Two Things Off My List

At the end of this month, on Sunday, two events will happen that I can cross off my bucket list. Two very major milestones that to be honest; I wasn't sure were even going to happen. Come Sunday I will be able to say that Ethan is paci free (the paci saga will come in another posting) and completely potty trained. Looking back I really didn't think this day was going to come. It was only a few short months ago while standing outside hosing out poop from a pair of Ethan's underwire that I broke down and cried. All I could think about was what was I doing wrong. I was doing everything by the book, I had taken friends suggestions on what they did for their kids, I followed everything the school had suggested and in the order they suggested it - and yet nothing - Ethan wasn't getting it and I was on the verge of pulling out my hair (and in some cases I think I did, but I can't remember for sure now or not).

The one thing that raced through my head was something I read that said "if your having problems with potty training on a boy, the mom should step down and the dad should take over". The view in the article was that kids pick up quicker with their own gender type when it comes to potty training. My first thought after reading this page long ideology was great - what am I suppose to do - call up my neighbor's husband and say, "Um hey, can you have your hubby come down here so Ethan can see how he goes to the bathroom? (insert crickets chirping) It's for potty training (more crickets). I swear. Honest. (whole swarm of crickets being orchestrated by John Williams)" I know I joke with my neighbors that we are in a way that show "Desperate Housewives" (hell, we live on a street named "Pleasant Valley Lane" - you can't get any more "Wisteria Lane" than that) and while this does sound like something Lynette would do on the show.... That was a boundary that I wouldn't cross even with one eyebrow raised and shot of Gin by my side.

That day I gave up. Ethan went back to wearing pull ups and I resigned my self to the fact that no groom ever walked down the isle in a diaper and if he did - he's his wife's problem at that point. Sad thing to think - even not that motherly. I remember telling people my new look on the potty situation and I got one of two reactions; complete, out right hysterical laughter (or a chuckle) or a raised eyebrow (you know the one, where people don't know what to say because they border line want to tell you their personal thoughts on the matter because in some way you just became out of the running for "Mother of the Year" for them). But the truth be known, this is what I had to tell my self daily otherwise I think I might have drowned in my own feelings of not doing the best job I could with Ethan. And for me - that's was heartbreaking. Single parenthood - FAIL.

However shortly after Christmas; one night while it was right before bed time, Ethan was coloring and having a good old time. I was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner and all of a sudden I saw Ethan drop his crayon and before I had a chance to ask him what was wrong - he bolted for the bath room yelling at the top of his lungs, "Mommmmmmmy, I havvvvvvvve to go pooooooty!" I ran in there thinking "What the heck?" Ethan has never told me has has to potty, let alone tell me with such vigor and actually mean it! So I ran right behind him and I helped him sit on the potty right before "PLOP!!"

He did it! My little muppet not only went on the potty, but he told me about it. And he knew that he had done something amazing. He was all smiles and looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, "I do a good job mommy?!?" I fought back my tears of joy and told him, "Yes Muppet! You did a very good job. Mommy is so proud of you!" And in only Ethan fashion did he say something that reminded me of Christopher, "Oh, that is good. I did good job. Yeah...(insert evil little grin)."

From that point on, he did get it. He told me when he had to go and there have not been any accidents at school or at home for almost a month now (knock on wood). Tonight I'm going to try and be brave and try something even newer - tonight Ethan doesn't sleep with a pull up.... *sign* *gasp* *grin*. Since it's been a month I think Ethan is ready to try and be completely diaper free. He's only worn a diaper at night, but like I said so far one month of being dry in the mornings - so I say - "Lets do this thing!"

WIll I ever figure out what the magic switch was in his head to make him understand what his little body was trying to tell him as far as when to go potty? No. Do I think it was me giving up and letting Ethan do it on his own? I don't know, maybe. Do I feel like I've won over the stigma in my head that I had about being a single parent? For now, but I know there will be new challenges I face raising a child on my own. Yes, I have friends and family who are always there to help me when I need it - but there are some things in life that your friends and family can't help you with and it's those things that we have to choose to either consume us and bring us down or force us to deal with the fear that goes with it and over come it. This is one that I can say I over came and I did it on my own (well Ethan did all the work really ;) ).

When Christopher passed away there was a song I used to put on repeat and listen to over and over; it was Oleander's "I walk alone". I think I even stated on Facebook that this song was my little song between me and God. That I felt as if he had put Ethan and I in a situation that I didn't know how to handle and even more so didn't listen to my prayers that I sat on bended knees praying through a river of tears for. My feelings were that (in a nut shell) he let bad things happen to good people and I wasn't going to heal from this until I walked alone for a little while and not only found peace in my heart for what happened to Christopher but could heal from the pain I felt God himself put me through.

I never denounced God from my life, I just had a very jaded view of what his plan was for the three of us and honestly didn't want any plans that might come from anything he put his little finger on. It was my way of saying, "I respect your wishes and demands, but I don't have to like them or you at the moment or ever." It was a hard pill to swallow. But even more so to live through. And there were times when I would think, "Ok, he gave me my space - maybe I'm ready to bring him back into my heart." Then something would happen (like my dog passing away). Let's just say I had allot of mental conversations where God and I had our own little throw down - times when I would tell him if he did something like this to me again I was done with him. God, in a way, became sorta like a jilted lover and this was just another one of our little spats.

Maybe it was time that healed my heart. Maybe it was God laying off for a little while and not bringing more into my life that I couldn't handle to help me move past all this. Maybe it was all part of his plan from the get go. I had to loath him to understand him and love him; I needed that test of faith to make it even stronger than I thought it was. I don't really know the answer.

What I do know is that for the first time in over a year I feel good. I know that Christopher is in a place where there is love, light and most of all no pain. It's taken me over a year to get to this place. A place where I feel good about what might be out there and not afraid of what falls beyond my front door. As one of Ethan's Veggie Tales puts it - I'm happy because I'm happy on the inside, not because I try and find happiness around me.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not all a bed of roses. I've done some rather hard work to get here. I've had to cast people out that I thought were toxic and struggle to keep those I cared about because of my own roughness around the edges through all this started to scare them away. But the dust is clearing and I can see the dawn. I can look back and say I did allot of growing and this has made me a stronger person - I've seen my weakness, my strengths, my flaws, my hopes, the "d" I didn't like and the "d" I know I am.

And for some reason I have this feeling that 2010 is going to be a good year. Now do I really know what that means? No. I'm not sitting here thinking that I'm going to win the Lotto or that Ethan becomes some artistic genius and I'm able to sell his pirate drawings for millions, but I can feel the hope and light that 2010 holds for me. Maybe it's a new decade that brings about this new air of confidence in me. Maybe it's all the physco-babble my therapist feed to me for over a year that I'm starting to believe. Or maybe it's me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm done living day-to-day, minute-by-minute. I want to look forward to things and for the past two and half years I couldn't.

So this year I have picked a song that sums yet another conversation with God and most of all Christopher. It sums up all my hopes and yet all my fears at the same time. It's Chris Daugherty's "What About Now". I believe in the song he's singing to someone he cares about and loves and maybe their relationship is a little dicey? I'm not sure, but it's like he's asking for a second chance and that's where the under lying theme for me comes from. No I'm not asking for a second chance. But what I am asking is "what about now and what about today, what if this was making everything I was meant to be; now that I'm here and come this far there is nothing to fear. So before it's too late (and time passes me by) what about now?"

Enjoy the song.