The Tale that Time Tells

So Saturday night I'm cleaning my self up and going out with my girlfriends. Yes it is your typical Girls Night Out or GNO as we like to call it. So what makes this night different that it gets blog post you might ask? Well we are going out to celebrate as one of my friends puts it "celebrating d's awesomeness at surviving her first year". I have to say this makes me giggle, sigh, smile and tear up all at the same time.

I look back to a year ago; I had started working again, I was stressing over how to pull off the five-course Thanksgiving meal I had planned, I started grief sessions with my therapist, the world was on tilt and I wasn't sure if it was going to spin out of control or eventually slow down so I could at least feel my feet under me. Looking back to a year ago and my thought process to the whole situation; thinking that a year from that point seemed so far away and what if this feeling, this physical pain in my heart, didn't go away. What if it was there for the rest of my days and time didn't heal it? One morning during the holidays I got out of the shower and while brushing my hair I saw my one little silver hair that I had always been very proud of. It made it's appearance one week after Christopher went into the hospital; it was physical evidence that I was worried about my love. Then I saw another one, and another one and there was one more. Six in total, all in the same area, all silver in color. I sighed at the sight of my self in the mirror, towel wrapped around me and leaning over the sink to catch a better look at these little silver hairs that I nicknamed my "battle scars".

The funny part is while most women out there would run out and buy a bottle of hair color to cover them up - I loved them. My little proof that what I had been through was enough to turn some of my hair gray - and well not just gray, but silver. A symbolic color in my book that my great sadness had a silver lining if you will. Yeah it's a stretch and really all in the genetic make up your parents I'll give you - but I'm taking it as mine and nothing less than my silver lining. Several month later when I did color my hair I asked my hair dresser if he could color around them and leave them - I got a resounding "NO" - but that's how much it meant to me.

A year ago if I asked my self, "Hey you think you might be up for some girl time with your friends a year from now?" I would have said no, raised an eyebrow, huffed and maybe even thought of a mean, dirty little hand gesture to go with it. But as I recently told a friend... time tells all tales in the light we wish to see them in. Time has afforded me to look back on where I was in life and where I am now. There have been some rather large bumps, hills and valleys along this path, but I made it - still standing with both my feet firmly planted. So my tale of "awesomeness" as my friend puts it is over a year's worth of work. My six little silver hairs remind me that I discovered that I am stronger than I gave myself credit. Understanding that life isn't always fair, but it's all in the peace that you get from knowing that. Acknowledging that the silence we hear that makes us feel alone is only in our head. And finally being conscious of our own needs and not our desires.

So let the celebrating begin! Oh yeah... I have to wait till Saturday. :)

The Games People Play

So please bare with me while I trip, stumble and try to gracefully recover while keeping my cool exterior through this post. There have been some things on my mind recently and as a "single" woman. mom, friend, person (whatever you call it) and I feel like I need to put this out there and just get it off my chest. And I know that I might get kick backs, hands raised up in the air, a "Whoa, woman back it up there are two sides to every story", from those in the blog world, but again - that's why I asked you to bare with me - so in good ole "d" fashion... get over it.

Recently my parents came in for a visit and my dad and I had one of his famous "fireside chats". Now let me briefly explain these "fireside" yammers. I coined the term years ago when it dawned on me that when my dad offers you a drink and to sit outside - it's code for "we have to talk". And just as Roosevelt had everyone sitting around their radios waiting on his every last word, you have to sit on the edge of your seat because you never know what my dad is going to want to talk to you about. Did he learn this little tactic from the Army, his job or maybe it's just an Italian thing - who knows, but everyone in the family knows: drink + outside + dad = oy vay). What did we talk about? Well lets just say we had a very real conversation about dating, finances, Ethan and everything falls in between those lines that I'm not comfortable discussing here. It was a dad wanting and trying to look out for his daughter. To prove a point that not everyone in this world is nice and I just need to look out for myself first and foremost.

The conversation raised an eyebrow for me. I knew that the idea of having a relationship would be a difficult concept to navigate. How do you have one with a child. You don't want the child to become attached to the person your just "dating". The idea of Ethan becoming attached and then having that person ripped from him just when he becomes more attached than I; it would be like swallowing bits of broken glass. That's when the idea of living alone till Ethan turned 18 came to mind. Just a thought....

Then I heard from a friend a weekend or two back that her good friend's boyfriend broke up with her over a social networking site (did you follow that one?) This couple had been together for several months, talked of spending their lives together, even having children together, then BAM. The guy just ends it. And the way he ended it - strange for someone in their late 30's. When heard the tail of whoa all I could think about was, "Who does that? What person breaks up with their possible love over a social networking site? Are we in the sixth grade here? Seriously people!!" That's when the idea of living alone for the rest of my life with one or two cats came to mind. I'm just saying...

