Thank You To You All

I knew there were people out there that follow this blog. I figured for the most part it was friends and family; however, I have been proven wrong more times than not when it comes to this area of my life. Recently I have gotten several comments on the blog about how the story of "us" and what I have learned about myself, life and everything in between is in a word helping people.

I started this blog just a few months after we found out Christopher had cancer as a way to keep family informed of his progress. Then after he passed away I debated very long and hard about shutting the blog down. "What is the point?" I often thought to myself. Christopher is gone and who wants to hear about woman trying to make it through the day? Then one day after he passed I got an email from a friend who wanted to know if I was ok. I hadn't posted on the blog, Facebook or Twitter in several weeks.

I read that simple little email over and over and as I did I got this mental image of my friends and family sitting behind their computers, wide-eyed, continuously clicking the refresh button hoping that I would break my silence and tell the world I was ok. I remember sitting at my computer halfway slouched in my chair swiveling it back and forth wondering how do I spin grief in a positive light? So I wrote and re-wrote; then re-wrote. I didn't want to sound like I couldn't handle it, but I also didn't want to sound like I was hopped up on happy pills and 3 buckles away from a padded room. So I closed my eyes and just wrote what came from my heart.

There have been several times that after re-reading a post I question if I should even post it. Sometimes I feel like it's a little too much of my heart or soul to blast out over the web; but then again if that post touched one person - then it was meant to be out there. Often times I am told by friends and family that the blog is sometimes "a little hard to swallow" and when they tell me that I just want to tell them - "what I'm going through at times is a little hard to swallow" But I don't ever tell them that, I just say I'm sorry and move on.

Truth be known these post are the little pieces that make up me. The lessons in life that God, the universe (again whatever it is you believe in) afforded me to have. Sometimes these lessons are bittersweet like the woman I met out on the anniversary of Christopher's passing or they are hard and I struggle through them like the news of Ethan's little pre-school friend's Dad. Either way they are parts of life that I choose to look upon and reflect. The one thing I don't believe in are coincidences. Everything in life is brought to us for a reason and what we are left with is a choice. Do we choose to reflect upon it, move it to the side to look back on later or just toss it to the side as if it meant nothing? For me - I reflect and when I'm not sure what it means I write it down in my little book that I carry around to let time and my mind dwell and wrap around what it might possibly mean to me. Either way it ends up here. My revelations if you will.

Lately, I have found that there are more people than I thought that read this blog and you leave comments that touch the inner most fiber of my soul. One person wrote, "keep talking" and all I could think about was how honored I was that this person took time out to write to me - to share their inner most thoughts with a perfect stranger. Someone else commented that she was so moved that she texted her hubby a simple, "I love you". I cried on that one. I know the feeling of being so moved that you just want to reach out to the one you love and just let them know that you "love them". And you tell them this simple I love you because to expanded upon the complex feelings that you hold in your heart would take you days, so a simple "I love you" just sums it all up. All your comments warm my heart for the one and main reason that your comments mean that the story of "us"; the stories of a single mom trying to figure it all out as she goes, the love that she holds in her heart for the man that was taken too soon and the son that is the greatest blessing in my (and Christopher's) life; keeps Christopher's spirit and memory going. So one day I can show Ethan when he is older that even though his dad is gone, his life and the lessons we all learned from his passing touched the lives around him.

I guess what I am trying to say is, "Thank You to you all." Thank you for reading, for sharing your comments - they move me in a way that I don't think I could ever put words to at this moment. But trust me when I say - I read them and cherish one-by-one for what each one means to me. Thank you for taking time to follow this blog and most of all for leaving your thoughts with me. Again - words could never give the proper thank you, but trust me when I say it comes from my heart, expressed through my spirit and expounded upon through my soul.

Pax to you all...