Dear Cancer,
You entered my life through the back door. Creeping up on us, silent and unknowingly. Had we known you had been there hiding - you would have been eradicated. Were you there hiding at our wedding, our trip to New York, when we went down to New Orleans? I guess it doesn't matter where and when you hid from us, you did what your goal in life is to do.
Because of you, I became scared for the life of my son. You took his grandmother and his father and I thought in my heart the next on your list of destruction was my muppet, my Ethan. Well I hate to tell you - he's not, I'll make sure of it. See the thing you didn't count on, is the fact that he was made from the purest form of love. He has my will, his daddy's determination and our combined faith in hope. You messed with the wrong family this time. I know more about you than I ever wanted to and I will use that to my ability to fold and twist you into a paper doll. I know where you hide and I will be looking for you. I will teach Ethan to look for you too. You just happen to piss off the wrong Mum this time.
I learned the hard way of your process. Yeah, I cried every night in my sleep. You made me watch the one I love die. You made me want to forget every painful detail. You made me ashamed of my life because it felt so empty. You made me afraid and retreat in my shell. I hid the weakness in my eyes, force a smile, faked a laugh and lied to my self that my heart couldn't break any more than it already had. You convinced me that this life was what I could look forward too again and because of you, I convinced my self that there was nothing to look forward to in anything. You took my light and snuffed it out as if was just a dimly lit candle.
In this year, I've reaffirmed that family doesn't have to be blood bound. That the limitations that I placed on my self in my mind are just that - in my mind. I have found comfort and friendship in those I thought I never would. And it was one friend that taught me how to smile again and what the phrase "strength with conviction" means to me. This year has been the largest roller coaster I've ridden in my life and there where times I wanted off so I could puke my guts out and wave a white flag. But I didn't.
Any while this weekend was harder than most milestones so far, I've broken through my confusion. I have seen the good, bad and all the things in between. Pretty soon your ego will catch up with you - and I will be there, with one eye brow raised, ready and waiting to kick your little ass - so brace your self. I will not make the same mistakes we did before, I've learned my lesson. You come around here and you're gonna see what it means to be "thunkerstruck".
Know this. Christopher put up the most amazing fight and while he is gone; he is still mine, Ethan and other's hero. His story will live forever; while in the future yours will be a brief memory. One that we will find a cure for and your life will become all but a helter-skelter memory. You have no control over me, Ethan and my family.
May peace be with you,
-d
No comments:
Post a Comment