4 Years Later. My Advice to Myself.

Four years ago my life and that of my family changed with one little phone call. One little worry that haunted in the back of my head; which turned into an epic moment that while parts are a blur, I still have my moments of clarity that sometimes still haunt my daydreams through to my nightmares. 

In less than 5 minutes I was told that the one I love(d) would die. That the child who slumbered so peacefully above my head in his crib would grow up not knowing his father and that I at the age of 31 would feel the sting of burring my husband and struggle with the new responsibility and title of "single mom". This was a day that, while was always a possibility, I never let wander into my head for more than a minute or two. Why? Because the emotions that were chained to that thought were heavy, daunting and unspeakable in my sutto happy-go-lucky life. Simply; I didn't think I was strong enough to handle them. Yet, here I was. Forced to let that emotion not only sit for more than the allot wait time, but what would feel like an eternity in my soul. 

Little did I know that four years later while driving into work I would look back on where I was and how far I've come. At stop lights, as music ran through my head and wrapped around my daydreams would I realize how much I've truly grown and changed. How, to be honest, I am not the same person I was 4 (or even 5) years ago. While there are certain basics values instilled in me that hasn't changed; my overall view of allot is no where near the same. I'm the same person, only I've learned to take that tough exterior that kept me safe from ever feeling joy and happiness has soften and the cracks have allowed this sandpaper like me be wore down.

I'm still "d". Fun loving. Overly sarcastic at times. Loving. Compassionate. Mothering. Friend. Artist. I still love to dye my hair weird colors and  wonder through my daydreams of a world where I just might live in my own dream-able Hogwarts. I still love to sit in art exhibits and ponder over how the artist came to the painting that sits before me. Was it something they passed everyday and felt compelled to save it's imagery for generations to see? Or was it something more mystical? Something that spoke to them on a level that only they would understand and no matter how much I ever gaze upon the strokes of paint I will never grasp their reasons as to "why this moment in time?"

I am still that "d" that finds the secret to life (for me) can be found in the little moments of life that others might let slip by without taking two seconds to enjoy them. Sipping a warm cup of coffee while I walk my muppet to school. Watching Ethan's face as he catches me trying to sneak up on him when I pick him up from his after school program. Listening to the sweet sound of Ethan's voice as he expresses randomly and exponentially how cool something was at school. The way Ethan drops his head when something is bothering him and only I know what that means. It's in those little moments watching Ethan's team soccer play a game and he turns to find me in the crowd and holds up his little fingers to tell me the score with his sheepish little grin. It's in those little moments when I read his bed time story and he curls up next to me and I can hear his little heart beat as he sighs his loving little sighs. 

I am still the "d" that wants her life to be filled with great memories. A life with little moments that not only remind me of who I am, where I came from, but what I hold in my heart to be true in my values and faith. A life filled with love, light and happiness. Life filled with a balance of everything this world has to offer me. 

However, with all that hasn't changed; allot has. And not because I wanted it to, or needed to, but I changed as life changed with me. I challenged my faith; had conversations with God that will always and only between him and I. I grew stronger in what I know, believe and call my faith. I am a woman of God who puts her life in his hands and yet also knows that God helps those who work to help themselves because they give themselves to him. He can show us a path; but it's up to ourselves to choose to walk that path; learning and living rather than complaining about the speed bumps along the way. 

I am the woman who found that dating and putting yourself out there isn't worth it with the wrong man. Then there is the friend who you have grown to know, become best friends, care about, then love. The friend that was there to listen as a complete stranger as I explained how everything happened in my life and reminds me of the moments in life that helped bring me to who I am today. The stranger that became a friend, then a best friend, and now someone that life holds a new adventure and meaning. Finding that life can have balance between two men that are held in a heart that I didn't think could grow and yet has expanded over time to hold both so close. 

I am "d". I am strong. Loving. Ever changing and yet remaining stead fast with everything I hold to be true that makes me, me. I can look back on life now and say, "Look where I came from. Look what I've done over these four years. Look at how with all the struggle, I worked to keep my head healed high." I am the person that if I could go back four years ago I would take that "d" that had crumbled to the floor and pick her up. I would force her to look at me and I would tell her this,

"You are stronger than you know. Right now feels like the end of the world and right now, it is. It's the close of something that you hold so dear and cherish with all your heart. But it's not the end. 

You have the most wonderful little boy who will lift you up when your down; I promise. His little smile will bring a level of joy back to your heart that you thought might never come back. But it will come back; over time. 

