To My Blog Reader Who Lost His Brother

Today while answering my first blog question I got a comment post from a blog reader who lost his brother on this very day to suicide. While reading it my heart went out him. The guilt that he held in his heart and yet the feeling of "what if" that ran through his post was such that I needed to reach out to him. So I have put answering my first question on hold for this post; for my reader.

My dear friend,

I wish I could say that your situation isn't one that I have been through; and honestly I personally haven't, but Christopher had and with that I saw what he went through. Christopher lost two cousins to suicide only just a few years apart from one another. I remember each day when he got the call and how he just sat there staring off into space while he tried to wrap his head around the news he had just heard. He was in shock and you could see that proverbial train of thought run off it's tracks as the tears flowed down his face.

I remember one day I asked him if he was ok and in good ole Christopher fashion he took every volatile emotion that he was feeling that might bring his happy world down - wrapped it up as tight as he could and swallowed it whole. What followed that was a straight faced look and then he would tell me he was "ok." But I knew better and I knew that was his way of saying he needed more time and space to completely understand what had just happened.

You are going to go through bouts of "what ifs and yeah that's it".

"What if I had just called more? Yeah, had I called more - things would be different."

"What if I had just reach out during those years? Yeah, had I just took his hand and guided him a little more this wouldn't have happened."

"What if I had just sat my dad and my brother down and did some sort of personal family intervention? Yeah, had I done that-we would all be in a very different place."

But you can't keep your self in that frame of mind. Grief is a process and one where all steps need to be taken. There will be steps that you seem to fly through and yet fall on frequently and that's ok. For me it was anger. I would go through denial and then get angry that I allowed my self to go there. I would have fits of sadness only to get angry with myself for being sad that Christopher was in a place of light and love and no longer pain. Then came acceptance; followed by the anger of how could I accept such a tragic point in my life. But the important part was I went through all the steps. You're feelings right now are, for the most part, a state of shock. The idea that time will move on and your brother won't be there to share them would be a shock to any one's system.

But you are right, you have a wife and children and they will be there for you. They will be there to show you how to break the sun into a million little pieces so that you can see the light in the darkness of this forest of grief. Don't be surprised if your dad goes through his own grief in a different way. Grief brings out guilt in people that they never thought they had. And please remember this my dear friend, your dad might go through this. He might see the error of ways he never thought at the time were wrong and maybe he just might turn to you for acceptance in his sorrow and maybe this turn takes years for him to get to. This is where his healing will begin and you must try to be there for him no matter how much time might pass between the two of you. You might have to help him go through the process of his own understanding that yes, while actions of the past might have been a contributing factor and might not, but it is important that he can look back and forgive himself for anything he might hold in his heart that would keep it from healing.

Parents are hard on their kids and some parents aren't hard enough. That's how it is when we become parents. Just remember that your dad never loved your brother any different or less; he just maybe didn't know how to always show it. Everything in life can be a lesson and one that we can debate over and over or one that changes us profoundly. Sometimes during our grief we come to the most profound reasoning and understandings. I'm sure you will encounter the same thing; it will all be when time and your mind rest long enough to allow you ponder these thoughts.

I won't lie my dear reader; this is going to be a rough and rocky path. One that only with time will the wound on your heart start to heal and it may take months and years to fully heal. There maybe times when you think you have complete control of your life and the emotions that you hold on the inside, then something as simple as someone telling you "hi" or hearing a song on the radio will break you down into tiny little bits of broken glass and trying to put your self back together will hurt as you will find those little nicks take longer to heal; but they will.

The cruel and yet beautiful thing about all of this is life still moves forward. Your kids will continue to grow and you need to use that give you the strength you need to moved forward and find that peace that surpasses all understanding.

I don't know if these words will find you any comfort. But I am glad you reached out to me. My suggestion for the next few months; focus on the day and if you can't; focus on the minute or a second. You can make it through this. It is important to cry and often. When you kids ask, tell them that "Daddy is just sad, but it's ok to be sad." Crying is our body's way of expelling stress and I'm sure your have your boat full of it at the moment. My last suggestion would be to find a group of people that have shared the same experience. And if going to a group talking to a bunch of strangers isn't your cup of tea (heck it wasn't mine for my own reasons) - then I would suggest a personal grief therapist. If that isn't really an option, then I would suggest getting a journal - write in it everything that you feel; even if it's "why, why, why" over and over from cover to cover.

My friend, if you need anything please feel free to comment in the comment section of my blog. I will keep them private and not post them; sometimes it's good just to know that someone is there listening. I pray that God, the universe (whatever it is that you faith brings you to) gives you the wisdom of understanding and the strength to make it through this.

Pax,

-d

PS - And to my reader whom this post is for (and any other readers) I've started a twitter feed for this blog. Please feel free to follow (ThenThereWasTwo) and you can ask me questions or even reach out for support.