Peace That Surpasses Understanding

In these last few weeks, there has been a ton of things that have weighed heavily on my mind; the past month, the events of the month ahead and what waits for me in a few months. This Friday it will be 8 months since Christopher has passed and, yes, I talk about all the great things Ethan and I are doing and how this struggle seems a little easier knowing he's looking down on us, but there has always been a part of all of this that eats at me. A part that wants to "throw" (ok, well, maybe more like hurl) it all out there and hell-be-damned if someone tries and tell me I am wrong for feeling this way. But I never have - I just dance around that "fire" poking at it with a stick from time to time. More so to see if I get rise out of people, because I never felt in my heart that anyone truly understood that part of my pain in all of this. And to be honest, I don't think no one ever will; nor do I want them too.

One of the things that amazed me the most about Christopher was his understanding in everything around him. He knew there were reasons beyond his understanding. Either good or bad, he knew that he always had to be the better man in anything that was put in front of him. Because in the end no matter what little white, black or red lies we tell our selves to make us feel better - God knows. And God is the only person we have to answer to for what we did during our time on this mortal plain.

I was never that person. I awlays wanted justice; swift and sweet, eye-for-an-eye, feel my pain for what you did, sorta person. I was the person that saw a car speeding or riding on some one's bumper and I would tell my self "where is there a cop when you need one." And if there was a cop and he did catch the speeder, I revelled in their getting a ticket - karma bit them in the ass and the world seemed more balanced for it.

So one of my struggle is where is the balance in all of this? Where is that fairness that we are taught as children? To share and treat others as we would want to be treated; and all the other things our parents tell us we have to do to be good people. Where? Tell me, because no matter where I look - I don't see it.

Then I read something that raised an eye brow and in good-ole-"d" fashion, I mulled over it for two weeks (maybe a little longer). This was something that drove Christopher nuts was the fact that when I think about something - I "THINK" about in 360 degrees, wrapping my head around every facet and time is not a factor in this examination of something new. For only when we have looked at something at all angles can we have equanimity in our choices. The statement was "peace that surpasses understanding". This was a very interesting statement. How can you have peace when you don't understand it your self? I spent many a night watching my episodes of "Lost" on DVD only to realize after 2 hours that I didn't watch anything because my mind wondered back to this statement trying to figure out what it meant to me. These are my "revelations" if you will.

There are (and will be) several times in our lives that things happen and we don’t understand, and/or we may wonder why. This is particularly difficult if we were in the mindset of that this life is supposed to be fair and just, but it's not and it never will be. We can even further complicate things if we erroneously think that faithfulness to God is a guarantee of blessing and reward in this life. I have come to understand and accept the reality that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. In this life; sometimes the wicked prosper, and other times the righteous reign victorious. Sometimes nefarious people get away with things, and the decent people of the world are unduly condemned.

So what's the bottom line you ask? After all the bible mum-bo-gumbo, what does it really all mean? What it means to me; let me see if I can sum it up. That pain that I have carried around for over 13 years - is gone. It is not mine to deal with and it will only drag me down. People will not change and I can't ask them too. Do I understand why all this happened and why it happened to Christopher, clearly no. But in all of this, there is now a peace in my heart. One that wants to look forward and ask the world what it holds for Ethan and I - instead of looking back and asking why.

Does this mean that Christopher is out of my mind or my heart, HELL-FREAKING-NO! It just means that there might be a time that my heart and mind will have to grow a little larger to hold more people, places and events in it. My memories of Christopher and the time we shared are wrapped around me like a warm blanket that will keep me warm when I feel cold. I have reached that point where "peace surpasses understanding".