One of the things I have been working on with my therapist is how to "move along" in my life. Notice I didn't say "move on". Moving on to me means throwing caution to the wind, forgetting about Christopher and the love we shared for each other and feeling as though I have to replace him and that feeling he gave me. Something I don't ever want to do; EVER! Moving along to me means always carrying him in my heart and keeping his memory alive in everything that I do for my self and for Ethan.
So a little over a month ago when I thought I was turning a corner in my grief, I told my therapist I thought I was ready to "move along". To which he asked me what did that mean to me. Did it mean taking pictures of Christopher down? Ummm, hell-NO! Did it mean not going to visit him every Saturday and Sunday? Umm, maybe just once a week, maybe, maybe not? Did it mean taking off my rings? UHHH, hello, no-freaking way! So my therapist left me with the question, if I am "ready" to move along - then what sign do I do for my self to show the world that I am - other than posting it on a blog for the world to see?
I have to admit, I left his office exasperated. Why can't I just say it and it be real? Why do I have to do something? Is my spoken or written word not good enough for people? SO for a week till my next session I thought about it heavily and more so than I probability should have, but I went into my therapist office and was going to tell him, "Ok on my 8 year wedding anniversary, all the rings coming off." Then I looked down at them. Three little rings that meant the world to me, each with their own diary of us with pages filled to the brim with stories. I cried...allot. I didn't want to take them off ever. This was Christopher and I symbolized and summed up in three little bands that sat so nicely on my left hand. The totality of our past, present and future in three white gold bands for all the world to see.
I didn't want to take them off, they carried our story of life, love and us around with them surreptitiously locked away in the dents, dings and scratches. When people saw them they knew that there was someone special in my life that I cared for ever so deeply and if they were removed - no one would know (and I want the world to know about Christopher and his story). They also kept me safe from people who wanted my number (and sometimes it didn't matter if I even wore them - yes a dad had his kid ask for my phone number at the park one day, but we can save that story for another time.) I was conflicted to say the least.
Then one night I had a dream and awoke with a plan. A master plan; a grand one, one that made me feel comfortable and at peace with everything. This was the plan. On May 26th (our 8 year anniversary) I would take off my engagement ring and put it up for whenever and if ever Ethan has a daughter. So that she might choose to wear it one day and remember our past; that her daddy came from a great love that his mum and dad shared. On September 19th (the day the doctor told me Christopher would die) I would take off my anniversary band and put it up for the same reason, but with the meaning that this ring represented the future that has changed its course yet is still full of hopes and dreams. Then on October 31 (what would have been 17 years of knowing each other) I will take off the wedding band and put it up with the meaning that this was our present - a love that goes beyond the mortal plain.
May 26th passed and I took off my engagement ring. My finger never felt so naked missing just one ring and a great sadness filled my heart after I did it. There were several times in the morning that I debated wearing it "one more day for old-times-sake", but I told myself I needed to do this and I needed to do them on the dates I picked for them. I didn't want it to be some random day on the calendar. As an artist; there had to be a greater meaning for this moment in my life.
For one week I scrutinized my ring finger with two little bands peering back at me and all I could think of was - in a few months this finger will be exposed. Stripped of what made it and me feel balanced in this world. And most of all, I felt like without them, Christopher would leave me heart and while that was not only the most ludicrous thing I had ever thought it was also what consumed me daily. Then it came to me like most of my creative processes. And like most of my creative methodology, I knew it was right the moment it popped into my head and had to do it!
So less than three weeks ago I walked into my favorite jewelry store on a mission to help aide in my journey of healing. I explained to the woman across the counter what it was I wanted to do and she placed my order quickly and with a quiver in her voice told this was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard of anyone doing and she was happy to be apart of it. That for me was complete reaffirmation that what I was doing was right and needed to be done.
Today, I picked up my order I placed so many weeks ago and I knew what I had done was the right thing by the way my heart warmed when I saw them. So is it eating at you yet, what it is? I ordered three bands and had them engraved. My "new normal" bands if you will. One to represent the past, present and future; just like my other bands with a whole new meaning.
The ring that represents the future has engraved on the inside, "EWS 06-29-06". This is Ethan's ring and reminds me that mine and Christopher's future doesn't have to die; for it lives brightly in Ethan's future.
The ring that symbolises the past has engraved on the inside, "04-18-75 JCS 10-12-08". This is Christopher's ring; to remind me that while his life was short - it was full and beautiful.
The last ring, the present, my ring; engraved in it is, "JCS (the infinity symbol) DAS". Now and always we will and always be together bonded by a love that was as special as it is unique in it's own right.
So as I take one ring off, another will come on as a representation of my two lives inter twined in each other; what was normal and comfortable will be transitioned to my new normal and my new comfortable with my self, Ethan and single parenthood. So today I placed on my finger next to my wedding bands Ethan's band. It's so hard to describe how right it felt on my finger and how it made me feel whole. And by that feeling alone; I know what I am doing is right.
As the song goes, "there is always going to be a another mountain I'm going to have to climb". This was my mountain, and while I'm not over the peek, I've got a better grip and I'm heading towards the top....
1 comment:
Beautiful.
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