The Way I Tend To Be

For all intended purposes, I am a realist with optimistic tendencies that tends to look at all sides of a situation before I will choose my happy-coated pragmatic version of reality. Follow that? Some people would basicly say that I "over think" things and just plain hope for the best, but mentally make back-up plans for when it all hits the fan (i.e. the worst)?

Call it being a free-spirited artist with CPAs for parents (and one of those parents being retired army). You see the picture starting to form? I'm a planner who wants to take her time, but still sticking to her schedule. Yeah, as I type this the formation of "oxymoron" is starting to develop in my head.

I tend to be hard on myself (but who isn't?). I make goals (and who doesn't?). Sometimes I finish those goals; sometimes I don't (we've all been there and done that). Recently, I made a goal for myself (with peer pressure from my neighbors) to run a 15k. First, let me say before I signed up I had never run 9 miles. The closest I came was 7 and not only did I hurt the next day (and wish I hadn't) but it had also been almost a year since. So why had I never challenged myself to this feat (or ever ran more than that 7)? Well, I tend to do things that I know I can do with my eyes closed. You know, the stuff you can do in your sleep without thinking about it. The easy stuff.

Call it being a single parent for the last few years. Time for myself is rare and squeezing in a run or work out here and there is tough. But, I knew I could rock out my 3-milers in 30 minutes with my eyes closed, be done and back to single mommy duties. It was easy. Piece of cake.

So this challenge came up. I pushed it off. And pushed it off. Thought about it for a little while. Pushed it off. Told myself I could do it. Then pushed it off. (See a pattern?) Then one day, while on my lunch hour, I signed up. The pragmatic side of me started planing how I would train for this. The optimistic side started telling my doubts in their cheerful little voices that I can always walk if I get tired... tee-hee-hee. Groan... was the sound from the other side of mental fence that tried to drown out everything. I went to sleep that night thinking, "what in the world did I just do...?"

Skip ahead to a month ago. I ran that 15k in the best time I had ever run in on a training run. I never stopped. I was so focused. It was like that random "army" gene from my dad kicked in and all I was focused on was finishing. Ignoring the cold. The pain and all the other distractions my mind tried to play on me while I was out there.

And somewhere in all of this... I signed up for a half marathon... Yeah... half of a marathon (insert half crazy jokes here). The way I looked at it was I had trained for almost 10 miles, what was another 3? Right? Makes sense to me. And since then, the pragmatic side of me started planing how I would train for this. The optimistic side started telling my doubts in their cheerful little voices that I can always walk if I get tired... tee-hee-hee. Groan... was the sound from the other side of mental fence that tried to drown out everything. I went to sleep that night thinking, "what the world did I just do...?"

Just like the way I was on the 15k. The way I tend to be when a challenge arises.

In one of my little freakout "what did I get myself into" moments I also had a moment of clarity. In an email to the MusicMan I came clean with the fact that this run "scares me". How was I to do this?

His response....

"At the beginning of the year you had never ran 9 miles. And I'm proud of the growth you have made."

Um... Point... Taken.... and handed to me on a plate with a side of humbled clarity.

I started to tear up at work, because he was right. His short, yet poignant email, the truth in all of this shined out. This whole thing - this whole running thing - has never been about how far I could run. It's been about spiritual and emotional growth. It's about the person I am on the inside growing with the strength that resides in the deepest parts of my soul that pushes me to always better myself. It doesn't matter how far you run if you forget how to stand on your own two feet.

This for me has been a challenge, but not just physical nature. I've discovered where I stashed my resilience and hid my fears. Yet with each run comes a growth that takes hold those hidden fears and brings them to the surface where at times I cry them out on runs and leave them there on the pavement. I don't need them anymore. I'm not afraid of them anymore and they don't need to "run" my life because I am the one in control of the "run", the distance, speed... you get all the running metaphors.

Truth is, this has taught me so much about myself and the way I tend(ed) to be. And while the way we all tend to be is what makes up who we are - there are things that we can always focus on and grow from. As individuals personal growth should always be a focus in our lives. Challenging the way we always tend to be. It's never too late to change something; your situation, your mental outlook, maybe even your path in life. Dreams aren't meant to only dance through at night; they should be always be considered potential and goals. We should never be afraid of them or attaining them. We should never let the way we tend to be get in our way.

Where to begin?

