D Day

To My Love,

Today, a year ago, you left this mortal plane. Today is hard for me. Today completes a cycle, one that I dreaded and yet one that I needed to come. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, trying to learn how to do it all and "do-it-with-a-smile" as you liked to put it.

I didn't go to work today - today is your day my love. The idea of sitting behind a desk listening to people bicker over the little things in life seems tright right now. You always knew it was the little things in life that made me happy and you were wonderful about how you did them too. From the "I (heart) U" post-it notes all over our apartment, to the love letters written in dry erase marker on the shower door and most of all, the way you looked at me and crack a grin - I knew with one look you loved me from the inside out. That your love for me could never be justified in an action or assemablance of words - your love was that strong. I miss that, more than you will ever know. I miss that cocky grin and those dimples - they lit up my world. The nap of my neck misses the way you would run thumb over it to let me know that even though I had a rough day - I was home and the day was over - tomorrow would be a new dawn. My nose misses the way the bath room would smell of your cologne after you would get ready for work. My ears miss the way you answer your phone - "hey there love"...

If there was ever a question in your mind if you were a good dad - let me put your mind at ease. You were the GREATEST Dad known to man. No matter how tired you were - you made sure that you checked on Ethan every night and made sure that he felt loved with every second you had with him. He couldn't have asked for a better Dad. I know your family situation was not what you wanted for him and you did everything in your power to make sure he never went through what you did. You knew where those faults lie and you avoided them with grace and sophistication. Ethan has some rather large shoes to fill my love, but please know this, I will keep your memory alive for him. There will not be a day that goes by that he won't know his daddy loves him and what you did for him. He will know of your journey, your fight, your will and your love. Ethan one day will make a loving husband, devoted father and exceptional friend and he owes part of that to you.

Our life time was spread over 16 years and in those 16 years we had our own up and down journey of heart ache: your mum's passing and the drama that ensued after that, my grandfather, Katrina and your own awkward family situation. Most people take a life time to do everything we managed to squeeze into 16 short years. But I will always remember every moment, minute, second as if I was living it all over again. You gave me strength when I had none, you found the beauty in life when all I saw was darkness, as I once said, "if life was like a box of chocolate - you were the road map on the inside letting me know where the good caramels were and where the nasty nugget lay." You were my best friend in life. I knew if I had a problem, you would be there with open arms to give me a hug and then tell me I was nuts for thinking the things I do - that's what made me love you twelve ways to Sunday. You loved me and yet could still tell me I was crazy and laugh at me without making me feel like an outcast. You were my coach and my defender. There wasn't anything I could do to disappoint you, you loved me in all my silly ways and in all the ways that made me, well me.

This year has been tough. Some would say this year has been a discovery of who I am - but that's far from the truth; I know who I am - you always made sure that I was consistently true to my self. This year has been a year of figuring out how life moves along without you. Time does not stop for any one or anything; it's cruel that way. Nonetheless, it's also a blessing that it does keep moving. One of your favorite sayings was, "time will only tell". I hated that phrase, because it meant I had to wait for time to pass - and well me and waiting - well umm - 'nuff said.

You know, my love, my dreams will never be what I expected it them be; sometimes I feel as though I don't belong - an outcast in my own surroundings. Who would have guessed it, me not fit in. It's so hard sometimes to see the looks when I tell people I am a widow. People can be cruel, but I know that grief is a nobel act; after all, it is emblematic of the deep love between us and my sorrow makes me more human than those people. I know in our toughest of times, you were the one to tell me "something" that while at the time seemed simple and understated was the greatest epiphany one could have. You were a sage in my eyes; knowing you has made me a part of who I am - the person that sees the good in everyone and doesn't judge based on first impressions. So I tell myself these people who don't know how to pick their mouths up off the floor - just never had anyone like you in their lives. ;)

I was listening to "our song" the other day - it really is our song. Listening to lyrics and the meaning. You were and are my flame. The light that filled my heart and will keep filling my heart. I will love you - always. You are my hero and through your memory I will send on the light you brought into my life to others. You will never really die in my eyes, because you live in the twinkle of Ethan's smile and the reflection of my own eyes.

You are a great man Christopher - notice I didn't say were - that's because your mission in life isn't finished - your story lives on. Today is for you. I love you for everything you did for me, my family and most all Ethan.

I love you My Love,
-d