This morning on the way into work I was listening to a song that sorta hit home. It's about a woman in life that keeps getting pushed down, but always finds the strength to stand back up on her own two feet and face the world again.
This was sorta my peep talk for the day. Ethan and I have been through allot and there are days where I feel 2 decades older than I am, but no matter what, I stand up each morning ready to face what the world has to offer.
During these economic times when people are losing their jobs; I'm thankful that I have one - but also ready to face the world if I lose mine (no, mum and dad I'm not going to lose my job - it's just a metaphor). The government is trying to pass a stupid (don't me started) stimulus bill - I wrote a letter to my rep, "Just Say NO!" The world is not my enemy, just an outlet for me to show people that change starts with one person saying "This will not bring me down, I will fight for everything that I have."
Christopher taught me about strength. And I come from a long line of people that never gave up when the chips were down or life threw them a rotten hand. Instead they faced the world head on. For all those that taught me it's ok to stand up and face your fears and the world head on, I say to the world...
BRING IT ON!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Why It's Called "Living Strong"
As I have stated before my therapist has given me homework. And as apart of my homework I thought I would share with you one of the questions and my answer. While I wrote this, it just confirmed that this blog was named so appropriately for Christopher and our journey.
Talk and/or write about how much you valued the person.
Christopher was my best friend in every sense of the meaning. We shared our hopes, dreams and fears with each other. We met in our teens and from the moment we saw each other we knew there was something about each other that was special (although at the time we didn't know what it was) Christopher showed me that life is not about what car you drive, how much money you make or what people think about you - it's about how you live your life and what you do for those around you when they are in need. Christopher had a rough childhood and even though he didn't feel like a part of his own family, he always found the bright side to everything and every situation.
When his mother pasted away, he was 21, yet roughly a year after his mom's death he told me he understood everything. God took away his mother to show him who his father really was. I admired him for this. Not because the bright side of his mother's passing was he loathed his father - but that he had the strength to say that out loud to others. He was always the first one to share with people his journey with his mother and how it changed him for the better. Christopher was never afraid of anything.
When his father stole his identity and rang up debt under Christopher's name, he took 9 months to clear it up and yet only when his father was complaining about his social security being garnished did Christopher tell him why. And even though his father never apologized or tried to make a mends - Christopher used to say, "He made his bed and one day he will realize that it's lonely, but in the end he's my father." Once he told his father - "I forgive you for what you have done, but I'm just not proud of what you did" I admired him for the forgiveness he held in heart.
Christopher always put family first. When Grams lost her house, he told me, "we're going to be there to help her." When the smell of the house got too much for people, he was the one that fought through it to get it done so we finish up before we lost the light of the sun. Again he amazed me with his strength of the love he had for my grandmother and for my family - to travel almost 9 hours and work in the heat and drive back the next day.
Christopher was such a loving man. I could look into his eyes and see the world in them. The way he looked at me would warm my heart from the inside out. He looked at Ethan in the same light and I knew that that was a look of pure love. Ethan was his everything, it was his way of showing to himself that he could be a good father - better than his own. And even though I knew he would always be a better father, I admired and loved that he was so determined to show that to his son. Christopher loved taking Ethan to daycare and loved picking him up. It was their bonding time and I loved that what most parents would dread doing - Christopher took pleasure in. He loved everything about being a parent, changing diapers, playing at the park, giving Ethan a bath, making dinner; he took joy in everything.
There was this one time, on my way home from work Christopher and I were talking on the phone and Ethan was around 6 months old. I told him - "I'm pulling in the alley, see you soon." A few minutes later I walked into the house, where Christopher had informed me that Ethan crawled for the first time. And as a working mother, I cried over the fact that b/c I worked I missed out on something I so wanted to cherish. So after dinner Christopher sat me on our sofa, told me to lean a certain way and put my hands a certain way. Then he took Ethan and placed in center of the room. Ethan went from a sitting position to on his knees and crawled. I cried over the joy it brought me. It was at that point that Christopher gave me a hug and told me I just witnessed exactly how he had witnessed it. It was so thoughtful and sweet that he wanted me to see it in the same light he did.
Christopher made me feel special. He knew when I was sad just by the way I said hello on the phone and made it his mission to make me smile or laugh before I got off. He knew that I enjoyed the little things in life and when I would have a rough day at work, he would make me a grill cheese sandwich and ask me about it. And when I miss him I still make a grill cheese sandwich and think of him. He cared so much about life and he showed it in everything that he did.
When Christopher was told he had cancer - I fell apart, but he was the one that picked me up off the ground and told me everything would be ok. That he would fight this all the way and never give up. Again Christopher showed me how great of a man he was. For someone being told he had something that has no cure - he was positive about the outcome from the beginning. He always gave me a strong face, when I knew he had a rough day. His strength and love for fighting this cancer was why I named the blog "Living Strong". Because Christopher through his actions in life taught me that it's not what you go through it's how you weather yourself through them.