I think I've started this post about a dozen or so times; each start with something different. First, it was about the wedding. Then it was a year long wrap up since I haven't blogged in awhile. Then it was what I learned over the year about myself and this journey. Everything was abandoned due to that I just don't know where to start. I start to write about one part of life and I realize that a greater lesson was learned in another aspect of my life. So where do I start?

This year was crazy with planning the wedding and trying to combine two households, but we got it done (sorta... the house is a work in progress) and the wedding was amazing. I'm so very blessed to have a man in my life who not only respects the journey Ethan and I have been on, but loves us for that journey. He respects the memory of Christopher so much that I have to say if your journey is similar to mine and you are currently dating someone who doesn't respect it; then you should look elsewhere. Your journey is what makes you who you are. It's where most of your strength comes from. Your fears. And sometimes self-doubt. To love you is to love all the parts of you that brought "you" into their lives. Period. No exceptions. 

During our wedding the MusicMan and I wrote our vows to each other and to Ethan. My heart soared listening to him promise to Ethan that he would never replace the spot in his heart where his Dad sits, but to pick up where he left off and nurture him into the wonderful man we all know Ethan will grow to be. Let me say - there wasn't a dry eye in the house. 

The MusicMan also vowed to me to always help me see in myself what he sees everyday. And that, my friends, is an amazing testament to love. To work each day to ensure that the person your with always sees themselves in the same light you hold them in your heart. It's work, but work that should come with an ebb and flow that pours out from your soul with an ease that takes your breath away. I've been blessed to have this twice in my life.

I learned to love life so fully that at times when I run I think back to all I have done over this year and I'm brought to tears of joy. The MusicMan and I traveled to Aspen to see a friend of his get married around Labor Day. We realized this was our "first real adventure together"; our first trip where neither of us had been. It was new. Exciting. Beautiful. We went for a hike. Got caught in the rain. Ordered Pizza and local beer. We laughed about the cute things Ethan does. Talked about how we should come back. Go skiing. And most importantly...take more adventures! I learned that it was ok to make plans and love life to the fullest. 

I spent so much time living one day at time (sometimes one minute at a time) that I forgot what it meant to "plan" something fun and exciting and know that it will happen. It's a feeling I haven't felt in years and I will admit that I reveled in it. Like a lot. 

I've watched my little Muppet grow and flourish with each day that passed closer to the wedding. Ethan loves having two Daddies. He finds himself blessed to have/had both these men in his life and to this day I'm still learning from my Muppet. His perspective is eye-opening and at times I feel like he's more in tune with his surroundings than I am. I love that he has "guy" time with the MusicMan. They talk about gross boy stuff (like rat bones in owl pellets... don't ask) and they go out and throw the ball around when the weather is nice. Yes these are all things I did (well I may have toned down the gross conversations). But I've played the part of Mum and Dad and while there will still be times that I need to play both parts, Ethan has a male role model to look upon when he feels like he just can't talk to his mom about "guy stuff". 

Laughter in life for me has grown threefold. I remember at one point I didn't find the show "The Family Guy" funny any more and my grief therapist response was "oh, wow. you are depressed." But over the years I learned to laugh at myself, life and the crazy (sometimes interesting) things we can all get ourselves into. The MusicMan and I are the king and queen of one-liner emails that crack us both up (he will laugh just reading this). Life can be funny and we must all learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes. 

So with everything I learned in 2013 what does all this mean for 2014? Well I promise to be a better blogger and write more since the wedding is over. I might even get the MusicMan to write a post or two. I've asked him to write about the other side of the journey. What it's like dating someone who has lost a spouse. His spirit and support were and are so inspiring that I think it would be nice to hear from him on his views. As people who grieve we sometimes get carried away in our own hurt that we forget to look around us at the pain of others. Again I think his perspective would be interesting for people to read. 

I've made some personal goals for 2014 on the running front and you can read them on my other blog - I won't bore people with all my fitness goals. The MusicMan and I have worked on some new adventures that will happen in 2014. One being a FamilyMoon, a wedding for his cousin, more little weekend trips here and there and I hope we can document it all and share with everyone how a journey like this can turn into something completely beautiful. :) 

Pax to you all and to your New Year! 

The Stars

Last night while I walked Max (the dog) I started to compose in my head this blog post. It started as a letter to Christopher which then morphed into how I have two great loves in my life. Then turned into how we are really a family of four rather than the three (MusicMan, Ethan, me and Christopher). I thought being that it’s a week before the wedding what is the right thing to write about.