While you will struggle with friendship; they are still your friends and in time they will grow with you. They don't understand certain moments in your life, but that is because they have never gone through what you will go through. You will make it through this. 

There will be ups. There will be downs. There will battlegrounds that leave your knees bloody from praying so hard for things to change; for life to get easier and that physical pain that is held in your heart to subside. But it will. You will fight for it. And it might not feel worth the fight; but it will be. You will no longer be that girl that sits at the curb waiting for life to hand you what it holds for you. You will be the one that lights her path with a gallon of gas and a match stick. There will no more be waiting, you will take charge of all of your emotions and know what it feels like to feel in control again.

You will learn to love again and that man will respect you, Christopher and Ethan. He will be the one that opens your eyes to the fact that you and Ethan aren't the package deal like you thought you were - it's you, Ethan and Christopher. That man's love will show you what's it like to want to look forward and not down. His family will guide you in how you could only dream of being accepted by those around you who just a generation before went through something similar. That family will open your eyes in more ways than years of therapy will ever help. 

But besides all this - you will have to want to fight for all of it - and you will. At times you will think certain battles are lost while others you come out swinging. You will be amazed just how far you will come in life and in your own personal strengths. You will again know what it's like to love life from the inside out again. Just know. Four years later… you are ok."

Clarity

In life, we all have that one topic that keeps our minds running in circles. Bouncing from one thought to the other. Always wondering in the back of our mind if we are over thinking the random snippets of thought or possibly just too lazy to care (or too scared to make a choice that just might impact our lives). I promise you everyone does it. On some level or another, it happens at some point in our lives. From "should I eat in or out?" To "is this choice that I make for myself and/or my child the right one?"

A few months ago, Ethan turned 6. A big whopping, needs-two-hands-to-show-you-how-old-he-is, SIX. (Can I just say where did the time go?) This year's theme was Angry Birds and I was informed by the Angry Bird Master himself (aka Ethan) that I happen to have designed his invite with a sub-par Pig and Yellow Bird…. Sigh, everyone is a critic…. But I digress. This birthday was not only special to Ethan but for me as well. This year we got to celebrate Ethan's birthday with Christopher's Aunt V!

Now for those who don't know the family dynamic; Christopher's mother who passed away had two sisters, V & S. For the sake of this post and for my own personal reasons, we will just call them V & S. Both of these beautiful women did the readings at our wedding and Aunt V did Christopher's eulogy. These two women were the closest thing Christopher had to family that made him feel the way one should feel with family: loved and special to be a part of their lives. They never asked for anything, nor did they ever expect anything from us but our love. These two women meant more to Christopher than I think they will ever know.

A little over a year go Christopher's Aunt S passed away. To say it was tragic was an understatement. There had been so much loss in the family already between the two sisters that my heart broke into a million pieces. I was left speechless, unsure as to what to do or what to say. I coped with it the best I could, but I won't lie, losing her was hard and brought back a lot of memories of emotional upheaval I felt when Christopher passed. Most of all I knew this would be hard on Aunt V. Her last sister gone. Just makes me sad as I sit here and type this post.

But I was blessed and elated when Aunt V asked if she could come down for Ethan's birthday. I was so excited to see her again being that the last time I saw her was at Christopher's funeral and I was even more excited for her to see Ethan who had grown up a lot in the last 4 years. I couldn't wait for her to see his little personality and how much at times he reminds me of Christopher. But I was also scared. Scared that things would get brought up that I had made my mind up on and wasn't planning on moving from my stance. Other than a few emails and phone calls here and there, we didn't really talk about the other side of Christopher's family dynamic and the choices I had made on that front. I was worried that she might have talked to said parties in question and was going to lecture me on how wrong I was or what I should do instead. Or was she going to side with me and support me in my choices? Would she find the man I'm dating repulsive? Or think he's nice? Would she think that I'm too strict with Ethan or not strict enough?

Yes, my mind floated in and out of all the possibilities that one could possibly think of (and I even think I thought of some some people would never think of). It's just sort of how my mind works - think of all possible scenarios and work every plan of attack from that point on. It's exhausting and I'm seriously trying not to be so anal with my thoughts when it comes to this aspect of my life - but then again it's the only way I know to protect myself emotionally. Sad to say.

