In less than 5 minutes I was told that the one I love(d) would die. That the child who slumbered so peacefully above my head in his crib would grow up not knowing his father and that I at the age of 31 would feel the sting of burring my husband and struggle with the new responsibility and title of "single mom". This was a day that, while was always a possibility, I never let wander into my head for more than a minute or two. Why? Because the emotions that were chained to that thought were heavy, daunting and unspeakable in my sutto happy-go-lucky life. Simply; I didn't think I was strong enough to handle them. Yet, here I was. Forced to let that emotion not only sit for more than the allot wait time, but what would feel like an eternity in my soul.
Little did I know that four years later while driving into work I would look back on where I was and how far I've come. At stop lights, as music ran through my head and wrapped around my daydreams would I realize how much I've truly grown and changed. How, to be honest, I am not the same person I was 4 (or even 5) years ago. While there are certain basics values instilled in me that hasn't changed; my overall view of allot is no where near the same. I'm the same person, only I've learned to take that tough exterior that kept me safe from ever feeling joy and happiness has soften and the cracks have allowed this sandpaper like me be wore down.
I'm still "d". Fun loving. Overly sarcastic at times. Loving. Compassionate. Mothering. Friend. Artist. I still love to dye my hair weird colors and wonder through my daydreams of a world where I just might live in my own dream-able Hogwarts. I still love to sit in art exhibits and ponder over how the artist came to the painting that sits before me. Was it something they passed everyday and felt compelled to save it's imagery for generations to see? Or was it something more mystical? Something that spoke to them on a level that only they would understand and no matter how much I ever gaze upon the strokes of paint I will never grasp their reasons as to "why this moment in time?"
I am still that "d" that finds the secret to life (for me) can be found in the little moments of life that others might let slip by without taking two seconds to enjoy them. Sipping a warm cup of coffee while I walk my muppet to school. Watching Ethan's face as he catches me trying to sneak up on him when I pick him up from his after school program. Listening to the sweet sound of Ethan's voice as he expresses randomly and exponentially how cool something was at school. The way Ethan drops his head when something is bothering him and only I know what that means. It's in those little moments watching Ethan's team soccer play a game and he turns to find me in the crowd and holds up his little fingers to tell me the score with his sheepish little grin. It's in those little moments when I read his bed time story and he curls up next to me and I can hear his little heart beat as he sighs his loving little sighs.
I am still the "d" that wants her life to be filled with great memories. A life with little moments that not only remind me of who I am, where I came from, but what I hold in my heart to be true in my values and faith. A life filled with love, light and happiness. Life filled with a balance of everything this world has to offer me.
However, with all that hasn't changed; allot has. And not because I wanted it to, or needed to, but I changed as life changed with me. I challenged my faith; had conversations with God that will always and only between him and I. I grew stronger in what I know, believe and call my faith. I am a woman of God who puts her life in his hands and yet also knows that God helps those who work to help themselves because they give themselves to him. He can show us a path; but it's up to ourselves to choose to walk that path; learning and living rather than complaining about the speed bumps along the way.
I am the woman who found that dating and putting yourself out there isn't worth it with the wrong man. Then there is the friend who you have grown to know, become best friends, care about, then love. The friend that was there to listen as a complete stranger as I explained how everything happened in my life and reminds me of the moments in life that helped bring me to who I am today. The stranger that became a friend, then a best friend, and now someone that life holds a new adventure and meaning. Finding that life can have balance between two men that are held in a heart that I didn't think could grow and yet has expanded over time to hold both so close.
I am "d". I am strong. Loving. Ever changing and yet remaining stead fast with everything I hold to be true that makes me, me. I can look back on life now and say, "Look where I came from. Look what I've done over these four years. Look at how with all the struggle, I worked to keep my head healed high." I am the person that if I could go back four years ago I would take that "d" that had crumbled to the floor and pick her up. I would force her to look at me and I would tell her this,
"You are stronger than you know. Right now feels like the end of the world and right now, it is. It's the close of something that you hold so dear and cherish with all your heart. But it's not the end.
You have the most wonderful little boy who will lift you up when your down; I promise. His little smile will bring a level of joy back to your heart that you thought might never come back. But it will come back; over time.
While you will struggle with friendship; they are still your friends and in time they will grow with you. They don't understand certain moments in your life, but that is because they have never gone through what you will go through. You will make it through this.
There will be ups. There will be downs. There will battlegrounds that leave your knees bloody from praying so hard for things to change; for life to get easier and that physical pain that is held in your heart to subside. But it will. You will fight for it. And it might not feel worth the fight; but it will be. You will no longer be that girl that sits at the curb waiting for life to hand you what it holds for you. You will be the one that lights her path with a gallon of gas and a match stick. There will no more be waiting, you will take charge of all of your emotions and know what it feels like to feel in control again.
You will learn to love again and that man will respect you, Christopher and Ethan. He will be the one that opens your eyes to the fact that you and Ethan aren't the package deal like you thought you were - it's you, Ethan and Christopher. That man's love will show you what's it like to want to look forward and not down. His family will guide you in how you could only dream of being accepted by those around you who just a generation before went through something similar. That family will open your eyes in more ways than years of therapy will ever help.
But besides all this - you will have to want to fight for all of it - and you will. At times you will think certain battles are lost while others you come out swinging. You will be amazed just how far you will come in life and in your own personal strengths. You will again know what it's like to love life from the inside out again. Just know. Four years later… you are ok."
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