Happy Birthday to My Muppet

Today my sweet little boy you came into this world just a little before 10pm. I never thought I could feel the boundless sense of joy that you brought into mine and your daddy's world with just a blink of your eyes. You have done so much growing up over these past four years; to sit down and explain them all to you would take me days, for I would want to explain them in only the way I know how. Through my words of feelings that come from my heart and expounded on by my soul.

Today marks a not-so-magical day of when you life will begin to pass with more days with out your dad than days you got to spend with him. It's not fair my Muppet that I got to spend so much time with him and you didn't. It's unfavorable that people who spent more time with your dad than any of us never really got to see him as who he really was; a wonderful, gentle and caring man. I cannot make promises to you that this life God has put in front of us will get better; that the balances of fate will swing in our direction. I won't always be able to give you what your heart desires, but what I can do is make sure your heart is filled with immeasurable love from me and those that love you. And that gift is greater than any toy or material thing money can buy.

I can promise you that there won't be a second, nothing more than a blink of an eye, that will go by and you won't know that I am proud of you. Those words will flow off my lips as easily as "Ciao Bella" does for you. You only need to look in my eyes to see all the love I hold in there for you. The world is filled with endless possibilities for you and to be honest as your mom, yes I have my own set of dreams and hopes for you, but none as strong as the hope that you keep that wonderful little laugh. That little laugh that is purely intoxicating. It comes from your soul and radiates effortlessly to those around you. One can't help but feel the creation of a warm smile come over their face with that your wonderful sense of joy in what life has to offer you.

Ethan, my Muppet, my joy, you fill my life with such a glow I can't help but thank your daddy for helping in creating such a wonderful little man. You truly made some of my rougher days easier with everything there is about you. From the care and warmth in your eyes, to the wit in your belly and the sarcasm in your brow, you see the world in a technicolor dreamscape that some of us can only imagine what it's like to see the world the way you do. You have a zest for music, a wildly creative imagination and most of all such a giving heart. I could sit here and plead that you don't lose sight of any of that; but I don't have too. I know you won't. You my son are a very free spirit; something you get from both your parents, and with that I know you will always find comfort in anything you do, joy in anything your heart takes you and peace in knowing you do the things you do for you and not for the world that sits quietly around you.

I love you Muppet. Happy 4th birthday.

Mommy

How Do You Explain...

Several months ago while making dinner and Ethan sitting joyfully at our kitchen island coloring to his little heart's content he turned to me and said, "hey mommy?"

"Yes Muppet?" I replied without even thinking of might come from his mouth neither less his head.

"Can I have a brother? I want a brother." bounced quickly from his mouth and a second later I dropped whatever it was that I had in my hand. My mind raced with "how in hell am I suppose to answer this" and "how do I explain to a child who is barely three that his chances for a little brother or sister were slim and none."

Don't get me wrong, one of the things that I hold in my heart and hope for is to have more children of my own. However, several factors are not on my side. Age being one of them. So to be honest I recently let the hold I had on that hope loosen after a talk with my own mum. It was hard to let go of this hope because it meant that the life that I had always planed and dreamed of wasn't the plan that God, The Universe (whatever it is you believe in) had in store for me. And that was heart breaking. It made me wish that I could go back in time and remember what it was like to feel Ethan move around in belly, to remember that joy that came with knowing that I was carrying around a wonderful little gift.

But that's life; you can't go backwards, and sometimes my memories seem so far away from me that it's hard to pull them forward in my mind to swim around and revel in. So I sat there thinking about all of this, I was brought back to reality with a simple, "Mommy can we go to the store and get a brother?"

"Huh? What?" If only it was that easy to run to the local Target, Walmart or Kroger and go to the sibling aisle and just pick one off the shelf. I tried my best that night to explain that life wasn't that easy and not everything we want comes from Costco or the store.

