The Stars

Last night while I walked Max (the dog) I started to compose in my head this blog post. It started as a letter to Christopher which then morphed into how I have two great loves in my life. Then turned into how we are really a family of four rather than the three (MusicMan, Ethan, me and Christopher). I thought being that it’s a week before the wedding what is the right thing to write about.

As I let my thoughts dance through what is right and what does my heart tell me to do, I felt the cool air on my face and I gazed up into the stars. I pondered if what I was looking at was Venus or Jupiter. I found myself grinning while the decision of “I could pull my phone out and use that fancy App to figure out the whole Venus vs Jupiter thing, but really, it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter” because these stars have seen everything. Jupiter, Venus, Mars, they were all there in the heavens when Christopher and I were married, they were there when he left this mortal plane and they will be there when the MusicMan and I say “we do” in one week. These stars have seen it all. The happiness, the sorrow and the glimmer of hope we all wish upon them.

I grinned because they have seen me run through the pain (literally and metaphorically). They have seen the tears. Heard the laugher that was silent for so long. And they will be there for years to come.

This has been a journey. At times it feels like it’s been longer than it has, and other times shorter. Today it has been 5 years since Christopher left this world. And in those 5 years I have done so much. So much more than I ever thought possible.

Everyone at some point in life has gone through something where they felt like life, God, the universe, cancer or something has been their enemy. An archnemesis determined to pull them down and into a cage with no way out. It’s easy to let our fear and doubts take control of our thoughts and let them cut at us until we bleed. And sometimes that needs to happen so that we will be embraced in total darkness so that when we start to see the faint light of hope glow it can burn brighter that we ever thought possible.

Sometimes you have to take that fear and doubt and let them know you won’t fall for their lies anymore. You have to understand that their shadow will always live with you, but that you choose to focus on the light and keep that shadow behind you. It will still be a part of where you have been and what you have been through. You just choose not to have it in front of you, always between you and your goals or your happiness.

I went through this. Under the very stars I was gazing upon last night, at some point, I discovered I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I am mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been. I fell. I screamed. I picked myself up and fell some more. But each time I picked myself up and focused on how to stand on my own two feet. And while not always easy, I had the love and support of my friends and family when I needed it the most.

It wasn’t easy and at times when I think about it, I am in awe of myself.

I was blessed to have Christopher in my life. He was a kind loving man that would run to the ends of world for me and Ethan. I couldn’t have asked anyone to love me anymore than he did. And yet, next week I will marry a man whose love is equally as strong as Christopher’s has been.  I have been blessed to have both these great men in my life. There aren’t many people who can say that they have been love(d) so equally and that both men were brought into their life with such great meaning.

This has been a journey. One that makes an amazing love story on so many levels. One that shows strength and perseverance. A story that movies have tried to copy, but only God under his stars could write.

Today, I am happy. I am in love. I am strong. I took control of my fears and I am so glad I did. I’ve learned how to take what I’ve learned over this journey to help others and it has made me see that my journey wasn’t just for me.

Today, under these very stars I am blesses to have Christopher and the MusicMan.

Family

Anyone that reads this blog knows that for me, running is therapeutic. It's time to myself and my thoughts. It's the time that I let go of the daily, weekly or monthly stresses and leave them on the side of the road. It's time that I also spend talking to God. Reflecting on things that have happened and things that I’m mentally preparing for that are coming up. It’s time where my mind is free to wonder through my daydreams, sort through the nightmares of fears and contemplate, on top of everything else, how far I’ve come. And well, lets just say I run a whole LOT more than I used too. Like 6-10 miles more a weekend lot. Nutshell… I spend allot of time reflecting and talking to God.

Recently, certain topics have dwelled and lingered in my thoughts. The concepts weren't new by any stretch of the imagination. They are more of a deeper reflection on older thoughts, concepts and the realization that, yes, distant prayers are sometimes answered when we least expect them to be.

Now first, before I dive right in, let me say this is a rather hard topic for me to write about and express in a way that does it justice. It’s a topic close to my heart. It's the concept of family.