It's so hard to explain how you love someone three ways from Sunday. Christopher was so very special to me and always made me feel that we were a part of a very special love. I feel as though we had something most people only dream of, and together we could do anything we set our minds too. He was my hero, my friend, my husband, the father to our son and most off the love of my life.
Talk and/or write about how much you valued the person.
Christopher was my best friend in every sense of the meaning. We shared our hopes, dreams and fears with each other. We met in our teens and from the moment we saw each other we knew there was something about each other that was special (although at the time we didn't know what it was) Christopher showed me that life is not about what car you drive, how much money you make or what people think about you - it's about how you live your life and what you do for those around you when they are in need. Christopher had a rough childhood and even though he didn't feel like a part of his own family, he always found the bright side to everything and every situation.
When his mother pasted away, he was 21, yet roughly a year after his mom's death he told me he understood everything. God took away his mother to show him who his father really was. I admired him for this. Not because the bright side of his mother's passing was he loathed his father - but that he had the strength to say that out loud to others. He was always the first one to share with people his journey with his mother and how it changed him for the better. Christopher was never afraid of anything.
When his father stole his identity and rang up debt under Christopher's name, he took 9 months to clear it up and yet only when his father was complaining about his social security being garnished did Christopher tell him why. And even though his father never apologized or tried to make a mends - Christopher used to say, "He made his bed and one day he will realize that it's lonely, but in the end he's my father." Once he told his father - "I forgive you for what you have done, but I'm just not proud of what you did" I admired him for the forgiveness he held in heart.
Christopher always put family first. When Grams lost her house, he told me, "we're going to be there to help her." When the smell of the house got too much for people, he was the one that fought through it to get it done so we finish up before we lost the light of the sun. Again he amazed me with his strength of the love he had for my grandmother and for my family - to travel almost 9 hours and work in the heat and drive back the next day.
Christopher was such a loving man. I could look into his eyes and see the world in them. The way he looked at me would warm my heart from the inside out. He looked at Ethan in the same light and I knew that that was a look of pure love. Ethan was his everything, it was his way of showing to himself that he could be a good father - better than his own. And even though I knew he would always be a better father, I admired and loved that he was so determined to show that to his son. Christopher loved taking Ethan to daycare and loved picking him up. It was their bonding time and I loved that what most parents would dread doing - Christopher took pleasure in. He loved everything about being a parent, changing diapers, playing at the park, giving Ethan a bath, making dinner; he took joy in everything.
There was this one time, on my way home from work Christopher and I were talking on the phone and Ethan was around 6 months old. I told him - "I'm pulling in the alley, see you soon." A few minutes later I walked into the house, where Christopher had informed me that Ethan crawled for the first time. And as a working mother, I cried over the fact that b/c I worked I missed out on something I so wanted to cherish. So after dinner Christopher sat me on our sofa, told me to lean a certain way and put my hands a certain way. Then he took Ethan and placed in center of the room. Ethan went from a sitting position to on his knees and crawled. I cried over the joy it brought me. It was at that point that Christopher gave me a hug and told me I just witnessed exactly how he had witnessed it. It was so thoughtful and sweet that he wanted me to see it in the same light he did.
Christopher made me feel special. He knew when I was sad just by the way I said hello on the phone and made it his mission to make me smile or laugh before I got off. He knew that I enjoyed the little things in life and when I would have a rough day at work, he would make me a grill cheese sandwich and ask me about it. And when I miss him I still make a grill cheese sandwich and think of him. He cared so much about life and he showed it in everything that he did.
When Christopher was told he had cancer - I fell apart, but he was the one that picked me up off the ground and told me everything would be ok. That he would fight this all the way and never give up. Again Christopher showed me how great of a man he was. For someone being told he had something that has no cure - he was positive about the outcome from the beginning. He always gave me a strong face, when I knew he had a rough day. His strength and love for fighting this cancer was why I named the blog "Living Strong". Because Christopher through his actions in life taught me that it's not what you go through it's how you weather yourself through them.
It's so hard to explain how you love someone three ways from Sunday. Christopher was so very special to me and always made me feel that we were a part of a very special love. I feel as though we had something most people only dream of, and together we could do anything we set our minds too. He was my hero, my friend, my husband, the father to our son and most off the love of my life.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Grief vs Mourning
I have gone back and forth as to if should I even post what you are about to read. There have been several times that I write a post and just don't ever post it. It sits in blogger land waiting for the day I click that "publish" button. Often times I will re-read them and think to my self, "this is private, these are my internal thoughts for me only", or "this is between me and God". But after a much internal struggle I thought I would share this one.