I stared into those big brown eyes of my muppet and tried to see if I was getting my point across and what I saw were tears that filled up both our eyes. Ethan's understanding that he can't have a brother or sister and mine in aspect that the one part of my life that I had always hoped for from when I was young would become the one dream I will never get to have. The thoughts that there are people in the world that with the drop of a hat are blessed with 3, 4 sometimes even more children and those small lives where never in their plans and dreams and yet they had them.

I tried to explain that there are people in our lives who are not family by relations, but over time become our family due to the relationship we have with them. But to have someone so small understand this was something that I should have known he wouldn't understand. It broke my heart as if a spade was thrust into my heart and tip broken off. Later that night I cried and prayed that Ethan be given the understanding of everything I had explained to him.

Those prayers have not yet been answered and Ethan's question for a sibling came to me daily for almost a month after that. Then he went down to once a week and up until two weeks ago he hadn't brought it up for almost two months. Then while driving in the car I got the, "Hey Mommy?..."

And on the way to school this morning he explained to me in great detail how this friend had a brother and then there was this other friend of his that has a brother; so "mommy, you just not looking in the right place." I felt as if someone reached in, grabbed my heart and while pulling it out; yanked a little bit of my soul out with it. The idea of explaining to someone so tiny that his wish that he dreams about might not come true and he just has to understand that the life we were given doesn't even start out in his favor is gut wrenching.

I have to say I'm getting better about explaining it. But it just doesn't make it any easier....

My Perception of Me, Myself & I

Shortly after I turned 29 one of the most wonderful things happened to me; Ethan was brought into this world. I remember even after twelve hours of labor and two hours of pushing; I sat in my hospital room thinking this was the one of the most euphoric moments in my life (and no it wasn’t from the drugs the hospital gave me). While holding something so tiny I pondered how great this life was that I was living. I had a loving and wonderful husband that with just the way he looked at me was enough to melt my heart, then there was this little boy that made me feel as though I glowed from the inside out, and all I could think about was – if this is what it’s like to be 29, how great will my 30’s be.

I guess maybe I opened my mouth (or mind I should say) too soon or proved that was some validity behind the statement “watch what you (don’t) wish for” than one would have thought. Shortly before my 30’th birthday, I was greeted with the words, “It’s cancer.” Then spent my birthday caring for a strong man who could barely get around the house because he just had 8” of his insides removed. I honestly spent the week of my birthday wishing that this was all a dream and I would wake up to find that the world had gone back to the techno-color dreaminess I was used to. But it didn’t.

On my 31^st birthday Christopher and I traveled back from Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Tulsa with word that his doctors were doing everything they could and we left there feeling good about everything. I remember vividly sitting outside of doctor’s offices waiting for Christopher to get his tests. This little white computer in my lap and my fingers feverishly typing away everything that we knew on the blog for our friends and family back home who were constantly clicking “refresh” in the hopes that this trip might lead us to something that just might be a breakthrough. It was just a few months after that that I got the phone call that changed everything and the realization that I would became a widow and that I had barely lived three decades.

My first birthday with Christopher gone, I turned the same age that he was when we found out he had cancer. To say that my mind raced as I tried to put myself in his shoes; how I could handle news like that? And well lets just say that a new found respect was found in the deepest inner most parts of my soul for Christopher and the brave face he put on daily.

This year (Tuesday to be exact), if you do the math, I will turn the same age that Christopher was when he passed away. To say that I have spent allot of time thinking about allot of different things would be an oversimplification of what has really been bouncing around in that head of mine. To be honest, I don’t think there has been a time when I have allowed my mind to rest long enough to even fully get to REM sleep. I have thought long and hard about whom I am, what I want in life, what this life wants from me and how can I do all of it while keeping a smile on face.

In this process of trying to mentally work out everything in my head that has rolled around in there for the last three years I have come to understand and contemplate the statement of “Me, Myself & I”. Some might say this is a very narcissistic thing to say, but let me explain how I came to this statement or at the very least my perception of this statement.

