Equal To

I had this whole blog post written out; even found the perfect photo that would go with it. Then the Music Man and I had a conversation that has changed this whole post in a way. Like I said before, I have to remind myself that the Music Man didn't know Christopher because he talks about him like he did and respects the relationship that Christopher and I had and for that I'm truly blessed.

The other night he and I had a really long conversation about a friend of mine and the rough time she's going through after divorce. I expounded on how after reading one of her blogs I wanted to reach out and hug her and explain to her that all her feelings were normal; for in the end no matter how you lose your spouse, everyone grieves for the relationship that they had.

I explained to him how shortly after Christopher passed I went to a free support group that met twice a month. It was set up for families who had lost a loved one and were dealing with that loss. There were people there who were divorced and just there for their kids. There were people who had been going for years and yet still couldn't find a place with their grief that made them feel that life was going to be ok. Then there were people like me. People that had recently lost their spouses and didn't know what happens next.

I quickly befriended a woman who had children Ethan's age and got to know her. Her husband passed quickly in an accident and our stories couldn't be more different. While I had time to tell Christopher all I wanted which helped put my mind at ease; her and her husband got into a fight and she left with the kids to go to the store only to find when she got home that their house burned down and he failed to make it out. I remember her hashing out her story and how she had gone a year without talking to almost anyone about her feelings. Then there was me who the second I found out that Christopher was going to pass had made a mental notes to find a grief therapist. We were so different and yet I still saw a little bit of me in her.

She was strong and put her kids first above all else. She was dealing with things one day at a time. She had her good days. She had her bad days. She had days that all she wanted to do is lay in bed, but knew that wasn't going to feed her kids or keep a household running. She swallowed her emotions whole to deal with at a later date in time. She was me. I was her. Our situations different, but dealing almost the same way. We related - in a way.

Then one day after the holidays we were in group and we had to talk about something positive in our lives (being that Valentines day was right around the corner). One-by-one everyone shared their stories of how they met the person they lost or a touching memory that stayed with them. I shared how on the first Valentine's Day after we were married I walked out to my car only to find that it was filled with red, pink and white balloons and a vase of flowers in the cup holder. I grinned when I explained how I had to smile -- not only for the visual that a car full of balloons brings, but how in the hell was I going to get to work (on time) and how in the hell did Christopher manage to squeeze as many balloons as he did in my Passat!?! But that's why I love(d) him. He always kept me on my toes.

Then it was this other's woman's turn to share. I remember thinking that her story might be similar just based on conversations that she and I had in the past. I was ready to reach over and hold her hand when she might start to cry. I was ready to be there for this woman I considered similar to myself.

She looked at the group. She looked at her feet and took a deep breathe. I thought to myself how this memory must be painful to rehash and I was posed with a tissue to hand-off at any moment. She started to talk; then stopped. A rather long sigh exhaled from her and then she spoke.

"We are suppose to talk about a happy moment?"

The mediator in the group nodded his head. Another long sigh came from her and then she spoke again.

"Well then my happy moment is I'm excited about Valentine's day," she paused and took another deep breath.

"The guy I've been dating for a few months has a really nice evening planed and I'm excited. My life is better that it ever has been; even when I was with my husband. And this is something I'm really looking forward to."

Everyone in the group just stared. There were even some jaws that hit the floor. And yes I'm sad to say I was one of those people that were in complete shock. I couldn't fathom telling people that my life was better than what I had before, or even feeling that emotion. The next few months she didn't show back up to group and I stopped going because honestly I felt like I got more out of my personal therapy sessions than I did with the group. But the memory of that woman's story stuck with me. I remember laying in bed wondering what she went through to think that her life is better now? I thought about how I could never say it. And I would never say that.

I sat in bed thinking how I would never date; because I never wanted to fight with feeling that if I opened myself up to someone else that it would mean that what Christopher and I had was a joke, something that meant nothing to me. I didn't want people to look down on me and question my every move. I didn't want to have to explain to someone that I could never love them because my heart only belonged to one person or that they could never better my life because I had already had the best life could offer.

I would listen to friends going through divorce explain how going through it was the best thing that ever happened to them because it meant that they were able to find their happy again. Needless to say that idea just went over my head. I was lucky if I could go two days with a smile on my face. People dating happily always forced a fake a smile because on the inside I could just never see that for me. All I could see is a woman who just needed to make it through life till Ethan went off to college and then I would figure it all out. Sounded easy enough. It all made sense in my head.