As I let my thoughts dance through what is right and what does my heart tell me to do, I felt the cool air on my face and I gazed up into the stars. I pondered if what I was looking at was Venus or Jupiter. I found myself grinning while the decision of “I could pull my phone out and use that fancy App to figure out the whole Venus vs Jupiter thing, but really, it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter” because these stars have seen everything. Jupiter, Venus, Mars, they were all there in the heavens when Christopher and I were married, they were there when he left this mortal plane and they will be there when the MusicMan and I say “we do” in one week. These stars have seen it all. The happiness, the sorrow and the glimmer of hope we all wish upon them.

I grinned because they have seen me run through the pain (literally and metaphorically). They have seen the tears. Heard the laugher that was silent for so long. And they will be there for years to come.

This has been a journey. At times it feels like it’s been longer than it has, and other times shorter. Today it has been 5 years since Christopher left this world. And in those 5 years I have done so much. So much more than I ever thought possible.

Everyone at some point in life has gone through something where they felt like life, God, the universe, cancer or something has been their enemy. An archnemesis determined to pull them down and into a cage with no way out. It’s easy to let our fear and doubts take control of our thoughts and let them cut at us until we bleed. And sometimes that needs to happen so that we will be embraced in total darkness so that when we start to see the faint light of hope glow it can burn brighter that we ever thought possible.

Sometimes you have to take that fear and doubt and let them know you won’t fall for their lies anymore. You have to understand that their shadow will always live with you, but that you choose to focus on the light and keep that shadow behind you. It will still be a part of where you have been and what you have been through. You just choose not to have it in front of you, always between you and your goals or your happiness.

I went through this. Under the very stars I was gazing upon last night, at some point, I discovered I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I am mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been. I fell. I screamed. I picked myself up and fell some more. But each time I picked myself up and focused on how to stand on my own two feet. And while not always easy, I had the love and support of my friends and family when I needed it the most.

It wasn’t easy and at times when I think about it, I am in awe of myself.

I was blessed to have Christopher in my life. He was a kind loving man that would run to the ends of world for me and Ethan. I couldn’t have asked anyone to love me anymore than he did. And yet, next week I will marry a man whose love is equally as strong as Christopher’s has been.  I have been blessed to have both these great men in my life. There aren’t many people who can say that they have been love(d) so equally and that both men were brought into their life with such great meaning.

This has been a journey. One that makes an amazing love story on so many levels. One that shows strength and perseverance. A story that movies have tried to copy, but only God under his stars could write.

Today, I am happy. I am in love. I am strong. I took control of my fears and I am so glad I did. I’ve learned how to take what I’ve learned over this journey to help others and it has made me see that my journey wasn’t just for me.

Today, under these very stars I am blesses to have Christopher and the MusicMan.

Family

Anyone that reads this blog knows that for me, running is therapeutic. It's time to myself and my thoughts. It's the time that I let go of the daily, weekly or monthly stresses and leave them on the side of the road. It's time that I also spend talking to God. Reflecting on things that have happened and things that I’m mentally preparing for that are coming up. It’s time where my mind is free to wonder through my daydreams, sort through the nightmares of fears and contemplate, on top of everything else, how far I’ve come. And well, lets just say I run a whole LOT more than I used too. Like 6-10 miles more a weekend lot. Nutshell… I spend allot of time reflecting and talking to God.

Recently, certain topics have dwelled and lingered in my thoughts. The concepts weren't new by any stretch of the imagination. They are more of a deeper reflection on older thoughts, concepts and the realization that, yes, distant prayers are sometimes answered when we least expect them to be.

Now first, before I dive right in, let me say this is a rather hard topic for me to write about and express in a way that does it justice. It’s a topic close to my heart. It's the concept of family.

Christopher had a great phrase for our family dynamic that he used to say all the time. "Family is not defined by blood, but by love." He believed that just because you were born into a family didn’t automatically make you family. For you to feel like you are a part of a family you need to feel love.

So right now some of you are nodding your heads in agreement and completely understanding where this statement comes from. Perhaps you can possibly relate to it in one form or fashion on your own personal levels. And well, some of you won't. It will be bitter to your thoughts and your mind has already come up with half a dozen rebuttals. Either way is ok because each person’s personal experience is different and each feeling is unique to you.

However, I beleive this statement is so powerful that I have written down in a journal for Ethan for when he gets older. Why? Because it's a testament to the journey our lives have been on.