Lets start with “Me”. I define “me” as the “d” before word of the cancer. The happy-go-lucky woman who saw all beauty in this world through the rose colored glasses of pure bliss. The woman who thought that all situations turn out for the better; even if it didn’t go the way I expected them to go. I was the person who would spend hours listening to her friends’ problems and issues and just hoped and prayed that I could give them advice that found them comfort. I was overly self confident in everything that I did. The world was my oyster and no one could take it away.

Then came the word of cancer and so did the next phase of who I became; “Myself”. Why do I call it this? Well for almost the opposite reason one would think. Most people would think that with news like your loved one has cancer they would turn to themselves on the inside and start to debate what does this mean for them, their family. Me on the other hand; well I was a little different. I started to think about how could I make life easier on Christopher, what could I do for Ethan to help him understand why his dad had tubes running into him every two weeks. Myself was the last person I thought of. I let myself go because I put the needs of others in my family above completely myself. I never really did my hair, make-up in the morning was always a last minute thing and the only reason I put it on was for work and even then it was haphazard.

One of my most profound thoughts when I found out Christopher was going to die was, “What do I do now?” I spent the last 18 months taking care of everything and if I didn’t have Christopher to take care of; then, well, what do I do? When there is no one to call in the mornings to make sure they are awake and out the door for work or doctor appointments, or to make sure that meds where taken in the right order and times, what do I do with those random minutes in the day? Where do I focus that energy?

That’s when I started to discover, “I”; the phase life that I am in now. It’s the balance of everything that fell between “me” and “myself”. It’s the “d” that is starting to feel like life is her oyster again and yet I am still focused on taking care of a little man that was brought into my life almost four years ago. I try to spend an hour, at the least, a week to try and read up on new cancer treatments. I follow what the government passes and not passes in the fight against cancer with insurance companies. I plan all Ethan’s meals with the mindset that I am being proactive in his diet (being that there is a link to colon cancer and a diet high in fat). But most of all, I’m also doing things for me that make me happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are times during this transition that I would think I have all this sorted out in my mind’s little cubbies and my feet completely planted firmly in how I feel about everything this life has brought to me and Ethan. Then there is always something that seems to shove with the greatest of force to knock me off balance. But I have always found a way to pick myself up off the ground, dust off my soul, raise an eyebrow and get a little tougher skin against the happenstance of life’s occurrences.

The way I look at life and the hopes and dreams that I hold in my heart is what makes the rain fall a little lighter upon my head. The words and feelings that are expressed here sometimes change the way people look at the world and that warms my heart that the loss of a great man wasn’t in vein. This world that I entered into on an October morning is and will always be new to me no matter how much time has passed, I will always feel as though there is a long way to go and sometimes I might even feel as though everything is just a false start.

There will be times that I feel that everything is over my head, but I will do more than my best not to show the world that those moments seem to over take what it means to be me. I was meant for this path, journey, for something – it has a reason and I just have to let this path lead me. I will always try to go where life takes me even when there are days that I want to stand in my tracks and run in the opposing direction with all the speed that my legs will take me.

Yes even now after all this time, there will still be days that are lonely, crazy, sad and filled with anxiety, but this is all just a matter of my perception. My grief is emblematic of the deep love that I hold in my heart not only for a great man but the path that it has taken to get here. As long as I am real and true to my self, love will always fill my heart no matter who is and isn’t in my life because in the end I know that this three year path of self-discovery has lead me to become a better person, a better friend, and has put me on a path that I fully embrace. I am truly blessed to know, understand and accept everything there is to know about “Me, Myself & I”.

My First Question Answered

I'm happy to say I got my first question and like I said in the post before all questions will be answered with honesty and no sugar-coating. So here we go...

Question:

Why do you want to keep writing about Christopher... I know he's inseparable part of you but isn't it the time to let him go... Doesn't he stop you from looking forward to much more that is there to life?

Answer:

To be honest I'm really happy this was my first question for several reasons, one being that this is a topic that crosses my mind daily and there really isn't an empty part of my thoughts that I don't ponder, "will I ever stop writing about Christopher?"