I explained to the Music Man how this past Saturday, with Ethan tucked in bed for the night, I sat on my sofa with my laptop in my lap and I stared at my friends blog. I read over and over her post. She talked about how her ex's birthday just passed and her's was coming up soon. How this was the first time that she hadn't spent a birthday with him since she was 18. And even though she's dating a man who respects her and cares about her; she still misses her husband. She can't see how divorce will end up being something good like her friends all talk about. She misses what her and her ex husband had.

I tried to wrap my tongue around the metaphors of how my fingers danced over the tops of these keys trying to find the right words to comment on her post. I thought of "I feel your pain." But that really isn't helpful. Yes it's reassuring, but it's not comforting. I thought about posting some really long and epic montage about how when life gives you lemons you bring gin. But that wasn't going to be helpful either because I don't think she drinks gin. I thought about explaining how one day everything will make sense. But right now nothing probably makes sense to her.

Then I remember the woman whom I thought I could and yet couldn't relate to. And here I am in a relationship; so how does all this relate to my friend who feeling allot of pain as she travels through the milestones in life after her divorce? If I tell her it will get better - then what does that say about the relationship I had with Christopher? Yes, I could see how with many of her friends she might find peace with her divorce and feel that way. But I don't really think that will be the case with this friend. I could be completely wrong. I could be half-way right. But I have a feeling that she will find instead what I have found in life.

So what do I say to this woman who feels the same way I did sitting in that grief group? That was the question that I posed to the Music Man. He turned to face me and explained to me in only the way he could, all the things that I couldn't wrap my mind around how to say them.

He explained that what Christopher and I had was special and he would hope that I would never say that my life is better. That would be an insult to Christopher and the relationship we had. But what he hopes is that it's equal to what I had with Christopher. That anything less isn't good enough and it should never be better; it should be equal and different. 

There will be times when I wish that the Music Man knew a little more about cooking and in his words, he will never be as great of a cook as Christopher, but he can try to be almost as good. And there will be times in my life when I prefer things the Music Man does that Christopher couldn't do because of work or preference. And none of that makes them bad or good over the other. They are different and yet equally important to what makes a relationship work.

He went on to say that he was proud of me for all that I have managed to accomplish since Christopher's passing and I should never beat myself up over things that I can't always put into words. Sometimes that's the beauty in life. Life itself is so beautiful that words can't always unfold themselves to me; and yet, I fully understand where it was I've come from in this situation that life brought me . I've grown from them. I'm a stronger woman than I was before and chose not to be the woman I was headed towards becoming. That woman that closed her self off and lived in a cocoon is gone. She's so freaking gone. She has been replaced with a woman that is more confident and stronger than she had ever been before. She emerged into the woman who lets her wings soar. My life is filled with a new adventure and the adventure of sharing it with someone else. It's an adventure that's not better than what I had, but equal to. It's one that's filled with compassion and understanding. It's one that brings that same eat-shit grin to my face again. Each is different in their own respects and yet both make happy.

It took me years to get to place where I could look forward and not lock myself into my fears of the past. It's ok to sit back and remember what "was" and in no way will life ever be the "exact" same. But it can be as good as it was. As good as you might day dream it be. It takes time. It takes understanding. And most of all it takes a growing heart to heal those pains that find their way to hurt us over and over.

To my friend who's going through a tough week. It's 100% ok to feel those feelings that flood your mind (heck it's more than 100%). You grieve for the relationship you had and what it was that you loved about it. And while yes you have a man in your life and he's understanding of everything you have been through - that also means he understands that there will be times that you need to flood those memories from behind locked doors with your tears. As time presses on you will find that the woman who hurt for those moments will find peace with all that she feels and you might even look at that woman and wonder how you got to where you were. But the important thing is you allow your self to grow and understand. Don't let your mind trick itself into thinking you're any less than what you are. A strong beautiful woman.

#healthy me

(all photos in the frames are from Devine Photography)

When Christopher was told he had cancer I was the type of person that read through as many white papers, online articles and books I could find to find out more about cancer. I wanted to know everything I could about it. How it grows. Why it happens. What have people found to make going through treatments easier? In the end I was a wealth of cancer knowing information. 

I took everything that I had read and applied it to our lives. I changed the way we ate. How we went about our daily lives. Christopher even went as far to try mental warfare on his cancer. Whatever it took; we did it. When Christopher passed away I knew right away what this all meant for my muppet. His chances for cancer are higher than most kids, but he has leg up on those other kids because his mom knows the type of cancer that he might be predisposed to and how to fight it before it can ever happen. It's not all about diet, but most if it is. 

