Waging War Against Good and Evil

So recently, my dear sweet, Dublin the dog passed away. The day he passed away one of my friends questioned if this was a set back in my moving forward. I didn't have to consider the answer - it was. Dublin was my furry little guardian, my reminder of Christopher and all of our intentions before we had Ethan and before cancer.

I went to my grief therapist later that week and told him of Dublin's passing. He warned me that I would go through all the same emotions I went through this year again, but in a short time frame and ten times worse being that I was on the cusp of the two months I necessarily wasn't looking forward to.

See, one of the things I never really forced my self to deal with was the idea that my life was just Ethan and I. (And let me say - yes I have friends and family who are there to help when I need them, to which ergo, I'm not really alone in the world. Hear me out before you pass judgment here.) Dublin was my little furry feeling that there was someone else in the house - someone to talk to when I needed to vent at night. Someone who would bark at me from time to time to fill the silence that music and the TV couldn't mask. Now that he's gone I have to deal with the totality of those feelings and being alone. Those feelings were pushed deep down to deal with at a later date and time and well it's later and the pressure cooker has been stewing for awhile.

I left there in tears, already feeling numb (a phase of grief). The idea that I was going to go through what I went through for a year - again - was painful to think about. I sat at home that weekend and thought about everything. I thought about all that had happened in my life over these two years, all that had happened in Ethan's life, I tried see the sun through the trees and when I couldn't - I tried to break my sun into a million little pieces to try to see it better, yet as I tried all I saw was everything that was dark and looming.

I tried to fight it, but that battle was lost. To be honest, I don't like to take about my inner battles in my head where I try to see the positive, the negative, the good and evil of it all. These are my battles - private ones, ones that are for me and me only. But one of the things I do in my struggles to make it through is to get mad and get a hardened shell. Envision if you will, you know you're about to get hit by something - something hard; do you flinch? Tense up? For me I get angry, I look what's coming at me head on and take it. I refuse to curl up in a ball and be hit so I can be hurt.

So to get through these months I've gotten angry. And, as of recent, people have brought to my attention that I'm angry, pissy, and they don't know how to talk to me. Which I have to say, just pisses me off even more, because in the same breathe they tell me I'm not looking at the positive in life and some how make reference to me having Ethan, a house, my health, etc. And YES I HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS AND MORE!!! AND I'M THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS IN MY LIFE. I THANK GOD FOR THEM EVERY DAY.

However, there are times in our lives when we need to vent to get it off our chest - no matter what we say or if we mean it, it makes us feel better that we said it. It is that nagging thought that needs to come out and we tell it to our friends because we know that they will not judge us or hold it against us at a later date and time. Alas, in my case - people don't see it that way and well, oh the _____ well.

I have always been the person people came to when they had problems. Why? I don't know, maybe because I'm a good listener or I give good advice? I really don't know, all I do know is I am the friend people turn to - I've been the friend that listen to her friend talk about her marriage being a sham, or the friend who vents about the silliest little things, or the couple who vents about the other to me because they don't know how to communicate with themselves. And I think for once people don't know how to take the "d" that just needs to vent. That doesn't want to be laid back any more, the "d" that needs to get angry to make it through these months.

This is my battle with my emotions and I don't expect anyone to say they understand - because they don't and never will. I will never be able to put into words the way I feel - nor do I really want people try and understand. I don't care what people think their worse situation is in life, because take that and then take your best friend who always knew the right thing to say to make you feel better out of the equation and your spouse or anyone that made you feel better with a hug or that look in their eye, and now add in voices of other people's thoughts on what you should and shouldn't do, add a dash of crazy, a cup of frustration, stir, beat and bake in the oven for 350 until every last nerve is burnt to a crisp. Yeah - it's a little like that.

So let me be angry - I'm that proverbial super hero who at the beginning of the movie isn't the hero (or doesn't know it yet), then doesn't want to be the hero and yet after the most amazing battle and the dust clears - you find them standing, using their anger and frustration over the situation to stand a little taller, gain more strength and kick some evil a$$. I'll make it through this - I always have and I always will.