A Therapeutic Run

(This was on the back of the shirt I wore)

Friday night I couldn't sleep. I was for the most part anxious and scared. I was about to run 3-point-something miles the next morning and I was doing it for the grace and wonderment that I have for two beautiful people - Christopher and Ethan. I sat in bed at midnight thinking, "fall asleep, falllll aaaa sleeeeep," but I couldn't because my mind kept questioning if I was even ready for this, can I even do this? Yes, I've trained for a year, but on a treadmill, not the street - how different is it going to be? The treadmill kept my pace for me; I didn't have to regulate it on my own. Then some where in my own mental banter to myself I drifted unknowingly off to sleep.

I awoke at 6am to get ready and while I was making coffee I realized - it was raining. Damn it! I quickly grabbed my phone and checked twitter to see if the race was still on and it was - rain or shine. Again I began again my mental banter of if I could do this - was I going to crap out and end up stopping or walking some of it? I didn't want to, that was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to RUN this thing and do well at it. It was in those moments that everything began to fall together for what this run really meant for me. Yes the run was for memory of Christopher and for the future that still waits for Ethan, but for me it was (and ended up being) the most awe inspiring thing I think I have done in the last three and half years. And I needed it so much.

My neighbor Lauren ran it with me and to be honest I couldn't have asked for a better person to run with. She was there when I got the phone call and like so many of my other friends, family and neighbors she was there every step of the way through the last month of Christopher's life. She even came over and sat with me while I drank away my sorrows on the one month anniversary of Christopher's passing. She's one of those friends that lets you completely word vomit all over yourself and doesn't look at you any different. She just listens, smiles and lets you know that no matter how crazy life becomes or you think it's become, she's right there through the craziness with you. I could go on-and-on about this amazing woman, but lets just leave it at I was truly blessed to have her run this with me.

As we got to the race location the rain was letting up just a little and I started to think that this was going to turn out to be a very pretty day. First on my agenda was to find Jenny and tell her how incredible the turnout was; so we headed up to where the opening ceremonies were to be held. We got there just as it began to sprinkle again and it soon dawned on me that this rain just might not let up. As I stood in the rain getting completely wet my mind and memories were brought to the day Christopher and I said "I do". That day was so very similar to this one. Rain in the morning and just when we though it would let up in time for the wedding - it didn't. I remember the feeling of "great, I planned this oh-so-perfect-day and it freaking rains." Then at some point someone from somewhere said, "It's raining, like tears from heaven".

In those moments where I found myself lost in my memories I drifted back to Christopher's mom and the battle she lost with cancer. My grandfather who passed away just two months before our wedding. Christopher who almost two years ago left this mortal plain and my grandmother who passed just ten days after him. It was all so overwhelming to think that this rain, these tears that fall from heaven, made me feel as though they were all by my side. I did what I could to choke back my feelings.

Jenny took the stage and one of the first things she said was, "Kids are having Chemo today, this, it's just rain..." And as if gears in my head started to fall into place to yet another meaning for this race. I DON'T know what it is like to go through chemotherapy; I've always lived on the other side of cancer. The care giver/supporting side of cancer. And as much as I have gone through, Christopher had the worst part. To wake up every morning with a war waging in your body and all you can do is try and mentally fight it. To live in a body that when you want to go outside and play with your child; yet five minutes is all you can do because all your energy is drained. To know that you are going to die and leave behind the ones you love to keep going, to keep on living, even though as hard as you tried you can't be there for them. Or to be the son that never really knows his dad other than photos and stories - to never witness first hand how great your dad really was. With all of this - I don't know what it feels like and I'm sure it's worse than just what I have gone through.

We lined up and geared up for the race. Every second that went by I became unsure of what I was about to do. The horn went off and we started. Lauren was quick to give me pointers, "break from the pack, run to the side, try to get ahead of the walkers and jogging strollers". Then when we did break from the pack, "find your pace, you're doing great." And I felt good, I wasn't tired, the blood was pumping, the iPod was rocking out to "Back in the Saddle" and low and behold the rain had stopped. Before I new it the next song on my iPod played - "Stronger" and I thought to my self can this get any better! Then my iPod froze. It just stopped playing. Two songs in and not even a mile later, I had no music to zone out to, no mental motivation, "oh crap" was the first thought in my head. I had over two miles to go and no music to listen to.