When I was little I had one set of grandparents I really got to know in life. My Mum's Mum and Dad (aka, my Gran and Papa). They were the world to me and it broke my heart when they both passed, but I have always known that I was blessed because I got to share my life with them for a while. My dad's parents were a different story.

My Dad's Dad passed away shortly after I was born and his Mom when I was in middle school (if memory serves me correct). And there are days while I sit at my desk pondering out my office window what it would have been like to really know them other than photos. See, my Dad's Dad did what I do for a living (in a roundabout way) and that is fascinating to me. What I wouldn't give to sit and talk to him about how life in our fields has changed so dramatically and share with him what I work on now. But that is a conversation that will have to wait for years to come when it's my time to leave this mortal plane. But it does cross my mind from time to time.

Due to my own childhood experiences with my own grandparents, I often times reflect on Ethan's experience. He has my parents who will (should) be with him for many years to come and his bond with them is a strong and beautiful one. It reminds me allot of my relationship with my Gran and Papa. Christopher's mom left this mortal plane years ago before Ethan was born and his dad… well, he's not in Ethan's life and I'm ok with that. In fact, to set the record straight, I asked for it for my own personal reasons. Period. End of story. And that's all I have to say about that.

So I always thought that Ethan's life with his grandparents would almost mirror that of my own - only knowing one set of people as his grandparents. That is until the MusicMan. I don't think I would/could ever be able to put into words the amount of love and acceptance that his family brings into our lives. They truly love Ethan for him and the funny little ways he expresses himself. They invite us over and watch him from time-to-time so they can get to know him. They go to school plays and make it when they can to his sports games. In their eyes, Ethan is their grandchild. He's not a step-"insert name" he's one of theirs, he/we are family and that is rare.

But it doesn't stop with just them. The MusicMan's brothers, sister and extended family are the same way. When they come for a visit and Ethan and I walk through the door they yell out Ethan’s name and give him a big hug and tell him that they couldn't wait to see him. It truly is magical to watch his little face light up when this happens. It's even more heartwarming when he tries so hard to remember all their names in the car before we get there (the MusicMan has a way bigger family than I do). Ethan loves them all in a way that I never thought possible for his life and they love him equally just the same. He doesn’t question how they fit into his life as family and neither do they.

Ethan will get to experience something I never had. Two sets of grandparents.

He will get to understand the statement Christopher fell back on years before Ethan was born to explain his own relationship with his parents. "Family his not defined by blood, but by love."

It's sad to say that just because you are born into a family doesn't always mean that you feel the love and support of what family can bring to you. It's sad to say, and painful to experience if you are the one that goes through it; but we have all seen it or heard a story of someone who has had to go through it.

Then there are those families out there that love those brought into their lives with no questions asked; their hearts overflow with so much joy that you bring into their lives. They support you. They cherish what you bring into their lives and accept you as their own family even though you might never have been born into it. It's an amazing set of people who can do that. My parents did it with Christopher. The MusicMan's family does it with Ethan and I. It's an amazing feeling; to be loved by people who accept you as their own family. It's a blessing in my life and in Ethan's.

Years down the road I think this will be an amazing lesson for Ethan. It won't be one that I have to explain or teach to him. It will be one that is built on a thick foundation of love and will grow with each passing day. Ethan is blessed to have all the people that call him family in his life from all sides of mine, Christopher’s and now the MusicMan’s family.

Ethan will get something I didn’t have, two sets of grandparents to look up to for love, strength and support. Two sets of people who get to watch him grow into the amazing man I know in my heart he will be. It's a prayer I often lifted up to God to answer and felt as if this was one prayer that he just wasn't going to answer. And yet, years later he has, not in the way I expected or would have asked for… but he answered it. He brought family together through love.

#love #balance #blessed

It's been awhile since I last wrote and what can I say? Planning a wedding when you are younger and don't have a child (or a job) makes for a much smoother planning process. :) However, with that said, it warms my heart to share all the little details with my Muppet and hear him exclaim with such joy in his heart that he "can't wait" for the MusicMan to be his dad and live here.

I won't lie I was worried how the whole "this will be your other daddy" conversation would go with Muppet. But again, my little (wiser than his years) man put things in a whole new perspective. One day after picking him up from his after school care we started in our routines of sharing what was each of our favorite parts of the day and anything that might have happened that we might need a hug for. No, I don't share with Ethan really bad things, but I do share when the Internet goes down at work or Mommy forgot to save her work and had to start a project over. I want him to know that we all make mistakes and have bad days - it's a part of life.

