Loss

In this journey life has brought to me, I have experienced my fair share of loss. And in that journey I have learned that each person handles loss differently and that each loss is different - each person who experiences a loss handles their own situations differently. It's why, for the most part, when someone does experience a loss, I let them know they are not alone and that I am here to listen when they are ready. Not everyone shares the same timeframe and not everyone wants to talk about the wide range of emotions that seem to be filtering through them at that that time.

With that said, I haven't experienced certain kinds of losses, and it is in those times that all I can do is say, "I'm sorry" and pray that with time comes healing. When my good friend "A" went through two miscarriages I was again at a loss of what to say. I knew that her and her husband were hurting, but I had no idea the depth or the emotional repercussions that it may or may not have on them later down the road. All I could say was "I'm sorry for your loss" and pray that those few words would bring them comfort.

I know now - at that time - all those words could do was bring them a sense of comfort that they were loved and not going through it alone.

Back in April, the MusicMan and I learned we were expecting. It was something we were trying for ever since I finished the Chicago Marathon. I had everything planned down to how I would tell my MusicMan, our parents, siblings and Ethan that a new edition to the family was on the way. My heart raced when we got those two little pink lines on the first test. We even waited to take another test about a week later to make sure we didn't get a fluke test and again we were greeted with two little pink lines. It took Ethan about one night's sleep to sink into the news that he would be having a younger brother or sister, but the grin on his face told us everything. 

He was to the moon and back excited and we were excited for him. He brought home drawings of what he thought the baby would look like and made little paper toys to share with the baby when it came. Muppet's reaction was one of the sweetest, most genuine emotions that I've ever seen. It showed me that not only would he be an amazing older brother, but the almost 9 and half year age difference wouldn't make a bit of difference. He would be the perfect mix of protective older brother who was gentle in nature and yet playful in his heart with a touch of sage in his faith and perspective on life. 

However, instead of sharing little photos of a sonogram and explaining that this "little dot" in a photo was his sibling in Mommy's tummy; we now have to explain that there was no more baby in Mommy's tummy. I started experiencing some complications and the MusicMan and I went to the doctor the next day, only to find that with each passing hour, my complications got entirely more complicated. 

From the time things started till the end - while going through it - it seemed as though time stood still; however it was all very quick in the grande scheme of things. As quickly as life was created; it was gone. The MusicMan and I cried, prayed and leaned on each other for support. We both told each other we were sorry and then each explained to the other that it wasn't their fault through the tears. We told each other over a thousand times we loved each other and hugged each other every chance we got. We heId each other when we saw the other was starting to break down. I couldn't have asked for a better partner during all of this. It was exactly what I needed and I pray that I was just as there for him emotionally as he was for me. 

We went back into our Doctor's office this past Monday and it was confirmed that the baby was gone and I had miscarried. Being back in the doctor's office, even knowing in our hearts that our baby was gone, didn't make it any easier to see blank space where there was once a baby, it was as if there was never a baby there to begin with. My body had gotten rid of everything and was already healing.  

The MusicMan and I have put faith that being healthy and physically fit has helped in the process of healing and why everything happened so quickly considering everything I had read in baby forums. We are also praying that while this pregnancy didn't go as we had planned that God, the Universe, whatever you put your faith in, has a path and plan for another child and that I am able to carry that child to term. 

Until then, life has given me a journey. A path where I can relate to when I hear that someone else has lost a child. Our baby only developed to 6 weeks and while we will never know why we lost this pregnancy, I have put my faith that there was a reason we went through this. Maybe so we can help other couples who go through the same thing or to deepen our own relationship; we will never know. However; nothing happens out of happenstance - that is something that I have fully believed for most of my life and still do. I choose to take this and learn, love and strengthen who I am through this. I choose to let this be journey that I will fully experience and embrace all the emotions that go with it so that when someone I know and love has it happen to them, I will be able understand the wide range of emotions that goes with losing a baby. Guilt. Sadness. Fear. And deep sadness for all the daydreams you had for that child. I will be able to hug them and tell them "I'm sorry for your loss - time will heal and help and I will be here to love and support you."