A few days later I found out that another friend of mind broke it off with his girlfriend of several months because he caught her in some lies and had a feeling that she wanted back with her ex-hubby. He said it had been coming and all the little lies he caught her in over a weekend was enough for him to say "enough is enough". And while he seemed upset, I think he's trying to see the positive in all of it and trying to remain strong. Me on the other hand. My jaw was on the floor and taking a gander at all the dust bunnies. Why do people lie in their relationships? If you don't want to be with someone then why waste their time or yours? That's when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life with 90 cats popped into my head. Hey, I did see a rather moving documentary on "Cat Ladies" on the Lifetime channel - it made a pretty good case for having cats....

In both these relationships my friends "significant others" played them on way or another and in all my dealings with friends/family that have had relationships that end badly; there is somewhere an underling plot of some game played by someone. Does this scare me? Umm yeah, whole new level of vulnerability here. Now here my out. I'm not saying I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship - it just make my beliefs in what I will put up with from someone a little stronger. I am a very giving, loving and caring person and in return I need someone like that back. Someone who accepts not only me, but everything that stands behind me. The pieces of my life where not chosen, nor will they be used as tokens for the playing.

I am very grateful for the relationship that I had with Christopher. He loved me in all the ways a woman (or man) should be loved. He showed me what a great love was - not could, would, but what was. And while I will never compare anyone to him; everyone is different. I know in my heart the way I should and want to be treated and well; games will not be played or put up with.

So you might be asking why did I write this. Well to be honest. After everything that has transpired this past few weeks it made me even more (insert eyebrow raise) hesitant about what the future holds. I know what I want in my "new normal" of this life that God gave to me, but is the pain and heartache worth it? People can be mean and cruel - and I have to worry about more than just my self now. So; do I or will I be that woman with 90 cats? No. I'm allergic to the little dander balls of fur. I'm just saying....

Living Strong for Those Around You

So this post was suppose to be about me going through my first milestone twice, how I did it, what I learned from it, etc. But as you all know from my last post, my friend Deanna (the woman who takes the awesome photos of Ethan that I rave about) is going through something that I don't wish on anyone.

Back in Feb of this year her dad went in to have a tumor removed from his brain. While the tumor wasn't cancerous, there was still a growth on his brain and near (or on - I can't remember it's been so long ago) the brain stem. Her family found a doctor who was willing to remove the tumor, surgery was set and everyone involved went in with hope and faith that the tumor would be removed, her dad would get moved into rehab and all would be right with the world.

That's where hope started and possibly ended. After the surgery there was news of strokes, fluid not draining, more surgeries, more waiting, more MRI's, more more more of everything they never dreamed of. And now they are in a catch 22. He has to get better so he can go to rehab so he can learn to swallow, if he can't learn to swallow, he will always get pneumonia and well possibly..... you know....

This news saddens me deeply and moves me on a whole other level. Sometimes in life we are faced with a choice; to do what is right and what is easy.... It would be so easy for me to say I can't deal with this situation and walk away from my friend. That the subject matter is too close to my own. But I can't. She is my friend. And I feel helpless for her. I have prayed that God give me the wisdom to do what is right for her and her family and that I am given the knowledge to know what to say and when. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and have all the answers, but my answers flow easier down my face than they do in my mind sometimes.

I know that to be a good friend means being there for her when ever she needs anything and I will always be there for her. For whatever she needs, help with her kids, her house, meals, I'm there for her. I have prayed that her dad have the strength to fight this and move past all this; for this to be nothing more than a fleeting memory. And I pray for my friend, the she find that strength and peace that got her through these last few months and channel it to help her through this; and that she will be able to withstand the negative destructiveness of outsiders and deal with her dad's situation with minimal interference from those that would harm her.

I would just like everyone who reads this to stop and take a moment and please send good thoughts to my friend and her family.

Prayers for Deanna and her family

Everyone out there who reads this blog, please take a moment and pray for my friend Deanna and her dad. Back in Feb of this year her dad went in to have a tumor on his brain removed and has been in the hospital ever since. There have been complications left and right and now things are not looking so good.

Please pray that her Dad be given the strength needed to get well. Please pray for Deanna to have the wisdom to tackle anything that is thrown her way. And also please pray for Deanna's Dad's wife - that she find peace with whatever might happen.

This is such a good loving family, they need our support, love, prayers and good thoughts right now. Please take a moment.....