I picked Aunt V up at the airport and my heart skipped a beat. It was so good to see her and see her smile. We talked the whole way home without stopping about what is going on in my life, in hers and her kids. It was like those 4 years that had passed didn't exist. She bonded with Ethan quickly and he to her. They had so much fun spending time together and bonding over playground and pool antics that it warmed my heart to see Ethan connect to her so quickly.

After Ethan's party (which turned out amazing if I do say so myself) on the last day before Aunt V had to leave she and I went out to see Christopher. We drove out and sat next to his grave and talked for a few hours. We shared our fears, regrets and hopes. She talked about all the things she wished she would have done differently for Christopher and I shared how much he loved and admired his Aunts. We talked about the topics I was afraid might come up and she supported me in my choices and told me that as a Mom she knew that what I was doing was right.

We talked about the man I am dating and how my love for him would never be exactly the same as the love I have/had for Christopher. But that the new love in my heart, while it felt different, was equally as vast and just as comforting. She talked about her own life and how while she didn't lose a spouse to death, she understood the struggles of moving forward in life. She commented on how proud she was of me for everything that I have done for Ethan and in my life - keeping Christopher's memory alive and yet still moving forward with life.

In the passing days after she left, I started to question this little part of me that has always been in the back of my mind. Balance. How do I gracefully balance the life I had with one man that I cared so deeply for with this new man whom each day my feelings grow stronger? How do I respect both equally? Was I really doing the great job that Aunt V said I was doing? Or was I just fooling myself? It's a question that pops up from time to time in my mind and just sits there. Circling around like a shark to it's prey waiting for the right moment to attack the mental swimming's that float in my head.

Then while Ethan was on the start of his vacation with my parents the Music Man and I had had a conversation one night about our grandparents and how much they meant to us; how much our lives were shaped by who they were. Shortly after that with no Muppet to worry about Music Man called me and asked if I wanted to take a short little drive to visit his Grandfather's grave. He hadn't been there in almost eight years and after our conversation he felt the urge to go. So we did.

The drive took a little over and hour and we talked the whole way about all the great memories we had with our Grandparents and shared funny little stories. When we got to the cemetery the Music Man was unsure of where the grave actually was. He told me to look for his Grandfather's name and how he would be next to the grave of a man named "so and so". My first thought was; funny how he can remember the name of the guy his grandfather is buried next to, but not where his grandfather is buried?"

After walking around and looking for a good 30 minutes we found his grandfather. I placed a flower that I had brought from my backyard and placed it on his marker. As I looked to the right I saw the other head stone of his neighbor with the name we were suppose to look for as well. As I looked at the birth and death date I realized how young this other man was when he died. Maybe 27 at the most. As my mind drifted with how sad it was that this other man lost his life at 27; my thoughts were interrupted.

"That was my Grandmother's first husband," said the Music Man.

I turned and looked him with what I'm sure was the most questioning and confused look.

"They are buried side-by-side?" I asked.

"Yeah."

We soon left and I started to realize how eye opening this trip was for me. It was God's (the Universe, whatever it is you believe in) way of giving me a nudge. Pushing me through all those mental road blocks that I had put in my mind for my thoughts and emotions to trip over. Here was a woman who lost her husband, had a young child, and move forward with her life. Here was a woman who had so much balance in her life that the two men she love(d) and adore(d) are buried side-by-side. Equals. Equals in love and stature. This moment in my life was eye-opening, inspiring and just what I needed.  

After we left there we went out and grabbed a bite to eat and beer. I explained to the Music Man that while I knew this trip was for him; I some how felt like it was for me as well. It was the visual explanation that I needed to help me that life does have balance. The only person keeping me from that balance is myself.

Dating is hard. Dating being a widow is even harder. You second guess yourself all the time. Am I doing the right thing for my child? For myself? Is this the person I want to be a role model for my child? And the answer always boils down to this. As long as you have balance and know that in your heart this person fits your values, respects your memories of those gone, supports you in every way that challenges you to always be a better person and in return you do the same for them; then yes, you are doing the right thing. You are with the right person. You have found that balance that life needs and sometimes you just have to step back and see it from a different set of eyes.

I needed that talk with Aunt V to help me understand that to keep life moving forward I needed to forgive myself for my mental mishaps and challenge myself to push through the random hunting's of my mind. I needed to be there for the Music Man to see that in his life his Grandmother found a balance between the man that was taken so quickly and the man that everyone called Granddad. I needed to see that here was a family that accepts that their life was a little different and respects that God put them on this path. I needed to see all of this. I thank God everyday that he gave me those days and the clarity to understand them. Pax.