2014 Wrap-Up

Wait...what? 2014 is almost over? Where did the time go? For the most part I didn’t blog at all this year. Little did I know that marathon training was almost a full time (ok, more like part time) job. I put allot of little things on hold while I worked on my own personal goals this year. For that, I’m sorry for those who came to read and found nothing. But I’m not that sorry, because I learned so much about myself and have so many wonderful memories from this year. 

So lets wrap up the year with one really long blog post. :)

In February I ran my first ever 15k. I was scared, nervous, and completely apprehensive. But I finished! Never stopped and it felt amazing to be considered a long distance runner, considering that my running average from years past was 150 miles and most of my runs never really went over 3-4 miles. But I didn’t stop there. A month later I completed a half-marathon, which in turn lead me to want to do a full marathon. Ergo training started shortly after that and went through the summer. 

Ethan after riding Space Mountain!

I did take a small break from running during the summer to spend time with our family, celebrate Ethan's 8th birthday and take a family-moon to Disney World and Universal Studios in Florida. While I’ve taken Ethan here before, it was so very special to see Ethan overcome his fears of “big-boy roller coasters” and share that experience with the MusicMan. Those two are like two little peas in a pod at times - it warms my heart how much they love and care for each other.

Shortly after we came back, the MusicMan started the adoption process of Ethan. This is something he and I had talked about since he proposed and it meant allot to him to adopt Ethan. He wanted Ethan to know that no matter what he will always be there for him and that he cares for him as if Ethan is of his own flesh and blood. Ethan didn’t fully understand at first why he was being adopted, because in his mind when the MusicMan and I got married, he automatically became “daddy J”. 

It’s hard to explain to a child that a step-parent has no legal rights when it comes to step-children and we wanted to make sure that Ethan was always taken care of if anything were to ever happen to me. But we explained it the best way we could and Ethan was excited to now have the longest name ever known to man since we hyphenated his name. The adoption was completed the Monday before Thanksgiving...just one more thing we were thankful for this year. 

I ran the names of 63 cancer fighters, survivors
& fallen warriors through the streets of Chicago.

In October, I ran the Chicago Marathon. That was one of the most amazing experiences and one that I will always remember. The race was held on the same day as the 6 year anniversary of Christopher’s passing and I woke up that morning with so many butterflies in my stomach I wasn’t sure if I could finish before I had even started. As I waited for the race to start I questioned if I should have picked this race and run on a day with so much meaning; yes in good ole “d” fashion I began to over think things. There were times I felt weak and in those times I thought back to 6 years ago when I sat at my kitchen table, to the day that life changed - I had changed. I knew that I was no longer that woman who sat at that table feeling mad at the world and sad for what life had brought her. I was the woman who could look at the beauty that life now put in front of me and see the blessings that this world has to offer. Christopher is no longer in pain and he is surrounded by light and love. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in this new life with the MusicMan by my side. His love and understanding surpasses anything I could have asked for and he truly is a blessing in all of our lives. I found strength when I thought I had none. I have overcome so much fear that there is no place for it to hide in my head. At one point while I ran I cried. For the strength I found in myself was so overwhelming. Not to mention that the MusicMan, Ethan and the MusicMan’s brother’s family were there about every 4-5 miles cheering me on. I hope everyone out there that reads this post has a support system as great as the one I do. 


While we were in Chicago and over the Thanksgiving break I was able to spend some time with some of my nieces and nephews that I don’t always get to see. I never truly understood the joy that it is to have those little kiddos in my life until this year. To watch and see children grow and learn is an amazing thing. The joy that comes over their faces when they see you, point, say your name and give you a hug. It’s like watching your own child grow; only the leaps and bounds are greater because you don’t get to see them every day; but with each time you do see them you understand and appreciate even more the love that comes from family. 

I also was able, shortly after the marathon, to donate over a foot of hair to Locks of Love. This was my third donation and each time it's an emotional one, but this one was ever so more. Knowing that the hair I donated had been through so much this year with training, it was as if I was passing along a little strength to those who will receive that gift. 

This year has been such a blessed year for our family and I hope that this year found your family well too.

Pax

Defy..

As I sit here trying to figure what and how to write what I want to express, I realize it's been awhile since I last wrote. Maybe too long. However, as the age-old proverb goes - time flies. Especially when you are training for your first marathon during your first year of marriage. Crazy. Crazy, is good word.

I took a small challenge of running a 15k (9.3 miles) and pushed that into half-marathon to crossing that finish line with what the next training plan would be...a full marathon. Yes, I literally crossed the finished line, hugged my MusicMan and told him then and there before my legs even stopped; I was doing a full marathon.