As most of you know, once a week I see a personal therapist to help me through everything that has happened not just in the last 3 to 4 months but the last 18. In my last session I told my therapist that I have come to a conclusion that Christopher's cancer and his death was not in vein. I believe 100% in my whole heart that this had to happen to mold Ethan in some way, this is a path that God choose for all three of us. This might point Ethan to his carrier, his views on cancer and helping those with cancer or may be even save his life at some point in time. (a big step to put your faith into and 4 months in the making)
It was at that point that my therapist said he had a worksheet for me to do. It's a list of six questions that I have to answer. Two, every week for the next three weeks. It will be at that point that he thinks I will be out of grief and in mourning.
Now you might be asking "there's a difference"? Yes there is. You have to go through grief before you can mourn. Grief is an internal response to loss. It is what you feel and think about the loss or death on the inside. It is the internal meaning you assign to the loss. Grief is not an event, it is a process that unfolds over time, and you will experience healing of grief over time as well. So often you won't feel "normal" and need the reminder that what we are experiencing is appropriate and expected. It is a time of confusion and emotional disorientation.
Frequently people use the word grief and mourning interchangeably; however, you can't go through grief and mourning at the same time. While grief is an internal response to loss, mourning is the public or external response to, or expression of loss. We mourn publicly at visitations, memorial services and graveside visits. We mourn as we cry, as we celebrate anniversary dates, special remembrance times. Mourning is taking the internal grief we have and expressing it externally.
I left therapy, got into the car and cried. The idea that I was moving on scared me. I was so mad at my therapist for telling me that I was out of grief and made me feel as if it meant that I was "getting over Christopher". I went home that evening and thought so long and so hard about it that I didn't even really sleep. Why did I have such odd reaction to what he said? What made me so mad? Where were these feelings coming from?
Then it came to me. When Christopher's Mom passed away (13 years ago from the same type of cancer) his Dad came to him around the three month mark of his mom's death and told him that he was going to Florida to move in with another woman, he was "moving on". I remember all the angst and dissatisfaction that Christopher felt for his father during that time and how even as he was dying; he loathed his father. It made me feel that if I was transitioning from grief to mourning around the three month marker it validated what his dad did 13 years ago. I felt if Christopher was here I would have disappointed him for not grieving longer.
Then I came across the definition of grief and mourning and while I still miss Christopher, cry for him and talk to him at night like he was here - I mourn for him. I realized, if a man came up to me and asked me to dinner or out for drinks I would tell them "No". In my mind I am still married to the love of my life - I still wear my wedding rings with pride and honor. Even after being together for 16 year (almost 8 year of that marriage) I love him just like we had first met. I will always love him even if I one day I choose to share my life with someone. While the days get a little easier each day; I have great friends and family who help me when I need them the most. And most of all I have my memories of something so very special with a man that was and is so very special to my heart.
As most of you know, once a week I see a personal therapist to help me through everything that has happened not just in the last 3 to 4 months but the last 18. In my last session I told my therapist that I have come to a conclusion that Christopher's cancer and his death was not in vein. I believe 100% in my whole heart that this had to happen to mold Ethan in some way, this is a path that God choose for all three of us. This might point Ethan to his carrier, his views on cancer and helping those with cancer or may be even save his life at some point in time. (a big step to put your faith into and 4 months in the making)
It was at that point that my therapist said he had a worksheet for me to do. It's a list of six questions that I have to answer. Two, every week for the next three weeks. It will be at that point that he thinks I will be out of grief and in mourning.
Now you might be asking "there's a difference"? Yes there is. You have to go through grief before you can mourn. Grief is an internal response to loss. It is what you feel and think about the loss or death on the inside. It is the internal meaning you assign to the loss. Grief is not an event, it is a process that unfolds over time, and you will experience healing of grief over time as well. So often you won't feel "normal" and need the reminder that what we are experiencing is appropriate and expected. It is a time of confusion and emotional disorientation.
Frequently people use the word grief and mourning interchangeably; however, you can't go through grief and mourning at the same time. While grief is an internal response to loss, mourning is the public or external response to, or expression of loss. We mourn publicly at visitations, memorial services and graveside visits. We mourn as we cry, as we celebrate anniversary dates, special remembrance times. Mourning is taking the internal grief we have and expressing it externally.
I left therapy, got into the car and cried. The idea that I was moving on scared me. I was so mad at my therapist for telling me that I was out of grief and made me feel as if it meant that I was "getting over Christopher". I went home that evening and thought so long and so hard about it that I didn't even really sleep. Why did I have such odd reaction to what he said? What made me so mad? Where were these feelings coming from?
