2010 Bucket List

Earlier this month my work had our holiday party at a nice, hip restaurant in downtown Dallas. A few weeks before the party I went looking for something to wear to it. Being that I had lost some more weight, the dresses that resided in my closet were all too big. I walked into one store thinking that I wasn't going to find anything, but I always like the clothes they have in their catalogs so I figured what the heck. After a little stroll around the store this cute little black dress caught the corner of my eye and I had to try it on. 

While thumbing through the sizes trying to figure out what size I am in this store the sales woman asked if I needed help. When I told her I was just looking and trying to find my size she said, "well we are all out of zeros in that one". I think I raised an eye brow at her, there was no way she was serious that she thought I was a zero. But shockingly she was. When I told her I thought I was a size six, she raised an eye brow at me and said there was no way and suggested a four. However, a size six and four were placed in the fitting room at my request.

I was shocked to find that I was a size four - I hadn't been a size four since college. I had to grin to my self while I looked at the sleek refection in the fitting room mirror thinking that in my mind I "thought" I personally looked "awesome" in that dress. Then I pulled out the price tag. My grin quickly turned into a frown. I couldn't see spending that much money on a dress that I was only going to wear once. Normally, I would tell myself that it was worth it because Christopher would always find some place for us to go so I could wear it again. But there is no Christopher to tell me that I could wear it again; ergo, there would be no other chance to wear it again; ergo, a giant waste of money. 

I sat on the bench in the fitting room. My eyes darted at all the clothes I had tried on - none made feel the way this dress made me feel. But the price. My logical side told me over and over, "you'll never wear this again - it's a giant waste of money. You'll never go anywhere this nice again that requires a dress like this. Move on to the next store." I started to tear up while the sales associate was knocking on the door asking if I needed more sizes. I composed my self long enough to tell her thanks and no and started to change back into my clothes.

As I started to slip off this dress, this dress that made me feel beautiful, I thought about the last time I felt pretty. It had been a long time. I couldn't even remember the last time I had looked at my self and thought I was pretty. I had spent the last two and half years taking each day day-to-day. Each moment of my day was planed out even while I was at work. I always called to make sure Christopher was up for his doctor's appointments and work. I always scheduled appointments and gatherings with our friends. I planed date nights. Got sitters. I did everything so that the house and our family kept moving forward in the fight against cancer. And with all of this I slowly watched the refection in my bathroom mirror get more tired and worn down. I spent more time worried about everything around me than I did my self.

It was at that point that I zipped the dress back up and took a picture of the dress with me in it and posted it on my Facebook page asking my friends for their thoughts. One-by-one friends responded with "get it", "you look great", etc. So after some soul searching I did go back and get the dress and I wore it to my holiday party. 

Do I regret getting the dress, yes and no. "Yes", because I really don't have another event or place to wear this dress to and more than likely in a few years this dress will get donated with only one wearing out of it. But at the same time "no" because - for the first time I saw my self as something other than a single, widowed, mom. I saw myself as a woman.

This little black dress now hangs in my closet and every time I walk into it I think about everything I went through and discovered about myself during 2009. I spent my days, day-by-day. I missed the man I loved. I cried. I didn't sleep. I created a schedule to cope with the missing and empty place in my heart. I found peace that surpassed understanding in Christopher's passing. I looked into my self to find the new "d", the one that still has to move along without the man she loved. I hit every milestone with conviction and tenacity. I made it a year and came to the realization that the word widow doesn't define who I am - I do. I am who I am and I will always do things "My Way" as Frank Sinatra puts it.

I will always remember 2009 for everything that I went through, but it's not really a year that I think I will find my self day dreaming about. I learned many things about life, my relationship with God and my self. I've learned that when you think you've hit that threshold, grit your teeth because it can be worse and you just might see it in your own life or of those of your friends.

I sat down today for the first time in my life and wrote down everything that I would like to "make" happen this new upcoming year. Now let me explain why I used the phrase "make happen". One of the things I did learn in 2009 is nothing comes to you. You can't sit at home and think about how you wish someone would come and take you out of your house - you have to get up off your rear and do it your self. Sometimes in life the best bet you can make is on your self. Friends and family are great, but they are also not mind readers. Life is what YOU make it. So I wrote my list of things I would like to make happen. Will they all happen - I don't know. But before the end of 2010 I would like to see little check marks next to all the things on my list. Hence why I call it my 2010 Bucket List. These are all the things that I would like to do, see or accomplish before 2010 kicks the bucket!

What are these things? Well there's allot. Some are privately for my eyes only, others are for Ethan and there are even things for Ethan and I to do together. The beauty of this list is that it is never ending. As I think of things I will add them to my list. And while I hope to do everything on my list - I won't be heart broken if some of the things don't happen - they just weren't meant to happen and I am ok with that.

So I know everyone is sitting there wondering what is on this list that I have jotted down in my little black book. Well here are a few and what they mean to me to have them crossed off my list.

A) Break Ethan of his "paci" habit.

Shortly after Christopher was told he had cancer Ethan became attached to his paci. Then after his passing Ethan and his paci became attached at the lips - literally. So I've put up with people's little comments here and there for a year now about how Ethan needs to lose that thing in his mouth. Well now that we have a year under our belt - Ethan has grown developmentally and I think he's ready. So come January 4th - starts his first day of no paci (this would be a good day to start saying extra prayers for my ears). To do this will help prove to me that I can be a great mom - silly I know. But while most people have their spouses to fall onto for support - I do this on my own. 

B) Go Ice Skating

This one sounds silly, but during our relationship the one thing I always suggested to Christopher was that we go ice skating. However, his schedule never really gave us the chance to. And well,  I'm just not going to spend another year wanting to do something and not doing it.

C) Donate another 12" of hair to Locks of Love

Yes in October I hope to have another 12" of hair so I can donate it again to Locks of Love in Christopher's memory. The one thing Christopher showed me was no matter how sick he was; he always thought of others. So in his honor I will continue to donate my hair until I donate the same amount of hair that Christopher was tall. This years donation will be two feet down - 4 to go. 

D) A day to my self each season

This year I plan on taking one day off of work during each season. While Ethan is in pre-school I will go and do things for myself. Maybe a massage, mani, pedi or even go watch a movie. Something for myself. Something to relax from being a single parent (at-least from the hours of 8:00am-5:30pm) One of the things I learned from my friends that are separated from their spouses is that the weekends that they didn't have their kids they used it as down time for them selves. I don't have that option, so this is the next best thing for me and my situation.

E) I want to feel beautiful 

Ok this one sounds strange, so let me explain. Just like that little black dress made me see my self as pretty for the brief moment I wore it - I want to get to a place where I see that in my self everyday without having to put on a little black dress to prove it to my self. How do I go about it - I don't know. But I have 365 days to work on figuring it out.

There are a few more things on my list and I hope that those of you who follow this blog will find some post here & there where I hope to get excited about crossing  things off my 2010 bucket list.