I picked the Chicago Marathon for several reasons. The course is flat. From what I have read the crowed is full of amazing energy and you should try to run your first marathon in a different city to help motivate you to do the training. However, with all of that, I picked it for something else. This race will be held on October 12th. For anyone that has followed this blog, October 12th is when Christopher left this mortal plane. Six years after his passing - I am remarried and running a marathon.

Someone recently asked me if I had a spirit animal what would it be? I grinned. Let out a small sigh. "Phoenix," is what I answered. I've always thought of myself as this mythical bird that was engulfed into a fiery abyss of emotions, not knowing what end was up, down and sideways or feeling completely out of control in this new normal life.

Yet out of this fire, I was reborn from the ashes. I am stronger. Physically. Mentally. My own will shocks me at times. The candy coated "d" isn't so sickly sweet and fear doesn't really have a home in my mind anymore. Don't get me wrong - you put a snake, weird bug and/or perfectly placed spider web in my face - you will see the finest "kung-fu-get-out-of-my-way" moves you've ever seen. But for the most part fear doesn't have a place in my heart.

This past week I went for a run and at mile 3 I tripped on the sidewalk and fell. I got up, dusted myself off, saw my skinned knee and shin, the blood coming from it and I just kept going. I had two more miles and this wasn't going to stop me. I've had worse in my life and still managed to push through it. This. THIS was nothing. At mile 4.75 I started to pick up speed and sprint to the end for a strong finish. With just .10 of a mile to go I fell again. This time with enough force that my sun glasses were 3 feet from where I landed, I rolled into the middle of the street. My pride was wounded and had way more scrapes and scratches down my back, elbows, and knees. Both knees are bruised and I have a rather large bruise on one hand and hip where I hit the ground with full force. I limped back to the house.

My MusicMan's soft, yet gentle "oh baby...." with a certain level of fear in his eyes told me I looked just like I felt. He spent part of the evening cleaning all the little scrapes and cuts making sure all the dirt was out of my skin and everything would heal in time for my marathon.

We prayed before we went to sleep that I would heal and that this would not get me down since running might be a challenge these next few days. I went to bed for the first time in a long time with a sense of fear. Had I just ruined my chances for this marathon? Was I going to heal and be ok to ask my body to run 26.2 miles on two knees that feel like they went 10 rounds with a baseball bat? It broke my heart that for the first time in a long time I was afraid and letting fear dwell in my mind. A mind that I spent years forcing out all the little things that scared me and kept me from moving forward. Yet, here it was. It not only made itself home, but was going to sleep in my head.

I spent most of this weekend trying to be positive and fill my thoughts with "no fear lives here." I spent a great deal of time today finding new music to run to that speaks to the "no fear" concept. While surfing the internet for new music I ran across a shirt that I've thought many times of buying but always told myself, "no, you have enough workout clothes". It's a yellow shirt that says "Defy Fear". Not only is this a LiveStrong shirt but I love the message. We should all defy the fear that lives inside of us.

While internet window shopping and looking at this shirt (again), my itunes landed Michelle Chamuel's version of "True Colors." Tears fell.

I realized I am 2 weeks away from running my first marathon. I am 2 weeks from crossing six years that Christopher left this mortal plane. I am 3 weeks from my one year wedding anniversary with my MusicMan. This marathon is nothing compared to where I was six years ago. Sitting across my kitchen table not knowing what would come next and how I would do it.

I've spent several of my early mornings before my long runs looking at that place at my kitchen table where life changed and wishing I could sit across from that woman and take her hand and let her know that she would be happy again. She will find out how life moves forward. It won't be easy, but the journey of self discovery will be an amazing one. I wish I could look into that "d's" eyes and tell her that the darkness she feels will be replaced with light and that her aura will shine with all the colors of the rainbow again. I know that the "d" that sat at that table wouldn't listen to me back then, but sometimes I wish I could have comforted her.

And yet as I thought about how I wish I could comfort that "d" from six years ago - I know the "d" 2 weeks from now would want to sit across from this computer and tell me that this moment that makes you feel so small right now will give you the strength you need to cross that finish line. That my rainbow aura will shine through and all those moments when you thought you couldn't go farther was just that fear that I allowed to live back inside my head for the last few days.