See colon cancer LOVES a diet that is high in fat and low in fiber. And I won't lie when I read that fact I had to shake my head and ask myself why no one told Christopher this when his mom was diagnosed with cancer. But then again when she was diagnosed her doctors also told her she could drink soda and fatty foods to keep the weight on during chemo and NOW we know that was wrong because cancer eats sugar for breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

So knowing all that I do know about cancer and how it "thinks" so to speak I change the way my house thinks about food. I don't buy canned foods (green beans don't come from a can around my house). I cut out red meat for most of our diet. This means very little pork and steak. Yes you heard me right - pork. Pork is NOT the other white meat. Ask any nutritionist and they will confirm what I just typed. Pork is so high in fat that it's actually classified as red meat on a nutritional scale. 

Now while all this sounds great and YAY me for doing all this for Ethan. I sorta left me as a loop hole. Yes when all this changed I lost around 40 pounds (basically I lost all the extra baby weight that I was struggling to get rid of). But then I hit a wall. I could run, workout, and try my hardest to keep losing weight, but I never really could get below a certain weight and feel like I was making progress. Then a friend of mine got really into fitness. She was doing what I did with cancer. She poured over books and read everything she could about it (following her on twitter was an eye opener - follow her on Twitter at @SheIsStrong). 

It made me want to change the way I saw myself. I've always viewed myself as physically strong (heck I carried a 45 pound Ethan almost a quarter of a mile asleep on my shoulder one night on the way back from Disney World and didn't blink an eye). I'm strong for someone who's only 5' 2". But I've never been happy with the amount of fat that I carry around. Yep I said it. FAT. Want to hear it again? FAT. FAT. FATTY. FAT. You know that little extra stuff you carry around your middle. Muffin top? Love handles? Buddha belly? Whatever you want to call it - I got a little of it. And it's all from drinking too much soda, eating fast food at lunch when I shouldn't and snacking on tasty treats that pop up into the office or my house.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm 5'2" and 127lbs (on an average day). I'm not overweight when you look it up on the height and weight ratio - but I am what you might call "skinny fat". I carry around a little extra fat than someone else my size. So my goal this year wasn't to lose weight. It's to lose fat. And yes, losing fat will cause me to loose weight - BUT that is not the goal.

Ok hear me out. If I say I want to lose weight; the average person (myself included) would try to watch calories, maybe cut carbs and work out harder. However, when you change the way your mind thinks (like wanting to lose fat over weight) you allow yourself to eat more fruit than normal or not take that one Hersey's Kiss because only one has 25 calories (or whatever it is that we tell ourselves). I can continue to work out the same amount as I do without having to kill myself with hours upon hours of work outs.

I guess the bottom line is Ethan only has one parent and I need to make sure that I am there for him through as many years as I can. My honest goal is to live to be 100. Yeah I said it. I want to see my muppet turn 70! Yeah yeah - big goals; but hey I dream BIG! ;)

Now for those people who want to try and change the way their mind thinks about health, food and working out I strongly suggest checking out CoachCalorie.com. This site is amazing! More than amazing - I've learned so much and just taking a few articles that I've read and applied the thoughts behind them to my life over the past 5 days I've lost 2lbs. Yes that's more than I want for a week (I really don't want to lose more than a pound a week if I lose weight), but what that tells me is that my body was used to all the C-R-A-P I put into it. It means that there is nothing wrong with my metabolism and it's running at the pace it should be. I was just putting all the wrong things into my body for it to do what it needed to do. 

What did I change you might ask? Well I didn't go cold turkey on soda; I just told myself that I could have one can (or small glass) of soda a day for two weeks. Then I will go to every other day, to once a week, to none at all. It's hard. Don't get me wrong when I went out to eat recently it was hard to order water when I normally go for a Coke. But I did it and I was proud of myself for doing it (hint: order it with a lime in it if you don't like the way water taste - it adds a little something to it). I also bring my breakfast, lunch and snacks to work everyday and I sit the lunch bag right on my desk to remind me that it's there (it also keeps me out of the break room from anything that might tempt me). I'm changing things slowly and benefiting from it already. 

