My Alpha and My Omega

I am the Godmother to a wonderful little boy who turns one today. To fully express what this tender little child means to my life would be an understatement of what my words could ever express on paper; in a way he was, is and shall always be a true blessing in my life.

I vividly remember the night his mother, my good friend Amber, called to say they were expecting child number two. I was sitting in the living room, thinking about an upcoming CT scan that Christopher was going to take. With gently closed eyes, I sat saying my nightly prayers that "this" would be the CT scan that would show that the cancer stopped growing or shrank twice as more than anyone had hoped. These were always the prayers that filled my head about a month before he would go in for a scan. Before I reached the end of my prayers of a life with no cancer and everything that would go with it - the phone rang. After our friendly exchange I knew something was different or that there was something that was preoccupying her mind, so I asked... "what's up?" Amber asked me, "well hey... if I come for another visit could you take some pictures of me...." My eyes went from being completely focused to completely glazed over. I knew the reason for the phone call and the question in less time than it took for me to breathe. "We're expecting!"

I paused, took a deep breath and told my friend that I was so happy for her. And I was. But I was also so very sad. It blanketed over me as if someone had pulled a dark cover over my eyes. When I got off the phone I quickly called Christopher with tears in my eyes and in good ole Christopher fashion he knew that something was wrong before I could even say hello. I explained about the great joy that was brought into their lives and how happy I was for them, how this must be a wonderfully exciting time for them. Christopher stopped me, "d, your upset. You're upset, because.... well... we can't have another child right now. But I promise, as soon as I'm off chemo - you, me and kiddo number two… OK."

He was right. I could feel it in my guy like some strange alien that was hatching from my belly. A green-eyed monster, if you will. Here was a couple that was living the dreams, hopes and desires that Christopher and I held tightly with both hands, white knuckles and prayed nightly for. A dream of not having to worry about cancer, the hope of more children and the desire to fill Ethan's life with a sibling. And yet we could hope and dream, but we couldn't really act on it. Only hold it in our hand like a kids list to Santa and think - if I believe in him, Santa would bring it to me right? So that's what we did. And did. And did, till I got the phone call that changed everything.

Shortly after the phone call, I called Amber and explained to my expecting friend that my husband was dying; to which her, her hubby and their almost one year old hopped a plane and flew in for a week. Their visit was a blessing. Amber helped take care of some things that mentally I could not, and Marcus her husband helped me with Christopher on our visits to the doctor and outings where Christopher wanted out of the house.

While they were here Amber told me she wanted me to be her child's Godmother. And I was so honored and yet I couldn't muster up any emotional excitement from being completely drained from trying to wrap my head around the idea that my life was changing on a level that I wasn't expecting to happen for another 50 to 60 years. Time passed, Christopher passed away and I started trying to figure out how to be a single parent.

Months went on and as I approached Christopher's first birthday that he wouldn't be here to share it with us, I started thinking about all the other things that Christopher wouldn't be here for. And like any train of thought; it picked up speed and left me emotionally crashing when I came across the thought that I would never be able to live the dream of more children with Christopher. Then came the thought that the love I held in my heart for more children or to share in Ethan's life the joy of a sibling might not ever be expressed. This derailed train often came into a halt on the cusp of the thought that if one day I found someone to love and they had children - could I love another child that wasn't mine with the same fire that I hold in my heart for Ethan? And that is where my "over thinking" took over my thoughts and I think I even came to the conclusion that I would just never open my heart up to anyone because, well… it was just easier to think that life would be easier if I didn't have to do the mental work that needed to be done to even talk about these feelings with my therapist.

Then almost two weeks later something wonderful happened; a beautiful child was brought into the world and I was his Godmother. As I looked at the photos that came to me, I felt this feeling starting to grow and expand into my soul. It was the same feeling I felt when Ethan was born. It was warm and filling; it was love. I felt a feeling I didn't think I ever could, I more than cared for a child that wasn't brought into this world my me. This little boy who lived miles away and knew nothing of me was changing my thoughts on love, life and what it meant to be who I was.

I found my mornings filled with the thoughts of two little boys. The little man that reminds me daily of his daddy, who’s laugh is so intoxicating you just have to laugh with him and for no reason other than her cares, comes to me and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me; my beautiful little muppet. Then there is a little man who's blue eyes warm my heart and who smile just makes you want to reach through his photos and hug him and you can’t help but grin when you look at him. My evenings were filled with bed time stories for my muppet and kisses good night and hearing stories about the strides my Godchild took that day and listening to the “coos” that he made.

I have often thought of these two little men in my life as my Alpha and my Omega. The first and last letters of the Greek alphabet that have been used since the fourth century to express the bounding nature of God’s divinity. The bible even refers to Christ as this in reference to the everlasting and almighty power that he holds. God, Christ, the universe (again whatever it is that you believe in) existed before anything else and will exist after all else ceases.

The place I hold in my heart for these two little boys is endless and it was created before they ever came upon this earth and I will still feel this way even after the Lord tells me it’s my time. They are the first thoughts of my day and the last. They are a part of my totality and what makes me; me. They are with my thoughts always and forever and the love I share for both of them is not defined by a bloodline but the way my heart holds them together in it. They are both my little muppets who I care and love more than anything and I would spend a thousand lifetimes trying to show them this if I had the chance.

Happy First Birthday Aidan. You taught me a valuable lesson in life – one that I would never be able to explain to you, but that one day I hope you understand through the love I hold in my heart for you how much you mean to me.