When Christopher passed away there was a song I used to put on repeat and listen to over and over; it was Oleander's "I walk alone". I think I even stated on Facebook that this song was my little song between me and God. That I felt as if he had put Ethan and I in a situation that I didn't know how to handle and even more so didn't listen to my prayers that I sat on bended knees praying through a river of tears for. My feelings were that (in a nut shell) he let bad things happen to good people and I wasn't going to heal from this until I walked alone for a little while and not only found peace in my heart for what happened to Christopher but could heal from the pain I felt God himself put me through.

I never denounced God from my life, I just had a very jaded view of what his plan was for the three of us and honestly didn't want any plans that might come from anything he put his little finger on. It was my way of saying, "I respect your wishes and demands, but I don't have to like them or you at the moment or ever." It was a hard pill to swallow. But even more so to live through. And there were times when I would think, "Ok, he gave me my space - maybe I'm ready to bring him back into my heart." Then something would happen (like my dog passing away). Let's just say I had allot of mental conversations where God and I had our own little throw down - times when I would tell him if he did something like this to me again I was done with him. God, in a way, became sorta like a jilted lover and this was just another one of our little spats.

Maybe it was time that healed my heart. Maybe it was God laying off for a little while and not bringing more into my life that I couldn't handle to help me move past all this. Maybe it was all part of his plan from the get go. I had to loath him to understand him and love him; I needed that test of faith to make it even stronger than I thought it was. I don't really know the answer.

What I do know is that for the first time in over a year I feel good. I know that Christopher is in a place where there is love, light and most of all no pain. It's taken me over a year to get to this place. A place where I feel good about what might be out there and not afraid of what falls beyond my front door. As one of Ethan's Veggie Tales puts it - I'm happy because I'm happy on the inside, not because I try and find happiness around me.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not all a bed of roses. I've done some rather hard work to get here. I've had to cast people out that I thought were toxic and struggle to keep those I cared about because of my own roughness around the edges through all this started to scare them away. But the dust is clearing and I can see the dawn. I can look back and say I did allot of growing and this has made me a stronger person - I've seen my weakness, my strengths, my flaws, my hopes, the "d" I didn't like and the "d" I know I am.

And for some reason I have this feeling that 2010 is going to be a good year. Now do I really know what that means? No. I'm not sitting here thinking that I'm going to win the Lotto or that Ethan becomes some artistic genius and I'm able to sell his pirate drawings for millions, but I can feel the hope and light that 2010 holds for me. Maybe it's a new decade that brings about this new air of confidence in me. Maybe it's all the physco-babble my therapist feed to me for over a year that I'm starting to believe. Or maybe it's me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm done living day-to-day, minute-by-minute. I want to look forward to things and for the past two and half years I couldn't.

So this year I have picked a song that sums yet another conversation with God and most of all Christopher. It sums up all my hopes and yet all my fears at the same time. It's Chris Daugherty's "What About Now". I believe in the song he's singing to someone he cares about and loves and maybe their relationship is a little dicey? I'm not sure, but it's like he's asking for a second chance and that's where the under lying theme for me comes from. No I'm not asking for a second chance. But what I am asking is "what about now and what about today, what if this was making everything I was meant to be; now that I'm here and come this far there is nothing to fear. So before it's too late (and time passes me by) what about now?"

Enjoy the song.