For anyone that wants to follow what I do I'm going to post on the Living Strong Facebook page some of my meals and workout with the hashtag of #healthyme. It's just another way to keep my self honest and moving forward towards a healthier and happier me in 2012. I challenge all of you out there who want to change what they see in their lives to start now. Not in a month or when things slow down in your life. NOW. TODAY. Right this second even. Our lives are our gifts to ourselves and our children. And like my parents taught me - any gift from anyone is a gift that should be accepted and accepted with graditude because it means that someone took time out to think about us. So start thinking about a healthier you. Take care of the greatest gift we have. Ourselves. For all those people that bring joy into your life. Make 2012 a #healthyme.

The Music Man

Ever have those moments when your iPod falls onto a song that you haven't listened to in awhile, or you put a new or lost CD in your player only to come across the most beautiful song that fills your heart with meaning and excites the mind in ways that you thought might never happen? For me it happens a lot. So much so, that a lot of my blog posts are all inspired through the thoughts that are manifested through the gentle sounds that fill my ears and float through my head. Honestly, if music left this world, this artist would surely struggle and possibly starve. It's the one thing in my life that has helped me through so much (musical therapy if you will) and yet it's the one thing that continuously grows with no end in sight.

Music (in any form) is a lyrical symposium of an infinite creative play on words, notes, metaphors and harmonic symphonies; that plays on every sense that fills my soul. It spins a web through the complex emotions that maze through my mind and allows those feelings that I can't always put into words and sanctions them to escape on the back of tunes that help me let go of sorrow, take hold of joy and feel the warmth of memories that I fear I will lose one day.

Each year I have written a letter to Christopher about how much he still amazes me and how much even after time has passed that I still love him with the wholest of my heart. I write to Ethan about the amazing strides that he has over come and how such a small little person changed my life and did wonders when I needed it the most. And all he had to do was smile to make that happen. I write about what I do on those days that are still milestones in my life and what making it through another year means me, but this year things are different.

Life for me is different right now. I'm in a place where it's not late breaking news that the woman who lives on the corner lost her husband and she's left to raise a two year old son. I'm the woman on the corner who has brought that two year old to day care, pre-school, other transitions in life and now walks him to kindergarten every morning. I'm the woman on the corner who sits outside on nice nights when the son she adores is asleep and drinks a glass of wine on her front stoop letting her mind swim through her day dreams. I'm the woman who finds the humor in shows she thought she once lost. I am the woman who found her rhythm in life if you will.

Now, with Ethan in school, soccer and faith formation classes (aka Sunday School), there is another part of my life that needs to be addressed and shared for this new year. Since Christopher passed I have watched my single friends date; some poorly, some struggling to find their way through the dating scene and all the while others were skipping joyfully through it finding the loves of their lives. It's something I've watched, marveled at and sometimes closed my eyes and shook my head.

One of the thoughts that run through my head for some time is could I ever commit to another man? Yeah I've blogged about how I want it; well more so that I would like another child or even just the idea of sharing my life with someone else. However, each time after hitting the post button I was always left with the question of "do I really want all that"? I knew front ways, side ways and in all ways that Christopher loved me like no other. I was his queen. His cheerleader. His greatest defender. The love of his life. So honestly, how can any man really see me that way too? Aren't you only supposed to have one love of your life? Am I capable of love at all? That was always a weekly war in my head. How can you fathom to give your heart to someone when so much of it is taken by someone else? The idea of being single seems easy after all that runs through your head.

One lone day during therapy my therapist explained to me that I don't have to share my heart; I just have to learn to let it grow and there will be someone who will not only be ok with the fact that part of my heart beats for someone else; but will understand and love the fact that it does.

Ok wait - back up the bus? What did my therapist say? That someone will love the fact that I'm still in love with someone else? Was my therapist smoking the good stuff; because I couldn't see anyone loving me. Or that someone would love me for my loyalty to the relationship that I had. Because honestly, if I woke up one day and just didn't still care for this man, this man that I write about and pour my heart out about - then what kind of relationship did we have to begin with that I could toss aside the love we had just to be with someone else?

Then I met the Music Man. We both found each other interesting. His grandmother had lost her first husband, leaving her with a daughter of only a few years old.  And he had always heard the story of how God always brings love into your life as long as you allow it. Needless to say, knowing that little fact about him; how in a way, he was on the "other end" of what I was going through was comforting. His mom and her older sister have different fathers and he's the grandson from this other love that his grandmother was brought to. It was almost as if I was being shown that life does go on and here is this family as proof.

