One Day

One day the months of September and October and the rest of 2009 will be a fleeting memory. One that for some will be filled with thoughts of how great this year was, others the change in their lives that happened and for me - well, lets just say I don't think 2009 will be a year I will want to look back on to. Not that is was a bad year or a great year - it was a year of transition; one that was painful and to say the least awkward.

It's no lie for anyone that has followed this blog that the months of September and October are not and will not be the easiest of months for me. In these next two months I will hit three more mile stones and one mile stone will be hit twice. By the end of October I will have completed a cycle - one that I didn't think would ever happen and one that I didn't know how I would make it through.

I have spent this year grieving, crying, being angry, sad, frustrated, wondering why and everything else that was left in between. And while this process is not something that will magically go away when I hit the one year mark (this is something that I will carry around for a long time). Christopher was my best friend in more ways than I could put to words at the moment - so I not only grieve(d) for my husband, but my friend.

We were each other's best friends - there wasn't anything I didn't know about him or his feelings and visa versa. That is what our relationship was - we respected each other on a different level than some. We both put family first and respected that we might share different ideas, but that didn't mean we cared any less for the other person. We respected each others feelings and never called each other a name or cursed at each other - we respected the up most rule - "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31. This is what made us special; it's what made our relationship special to each other; it's one of the things I miss the most about him.

With that all being said, there are somethings I have come to learn over this year. I know I'm young and life didn't end because Christopher lost his battle with cancer. I have listened to other peoples view points on my situation. Honestly I've heard it all; from people's view points on one-night-stands all the way through their view points on why I should never re-marry or if I do how there should be no big wedding because I already had that - it seems everyone has an opinion on the matter of my life. And while I have tried to keep my thoughts and feelings on these topics the locked in my head and guarded by my tongue, I know there have been times I have been an open book instead.

I've spent this year sorting out my emotions of the, whys, the what ifs and what nows. I have come to understand the sound of silence - the beauty and vileness of it all. I've figured out how to balance work, Ethan and taking care of everything in between. I've blown "wind up my skirt", broke down, screamed, yelled, and sobbed. I've slept, not slept ,dreamed and wanted to dream. I've made choices on my own with no outside help; my thoughts have been my own.

The idea that a year will pass is completely over my head, but also completely under my feet and while I dread it - I yearn for it. To make it through this cycle, stand tall and say I did it. I've come across the other side - a little tattered around the edges, but still standing. As my old favorite saying says - "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And what kills us was only a brief moment of weakness."

I don't want people to view me as damaged, bitter or fragile at best. It took me a year to realize that the word "widow" doesn't define me, it's just a part of who I am. I think it's a rare few that understand when I say "my heart is broken; yet still beats and through all the pain of where I have been, I know there is place where I will heal." Overly dramatic yes - but I know some of you out there get it.

I know that one day God's plan will make itself clear to me - or not - but I am ok with that. Either way, in the end, I'm still "d". I'm still the fun-loving friend who puts others before her-self, the person that finds the good in everything and everyone, I'm still a smart-a$$ when it comes to standing up for my self and most of all - I'm still just plain old "d".

Come on Sept and October - I'm ready for you.

My Gift To Me

On Saturday's Ethan and I have our normal routine that consist of a morning walk around the neighborhood. Today, while on our walk, I was taking in the day, the sun and listening to Ethan point out the birds, bunnies and planes and I started making a list in my head.

See in about a month my family will start asking me what "Santa" should bring Ethan for Christmas and I just find it easier to think of things ahead of time so when the question comes up, I have an answer. In trying to figure out what Santa should bring Ethan - I remembered to when Christopher used to ask me, "So. Love. What do you want for Christmas?"

I used to laugh and tell him what ever he got me I would love - even if it was just an empty box of tissue paper (that was an inside joke). But the truth of the matter is Christopher always found something that I would never think of and I loved it. That was the hardest part about last Christmas - not having a gift under the tree from him.

My mind started to wonder about this Christmas. How would I feel? Would it be different since this would be the second Christmas without him? And one of the things that came to my mind was that I should get my self a gift. One that will mean something to me. Not clothes. Not stuff for the house. Something for me. Something that when I look at it will remind me that I can do anything - even get through the holidays.