See fear, it's a liar. One big fat liar that will take up residence in the darkest parts of our thoughts and make itself home. It will grab our dreams and taunt them. Tarnish the things we took for granted. Fear is our own worst enemy. Tonight I choose to "Defy Fear." I choose to take this fall, brush off my knees and keep running. I will finish. I will run. I will defy the one thing that scares me right now. I am the one in charge. I am the only one that can show my true colors and the growth that I have made over the last six years. I will overcome this, because in the end I will have two amazing boys at the end of this race waiting for me. Two amazing people who have supported me this last year in a way that I never thought possible. Sometimes in the end - love is all you need. Love and faith in yourself to always.... you got it.... Defy Fear.

The Way I Tend To Be

For all intended purposes, I am a realist with optimistic tendencies that tends to look at all sides of a situation before I will choose my happy-coated pragmatic version of reality. Follow that? Some people would basicly say that I "over think" things and just plain hope for the best, but mentally make back-up plans for when it all hits the fan (i.e. the worst)?

Call it being a free-spirited artist with CPAs for parents (and one of those parents being retired army). You see the picture starting to form? I'm a planner who wants to take her time, but still sticking to her schedule. Yeah, as I type this the formation of "oxymoron" is starting to develop in my head.

I tend to be hard on myself (but who isn't?). I make goals (and who doesn't?). Sometimes I finish those goals; sometimes I don't (we've all been there and done that). Recently, I made a goal for myself (with peer pressure from my neighbors) to run a 15k. First, let me say before I signed up I had never run 9 miles. The closest I came was 7 and not only did I hurt the next day (and wish I hadn't) but it had also been almost a year since. So why had I never challenged myself to this feat (or ever ran more than that 7)? Well, I tend to do things that I know I can do with my eyes closed. You know, the stuff you can do in your sleep without thinking about it. The easy stuff.

Call it being a single parent for the last few years. Time for myself is rare and squeezing in a run or work out here and there is tough. But, I knew I could rock out my 3-milers in 30 minutes with my eyes closed, be done and back to single mommy duties. It was easy. Piece of cake.

So this challenge came up. I pushed it off. And pushed it off. Thought about it for a little while. Pushed it off. Told myself I could do it. Then pushed it off. (See a pattern?) Then one day, while on my lunch hour, I signed up. The pragmatic side of me started planing how I would train for this. The optimistic side started telling my doubts in their cheerful little voices that I can always walk if I get tired... tee-hee-hee. Groan... was the sound from the other side of mental fence that tried to drown out everything. I went to sleep that night thinking, "what in the world did I just do...?"

Skip ahead to a month ago. I ran that 15k in the best time I had ever run in on a training run. I never stopped. I was so focused. It was like that random "army" gene from my dad kicked in and all I was focused on was finishing. Ignoring the cold. The pain and all the other distractions my mind tried to play on me while I was out there.

And somewhere in all of this... I signed up for a half marathon... Yeah... half of a marathon (insert half crazy jokes here). The way I looked at it was I had trained for almost 10 miles, what was another 3? Right? Makes sense to me. And since then, the pragmatic side of me started planing how I would train for this. The optimistic side started telling my doubts in their cheerful little voices that I can always walk if I get tired... tee-hee-hee. Groan... was the sound from the other side of mental fence that tried to drown out everything. I went to sleep that night thinking, "what the world did I just do...?"

Just like the way I was on the 15k. The way I tend to be when a challenge arises.

In one of my little freakout "what did I get myself into" moments I also had a moment of clarity. In an email to the MusicMan I came clean with the fact that this run "scares me". How was I to do this?

His response....

"At the beginning of the year you had never ran 9 miles. And I'm proud of the growth you have made."

Um... Point... Taken.... and handed to me on a plate with a side of humbled clarity.

I started to tear up at work, because he was right. His short, yet poignant email, the truth in all of this shined out. This whole thing - this whole running thing - has never been about how far I could run. It's been about spiritual and emotional growth. It's about the person I am on the inside growing with the strength that resides in the deepest parts of my soul that pushes me to always better myself. It doesn't matter how far you run if you forget how to stand on your own two feet.

This for me has been a challenge, but not just physical nature. I've discovered where I stashed my resilience and hid my fears. Yet with each run comes a growth that takes hold those hidden fears and brings them to the surface where at times I cry them out on runs and leave them there on the pavement. I don't need them anymore. I'm not afraid of them anymore and they don't need to "run" my life because I am the one in control of the "run", the distance, speed... you get all the running metaphors.

