April 18th - Happy Birthday My Love

To My Love,

Happy birthday Love. Today you would have turned 35 and even though you would have put up a fuss that I not make such a big deal about today - you know I would have. There are times that I wish your Mom were still with us so I could call her and thank her for bringing such a wonderful man into the world. I would give anything to tell her what an incredible person, man and father she raised. To explain to her in infinite detail how you were so gentle and kind; yet strong and forceful when you need to be. To expand upon endless boundaries how I love you in all the ways you were and wanted to be. I would give anything to give her a hug to let her know how special you were and are to my life, to tell her that I would climb to the tallest point on earth and shout to the heavens that I was proud to be your wife. That even though your gone your lessons in life still teach me daily about what it means to have had someone who cared so deeply for me and our child and with such love and vigor. You truly were one of a kind Christopher.

I have to say my love that I have done allot of growing since this time last year. Last year I sat in my room after Ethan went to bed and I cried; God I think I cried for hours. The idea that your birthday came and went and you weren’t here to celebrate it with me and Ethan was the strangest feeling I had never felt before and trying to put words on it would only down play the feeling that resided within me. However; time, therapy, whatever the variable was that did it, made this year different. This year I didn’t feel the pain of not being able to celebrate your birthday, but instead I embraced it as another milestone; a different sort or milestone. Today marks the day that I spent the same amount of time without you that I did standing by your side in this battle with cancer.

I’ll be honest love, the idea that your birthday marks this milestone is very strange and sometimes in my mind very unsettling, but then again you always had a thing with dates and getting things just the way you wanted them so the meaning meant more than anyone could fathom. So I chalk this up to just one more thing you “got” your way. And to be honest, I don’t really think it could have happened on a better day. Because I will remember this day with all the love and hope that I hold in my heart.

Love you were a fighter. I knew that; hell, I more than knew that. Anyone that really knew you knew that. In fact, that is the one thing that most people remember about you; your spirit and will to fight for what you believe in. No matter what other people though or what ever way the tides of thought went, you fought for what was right and you never took the easy road of just agreeing to agree. One of the things I have tried this year to do is to hold on to your fighting spirit to help me get through this. To never just go with the flow and well there are times when I fail and I fall into the traps my mind sets for me of people thinking I should be this way or do things at this time and it takes everything I have to try and fight off those thoughts. I’m always trying to think, “if Christopher was here what would he tell me” and I always come back to…. “d, you think and worry to much”. I can hear you voice and see your gentle face when this radiates between my ears. But what can I say; I’m your little worrier. I always have and as I try not to be, it’s hard and one of my personal mental battles that I still to this day I am working on.

This year has made me a little rougher around the edges, I won’t lie. My sarcasm that made you roll over laughing is a little more sarcastic (well if you compare “little” to something you get at one of those membership bulk stores). But my heart and the love that I have for you is still there, still loving every moment that we shared together – that will never go away. One of the lessons I have learned this year is that just when you think the worst is over and life has given me a chance to breathe and take in what I have learned – it’s not. There is always a new curve ball in the form of new struggles as a single parent, places and feelings that my mind seems to dwell and just what life itself throws me everyday. I have spent almost every walking moment that I have a free time to think contemplating what all of this means to me. And my answer to all of this seems to be one that is ever changing. No one answer is the right answer and the answer I come up with on a Monday often changes by Tuesday. However the one thing that keeps me sane in all of this is the fact that you used to tell me over and over when something would drown my mind and consume it – “you do what makes you feel good and what you know is right, hell be damned.” And well – hell has been damned a few times… But I am still standing and for most part I think I have done all right. I think you would be proud of me, I know I am of my self.

You know my love, for as much as I would give up the world to have you by my side; I also know that you are in place where there is so much light and love that it fills my heart with peace. And even thought there are nights when I lay in our bed and reach out for your pillow. I don’t think I will ever get completely used to the idea of not being able to feel you on my finger tips or seeing your cocky grin that just made my days (and my heart) fill with a sense of joy as if there was secret inside joke that only you and I got and understood. But through all of this; I also know that you are in a place where love and light fills your heart, a place where you can still look down and see the progress and strides that Ethan takes everyday in life. And there are times when I think – “how in the hell am I suppose to do this all by my self?” This is when I close my eyes and feel you all around me, thickening the air that I breath, reaching in and dancing around my heart, mind and soul; comforting me the same way you did before all of this. Thank you my love for all the memories you left with me to share with Ethan one day.

Happy birthday my love. I love you.

-d