The Way I Tend To Be

For all intended purposes, I am a realist with optimistic tendencies that tends to look at all sides of a situation before I will choose my happy-coated pragmatic version of reality. Follow that? Some people would basicly say that I "over think" things and just plain hope for the best, but mentally make back-up plans for when it all hits the fan (i.e. the worst)?

Call it being a free-spirited artist with CPAs for parents (and one of those parents being retired army). You see the picture starting to form? I'm a planner who wants to take her time, but still sticking to her schedule. Yeah, as I type this the formation of "oxymoron" is starting to develop in my head.

I tend to be hard on myself (but who isn't?). I make goals (and who doesn't?). Sometimes I finish those goals; sometimes I don't (we've all been there and done that). Recently, I made a goal for myself (with peer pressure from my neighbors) to run a 15k. First, let me say before I signed up I had never run 9 miles. The closest I came was 7 and not only did I hurt the next day (and wish I hadn't) but it had also been almost a year since. So why had I never challenged myself to this feat (or ever ran more than that 7)? Well, I tend to do things that I know I can do with my eyes closed. You know, the stuff you can do in your sleep without thinking about it. The easy stuff.

Call it being a single parent for the last few years. Time for myself is rare and squeezing in a run or work out here and there is tough. But, I knew I could rock out my 3-milers in 30 minutes with my eyes closed, be done and back to single mommy duties. It was easy. Piece of cake.

So this challenge came up. I pushed it off. And pushed it off. Thought about it for a little while. Pushed it off. Told myself I could do it. Then pushed it off. (See a pattern?) Then one day, while on my lunch hour, I signed up. The pragmatic side of me started planing how I would train for this. The optimistic side started telling my doubts in their cheerful little voices that I can always walk if I get tired... tee-hee-hee. Groan... was the sound from the other side of mental fence that tried to drown out everything. I went to sleep that night thinking, "what in the world did I just do...?"

Skip ahead to a month ago. I ran that 15k in the best time I had ever run in on a training run. I never stopped. I was so focused. It was like that random "army" gene from my dad kicked in and all I was focused on was finishing. Ignoring the cold. The pain and all the other distractions my mind tried to play on me while I was out there.

And somewhere in all of this... I signed up for a half marathon... Yeah... half of a marathon (insert half crazy jokes here). The way I looked at it was I had trained for almost 10 miles, what was another 3? Right? Makes sense to me. And since then, the pragmatic side of me started planing how I would train for this. The optimistic side started telling my doubts in their cheerful little voices that I can always walk if I get tired... tee-hee-hee. Groan... was the sound from the other side of mental fence that tried to drown out everything. I went to sleep that night thinking, "what the world did I just do...?"

Just like the way I was on the 15k. The way I tend to be when a challenge arises.

In one of my little freakout "what did I get myself into" moments I also had a moment of clarity. In an email to the MusicMan I came clean with the fact that this run "scares me". How was I to do this?

His response....

"At the beginning of the year you had never ran 9 miles. And I'm proud of the growth you have made."

Um... Point... Taken.... and handed to me on a plate with a side of humbled clarity.

I started to tear up at work, because he was right. His short, yet poignant email, the truth in all of this shined out. This whole thing - this whole running thing - has never been about how far I could run. It's been about spiritual and emotional growth. It's about the person I am on the inside growing with the strength that resides in the deepest parts of my soul that pushes me to always better myself. It doesn't matter how far you run if you forget how to stand on your own two feet.

This for me has been a challenge, but not just physical nature. I've discovered where I stashed my resilience and hid my fears. Yet with each run comes a growth that takes hold those hidden fears and brings them to the surface where at times I cry them out on runs and leave them there on the pavement. I don't need them anymore. I'm not afraid of them anymore and they don't need to "run" my life because I am the one in control of the "run", the distance, speed... you get all the running metaphors.

Truth is, this has taught me so much about myself and the way I tend(ed) to be. And while the way we all tend to be is what makes up who we are - there are things that we can always focus on and grow from. As individuals personal growth should always be a focus in our lives. Challenging the way we always tend to be. It's never too late to change something; your situation, your mental outlook, maybe even your path in life. Dreams aren't meant to only dance through at night; they should be always be considered potential and goals. We should never be afraid of them or attaining them. We should never let the way we tend to be get in our way.