My Little Dragonfly

Recently my mind has been consumed with a great number of things that there are days where I don't know if I'm chasing white rabbits down a hole or the other way around. My work keeps me busy as it is, but add in the life of single mother hood, stir and sometimes I feel over baked. But then again I always tell my self that I can sleep when Ethan goes off the college and well that's only what 13 years away; I can stay up that long without sleep. Just kidding. Well… maybe not… (insert sarcastic and tired *sigh* here.)

A few weeks ago I did something that for a mom is life changing; but for me, it was ever so bitter sweet. After dropping Ethan off at pre-school I drove to a building, parked in the first spot I found (which happened to be in the very back of the parking lot). Grabbed some paper work, phone, purse and started to make my way towards this building that would bring back so many memories.

As I walked across the parking lot and the sidewalk I began to listen to the droning sound of my heels click against the concert, the rhythmic pattern of it in step with my heart beat, and how both became a little quicker with each step. Those steps drifted me off through a series of memories that have been floating in my head since that fateful Tuesday when I walked into that building and asked the woman behind the desk where did I go to sign up a child for Kindergarten.

As she put me into a room and I waited for someone to help me I sat at a table made for children. I took in every little teaching aide that ordained the walls. The bright colors and over sized letters where almost visually over stimulating for this designer. And as I took in these colors and letters I could hear Christopher's voice in my head.

"Hey wouldn't it be cool if we walked him to school every morning together?," he would tell me every time we walked to the park next to the school. It was his dream to walk his son to school and yet here I sat in this empty room waiting on someone to get my paperwork and those short little walks that will start in August will be minus one parent. While trying to take my mind off these flashback snippets that ran through my head, I reviewed th

e paper worked that I had already filled out to make sure I didn't miss anything.

And there under the question "how does your child act socially," read "Ethan's Dad passed away in 2008 and Ethan sometimes shares at will that his Dad is in heaven and completely aware of what this means and what it means for him verse other children. However, some children/adults might find it shocking when he brings it up (being that it is random when he does bring it up)."

This was the only place where Christopher was mentioned. There was no place for "Father's Name" - just a spot for "Legal Guardian". It was then that I was coming to a pass in our lives, when time has us in the space where it isn't headline news that his dad is gone and yet not enough time for the sting of handling an all new milestones to

go left unnoticed. Then before I could process these feelings a woman walked in and took my paperwork, gave me a stack of paper work and asked that I sign up Ethan for a mini-tour of the school.

As I glanced at the days there it was an April 18th tour. Christopher's birthday and the 6 month mark of when he was laid to rest. I didn't even look at other days or times. I knew that was going to be the day I took Ethan on his tour. It was a way for Christopher to be there in a way that only he knew how. Again, so how he always manages to get his way when I lest expect it. May be it's the artist in me looking for meaning in everything that happens, maybe it's God, the universe, or whatever it is you believe in putting their hand into something so simple and yet complex to expound on a set of emotions that I have struggled and dreaded.

I left there and sat in my SUV for a few minutes taking in what I just did, what it meant for Ethan and how we have both been presented with a new set of milestones that while are bittersweet to me, Ethan will never really know that emotional tug of war that wages in my head and find excitement in it all the little steps in his life. I let my mind flip through the pages of my memories, flashing snippets of images, smells and conversations and finding that this day was more overwhelming than I thought it would or could be. I was joyfully singing my child up for school and struggling not to let the grief of something Christopher looked so forward to not over come the day.

On April 18th Ethan and I went to the school for our tour. Ethan was scared and I think it took all of 60 seconds for him to realize and understand that his friends from pre-school were not going to his "big boy" school. And in classic Ethan meltdown he put on the brakes, cried and begged me to leave. As a mom it's heartbreaking to explain to your child that this all so scary thing - it's not that scary when you yourself remember wh

at it was like to start a new school with no friends. At times it does feel like the world will come to crashing halt and in those moments your fears come crashing in around you. Yet - I put on that "I'm concerned, but you'll be ok" face and explained that his friends on our street are also starting school and he will have friends when he comes here.

What I got back was the classic Christopher look. One eyebrow up, one down, eyes slightly squinted, lips only barely open and the only thing I was waiting for was the "uh-huh" to come pouring out. The good thing about the "Christopher look"; I looked at it for 16 years and it didn't phase me then and I wasn't about to have it phase me now - not when there was still two hours left to this "mini-tour".

Surprisingly it went well with minimal meltdown and after bringing Ethan to his pre-school and me back to work I started putting in his school dates into my computer. Meet the teacher night, popsicle night, holidays, school sessions… it started to become overwhelming. Holy Kindergarten Batman, life is about to change, dramatically.

