Bittersweet October

Everyone has a favorite month out of the year, for some it's due to a holiday or special occasion, for others it's a change in weather. For me it's sorta all of the above. October is a month when the weather starts to change and become cooler; pleasant. It's also a month filled with events in my life that I hold dear to my heart: Christopher's Mum was born in October, so was my Grams, I met Christopher, Ethan was conceived (over sharing I know), October was the first month Christopher and I both thought of to have our wedding (but couldn't wait that long so picked May) and we can't forget Halloween! So in a nut shell - October has always brought me happiness. I've known for awhile that October is my month - if anything is going to happen - it will always be in October. That's how I knew after the phone call from Christopher's doctor that he wouldn't pass away anytime before October. October was our month and Christopher always had a way of getting what he wanted....

So recently in grief therapy, my therapist has asked me to re-live if you will the events and personal thoughts of the month leading up to Christopher's passing and what October now means to me. And I have debated heavily over wither or not to share that part of my story. My mind goes all sorts of topsy-turvy of why I should and shouldn't. Sometimes I feel like people need to know that death isn't pretty. Death in-and-of-itself is peaceful - it's the suffering that is gut wrenching. But then again, I want to keep Christopher's memory of how people remembered him in the way they want to remember him - people don't need to read in my allegorical way the events leading up to his passing. However, it is those events that have shaped me into who I am today and why I am such an advocate to do what I can for those with cancer and their families.

I've tried to burn out the memories of some of the things I went through and hard as I might there are also things I will never be able to forget. They will live with me, locked in a box and I have swallowed the key. I've dealt with these events and the feelings that were birthed from them, but if I was even asked - I would not share. There is a show that I like to watch and have found it to be very cathartic lately with their new topics of good vs. evil, but I digress. Shortly after Christopher passed away, the clip below aired. I watched this scene over and over and over. This character was me and the words that came out of his mouth were like they were my own. The character (literally) spent some time in hell and while talking to his brother, he tells him why he can't share what he went through. It's better than any words I can form here.