A friend of mine told me about a necklace that a single mom only sells to single divorced moms - it's a leaf and represents the idea of "turning a new leaf". My friend suggested that I get one. So I went on the website, read the story and in the end - it just wasn't for me. I guess, in the end, I'm not turning a new leaf. The leaf just didn't mean anything to me. No matter what beautiful story this woman wrote about it.

So while on my walk I thought about who I am, where I've come from and what I have done in my life. Then like on cue Ethan broke my train of thought and yelled, "Mommy, bird, bird, bird. It go tweet tweet tweet!"

I looked at this bird, this little bird that had no fear while I walked past it with Ethan yelling at it from his stroller - it just stood there looking at us. Feathers blowing in the wind. Then it hit me. A feather - my life is like a feather. My core is strong while the beauty of my outside is delicate, soft and it's what helps keep me warm at night. A feather in old-den times was used as a writing tool to spread the word - I want to keep Christopher's story, our story alive for people to give them hope.

As in all things that I do - this too had to have meaning and with a simple little "tweet tweet" from my muppet - I found it. So tonight I went online and found what I was looking for. Like it was meant to be. This necklace; a feather and a cross together on one chain. With a small little diamond (the stone of eternity) in the center of the cross and the feather that sits so nicely next to it. The feather and the cross - my life, God's plan - I could not ask for anything better.

This is my gift to myself. Something that has meaning and will remind me when I wear it that I am a strong person - that what I have been through makes up who I am - not what I am.

Doing Things Twice

Today when I got into work there was a package in my chair; a little white box addressed to Ms Denise A Seibert. I looked at this little white box in my chair and took a deep breathe. It's my new calendar for 2010.

Shortly after Christopher passed away I had to order my calendar for 2009 and I remember when it came in flipping through all the dates in this little brown book - how was I going to do this. How was I going to make it through this year? I wrote down all my important dates in it, closed it and prayed that time go easy on me. Before I knew it, Thanksgiving had passed, Christmas was a fleeting memory, new years was akward, and the rest of the year has seem to blow by.

Today was the first time I did something twice. I pulled out this little brown book and this morning filled it with all the important dates for 2010. I scanned through the dates, but this time instead of thinking how I was going to do this, I thought, "I did it once - I can do it again". I closed the book and put it aside, there were no prayers for time to be easy on me. Don't get me wrong, this new year will not be an old hat and I still know that I will have my ups and downs. But I have a feeling about 2010 - this will be my year. My year for something, I don't know what, but I know in my heart things have to start swinging in my direction. It's the laws of physics right?

The 3's

Today was Ethan's first day of school in the 3 year old group. I guess what's funny about this whole day was I was up most of the night trying to write the best "Love Note" to Ethan and in the end it was short sweet and to the point. I know what you are thinking - love note? Let me explain.

Being in the 3's (as the school likes to call it) there is a whole new world of things that they do that the 2's don't. One of them is "Love Notes". Every Monday and Tuesday you are suppose to write a note to your child filled with words of endearment so that they know you are thinking of them. You are also suppose to have a "backup" love note so if they have a bad day at school the teacher can pull out a note and help your child understand that your coming back for them and you hope they have a good day.

I think I wrote like 20 notes last night. All different and yet all the same. I had my own mind melt down as to how I put Christopher in the notes - see these notes are read aloud and I wasn't sure how this subject would be handled in a room full of children. That was all I need is to have some kid get upset that Ethan's daddy died and would his daddy die....

But then at the same time - this is Ethan's life. Nothing is going to change that Christopher is gone and I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen either. Ethan is becoming a little boy, he understands what it means when I say, "let's go visit daddy" and tells me all the time that "Daddy has flowers" and before we leave he gives Christopher's marker a kiss (there is a nice collection of lipstick and Ethan slobber on it now). So I was left with what to say?

This morning I re-wrote the love note again and this is what it said:

Dear Ethan (my muppet),

I want to start with saying your daddy and I love you more than you will ever know. We are both proud of you for everything you do in school and at home. You are very special to us in more ways than I can count. I hope day is a very special day for you Muppet. I think of you often while I am at work and know that as soon as my work is done I will be there for you with open arms to pick you up and bring you home. I can't wait to take you to the park after school so you can tell me all about your day and I too can tell you about mine.