From that day till about a week ago, there has always been a day that floats by that I think to myself what in holly hell have I gotten myself into. Not only will Ethan start Kindergarten, but he will also begin Faith Formation at our church and will have class one day a week for an hour. Then there is soccer. Yep soccer. Ethan is done with Tot-Kwan-Do and has asked to play soccer. So there goes practice night(s) and game days. SO that's another few days out of the week that I will need to schedule out of the week for us. THEN, yes then, Ethan has asked to take music lessons. And this is where I had to draw the line (for my own sanity and his). But how am I going to do this all?

Then one Saturday while walking back from the pool with my muppet; we saw something wonderful. Something that made both of us stop in our tracks. Ethan saw this subli

me little thing first.

"Mommy, look it's a draco-fly!"

And as quickly as my heart stood stir there is was. A dragonfly. Resting ever so quietly on a branch of our sage bush next to our front door. My first inclination was to just sit and stare and take it in fore the moment before Ethan was sure to bounced through and the dragon fly was sure to fly away. Then before I knew Ethan was so close to this delicate little creature that I wanted to lecture him on getting so close, but I didn't. I didn't because I was more in awe of the fact it just sat there and let us take it in. It wasn't afraid of us. Or Ethan proclaiming loudly that he loved this "draco-fly".

I quickly ran in and grabbed my camera and snapped a few shots off of a creature that represents the love Christopher and I shared and where he was now. See during his funeral our priest explained how leaving this mortal plain was like that of the life of a dragonfly. Immersed in darkness and once it finds light, it can't go home. And here sat this wonderful dragonfly who still to this day has not left my front y

ard and reminds me that even when I think I'm alone in this world - I'm not. He (Christopher) is still there to guide me when I feel as if those new aspects in life seem rough and overly bumpy. He's always here to let me know that I can do anything I put my mind to. And Ethan starting school is no different.

So in a few weeks, Ethan will start something new in his life with going to school and I will also start a new a chapter of our lives with how a whole new routine is about to unfold and be learned. And just like all new things I am sure it will be rough and a little hair pulling truing to figure out how to work, get Ethan to practices and games and balance faith as well. However, what i do know is that no matter the routine - he is there. Christopher doesn't need his name on a sheet of paper to be Ethan's dad, he only needs to rest in our hearts where it's most important.

It all started with a mouse….

Walt Disney said a famous quote once that said something to the effect of “we should all remember that this all started with the love of a mouse.” And he’s right. A simple little drawing that was drawn on a train if I have my Disney lore correct. And being an artist listening to things like that make me smile for it’s in those moments when we doodle on the back of a napkin or a receipt that is buried in the deepest, most bottommost dwelling of our purse or messenger bag that can turn into something some unlawful amount of people flock to each year.

It’s the idea that something that is locked in our head can turn out to be something so magical for hundreds of thousands of people. Heck millions if not billions. That in and of its self is magical. Can you even fathom the marketing department it takes to keep a place like that running and bringing people to it each year? I would say that working for this company in their art department would be my dream job; but then again the idea of living in a place hotter than Texas? Ummmm…. That dream just might stay there in the white rabbit hole that sits between Neverland and my own Adventure Land.

I recently went on vacation with my muppet. And yes, we went to Disney World. Me, Ethan, my parents and my brother (for a short time) all stayed in my parents RV at Disney’s Fort Wilderness Camp Ground and spent 10 days exploring the World that millions flock to. It was the first time for Ethan and honestly a little over 12 years for my family and I. So yes, in a way there were things different, new and also very magical for everyone.

However, the most magical part about it all was Ethan’s face. He was so excited about the idea of Disney World, I think I could have taken him to a new mall in Dallas and he would have thought it was Disney World. Now don’t get me wrong I showed him photos on the internet and explained things where I could; but honestly, can you really explain a place like this other than through the overwhelming awe that floods into our senses when you walk down Main Street USA for the first time?

Ethan was memorized and I personally couldn’t help but revert to my ten-year-old self for him. To see him completely terrified of Big Thunder Mountain only to be completely shocked when he got off the ride and went from what I thought was him being on the edge of a melt down to jumping up and down yelling at the top of his lungs, “That was awesome! Can we go again?!?”

I loved how with each ride it became his new favorite. And with each new “fav” he added to his list, a new fav was added to mine because it was my muppet’s favorite and the smile that came over his face filled my heart with so much joy, I couldn’t help but smile from the inside out. It made my heart sing to see him so excited and enjoying himself so much.