But you know it was good that I didn't have my music. It was in that time that I talked to God, Christopher, and even my self. I told myself over and over; "God is at back, Christopher is by my side and Ethan is in my heart." I told Christopher how proud I was of him for going through chemo and always doing it with a smile. For walking up and down our stairs to check on Ethan when he didn't have to and when I knew he was completely drained. I expressed my feelings and love for him in a way that only I can with my words to him. My conversation with God was one that had less sarcasm than it's had before, I expressed my feelings of feeling dismantled and yet repaired by him. I thanked him for giving me strength when I thought I had none and grace when I thought I was foundering. All great talks and ones that I will carry in my heart for a very long time.

Before I knew it Lauren had finished and had doubled back to see where I was and I be honest I think I only had a half or quarter mile left to go at this point. She forced me to step it up and keep moving - she was such a great motivator. As soon as I realized that I was so close to the end I stared to get choked up. My feelings were bursting out at the seems and I thought for a moment that I wasn't going to be able to finish because I wasn't sure if I could run and cry at the same time.

Then out of the blue Lauren yelled something and the crowed started cheering and got 100 times louder than before. I took all those feelings that wanted to bust out and I let them out in a sprint to the finish line. I ran 3-point-something miles in 40 mins. That was 5 minutes off of what I had trained for. And to see my friends there cheering me on meant the world to me. And I could feel Christopher there, standing next to me and as if he whispered in my ear "that's my girl."

This day couldn't have been more perfect in so many ways. I'm so blessed to have those people and others in my life. I can't wait to run this again next year!

(from left to right: Lauren, Me and my friend "D")

The Run

One of the things I learned from Christopher was to never give up in anything; hell be damned. About a year ago I made the choice to run a 5k in Christopher's memory. The idea of doing something that takes time and training and putting in effort to finish something so amazing is something I had to do for myself; however the flu that year had other thoughts.

So I made the choice to keep training and keep running. One to stay and get in better shape because after dropping around 40 lbs after Christopher's passing I started to feel good about myself and my own health. So I trained with a trainer twice a week and let me tell you he put me through my paces.

Then one day while celebrating a friends new start to her life I met a woman. An amazing woman. Someone who I sat in awe of. She had lost her child to cancer at a very young age. Now I didn't know this woman other than a comment she left on my blog one day and that she was a good friend of my friend, but yet as I talked to her I felt a connection.

I can't remember everything we talked about; but what I do remember is thinking that no matter what I accomplish in this lifetime will never compare to what this woman had done. She took grief and tragic moment in her life and turned it into something wonderful and so very close to my heart. This wonderful woman made it to my list of people that I admire and look at with such open eyes at the awe she puts me in.

Her name is Jenny and she the co-founder of Heroes for Children. Her daughter Allie passed away September 13, 2004 from Acute Myeloid Leukemia at the tender age of 8 months 27 days. Allie and her family went through three rounds of chemotherapy, 80 blood transfusions, and a stem cell transplant and after after all of this her mother took her grief and channeled it into something so beautiful. Heroes for Children was created to help families dealing and coping with childhood cancers. Now while Christopher didn't pass away from a childhood cancer, cancer runs in our family. Ethan has lost his grandmother (Christopher's Mom) and his dad from cancer; which raises Ethan's odds, for me, in the "not so comfortable zones".

I left that evening in a sense of awe of this wonderful woman. I started following her on twitter only to find my self more in awe of what she does and how she manages to reach out to families and while she still carries around a part of grief; it is those volumes of emotions that keeps her moving forward. Which, to be honest is all we, as those who have lost ones we love, can do - move forward.

Every year they have a 5k run and after meeting Jenny and hearing about little Allie; I went home kissed my muppet (Ethan) and told myself I knew what run I wanted to honor Christopher with. This one.

So in less than a week I will dawn my running shoes, strap on my iPod filled with songs that I found on Christopher's little computer and take my place with other runners as we run to support those families dealing with childhood cancers. But my run for me will be very therapeutic as I will be for three people. I will run first and for most for the memory of Christopher and his fight to never give up no matter what it takes. How he keep moving forward even I am sure their times he wanted to stop - but he never did. Second, I run for my muppet. I run to show him that there are times in our lives that we must push ourselves only if it means to better ourselves. And lastly I run for this sweet little Allie who without her fight (and others) might this organization never have been formed.

I ask those of you who read this blog to check out the Heroes for Children website and if you can make a donation to this wonderful cause on my fundraising page.