Last night while I walked Max (the dog) I started to compose
in my head this blog post. It started as a letter to Christopher which then morphed
into how I have two great loves in my life. Then turned into how we are really
a family of four rather than the three (MusicMan, Ethan, me and Christopher). I
thought being that it’s a week before the wedding what is the right thing to
write about.
As I let my thoughts dance through what is right and what
does my heart tell me to do, I felt the cool air on my face and I gazed up into
the stars. I pondered if what I was looking at was Venus or Jupiter. I found
myself grinning while the decision of “I could pull my phone out and use that
fancy App to figure out the whole Venus vs Jupiter thing, but really, it
doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter” because these stars have seen
everything. Jupiter, Venus, Mars, they were all there in the heavens when
Christopher and I were married, they were there when he left this mortal plane
and they will be there when the MusicMan and I say “we do” in one week. These
stars have seen it all. The happiness, the sorrow and the glimmer of hope we
all wish upon them.
I grinned because they have seen me run through the pain
(literally and metaphorically). They have seen the tears. Heard the laugher
that was silent for so long. And they will be there for years to come.
This has been a journey. At times it feels like it’s been
longer than it has, and other times shorter. Today it has been 5 years since
Christopher left this world. And in those 5 years I have done so much. So much
more than I ever thought possible.
Everyone at some point in life has gone through something
where they felt like life, God, the universe, cancer or something has been
their enemy. An archnemesis determined to pull them down and into a cage with
no way out. It’s easy to let our fear and doubts take control of our thoughts
and let them cut at us until we bleed. And sometimes that needs to happen so
that we will be embraced in total darkness so that when we start to see the
faint light of hope glow it can burn brighter that we ever thought possible.
Sometimes you have to take that fear and doubt and let them
know you won’t fall for their lies anymore. You have to understand that their
shadow will always live with you, but that you choose to focus on the light and
keep that shadow behind you. It will still be a part of where you have been and
what you have been through. You just choose not to have it in front of you, always
between you and your goals or your happiness.
I went through this. Under the very stars I was gazing upon
last night, at some point, I discovered I am stronger than I ever gave myself
credit for. I am mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been. I fell.
I screamed. I picked myself up and fell some more. But each time I picked
myself up and focused on how to stand on my own two feet. And while not always
easy, I had the love and support of my friends and family when I needed it the
most.
It wasn’t easy and at times when I think about it, I am in
awe of myself.
I was blessed to have Christopher in my life. He was a kind
loving man that would run to the ends of world for me and Ethan. I couldn’t
have asked anyone to love me anymore than he did. And yet, next week I will
marry a man whose love is equally as strong as Christopher’s has been. I have been blessed to have both these
great men in my life. There aren’t many people who can say that they have been
love(d) so equally and that both men were brought into their life with such
great meaning.
This has been a journey. One that makes an amazing love
story on so many levels. One that shows strength and perseverance. A story that
movies have tried to copy, but only God under his stars could write.
Today, I am happy. I am in love. I am strong. I took control
of my fears and I am so glad I did. I’ve learned how to take what I’ve learned
over this journey to help others and it has made me see that my journey wasn’t
just for me.
Today, under these very stars I am blesses to have
Christopher and the MusicMan.