Christopher had a great phrase for our family dynamic that he used to say all the time. "Family is not defined by blood, but by love." He believed that just because you were born into a family didn’t automatically make you family. For you to feel like you are a part of a family you need to feel love.

So right now some of you are nodding your heads in agreement and completely understanding where this statement comes from. Perhaps you can possibly relate to it in one form or fashion on your own personal levels. And well, some of you won't. It will be bitter to your thoughts and your mind has already come up with half a dozen rebuttals. Either way is ok because each person’s personal experience is different and each feeling is unique to you.

However, I beleive this statement is so powerful that I have written down in a journal for Ethan for when he gets older. Why? Because it's a testament to the journey our lives have been on.

When I was little I had one set of grandparents I really got to know in life. My Mum's Mum and Dad (aka, my Gran and Papa). They were the world to me and it broke my heart when they both passed, but I have always known that I was blessed because I got to share my life with them for a while. My dad's parents were a different story.

My Dad's Dad passed away shortly after I was born and his Mom when I was in middle school (if memory serves me correct). And there are days while I sit at my desk pondering out my office window what it would have been like to really know them other than photos. See, my Dad's Dad did what I do for a living (in a roundabout way) and that is fascinating to me. What I wouldn't give to sit and talk to him about how life in our fields has changed so dramatically and share with him what I work on now. But that is a conversation that will have to wait for years to come when it's my time to leave this mortal plane. But it does cross my mind from time to time.

Due to my own childhood experiences with my own grandparents, I often times reflect on Ethan's experience. He has my parents who will (should) be with him for many years to come and his bond with them is a strong and beautiful one. It reminds me allot of my relationship with my Gran and Papa. Christopher's mom left this mortal plane years ago before Ethan was born and his dad… well, he's not in Ethan's life and I'm ok with that. In fact, to set the record straight, I asked for it for my own personal reasons. Period. End of story. And that's all I have to say about that.

So I always thought that Ethan's life with his grandparents would almost mirror that of my own - only knowing one set of people as his grandparents. That is until the MusicMan. I don't think I would/could ever be able to put into words the amount of love and acceptance that his family brings into our lives. They truly love Ethan for him and the funny little ways he expresses himself. They invite us over and watch him from time-to-time so they can get to know him. They go to school plays and make it when they can to his sports games. In their eyes, Ethan is their grandchild. He's not a step-"insert name" he's one of theirs, he/we are family and that is rare.

But it doesn't stop with just them. The MusicMan's brothers, sister and extended family are the same way. When they come for a visit and Ethan and I walk through the door they yell out Ethan’s name and give him a big hug and tell him that they couldn't wait to see him. It truly is magical to watch his little face light up when this happens. It's even more heartwarming when he tries so hard to remember all their names in the car before we get there (the MusicMan has a way bigger family than I do). Ethan loves them all in a way that I never thought possible for his life and they love him equally just the same. He doesn’t question how they fit into his life as family and neither do they.

Ethan will get to experience something I never had. Two sets of grandparents.

He will get to understand the statement Christopher fell back on years before Ethan was born to explain his own relationship with his parents. "Family his not defined by blood, but by love."

It's sad to say that just because you are born into a family doesn't always mean that you feel the love and support of what family can bring to you. It's sad to say, and painful to experience if you are the one that goes through it; but we have all seen it or heard a story of someone who has had to go through it.

Then there are those families out there that love those brought into their lives with no questions asked; their hearts overflow with so much joy that you bring into their lives. They support you. They cherish what you bring into their lives and accept you as their own family even though you might never have been born into it. It's an amazing set of people who can do that. My parents did it with Christopher. The MusicMan's family does it with Ethan and I. It's an amazing feeling; to be loved by people who accept you as their own family. It's a blessing in my life and in Ethan's.

Years down the road I think this will be an amazing lesson for Ethan. It won't be one that I have to explain or teach to him. It will be one that is built on a thick foundation of love and will grow with each passing day. Ethan is blessed to have all the people that call him family in his life from all sides of mine, Christopher’s and now the MusicMan’s family.