At the end of our trip Ethan proclaimed that the Buzz Lightyear ride was the best thing in the whole wide world, next to Thunder Mountain, The Speedway and the Carrousel (and who would have thought he would like the carrousel because back home I can’t really get him to ride in a shopping cart let alone anything that moves in a circle and up and down for less than 60 seconds.)

We spent ten wonderful days exploring the new adventures, getting bitten by various spiders and bugs and making memories that I hope Ethan will remember for years to come. But this month wasn’t filled with just a vacation, but two birthdays that were turning points for both Ethan and I.

This year I turned 34 and to be honest this birthday felt different. How might you ask? Well I don’t think I can fully explain without explain what up to this point my 30’s has meant me to be up to this point.

About two weeks before my 30’s birthday Christopher and I got the news that he had cancer – yeah happy birthday to me… We didn’t do anything on my birthday because Christopher had staples that covered the lower half of his stomach. But I saw this birthday as a transition to a new life – a new healthy life. One where we, together would fight this cancer.

On my 31^st birthday Christopher was becoming increasingly tired from the non-stop chemo and again my birthday somewhat went under the radar because I didn’t want him to feel bad that he was too tired to do anything. Then just a few short months later I became a widow. Again… yeah to the 30’s (insert largest sarcastic eye roll I can muster).

Turning 32 was hard for the simple reason of this was the same age that Christopher was when he was told he had cancer. I think I spent most of the day wondering how I would feel if someone told me that I had cancer – what would do, what would I think, how did Christopher do this? It made me admire him more and more for all that he went through.

Then there was last year’s birthday. 33. I was the same age as Christopher was when he passed. Looking at Ethan was really hard that day. To think that Christopher knew for a month that he was going to die. He was going to leave this little man that means so much to him. It was heart breaking and to say the least I tired to ignore that birthday to the best of my ability. I didn’t bring attention to it at work and for the most part tried to ignore Facebook the best I could. It was one of the most difficult birthdays I have ever had.

Then there was this year. I expected it to be hard. I expected it to hurt. I even prepared myself for the tears to flow most of the day. But what I got… Shocking. I woke up that morning, excited. Filled with anticipation for the day. This was a new day, yet more than just a new day. This was a new year. Where I expected the pain of living one more than Christopher – it was filled with nothing… No heavy burden on my shoulders; that weight was some how lifted. It was like I was living life through a new set of eyes. When people wished me a happy birthday – I smiled for the first time in four years. And you know what? It felt good to smile and be proud of being one year older.

Why this sudden transformation in the way I saw something as simple as turning a year older? Maybe it’s because I woke up and said I’m tired of the pain and hurt that cancer brought to me. Maybe it’s because I now see the beauty that being able to have that one more birthday means to me; to Ethan. Whatever the case maybe; I’m happy to have felt that feeling and I hope that 35 brings more!

This month was also Ethan’s birthday. My little muppet turned five. Five. Even as I type this I can see him the morning of his birthday when people would ask “and how old are you?” Ethan putting his hand as high in the air as he could reach and spreading his fingers as wide as his little hand could spread them without dislocating any digits and proclaiming that he was “five because his mommy took away his four!”

Watching Ethan so excited about his birthday made me feel good as a Mom and so sad at the same time. This birthday marks a time when Ethan as lived more time without his Dad than with his Dad. As a parent it breaks my heart. Yet as a single Mom, watching my child so happy at his birthday party – running and playing with other children and not even thinking twice about where his Mommy is; well lets just say it made me feel good.

It brought a peace to my heart that even in those moments where I want to throw my hands up in the air and say – I don’t know how to be a single parent, I don’t know how to answer than question of why daddy can’t come home, or why and how do I explain the new set of challenges that comes with being a single parent –it’s all worth it. It’s all worth the books I have read, the articles that others have written and my own personal discovery of the how the mind works when it comes to the loss of someone that filled your life with so much joy. Everything I have experienced has been worth it in one way or another.

So as you can see my month has been packed and full with allot and I’m just starting to get Ethan back on his routine and back in the groove before he and I face a whole new milestone. Kindergarten. (insert deer in headlight look of horror – then insert the thought of a pay raise from less money in daycare – ok so maybe kindergarten won’t be so bad after all… insert evil grin)

I will say I am very excited for Ethan to start Kindergarten, but will save that for another post. For those who follow (and who I haven’t lost over such a long post) I’ve started a Facebook page where I’ll try and update the things that Ethan and I are doing and also something new that I’ll be doing in the month of October. Lets just say that I hope it will go viral and I will have a flood of people who will participate in it. I’m working with a dear friend on it and I hope to announce it soon!