We talked. Became friends. We both share a love for music (honestly he's the only person I know who listens to music the same way I do). His music collection completely surpasses mine (hence why I've nicknamed him The Music Man). He was the first person that I had ever met that we could not only talk about the bands we like, but talk about how music made us feel and how sometimes there is a song that has the best lyrics in the world and yet the notes that surround it don't light a candle to it. Or just the opposite. He's the kind of person that when he reads the first paragraph of this blog will get a huge smile to his face because he completely gets it. Because he feels music the same way I do too.

But that isn't even the best part about this man - this Music Man. The best part is we are truly best friends. I have to remind myself from time to time that he never met Christopher because he talks about him like he did. When I'm upset he reminds me of the loving relationship Christopher and I shared and how there is proof in my Muppet. We've spent many a conversation sharing about our lives and our own struggles with what has gone on in them that it feels like we have been friends for more than the short time we really have been. He's been there as a shoulder to cry upon, vent on, share my fears with and as of late he's been a driving force supporting the things I do with Ethan and my own personal goals in life. He is always there when I need the random help.

One of our ongoing conversations is for me to find happiness. He's always stated that for me to love anyone I needed to work on breaking down the wall that I placed around my heart. That what I went through was hard, but I've proven I'm more than a strong woman and now I need to work on bringing the things that make me the happiest inside my heart so I can break the wall that surrounds it from the inside out. Yes, there is a wall around me. I've known it from the day I was told that cancer entered into my life. It's one that I've built stronger and stronger as I've tried to make it through explaining those tough questions that Ethan and life put in front of me. It's one that I didn't think would ever really fall and part of me wanted it to stay because it was easier to have that than to allow life to hurt me again.

Then one day I was on my way out and the Music Man volunteered to watch Ethan for me. While I ran around gathering my things I hear Ethan ask him in a inquisitive tone, "Do you know where heaven is?" My heart and feet stopped in mid beat. All I could think of is, please don't answer this question, I haven't warned you as to what to say…..

Then before I could intervene I heard him say in a kind and gentle voice, "Yes I do. Heaven is where God is. God created heaven."

My little muppet paused and asked back, "Do you think my daddy is in heaven?" Again my heart stopped and my mind raced as to how I was going to jump into this overly innocent conversation between the two.

The Music Man paused and said in the same gentle voice, "Yes I do. And I think he's in a wonderful place where he looks down on you every day." I fought back the tears and continued to get ready to head out. The whole time I was gone I thought how blessed I was that Ethan had asked the Music Man those questions and not some random sitter that might have been there, because he answered them the way I would have wanted him to. The way that I had always written I had hoped that someone would. And down fell a little pebble that surround my heart.

I started to realize that this man who was not only my best friend meant more to me. He was more, but not just because he could answer a question right to Ethan; he was more because he has been the person who understands me. He understands the situation I come from and when tears fall he's the first to let me know that it's not only ok to be upset, but that he is there to talk, listen or let me scream about it and will never shun me for any thoughts that pop into my head and possibly cloud my thoughts.

He's the man that finds it beautiful that I have had such a great love already in my life; because that means that what Christopher and I had was special and that in return makes me a special person. He's the type of man that I would want around my Muppet. He's understanding of any emotions Ethan might have, but doesn't let him get away with sneaking a cookie and is the first to always tell Ethan that he should listen to his mom.

He's the type of person that always tries to find a solution to a problem and does what he can to help out. He's calm. Reserved. He's not a hot head and he's not the kind of person that would fly off the handle just because things don't go his way or as planned. He grounds me when I get upset and balances me. His confidence in me brings me strength I didn't know I have and he drives me to want to be a better person, boss, mom and friend.

Some might think he's weak for his kindheartedness; however, those people are the weak ones who can't see that it takes a strong man to be with someone who still talks about her late husband and the struggles that might come from watching the end of a sappy movie. It takes a strong man to want to be a part of a child's life who isn't even his. It takes a strong man to deal with everything that comes on the mix-tape of my life.

It takes a strong man to do all these things and remain understanding and willing to talk about the things that flood my mind. It takes for me the understanding and balance the Music Man brings to my life - not only as friends, but as someone that I want to share all my thoughts and  things with. 

Thank you Music Man for being there for me. For helping me during those times when I needed it the most. Thank you for being that random song that fills my ears and helps me let go of sorrow, take hold of joy and feel the warmth of memories that I fear I will lose one day. Thank you for being the man that I need in my life right now. And most of all thank you for being that man that I can rest my head on and feel like life has a whole new adventure again.