However, this day after our little conversation the car went quiet for a moment. I glanced up in the rear view mirror just long enough to see him put his tiny hand to his chin, gazing out the car window. I glanced back to the road and the mental image of The Thinker popped instantly into my thoughts. Then suddenly from the back seat the silence was broken and I heard, "Mommy, you know God blessed me twice?"

"Twice? How so?" I wandered quickly through my thoughts trying to anticipate his response and what mine would be in turn.

"I have two daddies. God gave me two daddies. One in the sky and one on the earth." (Insert happy loving sigh as he looked back out the car window.)

I didn't know what to say. All my energy was being focused on trying to hold the tears back and hide my reaction behind my sunglasses. Here was my little Muppet who is now almost as tall as I am and has the most amazing sense of perspective, love and positive outlook on life (more than I could personally hope to have in all my lifetime). I've come to realize that Ethan is more than a gift from God, he is sign and tool of God's grace and goodness. Ethan's life could have turned out completely different, but Ethan himself chooses a path of light and love. And does it with such ease and grace.

He's the kid who will always play with other kids that have bullied him in the past. Whenever I ask him why he still plays with these boys who have hurt his feelings he just looks up at me with those loving little eyes and tells me "Mommy, they are my friends. They are good people, they just make bad choices and I just don't play with them when they make bad choices."

(Blink. Blink. Blink.)

Yes... That is my Muppet. He's a kind and loving soul that is a sage among men eight times his years. He teaches me daily and I admire the little man he is and will grow to be.

So here we were again - he was teaching me another valuable lesson. He knew (and knows) that the MusicMan wasn't replacing Christopher as his dad, only picking up where he left off. He sees our MusicMan as a blessing that while some kids only get one father, Ethan has two that he loves greatly. And knows in his heart that the both of them love him equally as well.

Ethan, in his own way, with only the few little words he spoke, showed me that love is boundless no matter what. That your heart is an endless plain of hope that grows with whatever situation life brings to you. With that comes a great balance that life, God, the universe (whatever you put your faith into) brings into everything you hold dear. Everything in live is a blessing, it's up to us to take time and let love and balance show us how blessed in this life we really are. 

Life, is in a way, a trifecta of #love, #balance and #blessings. My Muppet taught me that. You can claim one, both or all three. However, when you have all three life presents itself in a whole new light. One where the world is open to your heart and you to it's. One that brings you peace in the life that you may have never understood. 

Life can bring you many things that pull us down. Just the average workday can pull you down. But when you stop. Reflect. Enjoy everything in life. Things change. You're perspective changes. Ethan is blessed because he will soon have two dads. He knows that in his heart and his mind. I am blessed to have a child wiser than his own mommy at times to help enlighten me to things I might have overlooked and stressed one gray hair too many over.  We are both blessed to have a man in our lives that makes us feel so very special no matter what is going on in either of our lives. He's there for us when we need him the most. And so our lives are filled with #love, #balance and #blessings. 

One Step Closer

It was Friday around 3pm when the world stood still. The trees rustled with leaves of yellow and orange hues against their dark trunks. For that brief moment in time there were only two people who existed standing next to each other on a cool, damp afternoon. The sounds of the day were muted with only the sounds of one man and his beating heart. Images flashed before my eyes like I was reliving all that I had gone through through the last few years. 

In an instant I was brought to the day that I had convinced myself that I would never be in another relationship; that the idea of being a single-mom for the rest of my life was not only God's plan, but a plan that I could live with. How was I ever going to love when my life was filled with so much fear and loss? How was I going to share my life with someone when my heart had built a wall to protect not only myself, but the love I shared with someone else? The person who was my whole world, my friend, my everything. I was afraid to ever love and open myself up to anyone again because I was afraid of being hurt by something so out of my control. Little did I know, that understand why I closed myself off was just one step closer to unlocking all the pain and really listening to what God's (the universe, whatever it is you put your faith into) plan for me was.

It was a Saturday that I went on a run that changed my life. God shut down all the outside noise of my iPod so that he and I could talk. And I could really listen. My mind was cleared of all that stood in front of me and I was left with just the words and signs that God, the universe or whatever it is you believe in put in front of me that morning. I finished that run and fought back tears that I not only finished a 5k (my first ever), but there was a release that happened when I crossed that finish line. Fear started to leave and it was filled slowly with strength and reaffirmation of my faith. My eyes were open for the first time in a long time and the sounds that I forced myself not to hear started to make a faint and distant sound. I was one step closer to releasing all the misconceptions that I forced myself to believe in. 

