I took a small challenge of running a 15k (9.3 miles) and pushed that into half-marathon to crossing that finish line with what the next training plan would be...a full marathon. Yes, I literally crossed the finished line, hugged my MusicMan and told him then and there before my legs even stopped; I was doing a full marathon.
I picked the Chicago Marathon for several reasons. The course is flat. From what I have read the crowed is full of amazing energy and you should try to run your first marathon in a different city to help motivate you to do the training. However, with all of that, I picked it for something else. This race will be held on October 12th. For anyone that has followed this blog, October 12th is when Christopher left this mortal plane. Six years after his passing - I am remarried and running a marathon.
Someone recently asked me if I had a spirit animal what would it be? I grinned. Let out a small sigh. "Phoenix," is what I answered. I've always thought of myself as this mythical bird that was engulfed into a fiery abyss of emotions, not knowing what end was up, down and sideways or feeling completely out of control in this new normal life.
Yet out of this fire, I was reborn from the ashes. I am stronger. Physically. Mentally. My own will shocks me at times. The candy coated "d" isn't so sickly sweet and fear doesn't really have a home in my mind anymore. Don't get me wrong - you put a snake, weird bug and/or perfectly placed spider web in my face - you will see the finest "kung-fu-get-out-of-my-way" moves you've ever seen. But for the most part fear doesn't have a place in my heart.
This past week I went for a run and at mile 3 I tripped on the sidewalk and fell. I got up, dusted myself off, saw my skinned knee and shin, the blood coming from it and I just kept going. I had two more miles and this wasn't going to stop me. I've had worse in my life and still managed to push through it. This. THIS was nothing. At mile 4.75 I started to pick up speed and sprint to the end for a strong finish. With just .10 of a mile to go I fell again. This time with enough force that my sun glasses were 3 feet from where I landed, I rolled into the middle of the street. My pride was wounded and had way more scrapes and scratches down my back, elbows, and knees. Both knees are bruised and I have a rather large bruise on one hand and hip where I hit the ground with full force. I limped back to the house.
My MusicMan's soft, yet gentle "oh baby...." with a certain level of fear in his eyes told me I looked just like I felt. He spent part of the evening cleaning all the little scrapes and cuts making sure all the dirt was out of my skin and everything would heal in time for my marathon.
We prayed before we went to sleep that I would heal and that this would not get me down since running might be a challenge these next few days. I went to bed for the first time in a long time with a sense of fear. Had I just ruined my chances for this marathon? Was I going to heal and be ok to ask my body to run 26.2 miles on two knees that feel like they went 10 rounds with a baseball bat? It broke my heart that for the first time in a long time I was afraid and letting fear dwell in my mind. A mind that I spent years forcing out all the little things that scared me and kept me from moving forward. Yet, here it was. It not only made itself home, but was going to sleep in my head.
I spent most of this weekend trying to be positive and fill my thoughts with "no fear lives here." I spent a great deal of time today finding new music to run to that speaks to the "no fear" concept. While surfing the internet for new music I ran across a shirt that I've thought many times of buying but always told myself, "no, you have enough workout clothes". It's a yellow shirt that says "Defy Fear". Not only is this a LiveStrong shirt but I love the message. We should all defy the fear that lives inside of us.
While internet window shopping and looking at this shirt (again), my itunes landed Michelle Chamuel's version of "True Colors." Tears fell.
I realized I am 2 weeks away from running my first marathon. I am 2 weeks from crossing six years that Christopher left this mortal plane. I am 3 weeks from my one year wedding anniversary with my MusicMan. This marathon is nothing compared to where I was six years ago. Sitting across my kitchen table not knowing what would come next and how I would do it.
I've spent several of my early mornings before my long runs looking at that place at my kitchen table where life changed and wishing I could sit across from that woman and take her hand and let her know that she would be happy again. She will find out how life moves forward. It won't be easy, but the journey of self discovery will be an amazing one. I wish I could look into that "d's" eyes and tell her that the darkness she feels will be replaced with light and that her aura will shine with all the colors of the rainbow again. I know that the "d" that sat at that table wouldn't listen to me back then, but sometimes I wish I could have comforted her.
And yet as I thought about how I wish I could comfort that "d" from six years ago - I know the "d" 2 weeks from now would want to sit across from this computer and tell me that this moment that makes you feel so small right now will give you the strength you need to cross that finish line. That my rainbow aura will shine through and all those moments when you thought you couldn't go farther was just that fear that I allowed to live back inside my head for the last few days.
See fear, it's a liar. One big fat liar that will take up residence in the darkest parts of our thoughts and make itself home. It will grab our dreams and taunt them. Tarnish the things we took for granted. Fear is our own worst enemy. Tonight I choose to "Defy Fear." I choose to take this fall, brush off my knees and keep running. I will finish. I will run. I will defy the one thing that scares me right now. I am the one in charge. I am the only one that can show my true colors and the growth that I have made over the last six years. I will overcome this, because in the end I will have two amazing boys at the end of this race waiting for me. Two amazing people who have supported me this last year in a way that I never thought possible. Sometimes in the end - love is all you need. Love and faith in yourself to always.... you got it.... Defy Fear.
