Allot of you have asked, suggested and some have even stated that I should write a book. Now let me say first off, I'm not a writer by any means. I'm the worlds worst speller and grammar and syntax are all but beaten within an inch of it's life in my hands. But what I do have is an amazing story about life, love, loss and trying to maintain and raise a child while I try and figure how to sort it all out. A story that most people sit in their homes and thank to God, the Universe or whatever they believe in that this is not their life; then there are those few. The ones that are going through it; some with an amazing support system and other just barely hanging on not really sure what to do or how to process their own emotional roller coaster begging to get off this ride life has put them on.
This book is and has always been for Ethan. It was never really meant to share with anyone else other than his eyes and mind. To help him understand that any feelings that he can't explain to me from the loss of his father are not ones that he feels alone, but that at some point were shared by me and how I handled it all. And as I wrote and poured my heart out our that little laptop that was once Christopher's I knew this story isn't just meant for the heart of the three it hold inside of it; but for anyone going through something as incredible as the loss of a loved one or relationship.
Christopher was an amazing man in that his story still to this day is shared. I watch as I explain to people what we went through and what I did to make the life for Ethan and I little better; how just a little fore thought goes a rather long way, their eyes glaze over and tears are sometimes shed. It's one that is a part of my life and has molded me into the person I am today. One that while I wish I never went through; I understand what this loss has brought to me as a person, a mother and a friend to those whom I reach out to going through their own ups and downs.
Below is the introduction of the book which I have titled "Milestones". It's written in a calendar type form that starts on October 12th with the passing of Christopher. It catalogs the feelings and emotions that I went through and the thoughts that ran rampant in my head that day. With 12 chapters and subsections going over the milestones of our lives, remembering his birthday, our wedding day, the day we met, the first time I had to lose someone I loved and Christopher wasn't there for me with open arms to help me through the sorrow. What it meant to us while also sorting out what it now means to me and Ethan. It's still a work in progress, but it's almost done and I will be putting up a section or so from time to time to share with you all. I hope you all enjoy it and here is the introduction to the book that has taken me over 6 months to write, but I think it's ready to show the world.....
Introduction
This is story about the strength that resides like a fire in ones gut and weakness that smothers and flickers at that flame. It is about love, fear, loathing and dare it even be said deep seeded hatred. This is journey to a place that some people never experience and while most of us will; this experience comes to those only when we are old, grey and for the most part collecting social security (if it’s even around then), playing bingo with our friends and knowing that our lives were filled 80% (or more) of the time with an immense sense of joy.
It’s a journey of life after the loss of someone that love held (and holds) so dear to our hearts that their physical loss on this mortal plane is like a twisting knife to our already battered and bruised hearts. However, while we travel down this path we are forced to remember those moments in our lives when that person was there to share them and bring our lives an overwhelming sense of joy and jubilation. And while we dance in those brief snippets of our memories we also remember how bittersweet it all seems now that our lives have been turned upside down.
I’m a widow. Yes I said it. (No shocker there right, this is a book about grief, morning and how I struggled through the idea of moving forward with a life that seems to stand still.) I became a widow at the age of 31 due to a disease that there is still yet no cure. All we can hope for is to fight this monstrous illness so that tumors can be found in time to give you a fighting chance against the cancer that rages in your body.
I lost my husband, Christopher, at the age of 33 to Stage IV Colon cancer with metastasis that covered 50% of his liver. We discovered this when he was 32 and just days before our son, Ethan (aka “Muppet”), turned 11 months old and our six year wedding anniversary. After a non-stop chemotherapy treatment that lasted 16 months, his liver gave out and Christopher lost his battle with cancer on October 12, 2008.
Shortly after his passing I did everything I thought I was suppose to do with this new found title of “widow”. I started going to a therapist and support group; to which I soon discovered that there were steps that I was going to have to take. Milestones, if you will, to make it through this rough and arduous path of grief, morning and finding how life moves forward without the one you love. These are my milestones laid out in a year. Each milestone took me on path of remembering the joy of what I had with this wonderful man I called “My Love” and why going through that day was so hard just because of what that day held for me in my heart. There are days of intermingled joy in what I accomplished and yet the sorrow of what each day now meant to me and what it used to mean for us. A journey of how we became two, from two to three and from three; then there was two.
This is my journey.