On a vacation trip with my family I woke up one morning and started to realize how much someone meant in my life. When I thought about him I wanted to text him and see how his day was going, but I was still so full of doubt. Doubt in letting myself go somewhere I didn't think I could ever come back from. Doubt over the idea that my heart may fall and break into a million pieces all over again. Maybe it was better to just keep myself walled up on the inside. Safe from all that could possibly happen. Little did I know that I was one step closer to letting everything go. 

On a January afternoon I sat at my computer and let my fingers run across a keyboard trying to explain to the world how I was with a man I had nicknamed "The MusicMan". I was again flooded with the idea of fear. How people would react? I was scared that some might find it disrespectful and others would be too overjoyed. As my fingers danced over letters and my eyes darted with each word, my mind processed it all and I was filled with a sense of joy, happiness and peace. I was writing about a man that not only cared about me and my son, but respected all that we had gone through. 

He was the one who taught me that the package deal I had always thought was just Ethan and I was a complete misconception on my part. The package deal was me, Ethan and Christopher. He taught me that people have a past and it can't be ignored but cherished for how it molds the person they are to become and will be in life. At times, I felt like I was in a fairy tale that I would wake up and find everything wasn't real. How could this man be so compassionate towards what I went through and yet so strong to put up with me and my sometimes emotional hurricanes that blew through from time to time? But he did and he brought me one step closer to understanding that I didn't need to know everything in God's plan, I just needed to put faith in myself and trust in that there is one. 

He supported me through the 5ks we ran, the life choices I made for Ethan and myself and and even when I changed the way I ate he found ways to keep me on track. When I was hard on myself he would come over and tell me to look at him, and to gaze upon his eyes was hard. For in them I saw the way he sees me. Strong. Gentle. Loving. Bull-headed. A Fighter. A Mother. Independent. Rough around the edges. Sometimes full of fear. Yet with the gentle touch of his hand and the way pushes my hair around my ear all that leaves me and am replaced with peace. In that brief moment I am allowed to be transparent and all that consumed me to be let go. I am allowed to be me. The "d" I thought I once lost. I was just one step closer to understanding what this man meant to me. 

It was a cool September morning that the MusicMan and I ran a 5k together and ran it side-by-side. It was in that run that my heart swelled with such joy and happiness. Here was a man that supported me in so many ways that my words often fail me when I want so desperately to explain to him that everything he does for me and what it means to deepest recesses of my soul. Here in that run was the physical manifestation of everything that he had done for me. By my side: when life speeds up, slow downs, feels like an uphill climb or downhill coast; he is there by my side pushing me through when I need it the most. 

In his eyes I find the grace and beauty this world has. The touch of his hand takes away all my worries and fears and replaces them with peace.  There isn't a morning that goes by that before my eyes have opened and my feet hit the floor that I haven't already thanked God, the universe, or whatever it is you believe in that the MusicMan is apart of mine and Ethan's life. His love and support truly has brought me one step closer to where I am today. At peace and happy.

It was a Friday around 3pm when the world stood still at the Dallas Museum of Art. While all these images flashed before me and where I had come from; the journey this world has brought me through; I watched in awe as the man who had helped me, supported me, let my tears and sobs fill his ears, knelt down on one knee before the battleground of memories that flashed before me. His gentle eyes gazing up at me; he uttered the words, 

"You make my life beautiful as the work of art that sits here. Will you always make my life beautiful? Denise will you marry me?"

I fought to hold back the tears that wanted to push through and enjoyed the moment of how time stool still for us. I took one step closer and hugged him. I could feel both our hearts beating fast in rhythm with each other. Every breath, every sigh, every tear that had been ever shed during every hour of every day and every year had come to this... 

My heart grew to include another who's love was different; yet equal in it's strength. God's plan that had laid out over the course of time was unveiling it's self briefly to me that even with great sorrow there is always a plan. One only needs to trust in it; to put all of themselves to it.

