So please bare with me while I trip, stumble and try to gracefully recover while keeping my cool exterior through this post. There have been some things on my mind recently and as a "single" woman. mom, friend, person (whatever you call it) and I feel like I need to put this out there and just get it off my chest. And I know that I might get kick backs, hands raised up in the air, a "Whoa, woman back it up there are two sides to every story", from those in the blog world, but again - that's why I asked you to bare with me - so in good ole "d" fashion... get over it.
Recently my parents came in for a visit and my dad and I had one of his famous "fireside chats". Now let me briefly explain these "fireside" yammers. I coined the term years ago when it dawned on me that when my dad offers you a drink and to sit outside - it's code for "we have to talk". And just as Roosevelt had everyone sitting around their radios waiting on his every last word, you have to sit on the edge of your seat because you never know what my dad is going to want to talk to you about. Did he learn this little tactic from the Army, his job or maybe it's just an Italian thing - who knows, but everyone in the family knows: drink + outside + dad = oy vay). What did we talk about? Well lets just say we had a very real conversation about dating, finances, Ethan and everything falls in between those lines that I'm not comfortable discussing here. It was a dad wanting and trying to look out for his daughter. To prove a point that not everyone in this world is nice and I just need to look out for myself first and foremost.
The conversation raised an eyebrow for me. I knew that the idea of having a relationship would be a difficult concept to navigate. How do you have one with a child. You don't want the child to become attached to the person your just "dating". The idea of Ethan becoming attached and then having that person ripped from him just when he becomes more attached than I; it would be like swallowing bits of broken glass. That's when the idea of living alone till Ethan turned 18 came to mind. Just a thought....
Then I heard from a friend a weekend or two back that her good friend's boyfriend broke up with her over a social networking site (did you follow that one?) This couple had been together for several months, talked of spending their lives together, even having children together, then BAM. The guy just ends it. And the way he ended it - strange for someone in their late 30's. When heard the tail of whoa all I could think about was, "Who does that? What person breaks up with their possible love over a social networking site? Are we in the sixth grade here? Seriously people!!" That's when the idea of living alone for the rest of my life with one or two cats came to mind. I'm just saying...
A few days later I found out that another friend of mind broke it off with his girlfriend of several months because he caught her in some lies and had a feeling that she wanted back with her ex-hubby. He said it had been coming and all the little lies he caught her in over a weekend was enough for him to say "enough is enough". And while he seemed upset, I think he's trying to see the positive in all of it and trying to remain strong. Me on the other hand. My jaw was on the floor and taking a gander at all the dust bunnies. Why do people lie in their relationships? If you don't want to be with someone then why waste their time or yours? That's when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life with 90 cats popped into my head. Hey, I did see a rather moving documentary on "Cat Ladies" on the Lifetime channel - it made a pretty good case for having cats....
In both these relationships my friends "significant others" played them on way or another and in all my dealings with friends/family that have had relationships that end badly; there is somewhere an underling plot of some game played by someone. Does this scare me? Umm yeah, whole new level of vulnerability here. Now here my out. I'm not saying I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship - it just make my beliefs in what I will put up with from someone a little stronger. I am a very giving, loving and caring person and in return I need someone like that back. Someone who accepts not only me, but everything that stands behind me. The pieces of my life where not chosen, nor will they be used as tokens for the playing.
Recently my parents came in for a visit and my dad and I had one of his famous "fireside chats". Now let me briefly explain these "fireside" yammers. I coined the term years ago when it dawned on me that when my dad offers you a drink and to sit outside - it's code for "we have to talk". And just as Roosevelt had everyone sitting around their radios waiting on his every last word, you have to sit on the edge of your seat because you never know what my dad is going to want to talk to you about. Did he learn this little tactic from the Army, his job or maybe it's just an Italian thing - who knows, but everyone in the family knows: drink + outside + dad = oy vay). What did we talk about? Well lets just say we had a very real conversation about dating, finances, Ethan and everything falls in between those lines that I'm not comfortable discussing here. It was a dad wanting and trying to look out for his daughter. To prove a point that not everyone in this world is nice and I just need to look out for myself first and foremost.
The conversation raised an eyebrow for me. I knew that the idea of having a relationship would be a difficult concept to navigate. How do you have one with a child. You don't want the child to become attached to the person your just "dating". The idea of Ethan becoming attached and then having that person ripped from him just when he becomes more attached than I; it would be like swallowing bits of broken glass. That's when the idea of living alone till Ethan turned 18 came to mind. Just a thought....
Then I heard from a friend a weekend or two back that her good friend's boyfriend broke up with her over a social networking site (did you follow that one?) This couple had been together for several months, talked of spending their lives together, even having children together, then BAM. The guy just ends it. And the way he ended it - strange for someone in their late 30's. When heard the tail of whoa all I could think about was, "Who does that? What person breaks up with their possible love over a social networking site? Are we in the sixth grade here? Seriously people!!" That's when the idea of living alone for the rest of my life with one or two cats came to mind. I'm just saying...
A few days later I found out that another friend of mind broke it off with his girlfriend of several months because he caught her in some lies and had a feeling that she wanted back with her ex-hubby. He said it had been coming and all the little lies he caught her in over a weekend was enough for him to say "enough is enough". And while he seemed upset, I think he's trying to see the positive in all of it and trying to remain strong. Me on the other hand. My jaw was on the floor and taking a gander at all the dust bunnies. Why do people lie in their relationships? If you don't want to be with someone then why waste their time or yours? That's when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life with 90 cats popped into my head. Hey, I did see a rather moving documentary on "Cat Ladies" on the Lifetime channel - it made a pretty good case for having cats....
In both these relationships my friends "significant others" played them on way or another and in all my dealings with friends/family that have had relationships that end badly; there is somewhere an underling plot of some game played by someone. Does this scare me? Umm yeah, whole new level of vulnerability here. Now here my out. I'm not saying I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship - it just make my beliefs in what I will put up with from someone a little stronger. I am a very giving, loving and caring person and in return I need someone like that back. Someone who accepts not only me, but everything that stands behind me. The pieces of my life where not chosen, nor will they be used as tokens for the playing.
I am very grateful for the relationship that I had with Christopher. He loved me in all the ways a woman (or man) should be loved. He showed me what a great love was - not could, would, but what was. And while I will never compare anyone to him; everyone is different. I know in my heart the way I should and want to be treated and well; games will not be played or put up with.
So you might be asking why did I write this. Well to be honest. After everything that has transpired this past few weeks it made me even more (insert eyebrow raise) hesitant about what the future holds. I know what I want in my "new normal" of this life that God gave to me, but is the pain and heartache worth it? People can be mean and cruel - and I have to worry about more than just my self now. So; do I or will I be that woman with 90 cats? No. I'm allergic to the little dander balls of fur. I'm just saying....
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