & there where I hope to get excited about crossing  things off my 2010 bucket list.

Doing Things My Way

There has been allot on my mind recently with the close of 2009 coming and of course moving into a new decade so to speak. Yesterday while making some of my world famous pralines I had the TV on in the kitchen and was watching Bravo's "Real Housewives of Orange County" (yeah - can't help it -train wreck - I think I actually lost some of my intellect while watching it)

So I know you all are asking your selves where this is going. Well I'm sure we all sit and see something or hear something and it reminds us one thing; that leads to another thought, then another and before you know it your off on another tangent? Well this is sorta how it happened for me and I will try to explain without losing you; so bare with me.

The Real Housewives of Orange County have a new housewife; I can't remember her name, but I don't think it's important. Any who - she was doing her interview where she explains her life, family life and views on raising a family - it all started ever so normal....

"My hubby, so-and-so, and I have a great relationship. We have three kids. My hubby works really hard and he knows that if he wants to keep me that this is the priority our life holds. I come first above all else, then the kids, then him, then the house...."

OK. Put the breaks on. What did she just say? Good thing I have DVR, because I had to rewind that and listen to it again. And yep. She said it. I think I might have dropped a praline on the floor when I heard it. Or a four letter exploitive - or I might have said the exploitive because I dropped the praline - not really sure.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but anyone that watches that show also knows she has a very strange relationship with her husband. NOW, I will be the first to tell people that ALL relationships are different and different people have different ways of making it work. But me personally, would NEVER put my self over the needs of my family. Who does that? (a statement that I find myself saying allot more lately).

That woman's statement brought me to something my mind has dwelled on allot lately. I have seen and heard of people become very self-centered towards their friends and lives. Maybe it's my situation, maybe it's the way I view things, maybe it's this new "d", the one that is shocked by how people treat those around them - the one who's eyebrows got a work out from all the "insert eye brow raise here" statements. Over the course of 2009 I have heard allot of stories from friends about their relationships, their friends relationship and strangers I don't even knows relationships. And all I can say - there would be allot more pralines on the floor if I just hadn't gotten used to the stories of who said what to who, who broke up with who and who was playing who. My friends know that I've called BS on one friend's friend's perspective of her life (did you follow that one), shook my head at one person's relationship with her BF and called one friend a "ding-dong" in the nicest of ways (insert eye brow raise) because I wanted to smack him up side the head. And in the end this all makes me shake my head.

So where is all this going? Well this morning while driving into work I was listing to Weezer's "Troublemaker". In a way I sorta relate to this song and what 2009, my friends, their situations and most of all life has taught me. Just like that housewife's statement, I have seen/heard things this year that make me want to "drop another praline on the floor". As I have said before 2009 was a year of transitions for me and while part of me can't wait for this year to be over, there is also a part of me that will always remember what I went through this year. This year was painful, gut wrenching and all-in-all not really a year that I told my self I would look back on. But that's not all true.

I did allot of growing this year. For Ethan. For my self. For whatever it is that life holds in store for the both of us. This was the year where I learned my about my own strength and weakness. I have worked really hard learning that it's ok to be afraid of the silence that fills a house that was once filled with inside jokes, joyful memories and the laughs of a family. Those memories are locked in my head to share with Ethan one day and now I fill that silence with new memories for Ethan and I - baking cookies, laughing at the funny faces that my muppet makes and most importantly finding the strength to laugh at my self. I've learned that there is a peace in the empty place next me in my bed. To know that the person who was there is no longer in pain and where he resides in is full of love and joy and that warms my heart. That the love I had for Christopher will live in my heart and Ethan's smile for as long as I reside on this mortal plane.

But above all that - I have learned that as much as I see the good in people - there are people out there that are not as nice or giving. However, that will not change me. I am that "troublemaker" who does things her way; who will still call BS on her friend's friends. Who's not afraid to raise an eye brow at one friends actions or smack her friends up side the head for being a little too trusting 101-times to many. I do it all my way and I will never take from a friend, but only try and give them the peace they need to make it through this journey life gives us. I have learned that it is ok to be who I am. That my friends don't define who I am - I define who I am and I do that through the things I think, do and become a part of.

So what's the moral of this post? Well. In a round about way. It's sorta like this. It's the holidays. Look to your friends and let them know what they mean in your life. Put someone or something, other than your own needs, this time of the year even more so, above anything else. Good will towards man and all that good stuff. Look outward at what you can bring to the world instead of inward of what can get out of those around you. Do me a favor and pick the praline off the floor, brush it off and pass it forward.