I've overcome so much and in that I've had the strength of one man to show me what it meant to be loved by the inside out and what love feels like from the inside out. I learned how to be a fighter and never let the world take from me what means the most to me and Ethan. Then I was blessed to have another man come into my life that showed me what great friendship means and how love can be found again when you least expect it. How letting yourself be loved is sometimes the most difficult task, but when you allow yourself to tear down the walls that surround your heart and open yourself up; another great love can be brought to you. Everything in time. One step closer to God's plan.

(ps... I did say yes and my little muppet is to the moon and back with excitement!)

A Muppet's Perspective

I know I haven't written in awhile. Life with a six-year-old can be one where days seem to pass with the blink of an eye and I'm left wondering where all the time went. October 12th was the 4 year anniversary of Christopher's passing and the day that I made (in my own eyes) a brave choice. I won't lie, I prayed for months over this. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was gut wrenching at times. My stomach twisted and turned with the pros and cons of what it meant to me and Ethan. My mind went back and forth with "should I?" or "shouldn't I?" In the end, I chose the answer to be "yes"… On that fateful Friday (October 12th) I explained in my words, and the only way my soul would let me, to Ethan what made that day special… that on that day 4 years ago his dad left this mortal plane and went to heaven. 

Up to this point I always made that day special for him and I. I have always taken that day off to remember the sacrifice and fight that Christopher made for us. Working (for me) on that day seems trite and I choose to fill it full with reflection, meditation, running and enjoying the little things with my Muppet. For Ethan this day means being able to ride his bike to school, lunch with mommy and a trip to visit daddy and partake in some cupcakes (i.e. - cupcakes with daddy). Up to this point I made the day special without ever sharing "why". It was just special in it's own right. 

Why did I do this? Well for one, I didn't want Ethan's life to pass through the whirlwind of time we all get caught up in and never know or understand what October 12th meant to us. For him. I never wanted him to look back and ask why I kept that day to myself and in return possibly mark his life with feelings of death being something horrible and to never be spoken of aloud. I've always been very upfront with Ethan on everything else concerning his father and it just seemed like it was time to explain and bring everything full circle into Ethan's understanding. This moment has always weighed heavily on my mind because I knew the day would eventually come. I wasn't sure when that day would come, but at some point I knew it needed to be explained. And I needed to do it soon. I didn't want time to pass between me and my thoughts; then one day Ethan knows because he can read the marker that sits so perfectly where his dad is laid to rest.

Every choice I've made in my life has always come with a reflection of what that choice meant to Ethan. To me. To the both of us. I have always been cautious, always looking at both sides of everything before I made my choice. I consulted my therapist. Ethan's play therapist. I prayed over and over for guidance in something that I knew only I would know the answer too. I knew that only I would know if the time was right and if Ethan could handle it. 


During the week leading up to this Friday I was a rubber band of nerves. Some days stretched me to my emotional limit while other days bounced quickly back from other emotions that flooded my mind. But that week was consumed with the thoughts of how I was going to explain this to my little Muppet. As I drove home with Ethan during that week, we talked about his days at school; the highs and lows of his day.  From the back of the car there was a brief moment of silence then, "Ummm, Mommy…. you know Friday is donuts with dad at school?"

My eyes rolled swiftly back behind my sunglasses and my heart sank. The school puts on a book fair kickoff with a morning where Dad's come to school with their kids to partake in donuts and walk through the book fair (emotional marketing at it's finest). I responded after a brief pause with, "Oh really…." To be honest I wasn't sure what to say because the correlation between the fact that I was going to break some rather big news to my little Muppet on the day he was asking about blew my mind. My thoughts were interrupted with, "Mommy, do you think Mr (MusicMan) would go with me? If he can't it's ok… maybe he can just bring me donuts that day if he comes over?" 

My eyes slowly, yet quickly, flooded with tears that I wouldn't let fall. Here was my muppet who knew his dad was in heaven and yet he has a bond with the MusicMan that is so very special that he would ask if he could go with him to Donuts with Dad. I told him that Mr (MusicMan) was going to come over that night and that he should ask him if he would like to go. Ethan quickly ended with an "ok" and moved onto the next topic that happened at school that randomly floated into his head at that moment.

Meanwhile, my head started to turn and swirl with everything that was leading up to a day I wasn't sure if I could tell Ethan how the day we were approaching made it special to us…. That night Ethan did ask the MuiscMan to go with him to "Donuts with Dad" and I was so very blessed that the MusicMan's response was one I wasn't expecting. He calmly told Ethan that he needed to talk to me about it and he would let him know. Then while Ethan took a shower the MusicMan turned to me and asked me my feelings on it. He expressed how he didn't want to invade into the day knowing what it meant and what I was about to tell Ethan on that day, but he would be more than happy to take Ethan to Donuts with Dad if I was ok with it. 

