I think I've started this post about a dozen or so times; each start with something different. First, it was about the wedding. Then it was a year long wrap up since I haven't blogged in awhile. Then it was what I learned over the year about myself and this journey. Everything was abandoned due to that I just don't know where to start. I start to write about one part of life and I realize that a greater lesson was learned in another aspect of my life. So where do I start?
This year was crazy with planning the wedding and trying to combine two households, but we got it done (sorta... the house is a work in progress) and the wedding was amazing. I'm so very blessed to have a man in my life who not only respects the journey Ethan and I have been on, but loves us for that journey. He respects the memory of Christopher so much that I have to say if your journey is similar to mine and you are currently dating someone who doesn't respect it; then you should look elsewhere. Your journey is what makes you who you are. It's where most of your strength comes from. Your fears. And sometimes self-doubt. To love you is to love all the parts of you that brought "you" into their lives. Period. No exceptions.
During our wedding the MusicMan and I wrote our vows to each other and to Ethan. My heart soared listening to him promise to Ethan that he would never replace the spot in his heart where his Dad sits, but to pick up where he left off and nurture him into the wonderful man we all know Ethan will grow to be. Let me say - there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
The MusicMan also vowed to me to always help me see in myself what he sees everyday. And that, my friends, is an amazing testament to love. To work each day to ensure that the person your with always sees themselves in the same light you hold them in your heart. It's work, but work that should come with an ebb and flow that pours out from your soul with an ease that takes your breath away. I've been blessed to have this twice in my life.
I learned to love life so fully that at times when I run I think back to all I have done over this year and I'm brought to tears of joy. The MusicMan and I traveled to Aspen to see a friend of his get married around Labor Day. We realized this was our "first real adventure together"; our first trip where neither of us had been. It was new. Exciting. Beautiful. We went for a hike. Got caught in the rain. Ordered Pizza and local beer. We laughed about the cute things Ethan does. Talked about how we should come back. Go skiing. And most importantly...take more adventures! I learned that it was ok to make plans and love life to the fullest.
I spent so much time living one day at time (sometimes one minute at a time) that I forgot what it meant to "plan" something fun and exciting and know that it will happen. It's a feeling I haven't felt in years and I will admit that I reveled in it. Like a lot.
I've watched my little Muppet grow and flourish with each day that passed closer to the wedding. Ethan loves having two Daddies. He finds himself blessed to have/had both these men in his life and to this day I'm still learning from my Muppet. His perspective is eye-opening and at times I feel like he's more in tune with his surroundings than I am. I love that he has "guy" time with the MusicMan. They talk about gross boy stuff (like rat bones in owl pellets... don't ask) and they go out and throw the ball around when the weather is nice. Yes these are all things I did (well I may have toned down the gross conversations). But I've played the part of Mum and Dad and while there will still be times that I need to play both parts, Ethan has a male role model to look upon when he feels like he just can't talk to his mom about "guy stuff".
Laughter in life for me has grown threefold. I remember at one point I didn't find the show "The Family Guy" funny any more and my grief therapist response was "oh, wow. you are depressed." But over the years I learned to laugh at myself, life and the crazy (sometimes interesting) things we can all get ourselves into. The MusicMan and I are the king and queen of one-liner emails that crack us both up (he will laugh just reading this). Life can be funny and we must all learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes.
So with everything I learned in 2013 what does all this mean for 2014? Well I promise to be a better blogger and write more since the wedding is over. I might even get the MusicMan to write a post or two. I've asked him to write about the other side of the journey. What it's like dating someone who has lost a spouse. His spirit and support were and are so inspiring that I think it would be nice to hear from him on his views. As people who grieve we sometimes get carried away in our own hurt that we forget to look around us at the pain of others. Again I think his perspective would be interesting for people to read.
I've made some personal goals for 2014 on the running front and you can read them on my other blog - I won't bore people with all my fitness goals. The MusicMan and I have worked on some new adventures that will happen in 2014. One being a FamilyMoon, a wedding for his cousin, more little weekend trips here and there and I hope we can document it all and share with everyone how a journey like this can turn into something completely beautiful. :)
Pax to you all and to your New Year!
