The Garden

So part two of yesterday's post "Here I Go". In that moment after dancing in the kitchen with Ethan I thought of all the things that Christopher and I had once planned on doing or at the least talked about it, but never found time or never got around to it. However, just because Christopher isn't here physically to help me do these things - doesn't mean that he's not here in spirit to help me with them.

So first thing on the list, grow a vegetable and herb garden! So Saturday morning Ethan, my cousin and I went to Lowes and I got all the seeds I wanted to plant! Carrots, Basil, onions, green onions, tomatoes...the list goes on. It was so exciting sitting on my stool out in the garage, while Ethan napped, working on the planting table my dad made for me out of an old rabbit cage stand.

It was freeing to know in my heart that this just one of the many things that Christopher and I will do together; in my heart.

And yes those are my seeds I planted! Can't wait to watch them grow!

"Here I Go"

To say the last month has been a cake walk would be a farce on several levels. Trying to figure out Ethan's situation with daycare, getting him in preschool, meeting with a lawyer to get my will and living will set so I know that Ethan will be in good hands and those people who don't deserve anything don't get anything - it has been on emotional draining month to say the very least. As I put it to my therapist "I'm DONE. Christopher was my cocaine and I'm going through withdrawls..."

However, this morning while I was making coffee and Ethan was watching Disney the strangest thing happened. Disney has this little short called "As the Bell Rings" (it's a little 5 minute bit in between shows) and one of the characters was doing a music video for class or something. So the guy was singing this song and Ethan jumped out of the chair and ran over to me while I making coffee and grabbed my hands. My fist thought was "Muppet, mummy needs her coffee before we do the vecro bit this morning."

But that's not what he wanted! He wanted to dance, so we danced in kitchen, Ethan laughed his intoxicating laugh and he reminded me at that moment more of Christopher and me than anything. I can't tell you all how many times Christopher and I danced in that kitchen with Christopher always the one to get it started and me laughing my ass off the whole time, it almost brought tears to my eyes.

So as Ethan took a nap I went looking for the song (gotta love Google) - I found it. And I love the chorus! It sorta sums up how that moment made me feel and how I think I'm turning a corner in the grieving process. My tears are no longer for the loss of Christopher, but the great memories he has left me.

I will always miss him, but has left me with memories that I will always treasure from now till forever. Below - the song and lyrics. So.... "here I go walking tall with both feet on the ground and making this world my own."

Tony Oller - Here I Go:
I'm here checkin' it out,
guess I might as well (I might as well)
gonna make the most of this before I hear the bell
always been the one in the spotlight
workin out and havin' a good time
now my worlds turned upside down

[Chorus:]
Here I go, here I go
gonna work it out somehow
walkin tall but I hope you know
got both feet on the ground
it's okay, I know that I will find a way
to make this world my own
so here I go (here I go, here I go)
here I go (here I go, here I go)

See my face in a magazine with the stories that they tell
my picture on your wall,
my ringtone on your cell (ringtone on your cell)
got used to living the good-life,
first class with everything just right
now my worlds turned upside down

[Chorus]
Here I go, here I go
gonna work it out somehow
walkin tall but I hope you know
got both feet on the ground
it's okay, I know that I will find a way
to make this world my own
so here I go

Here I Go - Tony Oller

Lemonade

The old saying is "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". Well, me, of all people know that making lemonade when life gives you the bitterest of lemons can be a hard act to swallow no matter how much sugary smiles and watered down interest you put into it. Some times it's just rough and you want to scream at the top of your lungs that you give up; make the sour face and crawl in a whole.

So today I went to give my friend (the one who needed prayers for her daddy) some moral support. So Ethan and I packed up some provisions for her and her family and headed downtown. Deanna (my friend) looked tired and the moment I saw her I knew what feelings she was going through. ( I was there not to long ago, trying to help someone I love, seeing them in a state that you don't wish on your own worse enemy.) Life was just throwing one too many lemons....

We talked about Ethan looking more and more like Christopher, what did God have in store for things going on in life, the journey that life - God - the world puts us on and the ups and downs of it all. I let her barrow a book that Christopher's Aunt Vassie gave him when she came down to be with him when he had surgery almost two years ago. It's about hope, love and the miracles they both bring. That book was an inspiration for us when we needed it and I hope it brings them comfort and solace when they read it.

I'm sure Ethan's and my visit was a good distraction to the whirl wind day she and her family had and are having (I hear that her dad is doing really well right now, but he still needs your prayers - there is a long recovery ahead of him.) Please continue to pray for this family, let your prayers also be for the strength they need to live strong through this journey.

Prayers For a Friend

Today a friend of mine had to endure a rather rough day. At 4am she got up and went to join her family at the hospital; her father had surgery today - on his brain. They recently found out that her father had a tumor growing in his head the size of a golf ball and while it wasn't cancer - the outcome still needed it to come out.

The doctor's told her that surgery would take 6-7 hours and after 11.5 hours of painful waiting they were told surgery is over; however they think there is a 50% that he might have had a brain stem stroke, but they won't know till tomorrow.

Please take a moment to pray for this family while the heaviness of uncertainly is over them. Pray that they get the answers they are looking for and peace they need to endure the next few days.

Pax - d