My soul swelled with pride. Pride for a man that not only respects me and Ethan, but the memory of someone he never even knew. There was no explaining to him all the thoughts that ran into my head. He already knew them because he puts Ethan and I first in his life. And that made my response even easier. I didn't have to think about it, I already knew that if Ethan wanted it and the MusicMan - I wanted it for them. I knew that the MusicMan wanted to do this for my Muppet and that makes the bond between them even more special in my heart.

The MusicMan jumped off the sofa with a swiftness and walked over the bathroom door and yelled into bathroom to Ethan that he would be happy to take him. My heart beat with a proudness in both these men. One for the little man who loves life with so much zest and zeal that it shows in the twinkle of his eye and his soft little sighs. And for the man who loves both of us for not only us, but what we have been through. For a man who thinks about how we will feel and walks with those emotions with a firm foot and soft step. 

Friday morning the MusicMan came over around 6:30am and took Ethan off to school for the morning donut event. I went for a run. 

My run was once again filled with memories; good and bad. Filled with thoughts of all the blessings in my life that God, the universe or whatever it is you believe in brought into my life. I had an amazing love with a man who fought tooth and nail for me and our child. He showed me that strength comes from within. 

I thought about all the people that were and are in our lives; who where there for us helping us when times got rough. The kindest of strangers that flooded my house for months with food, blessings, cards, and more than I could have ever imagined. 

Thoughts of where life has taken me. How at that very moment a man was sitting eating donuts with my Muppet and I knew in his heart he was enjoying every moment. He wasn't replacing Christopher, just picking up where Christopher couldn't. 

My mind started building a stage where I could see my Muppet and MusicMan sitting across from each other talking about Batman and Star Wars. I could see Ethan's little laugh and the MusicMan's smile in the conversation. I could see beyond all else the bond these two had. From there I drifted into a conversation with Christopher where I expressed some things I was holding onto. Things that are private to me and him, but I needed to share with him my thoughts and let go some of the pain over his cancer I carried around. I told him I knew he was in a better place - one filled with light and love. 

I went on to explain to him that I felt like the Widow from the bible who goes and gives all her money to a temple treasury. How Jesus explained to his followers that "this poor widow cast more in than all that have cast into the treasury; for they all cast in of their abundance, but she of her want cast in all that she had, even all her living." 

I reached a point in my life where I knew, to understand and be at peace with everything in my life, I needed to give my all into my healing, to opening my heart and most of all the faith in God's plan. I knew that while I could always give what I felt comfortable with; it wouldn't be what was right and healthy for Ethan or I. I needed to be that widow in the temple and just give all that I had, even all of my living…

That day I ran 3.3 miles for the 33 years of Christopher's life. 

The rest of the day was filled with meditation and lunch with my Muppet. After lunch I picked him up from school and we came home. After a little snack I asked him to sit with me. I thought for a moment I would chicken out and remembered my conversation with Christopher and the widow from the bible. I asked Ethan if he knew why this day was so special. 

"Ummm, because we get cupcakes with Daddy?" he replied. I smiled and said, "well yes… sorta." I went on and explained how his dad on this day lost his battle with cancer, but not because he didn't try, because he tried really hard, but in the end it wasn't God's plan. I explained how on this day he went to heaven and that is what makes this day special.


Ethan quickly looked at me and smiled with his impish little grin and said, "so it's Daddy's birthday!"

Ummm, what? Say what? My mind raced with what did I explain wrong? How of all things did Ethan get that today was his dad's birthday? Then before I could fathom how to word my response Ethan put his hand on mine and said…

"Mommy today is Daddy's birthday because today is the day he went to heaven. So it's his birthday into heaven. Right?"

My heart swelled with the thought that my child is sometimes wiser than his years at times and how it's in his perspective that I've learned so much. I was expecting tears, confusion, something other than the epiphany that this day was Daddy's birthday into heaven. Such a positive twist that I never even thought to consider. A perspective that only my Muppet would have. 

That little moment that I spent so much of my time dwelling over and making me sick at times was over and gone in an instant. It was again as if God, the universe or whatever it is you believe in was telling me that when you give yourself over to the things you can't control, it all works out in the end. Sometimes it's just takes a new little perspective…

Pax.