(if you still don't get it - Read Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" if you need it to be a little clearer.)

Club "W"

I've mentioned here before that in life you are often given the choice to do what is right and what is easy and I guess I know the universe a little better than I should. Last night I did what I do every Monday after work, I rush to Ethan's pre-school to pick up my muppet. Last night was a little different though. I walked in and could sense that something was afoot. Was it the way the teachers looked at me, was it the air of silence around the building; I don't know. What I do know is that I could tell something was about to happen, but to be honest, I thought a teacher was going to tell me that Ethan pooped in his pants or got into a fight over a toy. What I got - I wasn't expecting.

I walked in and Ethan came running up to me. He was happy. Joyful. Ok, I thought to myself, maybe that something that I felt was a bad lunch coming back to haunt me. Then while putting on Ethan's coat one of his teachers came up to me.

"Did you hear?" she said in a very soft and gentle tone. Once I heard this, my observation in people kicked in. I quickly noticed her left hand holding up right as if she didn't know if she should put a hand on my shoulder. Her veins in her hands were standing out; a sign of increased blood flow and heart rate. That gentle tone in her voice, the calm before the storm.

I braced my self and asked, "Hear what?"

She took a long deep breathe and as I waited for her to respond to what seemed like forever my mind started to dart back in forth as to what she was going to say - was she leaving the school and wanted to tell me because she's really fond of Ethan, did Ethan get hurt and I just can't tell from his happy-go-lucky demeanor this night, what?

"Matthew. Ethan's little friend. His dad passed away from cancer this weekend."

My eyes grew twice the size, this was NOT the news that I was expecting and it threw me off my feet. I don't know Matthew or his mum and dad, but my eyes could not help but dart between Ethan's little smiling face beaming up at me and the photo of Christopher I keep in his cubby. My heart broke into a million little pieces and the questions of "Really God?!? Really!?!" all came flooding into the for front of my mind. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for this family, this child, the woman who just lost the love of her life. The pain I felt over a year ago came racing upon me, but before those feelings could cross the finish line - I mentally put up a wall for them to crash and burn into.

Ethan's teacher, still holding her hands, looked at me and asked if I was ok and in good ole "d" fashion, I raised an eyebrow, took a deep breathe and said "Yes. Yes I am."

In the end this teacher wanted to know if I would reach out to this woman. To let her know she not alone. But the sad part is. I know her place. Her pain. And the place where her mind dwells is not where you want another stranger dancing around telling you that everything is going to be ok, "see it happened to me and I'm ok". And you don't want to hear that it's going to be hard. That the easy part is over - now you have to figure out how life, your child, your-self all moves forward when all you want to do is be locked into your past. You don't want to hear about how you can love again - you had your love. And to explain that there are people out there who will run away from you the second you tell them that your a "Widow". That the greatest thing in life to over come is that the "dead do no wrongs" and when you do get over that - others around you won't. To know that as you travel through the grieving process and your child are on opposing paths. That while you can't keep it together, your child can and when you have moved past all the grief - your child will just begin to experience it.

No one needs to hear those things coming from a strangers mouth. Even if they went through the same thing. And maybe I'm wrong. But I've been right way more times than I've been wrong. SO. There was my choice. To go the easy road and tell this teacher that I didn't feel comfortable talking to this woman and go on about my sutto-not-so-merry way or do what this teacher thought I could bring to the table; to be there for this woman.

While I thought carefully as to what to say to this woman who came to me in the best meanings of her heart, she stopped me and said, "Oh and I almost forgot. Today we are sitting around in class sharing what we all thought Santa was going to bring us for Christmas and Ethan said..... Santa was bring him his daddy."

For the first time in months I re-felt that physical pain in my heart. Like someone shoved a sharp, rather large splinter into it and while I could feel it I couldn't see to hold it and pull it out. My eyes gazed upon Ethan and in my mind all I could think was how in the hell to I explain this one. Yeah I'm great about writing my feelings and emotions down on paper, but what do I say to Ethan. Confusion and numbness started to flood me from my head down. Double heart break.

I left the school and a small piece of paper with my contact information on it for the child's mother. Do I think she will call or email me? No. Like I said, I'm pretty good at reading people and I'm not often wrong and no-one who just lost the love of their life is going to go rushing to set up a luncheon with a member of Club "W" - because to reach out means it's real. And while all logic forces us to believe in this, you never really want to.

In the end, I will be there for this woman if she does call though. I've never turned down helping a friend when they are in need and I sure as hell am not going to turn down this woman if she reaches out - just because I don't know her. It's not in me.