I knew there would be some non-magical time when the posts that talked about Christopher would become less and less and would be replaced with tales about the strides in mine and Ethan's life. I figured my posts would slowly change to be about the trails and tribulations of single parenthood. Maybe one day I might even write about, dare I say, how it feels to possibly love someone else? Or at the very least my own mental struggles of trying to love someone else and the struggles of trying to fit everyone in my heart equally.

The day I started writing again after Christopher passed away I thought I would only write for a month or two. I figured people would get bored of a 30 something woman who rambles on about the loss of her husband. Then one day my grief therapist asked me if I had ever journaled? I think I let out a little sigh and said, "I have this blog. Sorta. Not really." In my mind I had already shut down the blog; no more post ever to be written (unless some family member contacted me to see how Ethan and I were doing). Then my therapist suggested that I keep writing, not for my family, but for myself and most of all Ethan. In a way to channel all my thoughts and feelings to paper so that one day I could share them with Ethan.

One of the topics that runs rampant through my mind (and soul) is how do I balance Christopher in Ethan's life. Ethan knows that Christopher is gone, he's not shy about telling people all the time that "his daddy is in heaven" or "with the flowers". He visually knows Christopher by photos as well; often times walking up to photos in the house, pointing with vigor and declaring that "this is daddy and that is mommy". But to be honest with myself, this is all he will ever remember of Christopher. I can hope and pray till the prayer beads have nothing left to them that Ethan will remember more than just two second visual snip-its of his dad's life; but I would almost be praying for a lost cause knowing that Ethan was just a hair over two when Christopher left this mortal plain.

So I have had to make some rather tough choices over these past 20 months; ones that keep my mind restless in thought almost 24/7. When do I talk about Christopher, how do I talk about him with Ethan and what is ok to share and not share and when should this sharing happen? One of the things that was very clear to me from the beginning was that Ethan and I would be on opposing ends of the grief scale slowly moving towards each other and at some point (later in life), our paths in this journey would cross. There would come a time in Ethan's life when he doesn't understand why his dad is gone. This would be crossed with a time and place where I would have dealt with my own grief and could take all the time this world had to offer us to go through all of Ethan's questions, un-understandings and fears and work through them one by one. I could be the strong parent Ethan would need during this time and more importantly I would be in a place to sympathize with his emotions clearly, yet calmly all the while showing him the love and support he would need to work through what it was he was feeling.

So I tried, the best I could, to document my feelings and my own mental revelations if you will for him to read one day. All at his own pace and when he was ready. But I also wanted an underlining theme to what he read; I wanted him to see that his dad is with us all the time. My hopes were that these random posts would be read and Ethan would gain the hidden meaning that Christopher's memory is carried around in our hearts, the glimmer of our eyes and never really forgotten. I've always wanted Ethan to know not only who his dad was through photos but who was as a man, husband and father in my own words as the woman who was touched by his gentle nature, his caring heart and loving support. I wanted Ethan to understand what a great man his dad was and how he wanted the world for the both of us and yet even though he's not with us physically; he still betters our lives through how he effects our heart. To learn how to take that fire that always resided in Christopher's heart to better himself and learn how to harness it so that we can continuously challenge ourselves to reach out to those around us and to become better people for those around us who need it more.

So in a nut shell after all of that, I continue to write about Christopher for Ethan. I write so that one day when he starts to question everything around him (which I'm sure he will) I can show him that he's wasn't the only one that went through the questions, doubts and fears, but that I had the memory of a great man to fall back on when I felt really lost.

Will this cause me to struggle as I try to move forward in life? Yes it will; I won't lie. I'm pretty sure of it. I know that I will have a tight wire act to practice where I try find a balance in trying to keep Christopher's memory alive for Ethan and yet be able to focus on any new possible relationships that might come my way. I know that all relationships are different and while I might find someone that shares the same spirit for life that Christopher did; this person will be different and learning to accept those differences is one that I try to mentally prepare myself for. But then again, that's the beauty of this life, as people we continue to grow and learn more about ourselves and that inspires me to continue to try and move forward.