Then it came to me. When Christopher's Mom passed away (13 years ago from the same type of cancer) his Dad came to him around the three month mark of his mom's death and told him that he was going to Florida to move in with another woman, he was "moving on". I remember all the angst and dissatisfaction that Christopher felt for his father during that time and how even as he was dying; he loathed his father. It made me feel that if I was transitioning from grief to mourning around the three month marker it validated what his dad did 13 years ago. I felt if Christopher was here I would have disappointed him for not grieving longer.
Then I came across the definition of grief and mourning and while I still miss Christopher, cry for him and talk to him at night like he was here - I mourn for him. I realized, if a man came up to me and asked me to dinner or out for drinks I would tell them "No". In my mind I am still married to the love of my life - I still wear my wedding rings with pride and honor. Even after being together for 16 year (almost 8 year of that marriage) I love him just like we had first met. I will always love him even if I one day I choose to share my life with someone. While the days get a little easier each day; I have great friends and family who help me when I need them the most. And most of all I have my memories of something so very special with a man that was and is so very special to my heart.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Can I Get A Diaper Change Over Here?
So, I have to share with everyone what I recently witness Ethan doing. It was a sight I must tell you. Let me set the stage.
My parents had just left to go back to Houston and Ethan was watching his Veggie Tales in the living room while I was cleaning the kitchen. While unloading the dishwasher I noticed that Ethan opened the door to the coffee table and pulled out a diaper, his wipes and baby powder.
So I raised one eye brow and asked Ethan, "Boogie, do you need your diaper changed?"
I resounding "No" came back to me from the living room. So I watched in mere curiosity and bewilderment as to what he was going to do with these items that really only have one purpose in life. The next thing I know, he starts to take off his pants. Again I ask him if he needs his diaper changed and again a resounding "No".
So while I was standing in the kitchen watching from afar and trying to figure out what he is trying to do and trying to anticipate how I will "come to the rescue at what ever he does" - HE TAKES HIS DIAPER OFF.
*PLOP* was the sounds of a poopy diaper hitting the floor. My heart stopped for a moment, till I noticed that the diaper landed right side up. Thank goodness.
Then what to my wonder eyes to do I see, but Ethan taking out his wipes and wiping his bottom (the front and the back) and all the while never noticing that I am watching this whole thing unfold.
Once he felt like he was adequately clean down there, he unfolded the clean diaper and attempted to put it on. To make a long story short; after 15 minutes of fighting and grunting he did get his diaper on by himself (not well I will add, but it was on his bottom). He then brought me his pants (now noticing that I was standing there watching the whole thing) and asked me to put them on him. (I used that time to fix the diaper as well).
He was so proud of him self. He's done this several time since then too and I'm thinking it's time for pull-ups!
It's times like these that I wish Christopher was here to see all that Ethan can do or does that makes me smile. Christopher was always the bolstering father, always showing Ethan off to anyone that would stop and listen. This would have been a story that he would tell those people. So in honor of him - I share this story as his bolstering Mom.
My parents had just left to go back to Houston and Ethan was watching his Veggie Tales in the living room while I was cleaning the kitchen. While unloading the dishwasher I noticed that Ethan opened the door to the coffee table and pulled out a diaper, his wipes and baby powder.
So I raised one eye brow and asked Ethan, "Boogie, do you need your diaper changed?"
I resounding "No" came back to me from the living room. So I watched in mere curiosity and bewilderment as to what he was going to do with these items that really only have one purpose in life. The next thing I know, he starts to take off his pants. Again I ask him if he needs his diaper changed and again a resounding "No".
So while I was standing in the kitchen watching from afar and trying to figure out what he is trying to do and trying to anticipate how I will "come to the rescue at what ever he does" - HE TAKES HIS DIAPER OFF.
*PLOP* was the sounds of a poopy diaper hitting the floor. My heart stopped for a moment, till I noticed that the diaper landed right side up. Thank goodness.
Then what to my wonder eyes to do I see, but Ethan taking out his wipes and wiping his bottom (the front and the back) and all the while never noticing that I am watching this whole thing unfold.
Once he felt like he was adequately clean down there, he unfolded the clean diaper and attempted to put it on. To make a long story short; after 15 minutes of fighting and grunting he did get his diaper on by himself (not well I will add, but it was on his bottom). He then brought me his pants (now noticing that I was standing there watching the whole thing) and asked me to put them on him. (I used that time to fix the diaper as well).
He was so proud of him self. He's done this several time since then too and I'm thinking it's time for pull-ups!
It's times like these that I wish Christopher was here to see all that Ethan can do or does that makes me smile. Christopher was always the bolstering father, always showing Ethan off to anyone that would stop and listen. This would have been a story that he would tell those people. So in honor of him - I share this story as his bolstering Mom.
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