I’m a Christian. I’m sure anyone who reads this blog can tell that I believe in God and anyone who also reads this blog knows that I also give respect to other peoples beliefs (God, the universe or whatever it is you put your faith into). I don’t normally like to talk about my relationship with God because it’s personal, special, and between him and I. I believe that each person’s relationship with what they believe in is one that only they understand and with that I don’t like to share too much about my own relationship with God and my faith.
But it’s been four years…four years since I laid my ear to Christopher’s chest and didn’t hear his heart beat.
It’s been four years since I watched a nurse dump pills and medication down my kitchen sink and yet held out a bottle of sleeping pills and told me I would need them.
It’s been four years since I watched friends and family come to my door step with solace on their faces over the situation that was brought to us.
It’s been four years since the first time I ever had to explain to a 2 year old that his daddy was in heaven.
A lot has changed in four years. I’ve dealt with a lot of stuff that I don’t wish on anyone. Things that I personally wish I didn’t have to deal with nor do I ever hope those situations come back into my life.
When Christopher passed, all my thoughts were consumed with “what do I do now?” “How do I do this?” Yes, while friends and family are there to help out when they can, they are not the ones who struggle with the idea of raising a child on their own. Or figuring out how to be the mom and the dad and answering those tough questions that sometimes come out of my muppet’s mouth. And with all of this; struggling with the ongoing conversation between God and I.
Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time looking back. Letting my mind wander through daydreams that were once my nightmares. Seeing how far I’ve grown as a person: spiritually and personally. Like I stated in my last blog post, I’m not the same person I was 4 or 5 years ago and yet there are important parts of me are still very much held firmly in my mind and soul.
I won’t lie, anyone that reads this blog could tell you that this has been a long, sometimes arduous road, one filled with moments where I didn’t know or understand what path in life I was meant to take after the loss of what seemed like my whole entire life. Christopher was my everything and I was left to figure out how life moves forward without him in this new normal.
I failed a lot. I cried a lot. There were moments where I felt completely alone in all of this even though I was surrounded by my friends and family.
But through all of this I had a guide. Someone who never gave up on me. Someone that when I was unsure of all that life was throwing at me would shine down a light and point me so gently in a direction. I may not have chosen his paths all the time, but that’s the beauty of it. He's gracious if you fail; it just means there is another chance for him to point you in the way you need to go. One more lesson that he can teach you in the interim.
For those who haven’t figured it out, I’m not talking about the MusicMan or my parents. I’m referring to God. I think it’s important for anyone who goes through grief to know that we (God & I) didn’t have it easy those first few years.
I like to think that God is one of my best friends (in a way). You would do anything for your best friends and yet some times those best friends make choices you wouldn't choose and while you still love them through and through, you just don’t understand why they did what they did or agree wholeheartedly with their choices.
That was me…and the relationship that I had with God. I never renounced him from my heart, but I didn’t agree with his plan. Shortly after Christopher passed I would look up to heavens and ask why? Why did he have to take one person in the world who completely understood me and knew me from the inside out? Why would a friend put me through so much pain and in such a deep fog?
It took years of healing and working on myself to understand and see the little things that he brought to my life to understand that I’m not meant to “get” everything. And it’s more than ok to play the bullheaded card with God because it’s just another way for him to grow the bond between the two of you.
So I recently started writing a letter to God. It feels fitting since shortly after Christopher passed I wrote a letter to him and went outside and burned it. I let the flames of my words rise to the heavens above and let him know just how I felt about everything. In return I believe he took the last few years trying to show me things that have helped me heal. His little signs for me along the way that sometimes I missed and other times I completely got right away.
This time of year is normally reserved for a letter to Christopher, but this year I think I need to share with people my letter to God. So that anyone who’s going through anything that leaves them feeling alone in this world because they have had to question their faith (or the path God, the universe or whatever it is they believe in) know and understand they weren’t alone in all of this. I went through it too.
To My Lord,
So much time as gone by since my last letter and yet we talk daily, but never about my first letter. I know that you don’t avoid the topic; you have always found ways of letting me know I was never alone in all of this and that there was a “plan” so to speak.
So why do I bring it up now? Four years later? Because in all that was brought to my life you made me into someone I didn’t really think I could ever become. I’m stronger: mentally, physically and spiritually.
I won’t lie. It’s has been rough. You and I haven’t had the easiest path. If confusion and torment had a face, it would have been mine. My eyes were the home of a soul that thought it would never find peace. And when you took my grandmother just ten days later I looked at my reflection in a hospital window and told you I was tired of this game you played with my life.
I spent years trying to climb the steps back to healing that were once the relationship that we had. There were times I begged and even tried to threaten you to heal my pain. I spent countless hours trying to understand the “why” and “what does it all mean?” I tried so hard to believe in your plan that I overlooked all your signs in life and it left me cold on the inside at times.
But you never gave up on me. You left me sign after sign that you were there and that there was a plan. It took almost a year for me to open my eyes and see the first sign. But I did. And once I saw it and you and I talked on that fateful run and you have left more and more along my path for me to see.
I never thought I would end up here; never did I think I would be standing where I am. Happy. At peace. And while I don’t always get it, I see the little blessings that my life may not have without your signs.
You led me to confront demons that I always allowed to just pass me by and shovel them in the deep recesses of a closet in the hopes of never dealing with them. But you forced me to open the door and confront them head on. You made me realize that doing what is easy to appease others isn’t always the right thing to do and you gave me the strength to stand up for what I believe in as a mother and a woman. It wasn’t easy. But it made me stronger – it made me a fighter.
You gave me the greatest little gift anyone can have in my Muppet. He’s such an amazing little boy and I know that you and he have a very special bond that I could never fully express in words, but know that I can see it in the twinkle of his eye and in the expressions of his questions when he asks about your life and that of Jesus Christ. He may not know all your prayers by heart – but trust me when I say that his heart is filled with your glory. And I thank you for that.
You gave me a wonderfully loving man in Christopher; someone who fought tooth and nail to be here for Ethan and I. His love was deep, pure and amazing. It was like a warm blanket you can’t wait to embrace. He was honorable and an amazing father. Ethan is so blessed to have a part of Christopher with him.
You brought me into a life that I thought wasn’t meant for me. And yet with that you also brought me a friend who was always there to listen and bring me comfort. Again, one of your little signs that life moves forwards when he explained how his family went through the same thing just a generation before. You blessed the MusicMan with so much compassion and grace. In him I learned to love again. And through the relationship we have had from friendship to dating you have re-taught me how special life can be again. You showed me how in all of this I am not alone. Other people go through this too. We just have to open our eyes to those around us and truly get to know them, not judge them.
God, you never gave up on me and I thank you for that. You gave me strength. You gave me determination. You built back the relationship that I knew we once had and you even made it stronger. You let me vent my frustrations over your plan and in return you never gave up showing me that in everything there is a peace and you would never take me anywhere that your grace wouldn’t help me through. You taught me what it means to truly work on myself from the inside out. Mentally, physically and spiritually.
For all of this I thank you. I love you. My heart is filled with your grace. And in return I will always continue to work on our relationship to make it stronger – from the inside out.
Four years later…I don’t always get it…but I am thankful for everything you brought me through and helped me through.
Pax,
-d