Ethan will get something I didn’t have, two sets of grandparents to look up to for love, strength and support. Two sets of people who get to watch him grow into the amazing man I know in my heart he will be. It's a prayer I often lifted up to God to answer and felt as if this was one prayer that he just wasn't going to answer. And yet, years later he has, not in the way I expected or would have asked for… but he answered it. He brought family together through love.

#love #balance #blessed

It's been awhile since I last wrote and what can I say? Planning a wedding when you are younger and don't have a child (or a job) makes for a much smoother planning process. :) However, with that said, it warms my heart to share all the little details with my Muppet and hear him exclaim with such joy in his heart that he "can't wait" for the MusicMan to be his dad and live here.

I won't lie I was worried how the whole "this will be your other daddy" conversation would go with Muppet. But again, my little (wiser than his years) man put things in a whole new perspective. One day after picking him up from his after school care we started in our routines of sharing what was each of our favorite parts of the day and anything that might have happened that we might need a hug for. No, I don't share with Ethan really bad things, but I do share when the Internet goes down at work or Mommy forgot to save her work and had to start a project over. I want him to know that we all make mistakes and have bad days - it's a part of life.

However, this day after our little conversation the car went quiet for a moment. I glanced up in the rear view mirror just long enough to see him put his tiny hand to his chin, gazing out the car window. I glanced back to the road and the mental image of The Thinker popped instantly into my thoughts. Then suddenly from the back seat the silence was broken and I heard, "Mommy, you know God blessed me twice?"

"Twice? How so?" I wandered quickly through my thoughts trying to anticipate his response and what mine would be in turn.

"I have two daddies. God gave me two daddies. One in the sky and one on the earth." (Insert happy loving sigh as he looked back out the car window.)

I didn't know what to say. All my energy was being focused on trying to hold the tears back and hide my reaction behind my sunglasses. Here was my little Muppet who is now almost as tall as I am and has the most amazing sense of perspective, love and positive outlook on life (more than I could personally hope to have in all my lifetime). I've come to realize that Ethan is more than a gift from God, he is sign and tool of God's grace and goodness. Ethan's life could have turned out completely different, but Ethan himself chooses a path of light and love. And does it with such ease and grace.

He's the kid who will always play with other kids that have bullied him in the past. Whenever I ask him why he still plays with these boys who have hurt his feelings he just looks up at me with those loving little eyes and tells me "Mommy, they are my friends. They are good people, they just make bad choices and I just don't play with them when they make bad choices."

(Blink. Blink. Blink.)

Yes... That is my Muppet. He's a kind and loving soul that is a sage among men eight times his years. He teaches me daily and I admire the little man he is and will grow to be.

So here we were again - he was teaching me another valuable lesson. He knew (and knows) that the MusicMan wasn't replacing Christopher as his dad, only picking up where he left off. He sees our MusicMan as a blessing that while some kids only get one father, Ethan has two that he loves greatly. And knows in his heart that the both of them love him equally as well.

Ethan, in his own way, with only the few little words he spoke, showed me that love is boundless no matter what. That your heart is an endless plain of hope that grows with whatever situation life brings to you. With that comes a great balance that life, God, the universe (whatever you put your faith into) brings into everything you hold dear. Everything in live is a blessing, it's up to us to take time and let love and balance show us how blessed in this life we really are. 

Life, is in a way, a trifecta of #love, #balance and #blessings. My Muppet taught me that. You can claim one, both or all three. However, when you have all three life presents itself in a whole new light. One where the world is open to your heart and you to it's. One that brings you peace in the life that you may have never understood. 

Life can bring you many things that pull us down. Just the average workday can pull you down. But when you stop. Reflect. Enjoy everything in life. Things change. You're perspective changes. Ethan is blessed because he will soon have two dads. He knows that in his heart and his mind. I am blessed to have a child wiser than his own mommy at times to help enlighten me to things I might have overlooked and stressed one gray hair too many over.  We are both blessed to have a man in our lives that makes us feel so very special no matter what is going on in either of our lives. He's there for us when we need him the most. And so our lives are filled with #love, #balance and #blessings.