Club W - Part II

I cannot tell you or express you all out there how many times I have thought I was done with this post and then hovered over the publish button only to hit cancel and wonder if I should or shouldn't post this post. Why the internal struggle over something so simple as words on paper (or screen in this case)? Well, because it's not just about me and yet it lets people peek into my head durning a time that I tried with the best of all intentions to let people know I was ok with everything that had happened with Christopher... so I guess I should start at the beginning.

Back in December I wrote a post entitled, "Club W" - it was about me getting news of a child's dad that had passed away from cancer and my own internal struggle over what was right and easy. Should I reach out to this woman and let her know that she's not alone. Recently, Ethan was invited to a birthday party; which isn't strange, we get allot of those (Ethan has allot of friends at pre-school). I must have stared at the invite for two weeks trying to figure out where I had seen this child's name before, but each time I thought about it it eluded me. For the life of me I could not put my finger on why this child's name seem so important; in the end, I ended up brushing it off and telling my self that I had made the whole thing up in my head.

Then came the day of the party. I was nervous. It was odd. I've sorta become a pro at going to birthday parties and not knowing anyone there; so what made this day different? I had no clue and at one point I think I chalked it up to the weather change and the random snow on the ground (I know, really random, but it made me feel better.). So Ethan and I pressed on to party. We showed up and instantly Ethan saw his friend (the birthday boy) and they greeted each other. The child's mom looked at Ethan and I and sorta exclaimed, but not loudly, "Oh this is Ethan". Mentally I raised an eyebrow and thought this might have been a clue to what I couldn't put my finger on - but I brushed it off as "this is Ethan, your friend you always talk about".

It wasn't until the kids were lined up ready to get the party started (if you will) that the birthday boy's mum came up to me. "I'm so glad you all could come. I was hoping you would; I really wanted to meet you. I was very nice of you to reach out to me..."

B-I-N-G-O! It hit me. I was standing face-to-face with the woman from my post. I got a lump in my throat. For one of the first times in my life I wasn't sure what to say and the words that would normally flow so easily from my lips had no voice to go with them. I mentally tried to count the months from when she lost her husband and then mentally try and put my self back in that place and remember what it was that I was going through at that time so I could try and be a better friend for her to talk to.

I thought about Ethan's first party after Christopher passed away. I remembered how even with all the help from friends and family, I was sorta in a daze. Looking at what all Christopher was missing. How Christopher would love to be there celebrating such a wonderful milestone in his child's life and yet, Ethan's party was more a milestone for me as well. It was his first birthday where I didn't have my love there by my side to share in something that I should completely be happy about. It was gut wrenching to feel two very drama different emotions that spanned a spectrum wider than any canyon I've seen and all at the same time. To feel as though if you stood still too long you might be engulfed by your own emotions and not be able to even move forward. I asked my self almost by the second; "Umm, ok, I think I can do this, what do I do next, cut the cake, play with the kids, are there enough hot dogs, do the kids need to come out of the sun for some juice, are people happy, does someone seemed left out of a conversation, does everyone a drink...." In a word I was spastic; I'll admit it.

So while I stood there, watching Ethan playing, I thought about his party almost a year ago. I thought about where I was then and where I am now. I looked at this other Mum, where she is now and where in her eyes I think she might want to be. I can't say that all the things I felt on Ethan's birthday were the same feelings that she felt this day - she never shared that with me; but in a way I think we gravitated to each other. Maybe because we are both on a level that not many people can or will experience -or- we knew what each felt and that there was a kindred of spirits so to speak in each of us. I'm not sure.

When it was time to leave I left this woman with my card and this blog address. I know that she might not be ready to be social or even talk about things yet, but by giving her this blog she can get to know me on her terms when she is ready. Do I hope she contacts me? Yes. Yes I do. If for nothing less for Ethan to have a chance to see his friend outside of school. But I would like to be there to tell her that what she feels doesn't make her alone in this world. That while it doesn't seem like it gets easier, she might wake up one day and have a day where things, life, whatever-the-case-may-be, wasn't as hard as the month before. To tell her I get what she says and have her know that in her heart she knows it too.