On October 12th my facebook book status was,
"[Today] I remember how life all changed 3 yrs ago." It was that day,
three years ago that Christopher's battle with cancer ended. It was a day where
I knew; life as I knew it was going to be different – completely. And as I
started on my new path of my new normal and my own self discovery I saw how it
was all so different and yet still the same.
This morning I walked my little muppet to school -
in the rain. Yes the rain. Ethan loves the rain like there is no other; which
he takes after his dad. Christopher's belief was that the rain was pure and
clean; so, ergo you have to walk in the rain at least once in your life to
understand what life is all about. It was/is an interesting philosophy to say
the least and one that as I move closer to my zen I’m starting to understand
where he was coming from. So it didn't surprise me (at all) that that day Ethan
wanted to walk in the rain. So we did.
I will admit that when I suggested to Ethan that we
drive to school I might have been a hair bent out of shape when he exclaimed
that he wanted to walk and I just might have started to put the proverbial
Mommy foot down on that choice. However, that day is the one day out of the
year that I promised myself that Ethan and I resided in a different plain, for
this one day, we are friends – equals in a way. We both experienced a loss and
my loss is no greater than his. The pain that might find it’s way into my heart
is no sharper or stronger than the one that will/might find it’s way into his.
This was a day of celebrating the life of the one we lost and the life of the
one who bought so much joy into our hearts. So… we walked… in the rain.
We jumped puddles. We laughed. We goofed off. Ethan
told me I walk too fast. I joked that’s because he walks too slow. We made
silly faces at each other. I asked him if he was going to have good day and he
said in a very loving tone, “today I will be brave mommy.”
I was taken aback. I have never really explained
what this day means directly to Ethan. I have never felt like it was the right
time; yet. However, I have shown him through changing things we do on this day
that today is a very special day for the both of us; even going as far to say,
“today is a special day and one day I will explain it all to you when you are
older.” So for my muppet to express his bravery to me – it was heart stopping
and stopped me in my tracks.
When we got to school he hugged me, told me that he
loved me and as he ran into the building turned and blew me a kiss. My heart
filled with warmth; he’s never done that on the way to school. See, if you knew
Ethan you would know how much he loves school and how as I drop him off he runs
to get to his class room because he craves learning. So this simple little gesture
of his love and devotion made my day just a little brighter.
I went home and got ready for something I have be working on for the
last 16 months. Why 16 months? Well that’s how long Christopher was on chemo.
It’s how long h roughly his overall battle with cancer was. So it’s in my way
of reminding me of his struggles and keeping in my heart that he never gave up.
This day I cut off the 12” of hair that I’ve been growing out. It’s been a
labor of love to say the least – the summers are the worst with long hair and
we’ve had a pretty warm one here in Dallas this past summer. But it’s a labor
of love that I not only loved doing, but knew that at the end of this journey
it would go to a child in need and that is all I needed to know to know that
this gift was one I couldn’t give up on.
Cutting all that hair off was emotional to say the least. It’s one of
those emotions where you feel like as high as a kite before your about to do it
– then as it’s happening your asking your self why you are doing this – then
it’s done and you look and see what you are able to give someone and it fills
your heart with so much joy you almost burst from the inside out.
After getting my hair cut I ran and got some cup cakes and then was off
to pick up my muppet. He was so excited to see me and me for him. We hugged and
he asked what we were going to do (being that I picked him up earlier than
normal). I told him we were going to visit daddy and that I had some cup cakes
for us to eat. He was super excited and asked if we could leave a cup cake for
daddy too.
When we got out to the grave, we sat and talked about his day at school
and what things were his favorite part about the day. We talked about how good the
cupcakes were and how he “loved” these cup cakes.
We didn’t stay long, Ethan managed to eat the frosting off a cupcake or
two and I realized that we needed to get some dinner before he filled up on
sugery-frosting-goodness.
That day was hard to fathom being that it’s been 3 years and yet feels
like it was so much longer than that and yet there are times that it feels like
only a year ago. Grief is a strange thing. Its one where I don’t think you
completely lose the feeling of loss – you just learn how to cope with the
emotion that sits in your heart. And there might be times that we encounter
triggers and it brings those emotions to the surface, but as long as we work on
understanding them and processing them then they become easier to handle and
understand.
I had a good day of remembering the one I lost and yet remembering what
this life has in store for me and what I can do for it. Pax.