Truth is, this has taught me so much about myself and the way I tend(ed) to be. And while the way we all tend to be is what makes up who we are - there are things that we can always focus on and grow from. As individuals personal growth should always be a focus in our lives. Challenging the way we always tend to be. It's never too late to change something; your situation, your mental outlook, maybe even your path in life. Dreams aren't meant to only dance through at night; they should be always be considered potential and goals. We should never be afraid of them or attaining them. We should never let the way we tend to be get in our way.

Where to begin?

I think I've started this post about a dozen or so times; each start with something different. First, it was about the wedding. Then it was a year long wrap up since I haven't blogged in awhile. Then it was what I learned over the year about myself and this journey. Everything was abandoned due to that I just don't know where to start. I start to write about one part of life and I realize that a greater lesson was learned in another aspect of my life. So where do I start?

This year was crazy with planning the wedding and trying to combine two households, but we got it done (sorta... the house is a work in progress) and the wedding was amazing. I'm so very blessed to have a man in my life who not only respects the journey Ethan and I have been on, but loves us for that journey. He respects the memory of Christopher so much that I have to say if your journey is similar to mine and you are currently dating someone who doesn't respect it; then you should look elsewhere. Your journey is what makes you who you are. It's where most of your strength comes from. Your fears. And sometimes self-doubt. To love you is to love all the parts of you that brought "you" into their lives. Period. No exceptions. 

During our wedding the MusicMan and I wrote our vows to each other and to Ethan. My heart soared listening to him promise to Ethan that he would never replace the spot in his heart where his Dad sits, but to pick up where he left off and nurture him into the wonderful man we all know Ethan will grow to be. Let me say - there wasn't a dry eye in the house. 

The MusicMan also vowed to me to always help me see in myself what he sees everyday. And that, my friends, is an amazing testament to love. To work each day to ensure that the person your with always sees themselves in the same light you hold them in your heart. It's work, but work that should come with an ebb and flow that pours out from your soul with an ease that takes your breath away. I've been blessed to have this twice in my life.

I learned to love life so fully that at times when I run I think back to all I have done over this year and I'm brought to tears of joy. The MusicMan and I traveled to Aspen to see a friend of his get married around Labor Day. We realized this was our "first real adventure together"; our first trip where neither of us had been. It was new. Exciting. Beautiful. We went for a hike. Got caught in the rain. Ordered Pizza and local beer. We laughed about the cute things Ethan does. Talked about how we should come back. Go skiing. And most importantly...take more adventures! I learned that it was ok to make plans and love life to the fullest. 

I spent so much time living one day at time (sometimes one minute at a time) that I forgot what it meant to "plan" something fun and exciting and know that it will happen. It's a feeling I haven't felt in years and I will admit that I reveled in it. Like a lot. 

I've watched my little Muppet grow and flourish with each day that passed closer to the wedding. Ethan loves having two Daddies. He finds himself blessed to have/had both these men in his life and to this day I'm still learning from my Muppet. His perspective is eye-opening and at times I feel like he's more in tune with his surroundings than I am. I love that he has "guy" time with the MusicMan. They talk about gross boy stuff (like rat bones in owl pellets... don't ask) and they go out and throw the ball around when the weather is nice. Yes these are all things I did (well I may have toned down the gross conversations). But I've played the part of Mum and Dad and while there will still be times that I need to play both parts, Ethan has a male role model to look upon when he feels like he just can't talk to his mom about "guy stuff". 

Laughter in life for me has grown threefold. I remember at one point I didn't find the show "The Family Guy" funny any more and my grief therapist response was "oh, wow. you are depressed." But over the years I learned to laugh at myself, life and the crazy (sometimes interesting) things we can all get ourselves into. The MusicMan and I are the king and queen of one-liner emails that crack us both up (he will laugh just reading this). Life can be funny and we must all learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes. 

So with everything I learned in 2013 what does all this mean for 2014? Well I promise to be a better blogger and write more since the wedding is over. I might even get the MusicMan to write a post or two. I've asked him to write about the other side of the journey. What it's like dating someone who has lost a spouse. His spirit and support were and are so inspiring that I think it would be nice to hear from him on his views. As people who grieve we sometimes get carried away in our own hurt that we forget to look around us at the pain of others. Again I think his perspective would be interesting for people to read. 

I've made some personal goals for 2014 on the running front and you can read them on my other blog - I won't bore people with all my fitness goals. The MusicMan and I have worked on some new adventures that will happen in 2014. One being a FamilyMoon, a wedding for his cousin, more little weekend trips here and there and I hope we can document it all and share with everyone how a journey like this can turn into something completely beautiful. :) 

Pax to you all and to your New Year!