I love you Ethan - my Muppet.

Mommy

I hope my little man had a good first day today....

Wind Up My Skirt

So I know I have posted about hope, life and love and everything making me stronger blah blah blah. But I will admit as we approach the one year marker my mind drifts to a year ago. A year ago this month Christopher had a CT Scan that showed the cancer wasn't growing. Our hearts were filled with joy at the prospects of possibly being at a turn in the journey of treatments. One month later I would get the phone call that dropped me to my knees; "he's in liver failure, he's dying." And a month after that, "the great sadness" as the book The Shack calls it. These next few months make me think about everything - how Ethan was a year younger, how my hopes and dreams were yanked from me and set a blaze in a carnage that can only be seen in bad made for TV movies.

Ten days after Christopher passed away - Grams passed away. While I stood in the hospital lobby wearing Christopher's old baseball tee, talking on the phone, passing the word of what had happened and trying not to lose it - or at the very least from running outside and shouting to the heavens, "SERIOUSLY, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN DON'T YOU!" I stood there - looking at my refection in the window, seeing a woman who had been through a lifetime of everything and nothing all at the same time and she was only 31. I used to tell Christopher I did yoga so I could live to be 100. And he would laugh at me; he always thought I was joking. But I wasn't and all I could think of was - if I live to be 100, what else is there to do in life now - I've done it all and I'm only 31....

So I took my mother home - called who I needed to get things moving for Grams - I had become a pro at this by now. And went to bed. The next morning - I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there and hide - hope that this was all a dream - one very sick dream, but the empty place in our bed next to me told me otherwise. That morning I chose to get up, keep moving and make it through this - this day, this hour, this second. I told my self that everything was going to be ok, Ethan was going to be ok and time would heal everything.

I've told my self this every morning since they passed, I've blown wind up my skirt as my father likes to put it. Time will heal. I filled my life back up with music, and tried my best to move past somethings that I thought were holding me down. And after a year I think I have - finally. The mornings; while still rough getting Ethan ready for school and me ready for work, have gotten a little brighter. So much has changed in a year it's almost hard to fathom.

Ethan is in pre-school and doing so well (I'm so proud of him) and I'm praying that he's completely potty trained by Halloween. Work is work, but we are weathering this economic situation with the world rather well. I'm finding recently that I do crack a smile from time to time. And while there is still a pain in my heart, there are things in the world that I'm looking forward to and hoping for and that helps ease that pain.

Every morning I have a arsenal of music that helps me get through the days (as many of you who follow me on Facebook know). Today the song that started me writing this post, "Until the end" by Breaking Benjamin. I've hummed this song to my self - allot... But the message is clear and has helped me get through the days that I thought would never end.

Why give up, why give in?

It's not enough, it never is.

So I will go on till the end.

It's easy

To fall apart completely.

I feel you creeping up again.

In my head.

It's over,

No longer will I

Feel it growing colder

I knew this day would come to end,

So let this life begin.

In all things there is hope.

Recently I reconnected with a girl I worked with at a coffee shop in college. She is a nurse in NY and told me that she knew the path and journey Christopher and I traveled. It was nice to hear someone say they knew and know in my heart that she really did know what we went through. The emotional ups and downs and the drama (if you will) of it all.

In our conversation I made a statement that I think is the very point for and of this blog and for me and other out there on a journey that seems rough. That statement I made was: "There is hope in everything, even if you don't like the outcome."

The truth that follows through that is deeper than any ocean put on this earth. There is hope in anything (even in the bad things) as long as we remain open to it. For once we close the door on hope we put our selves and our lives in danger of floundering in a place that we could never get out of.

My hope in all of this? That one day, someone will come into my life that will love and care for Ethan as much as Christopher did and yet at the same time understand that he can't replace him and when Ethan asks about his dad - to respond, "I didn't know him, but I knew he was a great man." That they would love and understand where I have come from and that there will always be a place in my heart for Christopher.

I will always carry around the hope that Christopher's story lives on longer than my-self and that I will always be open to share his story with others going through something similar. I will try my best to give those who need it the most the hope that everything can be ok even in the darkest of circumstances.

What is it you out there hope for?